14年秋季提纲互改-issue 104

tesolchinaUID：2191404

本帖来自"14年秋季GRE提纲+全文互改小组"，欢迎关注！你还可以查看更多小组、创建小组

GRE写作总会面临思路内容与语言表达双重挑战。匮乏的思想会令语言苍白，而语言能力的薄弱又会干扰正常的逻辑思维。以下这个练习试图将这两个问题分割开来。由我分析一道issue题，列出较详细的提纲，然后请你计时完成全文。这个练习有两个目的：第一、希望通过观察我的分析和列提纲过程，你能掌握一些可运用到其他题目的策略、技能；第二、通过计时练习，专注于语言表达的训练。

练习一
根据下面的分析，写出1+3四个完整的英语句子以及汉语展开

练习二
在练习一的基础上，写出全文。

请先完成练习一，我点评后，再写全文。


To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. 想成为一名有效力的领导则,政府官员必须坚守最高的伦理和道德标准。
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

这道题可以考虑分不同情况来写，可将政府官员的行为分为履行职务时的行为和私生活。指出在履行职务时应该以最高伦理和道德标准要求自己，而在私生活方面则可以按照自己的生活方式来选择。有人可能认为官员私生活不检点会导致民众对他不信任，我认为民众根本不应该知道官员私生活的任何信息。  

政府官员在履行职责时应该保持最高的伦理道德标准。
- 防止腐败与滥用权力
- 给下属做榜样、取得下属信任、团队效率
- 制订符合伦理道德的政策  

政府官员的私生活可以有更多元化的道德标准
- 消防员在非执行任务时看到火警也不必去救  
- 官员驾驶私家车超速应该和普通人受到同样的处罚  
-  官员通过某些手段合理避税也不应受到谴责  

有人认为私生活不检点会导致民众不信任官员
不信任会导致官员无法正常履行职务
但是官员的隐私应该受到保护
与公职无关的私生活信息不应该被媒体传播
如果民众不了解官员的私生活自然无从质疑
但前提是官员不会因为私生活的问题二影响公职

raikkonen36UID：2871931

A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral standards. By contrast, a leader with the absence of highest ethical and moral standards always has to leave the leader position, not to mention an effective leader. Nonetheless, besides maintaining highest ethical and moral standards, a public official who want to become an effective leader should improves himself in other aspects.

1.        A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral standards. That is because, as for an effective leader, highest ethical and moral standards are always an indispensable part. History is replete with such examples. 举例：曼德拉，他说，“当我走出囚室迈向通往自由的监狱大门时，我已经清楚，自己若不能把痛苦与怨恨留在身后，那么我其实仍在狱中”。而且在就职典礼上，他还意外地邀请了三名曾虐待过他的看守。当曼德拉缓缓起身向身后的看守致敬时，在场的所有人都静了下来。在曼德拉看来，“仁爱和宽恕是打开南非未来之门的钥匙，仇恨只能让南非继续堕落”。或许正是曼德拉这种高尚的道德成功解决了种族歧视。
2.        By contrast, a leader with the absence of highest ethical and moral standards always has to leave the leader position, not to mention an effective leader. That is because such leader always tends to make their followers and the public increasingly distrustful of him or her. 举例：尼克松的水门事件迫使他下台。
3.        Nonetheless, besides maintaining highest ethical and moral standards, a public official who want to become an effective leader should improves himself in other aspects, such as interpersonal skills, flexibility, oratory, and so forth. Take the importance of oratory as an example. 举例丘吉尔的演讲才能使能英国人民能够有信心继续和纳粹德国做斗争，他的演讲为英国带来了大量的援助，或许某种程度上也促使罗斯福参战。 正是他出色的个人能力，使能英国不至于沦陷，最终在他的带领下取得成功，同时他也成为一位伟大的leader，三巨头之一。

candor0000UID：3515633

Whether maintaining the highest ethical and moral stanards is the necessary condition for being an effective leader should be analyzed case by case. When performing their duties and responsibilities, the leaders do need to maintain the highest level of ethic and morality most of the time, while in some extreme cases where moral standards contradict to other atandards, for the special role an official plays, he should give ethic to others to maintain the operation of the government. And also in some other cases like officials’ private life, they are not required to maintain such a high ethical level.

Almost for the whole process of performing their duities, officials are required to maintain high moral standards since it’s an effective way to prevent corruption and abuse of power. Government is such an organization that is easy to cultivate corruption because it owns lots of power, during this process of  reducing the rate of crime. ethic can play the role as an inhibitor. The measurement of morality probably force those potential criminals to distinguish the good from bad and aviod to do bad things. In addition, maintaining a high level of morality can set a good model to the subordinates and earn their trust further, which, with no doubt, will increase their loyalties to the government and enhance the work efficiency as well. Thus in this sense, it’s necessary to require every official leader to remain high ethical standards in order to be a good ‘worker’.

Although it’s almost right all the time to maintain high moral standards when officials are working, there still exists some extreme cases where they cannot have obey both the ethics and other considerations since the focus of them are not always congruent. Take some heavy-polluted industry as an example, in the stance of morality, government shouldn’t allow any of them to exist, for they releasing poisonous wastes to pollute the air, water or soil, which we are live on. But taking the economic growth and industrial structure into consideration, officials will not promote to eliminate those firms. One may argue that shouldn’t our government consider citizens’ health at the first place. Of course it should and it does so almost all the time. But this doesn’t mean to eliminate all these firms to meet the moral standards, the government should also take care of the wealth of its people and balance the two aspects. Thus in this case, we cannot blame the officials for not displaying the highest moral standards if we ever thought about the development of the national economy.

Besides the extreme case listed in the former paragraph, when talking about private lives, government officials should be granted equal rights as we ordinary people. During leisure time, they can choose to do or not to do their official work all by themselves. For example, a fireman needn’t to rush to the accidental big fire when he isn’t at work, since without necessary equipments, he is just risking his own life. And avoiding taxes via legal and reasonable means by officials is also acceptable since some tax laws are not reasonable themselves. One may also argue that not doing good enough in their private life will foresee some flaws in their work, but if we never care about their personal affairs, how would we distrust them because of this kind of reason? To sum up, what I address here is that we should only treat officials with those higher standards when they are at work, while after work, they should be seen as ordinary people and respected without attending to know the personal affairs about them.
大致按照您的思路写的，老师帮忙批改下，谢谢！

tesolchinaUID：2191404

candor0000 发表于 2014-11-5 14:43
Whether maintaining the highest ethical and moral stanards is the necessary condition for being an e ...

请抽空私信回答一下

寄托GRE考生背景调查

以前是否考过GRE作文，分数如何？托福作文？

下次考试日期？ 考前还可以写多少道题的提纲和全文？  

期待的分数？

谈谈对1+3模型的看法。

觉得自己的issue和argument最大的问题分别是什么？

对于我的指导有何期待或要求？

对于我在版面针对其他同学的批改、指导有何意见？

tesolchinaUID：2191404

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-11-3 15:27
A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral s ...

To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.  

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral standards. By contrast, a leader with the absence of highest ethical and moral standards always has to leave the leader position, not to mention an effective leader. Nonetheless, besides maintaining highest ethical and moral standards, a public official who want to become an effective leader should improves himself in other aspects.

前两句从正反两面来论述命题挺好
第三句讲的内容已经脱离题目讨论的范围
题目说must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. 并不表示这是充分的条件；因此你提其他的条件有离题的风险 


1.        A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral standards. That is because, as for an effective leader, highest ethical and moral standards are always an indispensable part. History is replete with such examples. 举例：曼德拉，他说，“当我走出囚室迈向通往自由的监狱大门时，我已经清楚，自己若不能把痛苦与怨恨留在身后，那么我其实仍在狱中”。而且在就职典礼上，他还意外地邀请了三名曾虐待过他的看守。当曼德拉缓缓起身向身后的看守致敬时，在场的所有人都静了下来。在曼德拉看来，“仁爱和宽恕是打开南非未来之门的钥匙，仇恨只能让南非继续堕落”。或许正是曼德拉这种高尚的道德成功解决了种族歧视。


这里曼德拉的例子作为最高伦理道德标准是合适的 但是这种高水平的伦理道德和有效的领导之间关系还有待进一步的挖掘 高尚的道德如何解决种族歧视 这和有效的领导有什么关系 
感觉在提炼例子的观点上你还需要多练习  


2.        By contrast, a leader with the absence of highest ethical and moral standards always has to leave the leader position, not to mention an effective leader. That is because such leader always tends to make their followers and the public increasingly distrustful of him or her. 举例：尼克松的水门事件迫使他下台。

 not to mention an effective leader.这个表达有点问题 
这里提出民众不信任作为道德伦理问题导致领导无效的中间概念是不错的 
在论述时应将这三者的关联解释清楚  


3.        Nonetheless, besides maintaining highest ethical and moral standards, a public official who want to become an effective leader should improves himself in other aspects, such as interpersonal skills, flexibility, oratory, and so forth. Take the importance of oratory as an example. 举例丘吉尔的演讲才能使能英国人民能够有信心继续和纳粹德国做斗争，他的演讲为英国带来了大量的援助，或许某种程度上也促使罗斯福参战。 正是他出色的个人能力，使能英国不至于沦陷，最终在他的带领下取得成功，同时他也成为一位伟大的leader，三巨头之一。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-11-3 15:27
A public official who want to become an effective leader should maintain highest ethical and moral s ...

be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
你的提纲没有回应题目的这个要求 大忌

liliudodoUID：3261082

前辈，关于issue104，你的思路是分两种情况，一种是官员工作时，一种是私生活。但是我有一种思路，我感觉可能不对，但是我不清楚为什么不对。我的想法是驳斥原文的原因，那就是没有或者说很难界定什么是最高的伦理和道德标准。并据此提出自己的观点道德不分高低，只要能做到普通的道德就可以是一个好的领导。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

liliudodo 发表于 2014-11-6 21:56
前辈，关于issue104，你的思路是分两种情况，一种是官员工作时，一种是私生活。但是我有一种思路，我感觉可 ...

你这个想法其实是有道理的 但是在具体写作中 我估计会遇到很大的困难 因为你需要讨论道德伦理标准的界定问题 还有你所谓的普通的道德又是什么呢  

tesolchinaUID：2191404

candor0000 发表于 2014-11-5 14:43
Whether maintaining the highest ethical and moral stanards is the necessary condition for being an e ...

你并没有严格按照我的提纲来写
有两个比较明显的问题
第一 你在论述中没有提到effective leader的问题 也就是没有解释伦理道德和有效领导之间的关系
第二 你没有回应题目关于 challenge your positiion的要求
我很难理解为什么 这么明显的要求你竟然能视而不见
不是想批评你 只是希望你解释一下 为什么

candor0000UID：3515633

tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-7 13:07
你并没有严格按照我的提纲来写
有两个比较明显的问题
第一 你在论述中没有提到effective leader的问题 ...

老师您好，我不是很明白您的意思，按照自己的理解，第二段写的high moral standard 可以减少腐败与权力滥用，以及第三段官员有时候出于其他因素考虑为保证政府的正常运转需要放弃一些高的道德标准，也是为了成为一个effective leader，我是当成回应高标准与effective leader 之间的关系的不同方面来写的，是因为没有明确点出来吗？
还有第二个我想向您咨询一下，就是这个举出例子来挑战自己的观点篇幅分寸要如何拿捏，我自己的理解是在后两段的后半部分都有说others may argue……，我是把这个写成挑战的，或者是我没有很好理会挑战自己的观点要怎么来写，还望老师不吝赐教。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

candor0000 发表于 2014-11-8 00:01
老师您好，我不是很明白您的意思，按照自己的理解，第二段写的high moral standard 可以减少腐败与权力滥 ...

Almost for the whole process of performing their duities, officials are required to maintain high moral standards since it’s an effective way to prevent corruption and abuse of power. Government is such an organization that is easy to cultivate corruption because it owns lots of power, during this process of  reducing the rate of crime. ethic can play the role as an inhibitor. The measurement of morality probably force those potential criminals to distinguish the good from bad and aviod to do bad things. In addition, maintaining a high level of morality can set a good model to the subordinates and earn their trust further, which, with no doubt, will increase their loyalties to the government and enhance the work efficiency as well. Thus in this sense, it’s necessary to require every official leader to remain high ethical standards in order to be a good ‘worker’.

你的这段话没有一句话是在讲effective leader
唯一沾到边的是In addition, maintaining a high level of morality can set a good model to the subordinates and earn their trust further, which, with no doubt, will increase their loyalties to the government and enhance the work efficiency as well.

To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.
这句话的意思是 maintain the highest ethical and moral standards是To be an effective leader的必要条件  你得在具体的例子里体现这个关系

至于be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.
我一般建议用第四段整段话来回应这个要求 具体步骤是
1 提出别人可能提出的挑战
2 解释这个挑战
3 指出这个挑战其实不成立
4 进一步强化自己的观点

lisa_CUID：2678347

To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. 想成为一名有效力的领导则,政府官员必须坚守最高的伦理和道德标准。
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


主旨句
In working environment, an effective public offical should maintain the highest ethical and moral standards; but in personal life, it is not required that a public offical should be more perfect than others. While some may argue that inpropriate behaviour in personal life will destroy public trust and without public trust, officals can hardly perform their duties, the offical's privacy right should not be negelected and officals' personal lives should not be involved in public affairs.


To begin with, an effective public offical should maintain the highest ethical and moral standards in work, considering their work attitude and  work behaviour may affect interests of tens of thousands of people.
（首先是基于行业的特殊性，政府官员手中握有权力，其职权影响到千万人的利益。譬如权力寻租的存在，以出租车牌照市场为例，出租车经营公司可以向相关政府官员行贿获取数量有限的经营牌照，如果政府官员此时没有把持住，会对其他的申请者造成不公平损害他们的利益。因而政府官员较高的职业道德要求显得尤其重要。另外，在工作中，有较高职业操守更加敬业的政府官员更容易获得民众和同伴支持，也就更容易晋升到能更好展现能力的平台。譬如罗斯福四次连任源于其政绩斐然。）

In personal life, however, a public official should be treated as normal people.
(工作之外的时间不应该以高标准强求政府官员。首先，在非工作场合，政府官员鲜少有特殊的能力，他们也是普通人。譬如如果强求一个正在休假的警察去徒手擒拿一个绑架人质的持枪歹徒就显得很勉强，他并没有防身装备和团队配合，和常人一样容易受伤，而且未必能救到人。但是官员也应当如正常人一样遵纪守法。譬如遵守交通规则，如果违章也要罚款。其次，政府官员有隐私权，高标准要求政府官员的另一面就是时时刻刻对他们进行监督，这明显容易侵犯官员隐私权。官员有家人和朋友，如果过多干涉其私人生活，他的家人和朋友也会受到困扰，官员需要分散精力去处理这些非工作性事务，自然会影响工作效率。）

While some may argue that if a public offical's performance disappoint the public, he may lose the support from his people keeping him from fulfilling his duty, the public concern should not be focus on officials' personal life and moreover, the public offical's privacy right should also be protected. One possible solution is to reduce media reports about officials' personal lives.
(也许有人说官员的私生活表现影响其民众支持率进而影响其工作表现，在报纸广泛报道政客私生活的今天，这个确实是存在的。一个解决办法就是减少媒体报道。因为如上所说，官员也有隐私权。其次，过多关注官员生活容易模糊公众视线，把公众注意力从重要的社会福利问题转移到官员个人生活问题，整个社会的关注点因小失大。而如果官员的生活不被关注，官员能有个人空间工作之余得到更好休息，精力充沛，工作状态好；另一方面，这些媒体资源可以去报告更重要的和民众生活相关的事。而且政府私生活的表现也不会成为人们谈资，也就减少了可能的负面影响。不过最后需要说明的是，有个前提是官员的私生活不应该影响其工作）

candor0000UID：3515633

tesolchina 发表于 2014-11-8 18:26
Almost for the whole process of performing their duities, officials are required to maintain high  ...

谢谢老师，好像有些明白了，我再重新写写。

tesolchinaUID：2191404

lisa_C 发表于 2014-11-10 01:06
To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards.  ...

To be an effective leader, a public official must maintain the highest ethical and moral standards. 想成为一名有效力的领导则,政府官员必须坚守最高的伦理和道德标准。
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


主旨句
In working environment, an effective public offical should maintain the highest ethical and moral standards; but in personal life, it is not required that a public offical should be more perfect than others (in their personal life). While some may argue that inpropriate behaviour in personal life will destroy public trust and without public trust, officals can hardly perform their duties, the offical's privacy right should (be respected) not be negelected and officals' personal lives should not (receive media attention) be involved in public affairs.

部分修改见括号



To begin with, an effective public offical should maintain the highest ethical and moral standards in work, considering their work attitude and  work behaviour may affect interests of tens of thousands of people.
（首先是基于行业的特殊性，政府官员手中握有权力，其职权影响到千万人的利益。譬如权力寻租的存在，以出租车牌照市场为例，出租车经营公司可以向相关政府 官员行贿获取数量有限的经营牌照，如果政府官员此时没有把持住，会对其他的申请者造成不公平损害他们的利益。因而政府官员较高的职业道德要求显得尤其重 要。另外，在工作中，有较高职业操守更加敬业的政府官员更容易获得民众和同伴支持，也就更容易晋升到能更好展现能力的平台。譬如罗斯福四次连任源于其政绩 斐然。）

嗯 其实没必要讲具体的人
所以没必要提罗斯福
要注意所有的讨论都必须围绕道德和领导有效性展开 因此
有较高职业操守更加敬业的政府官员更容易获得民众和同伴支持，也就更容易晋升到能更好展现能力的平台 这一点就有些偏题了



In personal life, however, a public official should be treated as normal people.
(工作之外的时间不应该以高标准强求政府官员。首先，在非工作场合，政府官员鲜少有特殊的能力，他们也是普通人。譬如如果强求一个正在休假的警察去徒手擒 拿一个绑架人质的持枪歹徒就显得很勉强，他并没有防身装备和团队配合，和常人一样容易受伤，而且未必能救到人。但是官员也应当如正常人一样遵纪守法。譬如 遵守交通规则，如果违章也要罚款。其次，政府官员有隐私权，高标准要求政府官员的另一面就是时时刻刻对他们进行监督，这明显容易侵犯官员隐私权。官员有家 人和朋友，如果过多干涉其私人生活，他的家人和朋友也会受到困扰，官员需要分散精力去处理这些非工作性事务，自然会影响工作效率。）

主题句写得不够具体
When it comes to private life, public officials should not be expected to maintain the highest ethical and moral standards because how they behave as private individuals will not influence their effectiveness as leaders.  

还是要注意切题
这里要强调私生活不会影响领导工作
感觉你的汉语展开可能是受了主题句不清晰的影响 还需要再调整
另外 感觉没必要写这么详细吧





While some may argue that if a public offical's performance disappoint the public, he may lose the support from his people keeping him from fulfilling his duty, the public concern should not be focus on officials' personal life and moreover, the public offical's privacy right should also be protected. One possible solution is to reduce media reports about officials' personal lives.
(也许有人说官员的私生活表现影响其民众支持率进而影响其工作表现，在报纸广泛报道政客私生活的今天，这个确实是存在的。一个解决办法就是减少媒体报道。 因为如上所说，官员也有隐私权。其次，过多关注官员生活容易模糊公众视线，把公众注意力从重要的社会福利问题转移到官员个人生活问题，整个社会的关注点因 小失大。而如果官员的生活不被关注，官员能有个人空间工作之余得到更好休息，精力充沛，工作状态好；另一方面，这些媒体资源可以去报告更重要的和民众生活 相关的事。而且政府私生活的表现也不会成为人们谈资，也就减少了可能的负面影响。不过最后需要说明的是，有个前提是官员的私生活不应该影响其工作）


可能没必要强调是什么solution吧

整个讨论还是要和effective leader结合起来

gzc405933323UID：3574833

In order to enhance their leadership, public officials ought to maintain the highest ethical and moral standard when the officials are carrying out their duties. However, it is unnecessary for the public to be persnickety on the private life of the public officials, given that their defects on private lives don’t undermine their implementation of responsibility as leaders. Despite the possible counterargument that those officials ought to follow perfect moral standard, it is unethical to peek into the private life of the officials and divulge the faults that are irrelevant to their missions.

1.        A public official needs to strictly stick to the ethical and moral principles when carrying out their tasks. 展开：1.可以防止滥用职权和贪污腐败，以此提高政府的运转效率。2.可以增强民众对政府的信任3. 可以给继任的领导树立起榜样。
2.        However, it is impractical for the public to require that the public officials adhere to the strictest ethical and moral standards in their private life. 原因：每个人都有生活上的缺点，强求完美并不现实。如果生活上的缺点并不影响其作为领导在工作上的效率和成就，这些缺点是可以容忍的。例如：克林顿（Bill Clinton）和莱温斯基（Monica Lewinsky）的性丑闻并没有影响克林顿作为总统的效率和成就，他任内美国经济高速发展，社会福利得到进一步的保障。
3.        Someone might argue that it is essential for the public official to remain strictly ethical even in their private life in order to educate the public about morality. However, based on the respect of privacy, it is not moral for anyone to disclose their specks in private life if those faults do not negatively affect their mission as leaders. 对克林顿事件的进一步评论。
4.        Conclusion.