外教一直说我的作文wordy 附文章 求改进方法

liuyijunerUID：3635868

在某宝找了老师帮批作文，反馈意见一直是说我wordy，不够accurate.
比如如下argu
The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station.

“Over the past year, our late-night news program has devoted increased time to national news and less time to weather and local news. During this time period, most of the complaints received from viewers were concerned with our station’s coverage of weather and local news. In addition, local businesses that used to advertise during our late-night news program have just canceled their advertising contracts with us. Therefore, in order to attract more viewers to the program and to avoid losing any further advertising revenues, we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level.”

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

附批改后的作文截图

老师评语：
Hi, your essay earns an estimated score of 3.5. You are prone to making your statements too wordy. Remember that you have barely 30 minutes to do the test. Do not waste precious time on repetitive words. It makes your composition sound boring and less interesting. Rather, make your discussion clear, concise, and accurate. Examiners spend a short amount of time per essay. You need to make sure they understand your essay during the first read.

写了四五篇，已经尽力言简意赅了，可好像还是没有做出进步，获得的评分也一直是3.5。北美范文也看过，上次用了里面的几条句式结果一下子被老师看出，点评说你套用模板显得你的文字很不自然！
现在心情十分抑郁。有点不知所措。希望各位能给个意见，谢谢！

tesolchinaUID：2191404

感觉这种只改句子层面行文风格而不看内容、结构的批改没什么用啊~~~
你这篇文章最明显的问题是没有回应题目的要求  discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

你可以看看我写的一篇类似的题目
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=13#pid1779099387
以及一些evidence这类题的文章
比如
https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... ge=17#pid1779369653

liuyijunerUID：3635868

tesolchina 发表于 2015-8-12 22:47
感觉这种只改句子层面行文风格而不看内容、结构的批改没什么用啊~~~
你这篇文章最明显的问题是没有回应题目 ...

确实，我写作文不怎么看instruction，只是知道issue的话要辩证、两面都写到，argument是攻击它的逻辑漏洞……
谢谢啦！