夜空的习作修改合集

夜空的彼方UID：159120

修改日期：2007年8月30号
https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/viewthread.php?tid=730761&page=1#pid1770805599
Topic：Research indicates that the characteristics we are born with have much more influence on our personality and development than any experiences we may have in our life.
Which do you consider to be the major influence?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Recently some experts point out that our born genes play an major role in personality and development rather than any other experiences. However, I don’t agree with this opinion, because one can be influenced deeply by the way of family circumstances, school education and working experience.
To begin with, family circumstances can affect children’s development because family education is always continuous and consistent during a long time. Before the school age, children always stay with their parents or family members. They will learn their parents’ words and behavior naturally through hearing or seeing. For example, if parents enjoy playing with friends, it is likely that the children will have more opportunities to make friends with other children. Therefore, it is possible for the children to be sociable. In contrast, an extroverted child may be reluctant to talk with others after their parents’ divorce.
In addition, we can not deny the importance of school education to young children. In schools, students will improve not only in academic achievement but also in mental and psychological aspects. Take a friend of mine Lisa as an example. She used to be shy in primary school, because she was not good at expressing herself. Once a Chinese teacher praised her for her composition and asked her to read aloud in class. She remembered that students clapped and the teacher smiled after her performance. From then on , she was encouraged to communicate with others and never afraid of speak out loud.
Lastly, working experience will shape a person’s characteristics as well. It is inevitable that we are living in a competitive world. Sometimes we have to adapt ourself to the society in order to get a bright future. Some people try to be intiative because they would like to have more chances; some people tend to be aggressive because he or she wants to be successful in career; even some others may become greedy after working on bussiness.
Above all, although our personality may be affected by genes since the day we born, human characteristics can be shaped by the experience in our life more deeply.

Recently some experts point out that our born genes play an major role in personality and development rather than any other experiences. However, I don’t agree with this opinion, because one can be influenced deeply by the way of family circumstances, school education and working experience.

To begin with, family circumstances can affect children’s development because family education is always continuous and consistent during a long time. Before the school age, children always stay with their parents or family members<刚刚用了一个always，这里建议换个词或者短语吧，譬如stay with their parents or family menbers all the time.>. They will learn their parents’ words and behavior naturally through hearing or seeing.<你这里想说的意思是通过耳濡目染吧？刚刚去查了一下， be unconsciously influenced by what one constantly hears or sees，这样写比较地道一些，和你分享！> For example, if parents enjoy playing with friends, it is likely that the children will have more opportunities to make friends with other children<这句又出现了两个children。把后边那个with other children去掉吧，不影响意思。 >. Therefore, it is possible for the children to be sociable. In contrast, an extroverted child may be reluctant to talk with others after their parents’ divorce.

In addition, we<不记得在那里看到的，说雅思写作中尽量少用we,you这些词，改成it is undeniable that吧~> can not deny the importance of school education to young children. In schools, students will improve not only in academic achievement but also in mental and psychological aspects. Take a friend of mine Lisa as an example. She used to be shy in primary school, because she was not good at expressing herself. Once a Chinese teacher praised her for her composition and asked her to read aloud in class.<这里不应该出现句号吧，后边的意思和前边是连贯的> She remembered that students clapped and the teacher smiled after her performance. From then on , she was encouraged to communicate with others and never afraid of speak out loud.

Lastly, working experience will shape a person’s characteristics as well. It is inevitable that we are living in a competitive world. Sometimes we have to adapt ourself to the society in order to get a bright future. Some people try to be intiative because they would like to have more chances; some people tend to be aggressive because he or she wants to be successful in career; even some others may become greedy after working on bussiness.

Above all<above all有首先，尤其是的意思，这里用的是什么意思呢？>, although our personality may be affected by genes since the day we born, human characteristics can be shaped by the experience in our life more deeply.

不错，这篇作文的逻辑和论证明显比你的第一篇要进步许多了！每个方面都很完整的进行了阐述，另外开头和结尾也没有忘记表明自己的态度！
需要注意的一些地方是，尽量让自己的词语丰富一些，你的很多句子，一个句子里边就有重复的词语，完全可以替换掉。譬如..family circumstances can affect children’s development because family education ..这句，前边那个family circumstances可以用home environment来替换，否则容易给考官造成“只使用有限的单词和表达”的印象，影响你最终的得分。你可以参考我以前发的一个帖子：https://bbs.gter.net/bbs/thread-729696-1-1.html

futuremanUID：2327059

天空~
把所有文章都贴到一楼去吧..后面就别帖修改文章了..
以后的人找起来麻烦..版主还要重新编辑;)

H-KevinUID：2182070

一楼好像有字数限制

到时候夜空在一楼作个说明就可以了

比如说多少多少楼有作文~~