issue30 科技提高效率 第一篇求拍 谢~

zhang-yan09UID: 2704651

各位进来看我的贴，先谢过了~

Issue 30
"The primary goal of technological advancement should be to increase people's efficiency so that everyone has more leisure time."

提纲：
P1： 科技进步的确提高了人们的效率。然而人们并不一定有更多的闲暇时间；另外科技发展还带来许多问题，重于效率。
P2：科技提高了人们的效率。e.g. 通讯，交通，电脑，工厂。
P3：然而人们却越来越忙。人们将科技提供的闲暇时间用于工作：效率提高à期待提高；人们的效率都提高了à竞争；人们需要时间来学习新技术。
P4：科技的发展引出了一些我们必须重视的问题，效率并非一直为主要目标。e.g. 核能的安全、建筑的安全。
P5：总结。科技是人们改善生活的工具，提高效率只是改善生活的一个方面而已。


正文：
The speaker contends that increasing people's efficiency has to be the primary goal of technological advancement, and thus it can bring people more leisure time. I concede that with the development of technology, people nowadays are more efficient than ever before. However, in a sense the speaker begs the question. First, though the technology is evolving, people today don't seem to have more leisure time. Second, people are faced with more problems brought by technology which they can't overlook, and sometimes they should pay more attention and energy in solving these problems rather than in increasing people's efficiency.

Indeed, technological advancement has helped us a lot. With the benefit of today's communication technology, people can contact their friends thousands of miles away simply through telephones, instead of traveling such long way and wasting much time. Even if people want to meet their friends face to face, they can take the cars, the boats and the planes; these benefits from today's transportation technology have shorten the physical distance between individuals, and as a result, save people a great deal of time. When it comes to the field of science, computers will do those complex calculations for us. And turn our attention to modern factories: it is the machines that free people from time consuming heavy manual work. Whatever else may be said, most people can't deny that technological advancement has greatly boosted human's efficiency in many aspects.

But it seems to me that some people have less leisure time than they have years ago, especially in some of the big cities. People are even busier. Technology can help people, provide them more free time, but that doesn't mean people use free time as leisure time, they are more likely to use it on their work. People's anticipation gets higher and higher according to the increment of efficiency brought by the advancement of technology. Sometimes your boss will give you more work than ever simply because your efficiency is increasing. People in the society become more efficient with the help of similar technology, so if one wants to win or even survive in competition, he has to do more than in the past. Moreover, people have to learn before they can use those newly introduced technologies, and this may take lots of time. So, technological advancement doesn't necessarily lead to more leisure time.

Otherwise, technology brings many problems while it develops. Take the technology of nuclear power for example, when people use nuclear power, they can never ignore the potential danger they are faced with. A small leak on the nuclear plant may cause a terrible disaster. In this case, people will often consider their safety, not efficiency, the most important. In a not dissimilar way, when constructing buildings, people will take, such as the strength of building structures, into consideration, as well as the efficiency on constructing the building. So efficiency is not always the first thing people care about, and thus the primary goal of technology too is not always to increase people's efficiency.

To sum, there's no doubt that development technology do us so much good that sometimes we can even hardly leave today's technology. Technology can save people's time. To this level, I can agree with the speaker. Nevertheless, it is people themselves who determine whether they will have more leisure time, not technology. Besides, technology can bring lots of problems even disasters when misused. Technology is a tool human created, its original purpose is to make their life better, and the boost of people's efficiency is only one of aspects to make their life better.

sakuraanneUID: 2253519

布局有些散乱，没有抓住The primary goal of technological advancement should be这点--要注意这个是主干，而零敲碎打地讨论efficiency，more leisure time, 在p4才点出重点，显得显然是没有抓住重点，想到哪写到哪，随机地路过。。。
首段太模板化，首句直接抄题，这个最好避免。后面说的内容也和接下来几段重复，浪费篇幅
第二段的例子乃至句子全部似曾相识。。。不行
总之文章没有抓住一条主线发散，内容没有有机地结合起来，虽然有的段落内容也可以用，但这种布局显然不行。
再去好好审题，段落顺序要调整
结构死板一点倒也无所谓，总得一步步来，就不批判你首末段了。但是题目内容一定要抓住，立意要有点见识。

zhang-yan09UID: 2704651

2# sakuraanne
谢谢樱姐~
呵呵，确实如樱姐所说，自己写的时候思维就比较乱……逻辑统统的乱了……
自己感觉一是的确思维有问题，二是被英文唬住了，导致句子来来回回用，处于非常初级的模仿阶段，积累严重不足。
谢樱姐指点~鞠躬~回去整理思路，积累句型、单词和例子去了~

是不是应该这样调整一下呢？
P1：这个命题实际上包含两部分：一是科技进步的首要目标是提高人们的效率；二是人们效率提高就能有更多的闲暇时间。然而这两点都有问题。
P2：在日常生活中，科技进步的确提高了人们的效率。而社会竞争压力越来越大，因此人们往往把效率视为科技进步的首要目标。
P3：然而现实中，我们仅仅重视效率是不够的，还有诸如安全、环境等等影响更需要我们去重视。所以科技进步的首要目标并非效率。
P4：即使在我们平时的生活中，确实要把提高效率视为一个很重要的目标，然而效率的提高却不一定使得人们有更多的闲暇时间。
P5：重申命题的问题。我们如何利用科技，如何看待生活，才是最重要的，毕竟我们是为了使得生活更加美好。

不知道这样的结构是不是比之前稍好呢？