第一次agument209

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

我2月10号机考，最近一直忙期末考试，今天才猛然发现就剩不到一个月了，可是作文还基本上没看呢，就在开学初上了一个新东方的班，也没怎么认真学，现在真的有点慌了，刚刚写了一篇issue发上来，真的有人批改，开心死我了，趁热打铁，我现在又写了一篇argument，因为我不知道自己的水平，也不知道应该从何开始复习起，所以就先各写了一篇，argument用了大概1个小时，希望大家给我点建议，我现在到底在什么水平上？应该怎么复习啊？就剩20天了！我们18号期末才考完呢！

209.The following recommendation was made by the Human Resources Manager to the board of directors of the Fancy Toy Company.

"In the last three quarters of this year, under the leadership of our president, Pat Salvo, our profits have fallen considerably. Thus, we should ask for her resignation in return for a generous severance package. In Pat's place, we should appoint Rosa Winnings. Rosa is currently president of Starlight Jewelry, a company whose profits have increased dramatically over the past several years. Although we will have to pay Rosa twice the salary that Pat has been receiving, it will be well worth it because we can soon expect our profits to increase considerably."

The recommendation suffers from a series of logical problems, and is therefore wholly unpersuasive. The manager compared their president Pat Salvo (PS) with a currently president of Starlight Jewelry (SJ) Rosa Winnings (RW) through the profits of their company to demonstrate that they should ask for their incumbent president resignation and appoint RW in order to increase their profits considerably.

To begin with, we can easily and somewhat ironically see that the Fancy Toy Company (FTC) is a toy company and SJ is a jewelry company. As far as I concerned, there are significant differences from that two remote fields. Such as the consumers they should dealing with, the products they should produce and even the kinds of their employees they appoint. For this reason, even though RW was taken considerable profits to SJ, We also can not firmly make a conclusion that RW’s experience and skill in jewelry business will transfer to the toy and she will bring such big profits to FTC.

Therefore, the profits that RW have increased dramatically as the manager mentioned was over the past several years and on contrast, the profits that PS have fallen considerably was only three quarters of this year. Thus, these two unequal periods also can not analogism at all. Because of in the recent months, there may happen some or albeit one but seriously like current Subprime Mortgage Crisis event. Consequently, unless the manager present the same long of the length that RW boost profits and PA fallen, and unless she also provide the period was common, I simply cannot accept the manager’s conclusion.

However, it’s widely known that the vacillation profits of one company cannot simply contribute to the president only. We can not only assumption that it is president who has been primarily responsible for one company’s increase profitability and, similarly, we also cannot condemn the president to the fallen profits. Many uncertain factors, such as the natural regularity of our economy and merchandise markets, the population of one region and the cost of produce their commodity, are wholly determine the profits of one company. So the manager’s affirm that PS was the cause of FTC’s declining profits was completely unreasonable.

In conclusion, the recommendation cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To strengthen it, it must show that RW is also known considerable knowledge and schemes to apply for a toy company and they are really useful to boost the profits of their company. To better evaluate the recommendation we would also need to know that in the same period and same condition, the two presidents have contributed to their company’s profits.

adammaksimUID: 2675466

The recommendation suffers from a series of logical problems, and is therefore wholly unpersuasive. The manager compared their president Pat Salvo (PS) with a currently president of Starlight Jewelry (SJ) Rosa Winnings (RW) through the profits of their company to demonstrate that they should ask for their incumbent president resignation and appoint RW in order to increase their profits considerably.（开头基本是重复题目，算是模板式的开头）

To begin with, we can easily and somewhat ironically see that the Fancy Toy Company (FTC) is a toy company and SJ is a jewelry company. As far as I concerned, there are significant differences from that two remote fields. Such as the consumers they should dealing with, the products they should produce and even the kinds of their employees they appoint. For this reason, even though RW was taken considerable profits to SJ, We also can not firmly make a conclusion that RW’s experience and skill in jewelry business will transfer to the toy and she will bring such big profits to FTC. （这两个公司的差别因该是一个主要的攻击点，可以写得再深入一点）

Therefore,（这个therefore是干嘛的呢，没有因果的逻辑吧） the profits that RW have increased dramatically as the manager mentioned was over the past several years and on contrast, the profits that PS have fallen considerably was only three quarters of this year. Thus, these two unequal periods also can not analogism（这个词性有点问题，这是个名词吧） at all. Because of in the recent months, there may happen some or albeit one but seriously like current Subprime Mortgage Crisis event. Consequently, unless the manager present the same long of the length that RW boost profits and PA fallen, and unless she also provide the period was common, I simply cannot accept the manager’s conclusion.（这个攻击点感觉不是很必要，你可以说三个季度不能说明问题，但不用搞出个什么analogusim出来，完全可以把力气花在为FTC利润下降找一些alternative explanations）

However, it’s widely known that the vacillation profits of one company cannot simply contribute to the president only. We can not only assumption that it is president who has been primarily responsible for one company’s increase profitability and, similarly, we also cannot condemn the president to the fallen profits. Many uncertain factors, such as the natural regularity of our economy and merchandise markets, the population of one region and the cost of produce their commodity, are wholly determine the profits of one company. So the manager’s affirm that PS was the cause of FTC’s declining profits was completely unreasonable.(这个攻击点既可以用在FTC，也可以用在SJ，这时候倒是可以两个合在一起写)

In conclusion, the recommendation cannot be taken seriously as it stands. To strengthen it, it must show that RW is also known considerable knowledge and schemes to apply for a toy company and they are really useful to boost the profits of their company. To better evaluate the recommendation we would also need to know that in the same period and same condition, the two presidents have contributed to their company’s profits.

楼主可以再仔细考虑一下文章的开头和各个攻击点之间的先后和主次
新手上路，第一次拍，有点重，楼主见谅
顺便说一下我也是2.10AW~

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

2# adammaksim
非常感谢！那你说我现在到底是一个什么样的水平啊？真的不知道咋办好了~
你在哪儿考试啊？咱俩会不会碰上啊？哈哈~

adammaksimUID: 2675466

我也说不好你什么水平,建议你多研究一下ETS的范文，分析argument的时候能把作者的论据，假设和推理线索搞清~~
我在广州考的~~加油啊~:victory: 4# xiemeng2370

minor_majorUID: 2502168

1# xiemeng2370
找一段看看，哈哈

minor_majorUID: 2502168

1# xiemeng2370


1# xiemeng2370

To begin with, (我感觉是不是缺少了一个总结性的总起的TS，比如像这样的：Experience of XXX in the management in SJ company might not be helpful to the management of FTC, thus will not bring about more profits?)we can easily and somewhat ironically see that the Fancy Toy Company (FTC) is a toy company and SJ is a jewelry company. As far as I concerned(在AW的这样的文章格式中，一般都会寻求比较中性和比较客观的评价，出现i, me, my opinion这样的词语，会让人感觉你所说的东西存在片面性，那么你的文章就缺少说服性，我感觉这里是不是可以使用common sense tells/reveals that..）, there are significant differences from that two remote fields(我不确定remote fields是不是有这样的词语搭配，我能理解你的意思，你看是不是这样会更确切一些？  these two corporation have different business focus.). Such as the consumers they should dealing with(好的文章是需要斟酌每一个单词和句子的，像这样的没有特别意义的修饰，我感觉在实战中会有点拖累时间，从而导致真的要写的东西来不及写，或者来不及最后好好的检查文章，因此，我建议文章最好好好精简下）, the products they should produce and even the kinds of their employees they appoint（我建议这里是不是可以说 human resource management and corporate core culture). For this reason, even though RW was taken considerable (什么意思？被带来？）profits to SJ, We also can not firmly make a conclusion that RW’s experience and skill in jewelry business will transfer to（转移？） the toy and she will bring such big profits to FTC.



LZ不要生气哦，我是在挑刺，哈哈

第一次能写成这样是很好的啦，继续加油哦~

说几个我个人感觉的需要提高的地方吧:

1.文章的结构需要更加合理一些，多看看优秀的一些文章，都会发现TS，那么TS的作用是有助于你自己组织全文的段落，以及看清楚这段和下一段或者上一段的关系。

2.注意语法和用词，这个需要从第一个文章就开始着手好好的琢磨，文章是要精雕细作出来的，不是为了节约时间而随便写写的，因此，需要好好得多改改自己的习作。

3.再多积累一些更精确的表达方式，让自己的文章能确定的被读者理解。



个人拙见~



加油，共勉之

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

7# minor_major
确实~你改过的句子比我写的顺眼的不是一星半点的~
看来我得先背几篇北美范文学一学基本的用词了吧~
哎~我就半个月了~还差这么多~还来得及么？好慌张啊~

minor_majorUID: 2502168

8# xiemeng2370 其实我感觉，单词是根据你每次写了之后自己琢磨出来的，语法也是，通常两三篇文章，如果能很顺利的写的很精细的话，那么语言自然会比较的出色的，所以，关键还是在自己改和别人的互改~多改

时间半个月是有点赶，但是不是没有机会，现在应该都是寒假了，脱产应该没问题~

xiemeng2370UID: 2749773

9# minor_major
还有机会就好~我们18号放假~完后我就天天AW了~一天10小时差不多吧~我想我也就只能这样了~
是不是至少得写10组啊~我记得我们老师说20组呢~可我现在真没那个时间了~
Thanks a million!!

minor_majorUID: 2502168

10# xiemeng2370 把质先提高了，再开始谈量，这样才有显著的作用，加油~