艰难的一篇，超时严重， issue131，期待互拍，有拍必回

hychlavenderUID: 2697566

TOPIC: ISSUE131 - "The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."
WORDS: 526
TIME: 01:12:15
DATE: 2010/1/29 0:35:30

According to Pluto, art, defined as the process or production of deliberately arranging elements in a way that appeals to the senses or emotions, could be roughly classified into two catalogues: liberal arts and servile ones. In some extent, it is the liberal arts that voice folks' desire and social hidden ideas rather than servile ones.

There exists a proverb cited as the truth for every liberal artist: real works come from true life. Ever since the art once defined as the artificial works fashioned by human beings aiming at entertain people, it cannot get rid of the influence from civilians as well as society. In early times, the word art referred to a wide range of activity and skill for residents to survive and adorn in a community, such as shoemaking, medicine, agriculture and potting. In the process of civilization and human beings comprehensive development, artists began to absorb the core content and attitude from daily labor and other experience in social life. For instance, the well-known carton figure, Uncle Sam, is the full abstraction of normal Americans, it contains distinctive characters and aspirations which only possessed by that time's society.
Whether ancient period or modern time, people and society are the foundation for any art's creation, art acts as the window for society to express its inner characters.

In addition, because liberal arts have the advantage over its capacity to express the inner desire, impulse or dissatisfaction in a more abstract way that other methods lack, the most hidden ideas of society which could not be expressed directly is able to be released through art. Just imagine, how can a person expand his community's inner desire? Loud shouting can be only heard by little amount of people, wordy transmission from person to person suffers from deadly slow pace and undesired misunderstanding. Only a way that is abstract enough to get every person interpret and facilitate its delivery can meet the need of
this kind of expression. There comes the liberal art.

On the contrary, servile art, due to its original purpose's defects, speaks more on behalf of the sponsors, to be more specifically: dominators, rather than the folks. The aim of establishing it is just to accomplish the art as a dominating tools and an approach to exhibit the ruler's power. We can easily verify this assertion through taking a glance over several European cathedrals built in medieval. Notre Dame, one of the most illustrious cathedrals in EU, is an excellent work of servile art. When you place yourself in the big hall, apart from its religious and imperial magnificent, you can hardly get a sense of people's inner desire for the better life and hidden dissatisfaction for repression. To some extent, servile art could not be called as art any more.

In sum, real art acquire its resource from civilians, and pays back to civilians with its final work; it acts as the people’s mouth, it help people to express the inner wishes, it uncovers the hidden impulse of the people. In contrast, the fake art or the servile ones could be just regarded as a tool for money at best.

银落UID: 2632560

TOPIC: ISSUE131 - "The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."
WORDS: 526
TIME: 01:12:15
DATE: 2010/1/29 0:35:30

According to Pluto, art, defined as the process or production of deliberately arranging elements in a way that appeals to the senses or emotions, could be roughly classified into two catalogues(categories会不会好一点？范畴的意思): liberal arts and servile ones. In some extent, it is the liberal arts that voice folks' desire and social hidden ideas rather than servile ones.
第一段表达了一个意思，即自由艺术才能表达社会深层，而奴役性艺术不能。
虽然中心很明确，但是，我觉得你需要把整个文章的结构简略地在第一段铺展开来，让读者有个明确的框架会比较好。
There exists a proverb cited as the truth for every liberal artist: real works come from true life. Ever since the art once defined as the artificial works fashioned by human beings aiming at entertain（entertaining） people, it cannot get rid of the influence from civilians as well as society. In early times, the word art referred to a wide range of activity and skill for residents to survive and adorn in a community, such as shoemaking, medicine, agriculture and potting. In the process of civilization and human beings comprehensive development, artists began to absorb the core content and attitude from daily labor and other experience in social life. For instance, the well-known carton figure, Uncle Sam, is the full abstraction（typical representation） of normal Americans, it contains distinctive characters and aspirations which only possessed by that time's society（branded by temporal society）.
Whether ancient period or modern time, people and society are the foundation for any art's creation, art acts as the window（outlet） for society to express its inner characters.
这一段你讲了艺术从最初到现在的发展，说它的形态和表达因为最初的种种原因，所以和人民社会是紧密相连的。但是，这些不同时代的艺术形态只是表面的例子罢了。其实一两句就可以表达的，你要说的内容应该放在为什么艺术在整个演变的过程中始终和社会深层相连，而相连的意义又是什么。

In addition, because liberal arts have the advantage over its capacity to express the inner（innate，前面用过inner了） desire, impulse or dissatisfaction in a more abstract way that other methods lack, the most hidden ideas of society which could not be expressed directly is（are） able to be released through art. Just imagine, how can a person expand his community's inner（inside） desire（longing）? Loud shouting can be only heard by little amount of people, wordy transmission from person to person suffers from deadly slow pace and undesired misunderstanding.这句和下一句的连接很突兀，前面举了两个具体事例来说明那两种发泄方法是不便的，但是，接下来，你就直接说art是解决难题的唯一方法。首先art如何解决困难了，你没有提到。其次，为什么art是唯一的方法，你也没有提到。这样，文章的逻辑就会脱节，而且会觉得你强词夺理。Only a way that is abstract enough to get every person interpret and facilitate its delivery can meet the need of this kind of expression. There comes the liberal art. 而且你也提到了，abstract对吧。都abstract了，和前面两个有形的交流比起来，abstract的东西不是更难以让人理解吗？


On the contrary, servile art, due to its original purpose's defects（为什么有了目的就一定是缺陷呢，如果defect放在这里，会不会有点偏激？如果你想表达目的性是不好的，那么应该在解释了为什么不好之后，用defect，我觉得这里直接用purpose就可以了，已经能够表达出你在这个观点的立场了）, speaks more on behalf of the sponsors, to be more specifically（intentionally）: dominators, rather than the folks. The aim（object） of establishing it is just to accomplish the art（generate an art work） as a dominating tools（艺术怎么变成工具了？）and an approach to exhibit the ruler's power. We can easily verify this assertion through taking a glance over several European cathedrals built in medieval. Notre Dame, one of the most illustrious cathedrals in EU, is an excellent work of servile art. When you place yourself in the big hall, apart from its religious and imperial magnificent, you can hardly get a sense of people's inner desire for the（去掉）这里只是泛谈好的生活better life and hidden dissatisfaction for repression. To some extent（in a sense，第一段末已经用过这个词组了）, servile art could not be called as art any more.最后一句话太过绝对了，而且也没有给出论证，显得突兀。为什么奴役性的作品就无法被称作为艺术了呢？这一段，你只是在论证艺术品若是有了导向性，就无法表达社会深层，但是，无法表达社会深层和是否被称为艺术的联系，你没有说，而是强加给了读者。其次，你也没有表达出defect的原因，无法表达社会深层的作品就不好了？为什么有导向性的艺术就不好呢？如果只使用巴黎圣母院这个例子来说明表层的事实，而不去剖析深层的原因，那么文章是没有灵魂的。

In sum, real art acquire its resource from civilians, and pays back to civilians with its final work; it acts as the people’s mouth, it help people to express the inner wishes, it uncovers the hidden impulse of the people. In contrast, the fake art or the servile ones could be just regarded as a tool for money at best.

总评：先说语言，语言功底很好，除了有些词重复使用外，其他用法都很精确，而且句子的层次结构都很好，语法错误基本没有。

然后每一段的逻辑和段与段之间的逻辑我都直接在每一段下面指出了。
所以就说下你的整体思想。其实你这篇文章写偏了，题目是旨在说，只有艺术才能表达社会深层，而你却按照（1.艺术从起源到现在，就始终表达着社会潜在的impulse and idea 2.自由艺术是表达的最佳形式 3.奴役性艺术不能被称为艺术，他们是没有价值的）这三个层次来展开写文章的。除去每一段的观点有些突兀，整体的方向就已经不对了。

希望以后先把题目审好，然后再动笔写。

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

棕色 好的表达 蓝色 修改 绿色 评论

According to Pluto, art, defined as the process or production of deliberately arranging elements in a way that appeals to the senses or emotions, could be roughly classified into two catalogues: liberal arts and servile ones. In some extent, it is the liberal arts that voice folks' desire and social hidden ideas rather than servile ones. 只有自由的艺术才能反映民众的欲望和观点，简洁、新颖。

There exists a proverb cited as the truth for every liberal artist: real works come from true life. Ever since the art once defined as the artificial works fashioned by human beings aiming at entertain people, it cannot get rid of the influence from civilians as well as society. In early times, the word art referred to a wide range of activity and skill for residents to survive and adorn in a community, such as shoemaking, medicine, agriculture and potting. In the process of civilization and human beings comprehensive development, artists began to absorb the core content and attitude from daily labor and other experience in social life. For instance, the well-known carton figure, Uncle Sam, is the full abstraction of normal Americans, it contains distinctive characters and aspirations which only possessed by that time's society.
Whether ancient period or modern time, people and society are the foundation for any art's creation, art acts as the window for society to express its inner characters. 真正的艺术来源于生活，该段围绕中心句展开很好。遗憾的是与首段给出的主题无关。

In addition, because liberal arts have the advantage over its capacity to express the inner desire, impulse or dissatisfaction in a more abstract way that other methods lack, the most hidden ideas of society which could not be expressed directly is able to be released through art. Just imagine, how can a person expand his community's inner desire? Loud shouting can be only heard by little amount of people, wordy transmission from person to person suffers from deadly slow pace and undesired misunderstanding. Only a way that is abstract enough to get every person interpret and facilitate its delivery can meet the need of this kind of expression. There comes the liberal art. 自由艺术的特殊性使得其能反映民众的观点，吊起读者胃口时嘎然而止，觉得该段中间部分还可以继续展开。

On the contrary, servile art, due to its original purpose's defects, speaks more on behalf of the sponsors, to be more specifically: dominators, rather than the folks. The aim of establishing it is just to accomplish the art as a dominating tools and an approach to exhibit the ruler's power. 可否改为The aim of establishing it is to convey ruler’s consciousness , thus can’ t be used by the folks to express their hidden ideas and impulses. 从而强调不能被民众所用。We can easily verify this assertion through taking a glance over several European cathedrals built in medieval. Notre Dame, one of the most illustrious cathedrals in EU, is an excellent work of servile art. When you place yourself in the big hall, apart from its religious and imperial magnificent, you can hardly get a sense of people's inner desire for the better life and hidden dissatisfaction for repression. To some extent, servile art could not be called as art any more. 最后的总结句很有道理但有些偏离文章主题，可否删除？或再强调其不能为民众所用，从而回归主题。

In sum, real art acquire its resource from civilians, and pays back to civilians with its final work; it acts as the people’s mouth, it help people to express the inner wishes, it uncovers the hidden impulse of the people. In contrast, the fake art or the servile ones could be just regarded as a tool for money/politics at best.

楼主文笔非常好，语法错误几乎没有，值得学习。首段给出的主题“只有自由的艺术才能反映民众的欲望和观点”也非常新颖。如果后续的三个段落都能紧密围绕主题展开，将会是一篇很好的习作。

另 搜索了一下网上对巴黎圣母院的评论“巴黎圣母院是一座石头建筑，在世界建筑史上，被誉为一级由巨大的石头组成的交响乐。虽然这是一幢宗教建筑，但它闪烁着法国人民的智慧，反映了人们对美好生活的追求与向往。” 其作为奴性艺术的代表是否合适，此处还有待商议。

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

仔细拜读了二楼 银落 版主的评论，的确很强大。赞！

hychlavenderUID: 2697566

2# 银落

感谢~
呵呵，艺术的题材自己还是没有方向，硬憋出来的的还是连边都没沾上呀~
银落大大辛苦了~
收益匪浅~

hychlavenderUID: 2697566

3# ieyangj08

谢谢啦~
改的很仔细呢~
学到了很多，如果你有习作,不嫌弃的话请帖到这里来吧~我好帮你回改~
再次感谢啦~

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

好啊，楼主的文笔很好，我也准备写一篇同主题issue，到时候贴在这里:) 6# hychlavender

银落UID: 2632560

2# 银落  

感谢~
呵呵，艺术的题材自己还是没有方向，硬憋出来的的还是连边都没沾上呀~
银落大大辛苦了~
收益匪浅~
hychlavender 发表于 2010-1-29 20:52

没事。。小夏的文笔很好。。这个优势是别人没有的。。思维只要再训练下就ok了。。~