作文求改，拜谢！

chjwUID: 2663731

Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

Big cities are bustling but a little noisy, while small towns are tranquil but too tedious. So, people have different choice between living in big cities and small towns because of different personalities. As to me, I prefer to live in a big city.

Big cities are the frontiers of modern society, and people can easily enjoy the benefits brought by the development of technology, culture and fashion. In big cities, you can watch most recently published movies in the cinema, attend world class exhibitions and enjoy performance directed or acted by celebrities from around the world. For example, people in Shanghai can pay a visit to the 2010 expo just by minutes' subway, and they can open their eyes while marveling at the wonderful pavilions and the displays in them.

On the other hand, big cities have enough high-quality fundamental constructions and facilities, which not only give advantage to people’s daily life such as traveling, but also influence the future of the offspring. Common sense is that big cities have better transport system such as subway, highway and railway, better education institution such as famous universities, colleges, high schools and kinds of research institutes, better jobs because of there are transnational corporations and notable companies. So, living in big cities means more chances to improve our life and the life of our children. While in small towns, people cannot desire too much, and they have to make full use of the limited resources and civil utilities, such as sending children to the only high school available there, doing shopping in local shops for the lack of supermarkets, and things like that.

But things are not perfect. Living in big cities also means more serious competition, more polluted air, more jammed traffic and busier life. But compared to the tedious life in small towns and considering the amazing side of city life, I still prefer to choose big cities.

elmananaUID: 2629396

语言还可以啦，20-25分的样子，结构上来说你一开始说city noisy ,town tedious ,是引子么，很容易让人感觉像主题句，主题句呢,noisy 和 tedious 你下面说的又不多，说的是其他方面了，我自己感觉你第一句不太妥当啦。还有，你段落不太清晰，第一段太长，你说了你prefer 以后，大概说个城市总体优点马上就要分段了，就是你In big cities, you can ~~ 要另一段了， 这样你的on the other hand,看上去才合理， 最后注意连词的使用，but 用的好多啊， however, in contrast, in another point of view, 可以替换，注意语气的转折，是大转还是小转。 还有重复解释用 in other words,  因果用 accordingly, 这样会让你文章的逻辑性更强。 总之楼主英语不赖，多多加油高分指日可待。

chjwUID: 2663731

2# elmanana
谢谢！！！受益匪浅啊！

语言还可以啦，20-25分的样子，结构上来说你一开始说city noisy ,town tedious ,是引子么，很容易让人感觉像主题句，主题句呢,noisy 和 tedious 你下面说的又不多，说的是其他方面了，我自己感觉你第一句不太妥当啦。
对，这个问题我也很纠结，个人不太喜欢在第一段列出下文的提纲，只是想把文章的主题交代一下。有些句子可能会给人主题句的感觉，这个问题大不大？


还有，你段落不太清晰，第一段太长，你说了你prefer 以后，大概说个城市总体优点马上就要分段了，就是你In big cities, you can ~~ 要另一段了， 这样你的on the other hand,看上去才合理，
您圣明。这个是我粘贴的时候不小心连在一块了。刚在帖子里编辑改过了。

最后注意连词的使用，but 用的好多啊， however, in contrast, in another point of view, 可以替换，注意语气的转折，是大转还是小转。 还有重复解释用 in other words,  因果用 accordingly, 这样会让你文章的逻辑性更强。 总之楼主英语不赖，多多加油高分指日可待。
NB！其实我每次用but的时候都很麻木的。我决定以后必改！

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Big cities are bustling but a little noisy, while small towns are tranquil but too tedious (This word means 'boring' but boring in the sense that it makes people tired. In the context of this essay, I'd say 'boring' is probably more appropriate.). So, people have different choices between living in big cities and small towns because of different personalities. As to me, I prefer to live in a big city. (If you open the essay on 'noisy' and 'tedious', you're actually setting the tone and scope for the whole essay specifically on these two aspects, and your readers will expect you to talk about 'noisy' and 'tedious'. The actual idea you're trying to express is not what big cities and small towns are like, but that each has its own merits and shortcomings. My preference is that you should avoid being too specific in the opening paragraph without address the specifics later on. If you're not sure the 'noisy' and 'tedious' aspects are exactly what you're going to talk about, then generalize. Give a bigger picture instead. Define the boundaries but not the details - leave the details for the body of the essay.)

Big cities are the frontiers of the modern society, and people can easily enjoy the benefits brought by the development of technology, culture and fashion. In big cities, you can watch most recently published movies in the cinemas, attend world-class exhibitions and enjoy performances directed or acted (You don't normally say people 'act' a performance. If you really must differentiate between 'directing' and 'acting', you could say actors 'present' a performance.) by celebrities from around the world. For example, people in Shanghai can pay a visit to the 2010 expo just by minutes' of subway, and they can open their eyes while marveling at the wonderful pavilions and the displays in them.

On the other hand (You're still talking about the merits of big cities. Why do you need a transition?), big cities have enough high-quality fundamental constructions? and facilities, which not only give advantages to people’s daily life such as traveling, but also influence the future of the offspring (What, or whose 'offspring'?). Common sense is that big cities have better transport systems such as subways, highways and railways; better education institutions such as famous universities, colleges, high schools and kinds? (I feel there's a word missing here before 'kinds'.) of research institutes; better jobs because of there are transnational ('multinational') corporations and notable companies. (This sentence is very long, and layering it clearly with semicolons will help readers identify where each small part ends.) So, living in big cities means more chances to improve our life and the life of our children. While in small towns, people cannot (What do you mean they 'cannot' desire too much? If you say 'cannot', it means people are not 'allowed' to desire too much, which is ridiculous because no law would say desiring is prohibited just because you live in a small town. What you wish to express is that they don't have the luxury to desire too much because their resources are limited.) desire too much, and they have to make full use of the limited resources and civil utilities, such as sending children to the only high school available there, doing shopping in local shops for due to the lack of supermarkets, and things like that. (You've now spent a lot of time on describing the merits of big cities. It'll be good to remind readers what exactly the issue is you're trying to illustrate with all these merits - that because of all these merits, you prefer living in a big city.)

But things are not perfect. Living in big cities also means more serious competition, more polluted air, more jammed traffic and busier life. But (I'm not too against the use of 'but's, but at least don't use two in two consecutive sentences.) compared to the tedious life in small towns (The problem is that you didn't talk about 'tedious life in small towns' at all but you keep going back to this phrase. You only talked about how modern life is in big cities, but NOT how dull life is in small towns.) and considering the amazing side? of city life, I still prefer to choose big cities.

总结：

语法和词汇的问题都不大，but可以用但不要连续重复使用（其他任何连词都同理），有些比较不清晰的表达还是要稍微注意一下。主体的例子都举得不错，论述也很有条理~

逻辑方面最主要的问题就是你在开头和结尾段都提到了tedious life in a small town - 但是你的正文完全没有提到这点。这是很忌讳的：你给读者关于你要谈的话题的总体印象，并不是你实际在文中讨论的东西。。=.= 如果你不想在开头段就把你要讲的事情都详细列出来，那就不要用这么specific又没让步的形容词，就像我在第一段的评语中说的，generalize。如果你想表达的是一个更大的概念，就要有从具体中精炼出抽象的能力，不然的话可以让步，用描述性的语言而不是结论性的语言来说这个，比如你可以说in some people's views，大城市怎样怎样，小镇怎样怎样，but other people may not think so.

chjwUID: 2663731

4# mpromanus
谢谢您！我以后不随便乱开头了。
还有，关于用词我还得多多锻炼啊。看了您的修改，发现自己有的地方因为汉式表达太罗嗦，有的词语用得不地道，不过这些也不是一时半会能改掉的，我尽力而为吧。谢谢您帮我指出这么多问题。
顺便问一下，我的错别字一篇文章中差不多能有个7-8个（贴上来之前我都改过来了），这个问题大不大？