小伙子作文

glly7UID: 2675646

作文没怎么练过，有点悲剧，努力不断进步

glly7UID: 2675646

处女作，字数不多，包容下 ，多谢指点
2.8私人收藏化石的优缺 新托福橘宝书P.483~


     Nowadays human occupy our planet ,while ancient animals disappeared .  Although many people claim that along with the vehemently  economic development,the numbers of people who cares history are decreasing ,the information i have collected over recent years  leads me to hold that more people pay their attention on collecting fossils .How come?
      It is always top of the list of my arguments that  fossils give us ways to live better .For example ,analysis of the fossils has spawned great advances in history and anthropology ,helping us dissecting our body ,and prolong our life ,and enhancing our understanding of history.Similarly ,a better understanding of fossils could emancipate  people,especially older,who enthralled by superstition ,boosting our society development by elevating our thinking and by congregating our energy.Perhaps most important ,however,functions of the organs of ancient animals brought about the advances which attracts scientists ' attention  ,thereby applying to us and heightening us.
        On the other hand,some people who want to adopt a meaningful life tend to exchange money for certain fossils ,collecting personally and rejecting to be analyzed by scientists .Anyone would agree that we could improve our standard of living by bringing us pleasure and by beautifying our environment ,but what if scientists have no sample to develop technology? And what if fossils excavated begin to disappear and devastate ?Indisputably ,boost our society development  requires us to confront our selfishness and jealousness,which we decided individually based on ethics .
     From what have been discussed above ,we may safely draw the conclusion that we could to some degree collect fossils  to appreciate or protect .Which contributes our society and ourselves,therefore putting us in a favorable position in becoming a eligible citizen

arimidyUID: 2673973

字数太少会是硬伤，独立作文要字数越多越好，不变的真理
Nowadays human occupy our planet（我的理解你好像不是human，把“our”改成“this”） ,while（as） ancient animals disappeared .  Although many people claim that along with the vehemently  economic development,the numbers of people who cares history are decreasing ,the information i have collected over recent years  leads me to hold that more people pay their attention(前后矛盾。一般如果对历史没兴趣有怎么会去收藏) on collecting fossils .How come?

It is always top of the list of my arguments that  fossils give us ways to live better .For example ,analysis of the fossils has spawned great advances in history and anthropology ,helping us dissecting our body ,and prolong our life ,and enhancing our understanding of history.Similarly ,a better understanding of fossils could emancipate  people,especially older,who enthralled by superstition（词汇新颖但是用得不是地方，句子整体感觉怪异） ,boosting our society development by elevating our thinking and by congregating our energy.Perhaps most important ,however,functions of the organs of ancient animals brought about the advances which attracts scientists ' attention（缺少支持的内容，观点过于单薄，这些都是可以展开以增加字数的点啊）  ,thereby applying to us and heightening us.

On the other hand,some people who want to adopt a meaningful life tend to exchange money for（from） certain fossils ,collecting personally and rejecting to be analyzed by scientists .Anyone would agree that we could improve our standard of living by bringing us pleasure and by beautifying our environment ,but what if scientists have no sample to develop technology（要展开要说明，fossil 和develop 究竟啥关系）? And what if fossils excavated begin to disappear and devastate ?Indisputably ,boost our society development  requires us to confront our selfishness and jealousness,which we decided individually based on ethics .+ I5 R7 i: k& e* P7 x

From what have been discussed above ,we may safely draw the conclusion that we could to some degree collect fossils  to appreciate or protect .Which contributes our society and ourselves,therefore putting us in a favorable position in becoming a eligible citizen

glly7UID: 2675646

:loveliness:恩，谢谢花花的指点，努力改正

glly7UID: 2675646

2.11 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In 20 years from now on, students will not use printed books anymore.
   Though someone ,holding that printed book always playing a important part in our life,i am concerned that the situation of that books will have a favorable attitude toward decline in 20 years when considering the development of technology,the requirement of daily life ,and the convenience .
        It is always top of the list of my point that advanced technology put our life forward ,more available things are applied to our entertainment and job by improving the performance and practicability of facility and by elevating our economic level.for example, the advent of computer has spawned many advances in education , helping us reading book more efficient and free and increaseing our interest in studying . similarly , advanced technology has emancipated printers by receiving time to expand creative possibilities and by doing relegating repetitive talks to computers .perhaps most important ,however , science brought about more and more impetus to education,therefore enhancing the development of society and technology in return .
        It constitute another reason for my point of view that the increasing development of our society parallels more demands.consider,for example ,we have to reading more books in unit to come up with . Anyone would agree that i only desire to have my own life ,comfort ,easy,and no pressure . But what if you are washed out ?or what if you have no capital to sustain your life?  Indisputably ,realizing our dream requires us to study efficient ,do things to elevate our capacity ,thereby giving us a favorable position toward our dream.
        To further clarify this ,we would add that we could occupy many advantages if read e-book. Students who often read e-book could remove any good sentences he like to certain place easily and read them next time and more times ,then your capacity boosts. On the contrary,although students who only read printed book can also do that , you actually would find they do it less efficient and more complicate . A survey shows that efficiency can put us forward directly. So that it is .
         Judging from all the evidences offered above .we could arrive at this conclusion technology direct printed book to disappear .moreover ,it is partly beneficial for us ,especially students,to catch up with the rapidly development of society.

刀小镜UID: 2618532

Though someone ,holding that printed book always playing a(an) important part in our life,
i(I) am concerned that the situation of that books will have a favorable attitude toward decline (这种表达方式的情况下主语应该是人)in 20 years when considering the development of technology,
the requirement of daily life ,and the convenience . / T4 p. I  f! }/ X. `" n

It is always top of the list of my point that advanced technology put our life forward ,more available things are applied to our entertainment and job by improving the performance and practicability of facility and by elevating our economic level.
for(For) example, the advent of computer has spawned many advances in education , helping us reading book more efficient and free（换成方便更好一些吧） and increaseing（increasing） our interest in studying . similarly (Similarly),the advanced （最好换一个词 modern or development避免重复）technology has emancipated printers by receiving （不应该用节约或者减少一类的词吗）time to expand creative possibilities and by doing relegating（？） repetitive talks to computers . perhaps （Perhaps） the most important( is) ,however (连词用的不对吧?), science brought about more and more impetus to education,therefore enhancing the development of society and technology in return .(最重要的是科学技术推进了教育发展，反过来增进了社会和教育的进步？读的不是很明白)

It constitute another reason for my point of view that the increasing development of our society parallels more demands.consider(Considering),for example ,we have to reading (read)more books in unit to come up with（with 啥？） . Anyone would agree that i (I)only desire to have my own life ,comfort ,easy（ease）,and no pressure . But what if you are washed out ?or （Or）what if you have no capital to sustain your life?  Indisputably ,realizing our dream requires us to study efficient(efficiently) ,do things to elevate our capacity ,thereby giving us a favorable position toward our dream.

To further clarify this ,we would add that we could occupy many advantages if read e-book. Students who often read e-book could remove any good sentences he like(likes) to certain place easily and read them next time and more times ,then your capacity boosts. On the contrary,
although students who only read printed book can also do that , you actually would find they do it less efficient(efficiently) and more complicate(complex) . A survey shows that efficiency can put us forward directly. So that it is .

Judging from all the evidences offered above .we could arrive at this conclusion technology direct (directs)printed book to disappear .moreover ,it is partly beneficial for us ,especially students, (who should) catch up with the rapidly development of society.

有很多地方没有注意大小写 有的句子不知道是我能力问题没读懂（《===这个是我最担心出错的><）还是写的真的是不太通顺  文章结构不错 但是说理比较多例子相对少一些

学会用what if 句子了 谢谢LZ^^

glly7UID: 2675646

2.19
While some ,holding this idea that seriously focus on something is significant claim that people should do one certain work during his or her career , i am convinced that practice more kinds of works before we decide which job to do contributes directly to our career when considering the nature of the work you like,the context of each vocation,and the foreground of the job you choice.   
     The main reason lies in the fact that interest is the focus of our life and the source of impetus ,which efficiently make our job accomplished and occupy a meaningful feeling through the process .Anyone would agree that even though certain vocation which beyond my interest ,i can finish it nicely ,efficiently .But what if it is a huge,complicate and sterile project ?or what if the project need uncanny impetus to be analyzed and involve some mental factors ?  Indisputably ,only when one has come though a event do we can really realize the nature of that . Then we can  know which fit us and we can complete efficiently,there by putting us in a favorable position in our career .
     An additional factor involves this recognition that there is no denying the fact that the past of things have a close affinity with its future . That is to say,
If we want to have a better outcome ,first we should do is to realize,analyse ,and even dissect its history. Things like we students study our national and world history in the school ,absorbing its element ,experience,methods,skills--the list goes on .Then we can give deeply insight to it and utilize,complete nicely.In a word ,advances in control of its history greatly enhance our job opportunities and promotion opportunities.
      Leading further credence  to my point is that a good environment is better for us to do anything. Consider ,for example ,you are doing your work ,while the number of people who ever do the same work is undergoing a decline , what would you do?Or What 's in your mind?  It is really hard, not impossible ,for us to fulfill your work  well-off.Which is widely accepted .On the contrary ,the people who is doing that is  soaring , then a dramatic impetus occurs . Namely , whether one vocation have a good foreground  plays extremely important role in our job markets .
      Well , what i  has been discussed above essentially leads me to safely hold the conclusion that various kinds of job experience put us in a favorable position in our enterprises ,that is general accepted by people in growing numbers

showgood07UID: 2605959

While some ,holding this idea that seriously focus on something is significant claim that people should do one certain work during his or her career , i am convinced that practice more kinds of works before we decide which job to do contributes directly to our career when considering the nature of the work you like,the context of each vocation,and the foreground of the job you choice.   
     The main reason lies in the fact[感觉有些别扭] that interest is the focus of[on] our life and the source of impetus ,which efficiently make our job accomplished and occupy a meaningful feeling through the process .Anyone would agree that even though certain vocation which beyond my interest[这个地方为什么要用一个which？看了好久没看明白，如果是从句的话，那么后面的结构就不完整，如果只是指代的话，那逻辑又不对] ,i can finish it nicely ,efficiently .But what if it is a huge,complicate and sterile project ?or what if the project need uncanny impetus to be analyzed and involve some mental factors ?  Indisputably ,only when one has come though a event do we can really realize the nature of that . Then we can  know which[这里也用了一个which，但是用法不对。童鞋想表达的是“我们可以知道哪一个是适合我们的”] fit us and we can complete efficiently,there by putting us in a favorable position in our career .
[这一段论述有点乱，之前提到一个even though，按理来说，后面应该接的是一个与事实不同的结果，因为提到了“即使”，但是后来没有提到，变成了两个反问句，然后得到了结论，这样看起来不是很明白，另外，这一段跑题了，和主体没有多大的关系，如果说题目是提出一个现象，那么第一段就只是在解释这个现象的后果，有举例是说，即使某个稳定的工作超越了我们的兴趣，可当一个更艰难的工作，之类的。]

     An additional factor involves this recognition that there is no denying the fact that the past of things have a close affinity with its future . That is to say, .If we want to have a better outcome ,first we should do is to realize,analyse ,and even dissect its history.[这句话里面有几个谓语？] Things like we students study our national and world history in the school ,absorbing its element , experience, methods, skills--the list goes on . Then we can give deeply insight to it and utilize, complete nicely.In a word ,advances in control of its history greatly enhance our job opportunities and promotion opportunities.[跑得更远了]
      Leading further credence  to my point is that a good environment is better for us to do anything. Consider ,for example ,you are doing your work ,while the number of people who ever do the same work is undergoing a decline , what would you do?Or What 's in your mind?  It is really hard, not impossible ,for us to fulfill your work  well-off.Which is widely accepted .On the contrary ,the people who is doing that is  soaring , then a dramatic impetus occurs . Namely , whether one vocation have a good foreground  plays extremely important role in our job markets .
      Well , what i  has been discussed above essentially leads me to safely hold the conclusion that various kinds of job experience put us in a favorable position in our enterprises ,that is general accepted by people in growing numbers

1、        论述得很好，句式挺多的，词汇也不少，但有种感觉在刻意求新，这不是不好，但是要在能够驾驭的前提下，要能保证正确为第一。
2、        细节要注意，这个和我一样的毛病，单词拼写错误，搭配不对，这样虽然算不上什么大问题，但是在考试中，还是非常头疼的。
3、        不得不说，这篇文章最大的问题：跑题了。不知所云。尽管尽管有很多优点，但是跑题了，就像中国的作文一样，即便文字再漂亮，逻辑再完美，但是文不对题，都是空谈。

希望多多讨论，多多交流

glly7UID: 2675646

2.23 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People who do not work because they get enough money are rarely happy.



Although someone ,holding that happiness involved means, claims that happiness is defined chiefly by the fortune you possess, i am convinced that a person 's happiness place a higher value on people who live with prolific experience ,especially  your work  when considering  the nature of happiness,the practicality of happiness, and the define of happiness
   The main reason lies in the fact that  when it comes to one problem ,first thing we should do is recognize the nature of it . Then we can transact or think profoundly. Things like this , people who possess large sums of money ,,but no vocation, usually are tedious and live under the illusion that they are enjoying their lives .but it is really the case ? You are wealthy,leisurely ,and comfortable ,but how your time should be properly arranged ? It is general accepted that people of that status can not do something ,comprises traveling and playing games , constantly for a longtime . After that , tedious feelings occurs,which put people in an unfavorable position in their later lives .
   It constitutes another reason for my point of view that people in growing numbers are beginning to believe that there is something between practicality and theory ---shade. There is a growing tendency that people tend to take extra work or spend more time on their job to make more money to support their family ,but happiness  can not be equalled with the fortune we possess. Actually , there is few affinity between happiness and asset , the number of people who used to think money signifys a person 's happiness is undergoing a decline .which contributes greatly to the advancement of people 's thinking . That is to say , that  large sums of money  means kind of happy life is just a theory ,not practical
   To further clarify this .,we could add that along with the progress of our society, an increasing number of people seem to fail to see the basic fact that a person 's happiness judged mainly by,not the asset we own,but the feeling s of life , meaningful , colorful ,free---the list goes on . So all leads to my point ---people ,who are rich and do-nothing , can not parallel the happiness.
    Judging from what i have discussed above, i can safely hold this conclusion that people who are doing meaningful things ,striving dreams ,even though they are undergoing affliction ,are happy --the owner of happiness

speedzshawUID: 2556376

2.23 修改 by speedzshaw

speedzshawUID: 2556376

the nature of happiness,the practicality of happiness, and the define of happiness
我的意思是你可以直接表示成the nature,the practicality, and the definition of happiness 这样明快些
也谢谢你的建议 大家互相学习~
其实你的很多词如果剥离来看 确实很不错 就是不要太过于追求“在一篇文章我非要用多少多少词才达到效果”这种心态 就更好了
再一个平时准备时候 我的建议是 尽量模考掐时间 其实也是别人跟我建议过的 所以我一直是规定自己在25分钟内写完的

glly7UID: 2675646

呵呵，那3个是并列的，所以都是一种结构比较好啊我觉得，就像,,,,of,,,,,,  .   ,,,,,of ,,,,,   .  and  ,,,,,of ,,,,
你觉得呢
我也觉得我那些的有些牵强，主要是想不出来，还是得努力
掐时间25分钟，好建议
呵呵，多多交流

tqidtestUID: 2766196

2.23

mpromanusUID: 2565872

额。。这位童鞋我需要题目。。没有题目我没有办法评论你的文章是否符合题目的要求。。=.=

While some ,holding this idea that seriously focus on something is significant, claim that people should do one certain work ('Work' as in 'activity for earning money' is generally not countable. I think you mean 'job'.) during his or her career , I am convinced that to practice with more kinds of works before we decide which job to do contributes directly to our career, when considering the nature of the work you (Who? I thought you were talking about 'we'.) like, the context of each vocation, and the foreground? (What is the 'foreground' of a job? Do you mean 'propect of a job'?) of the job of you choice.

The main reason lies in the fact that interest is the focus of our life and the source of impetus ,which efficiently makes our job accomplished (A person 'accomplish' things. Seldom you'll say a job is 'accomplished'.) and occupies a meaningful feeling? through the process .Anyone would agree that even though a certain vocation, which are beyond my interest ,i can finish it nicely ,efficiently (This is very vague. Also, I don't see the relationship between 'beyond my interest' and 'finish it nicely, efficiently'.).But what if it is a huge,complicate and sterile?? project ?or what if the project needs uncanny impetus? (1. What are you trying to express by 'impetus'? This is not a word to describe jobs. 2. 'Uncanny' is not a word that describes 'impetus' either.) to be analyzed and involves some mental factors (What factors are 'mental factors' anyway? Don't all jobs involve 'mental factors', so to speak?)?  Indisputably ,only when one has come though a event (What event?), do we can really realize the nature of that (What??) . Then we can  know which fits us and what we can complete efficiently,thereby putting us in a favorable position in our career.

An additional factor involves this recognition that there is no denying the fact (This whole entangled part is just saying 'a fact'. It's too much effort for too little return.) that the past of things has a close affinity with its future . That is to say, If we want to have a better outcome , the first we should do is to realize,analyse ,and even dissect its (What's??) history. Things like how we students study our national and world history in the school ,absorbing its elements ,experiences,methods,skills--the list goes on .Then we can give deeply insights to it (Again, what??) and utilize, complete ('complete' what?) nicely.In a word ,advances in control of its history greatly enhance our job opportunities and promotion opportunities. (What does this have to do with 'practice with more kinds of works before we decide which job to do'?)

Lending further credence  to my point is that a good environment is better for us to do anything. Consider ,for example ,you are doing your work ,while the number of people who ever do the same work is undergoing a decline , what would you do?Or What 's in your mind?  It is really hard, not impossible ,for us to fulfill your work (...) well-off.Which is widely accepted (This is a fragment.) .On the contrary ,the people who is doing that what is  soaring , then a dramatic impetus occurs (This is also a fragment.) . Namely , whether one vocation has a good foreground  plays an extremely important role in our job markets . (Again, what does this have to do with 'practice with more kinds of works before we decide which job to do'?)

Well (This kind of interjection is too casual for a formal essay.), what i  has been discussing above essentially leads me to safely hold the conclusion that various kinds of job experience put us in a favorable position in our enterprises ,that is general accepted by people in growing numbers (The last clause is better off as a separate sentence.).

总结：

额。语法和词汇方面基本上可以说没有看出你有足以和你用的模板相配的程度，然后说理方面是架子和用词都摆得很大很空，但是没有具体的例子和坚实有力的论述。。说白了就是你填模板的东西和模板本身一样空泛，那你整篇文章写了等于白写，到最后什么道道也没说出来。至于跑题什么的就更加明显了，基本上看不出你心里有想着你第一段的总论点到底是什么的感觉，就是顺着自己看到 工作 这个关键字之后能想到的一二三往下写。。

总体来说你需要去重新做点功课，看看托福作文应该怎么写，而不是一直用一个模板填来填去，你不知道自己为什么在填模板和在填什么的话，填再多也不会有明显提高的。。

glly7UID: 2675646

不好意思啊，我的失误，每个题目Young people should try different job before they decide which job or career they will do in the long term.

谢谢高人的指点，我就是觉得这个好空，也有点偏题，才选择这篇的，我会好好研究的，
thankyou