ISSUE40 学者追求个人兴趣[10楼翻修] 有拍必回！

plukaUID: 2721764

ISSUE40: “Scholars and researchers should not be concerned with whether their work makes a contribution to the larger society. It is more important that they pursue their individual interests, however unusual or idiosyncratic those interests may seem.”
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前段日子写的，现在写不出了……自己改过一遍，664字。
============10楼已翻修，欢迎继续拍砖=============

A scientist concludes that any exploration starts from three things: curiosity, altruism and reasonable motivation. While individual interest plays an important role, scientists, against a background of today’s rapid globalization and competition, can not and should not turn a blind eye to the influence of their works for the society.

Initially, in any country, most of major researches and developments stem directly from the demand of the society. They emerge and expand thanks to the expectation and sponsor that people offer for their potential contributions. Nuclear energy, for example, draws the attention of all for the tremedous benefit it can bring if being used properly as fuel. And nuclear power plant emerges with cheer. Medicine, too, improves out of people’s desire to overcome sufferings and death. Sponsored by government or cooperation, advocated by people, scholars and researchers may feel free from economical or administrative burden and supported to achieve their accomplishments.  The requirement of society stimulates the motivation and accelerates the achievement, and through fulfilling the demand, these researches exhibit their prowess and value. Can scientists or scholars, therefore, refuse the inspiration from the people, and should they neglect the social call? The answer is negative.

For individual, the concern for the society offers scientist a sense of self-realization, which could be vital during his exploration. Human by nature is altruism. Except for curiosity, we gain satisfaction and happiness from the confidence and conviction of being helping the world. A scientist, realizing the contribution of his work to the public welfare, grows pride and urged by the  responsibility to devote himself into the project. Equipped with such spirit, Chinese scientists and engineers mastered the nuclear technology all of their own without sufficient machines that even caculators were rare and that they computed with pens and papers. Would they be able to create such a miracle, if without the strong devotion to the society? Possibly not. Another illustration is the social scholar who conduct researches in remote areas where the material is scant and living conditions almost unbearable. Personal interest may lend some impetus initially, yet without the passion for the society, without the comfort offered by the altruistic spirit, a person may fail to sustain the work. Society gains the progress, and researchers win the spiritual happiness. 

Yes, still we adore those who explore the world only for their own interests. They exhibit a pure scientific spirit that is almost empyreal and untainted of the mundane, a spirit that is inspiring and worshiped. Also, frequently, they brings about unforeseen benefits to the whole. Faraday devoted himself in the quest of the relationship of magnet and electricity. He had no idea of what this research can do for the society, but insisted on the project out of his curiosity. Yet hundreds years apart from his day, we rely our life heavily on the electricity, which is generated using Faraday’s law. The pure scientific spirit, though sometimes seems ostansibly against practicalism, leaves profound influences.

Nevertheless, no one might expect a world saturated with the pure scientist yet without researchers considering the social need. It takes hundreds of years for Faraday’s law to be applied. Yet there are so many urgent problems that apparently cannot wait that long. We cannot wait till the resources are depleted; we can not wait till the world is warmed to be stewed; we can not wait till the epidemics clears this planet --simply because seldom are there researchers interested in them. If all pursue their own concerns, who will guaratee the pursuit of the interest of the society as a whole? Scientists who concentrate on solving the social problem and making contributions to the society will always be a powerful motor for the progress, even survival, of the society.

Justifiably, scholars and researchers may seek to keep the pure scientific spirit inspired solely by individual interests. Nonetheless, the concern for the society and the awareness of the contribution  were, are, and always will be, the indispensible part in their quest.

求重手，有拍必回请留链！

ShaylenUID: 2700072

ISSUE40: “Scholars and researchers should not be concerned with whether their work makes a contribution to the larger society. It is more important that they pursue their individual interests, however unusual or idiosyncratic those interests may seem.”
==================

A scientist concludes that any exploration starts from three things: curiosity, altruism and reasonable motivation. While individual interests复数形式 play an important role, scientists, against这里用这个词感觉有点不当 a background of today’s rapid globalization and competition, cannot要写作cannot，合起来 and should not turn a blind eye to the influence of their works for the society.这句话读起来有些别扭，觉得表达不是很顺畅。全球化和竞争激烈的趋势与个人兴趣爱好的重要性有冲突么？你的这个观点还没有表现的很清晰。

开头有点跳跃，一下子就从个人兴趣爱好跳到那个全球化的背景去了，这个差距有些大。我觉得不如说，研发与全球社会的发展息息相关，而研发工作者的个人兴趣这个动机又跟重要。你可以参考下，然后散发一下，也不知道这样说对不对。

Initially, in any country, most of major researche and development work查了一下，这样表达比较好 stem directly from the demand of the society.[提取TS] They emerge and expand thanks to the expectation and sponsor that people offer for their potential contributions[/用potential benefits如何？].这句话和前面第一句合成，我觉得这样的话这个TS会更强大一点：科研的potential contributions符合社会的需求，因此促使了科研的诞生。Nuclear energy, for example, draws the attention of all for the tremendous拼写错误 benefit it can bring if being used properly as fuel. And nuclear power plant emerges这个词出现的频繁 with cheer[我觉得或许可以写：Nuclear plants are warm-welcomed，你觉得如何？]. Medicine, too, improves out of people’s desire to overcome sufferings and death死亡不能克服吧？只能说解决疑难杂症吧？. Sponsored by government or cooperation, advocated by people, scholars and researchers may feel free from economical or administrative？burden and are缺少be动词 supported to achieve their accomplishments[这种表述比较少，你觉得改成supported to strive for their accomplishments如何？.]  The requirement of society stimulates the motivation and accelerates the achievement这个表述我觉得有些不那么顺畅，像是中文式英语，直接说motivates更简洁，后面那个accelerate搭配也不那么恰当, and through fulfilling the demand, these researches我觉得应该是说研发成果exhibit their prowess and value. [或许说motivated by the demand比较恰当一些。]Can scientists or scholars, therefore, refuse the inspiration我觉得需求和灵感是不同的概念 from the people, and should they neglect the social call? The answer is negative.

整个段落下来，虽然有TS有例子，就像是建房，有了设计主题设计图，砖瓦钢筋啥的都有了，但是整个房子砖瓦间不够紧凑，水泥糊弄的不够黏。potential benefits满足于社会的需求，我们就可以理解为这就是研发的一个contribution。那么，其实我们可以说——带来的benefits应当是具有深刻的影响，造福于我们生活的这个社会。Nuclear energy确实可以作为一种fuel来造福于人类，但我觉得你这里应当细化一些，更清楚的说出在现在这样的环境下，这种新能源的出现以及产生的积极影响或为整个社会带来的福利，医药的例子也是。医药有很多种，谁也清楚医药是为了解决疑难杂症，倒不如说一些特殊的医药，例如抗H1N2的药物，直接点明这个药物产生为的就是解决甲流。研发的义务，即用这俩个例子来论证。都应论证当时环境下应当进行这样的研发，而且是可以产生benefits的，是可以创造contributions的，这样不更能说明研发工作为社会服务是一种义务么？
所以我觉得，总而言之，就是在例子部分可以稍微细化一些，更具体的说明这些研发的影响，这样黏的更紧凑一些，会更好。

ShaylenUID: 2700072

pluka  先完成一半

我效率好低 明早背完单词了 再来给你接着改 嘿嘿

加油哦 我看好你 表担心！

plukaUID: 2721764

3# Shaylen
原来是上马甲= =
果然改的很细……坐等更猛烈的打击~

ShaylenUID: 2700072

For individual, the concern for the society offers scientist a sense of self-realization, which could be vital during his exploration.[提取TS，有些抽象的感觉] Human by nature is altruism我觉得吧，大多数都是说人是自私的。这句话感觉有些底气不足. Except for curiosity, we gain satisfaction and happiness from the confidence and conviction of being helping the world. A scientist, realizing the contribution of his work to the public welfare, grows pride and urged by the responsibility to devote himself into the project.这句让人觉得思绪有些混乱，我觉得应该先意识到为社会谋福利是自己的responsibility，只有先认知这是一种义务来进行后，才会发觉这个成果的积极意义，也才会从所造成的这种贡献中获得成就感。所以觉得改成having realized his contribution, a scientist怎么样怎么样。总的来说，就是这个句子内部的动作发生，觉得应当有个顺序比较好，而且还稍稍觉得这句像是翻译过来的诶。 Equipped with such spirit, Chinese scientists and engineers mastered the nuclear technology all of their own without sufficient machines that even calculators拼写错误 were rare and that they computed with pens and papers. Would they be able to create such a miracle, if without the strong devotion to the society一般是说受到某种墙裂的意愿的影响吧，而不会说受到某种贡献的鼓舞?给你看一个例句，或许改写后可以用在这里，小推荐，嘿嘿。The love and support of his family sustained him during his time in prison. 家人的关爱和支持帮助他度过了狱中的岁月。 Possibly not. Another illustration is the social scholar who conducts单复数，或者改成scholars who conduct researches in remote areas where the material is scant and living conditions almost unbearable.这句表达很中式。 Personal interests单复数 may lend some impetus initially这个词出现的还不少, yet without the passion for the society, without the comfort offered这个词出现的也不少 by the altruistic spirit, a person may fail to sustain[这个词用在这里是承受住/支撑的含义，一般多是用作sustain the weight]the work.这句话让我觉得论证效果不是很到位，从前面两个without到最后的那个结论，中间论证的说服力度不够，有点点跳跃。 Society gains the progress文章开始说的是public welfare，这个与progress两个的概念内涵不尽相同, and researchers win the spiritual happiness我觉得应该是物质和精神双重收获，成果带来社会福利，相对的自然会带来实际效用.

论点：the concern for our society很重要
论据：
1. 这是一种义务
2. 在这种义务的驱动下，取得积极意义带来的成就感
3. 以上两点共同作用，可以支撑度过困境，帮助承受压力
我觉得这段大致的脉络是可以这样安排，但也不是很确定我这样的归纳是否正确。
或许这段和上面一段的顺序可以改变下，先是义务，再是说可以产生积极影响。要注意这两段的论证内容有交叉。义务在于满足社会需求，积极影响在于为个人带来的成就感和为社会谋得福利。整段的表述依旧还是不够流畅，有些用词和句子的表达不是很自然，例如”Equipped with such spirit”,” where the material is scant and living conditions almost unbearable”

ShaylenUID: 2700072

觉得这段的那个TS啊 写的不是很清楚
和后面的论证联系不够紧密啊

说是a sense of self-realization，但是后面的举例论证，都是在说
关心larger society的研发工作怎么怎么鼓舞研发人员工作之类的，令他们有种成就感。
或许TS可以修改下呢？让后面论证传达的与TS比较贴切。

ShaylenUID: 2700072

Yes, still we adore those who explore the world only for their own interests.[提取TS] They exhibit a pure scientific spirit that is almost empyreal and untainted of the mundane超凡脱俗的？, a spirit that is inspiring and worshiped.这句话，我怎么读都觉得怪怪的 Also, frequently, they brings about unforeseen benefits to the whole. Faraday devoted himself in the quest of the relationship of magnet and electricity. He had no idea of what this research can do for the society, but insisted on the project out of his curiosity. Yet hundreds years apart from his day, we rely our life heavily on the electricity, which is generated using Faraday’s law. 这个例子主要是在强调的是研发的不可预见性，研发在未完成时无法预测会对当时产生怎样的影响，而且长久发展之后，是否又会产生新的影响也是不可预见的。这个例子主要是说farady的发明虽然当时是考虑个人兴趣，而且在之后对全世界人们的生活都有深刻的影响，但是是否提及一下成果刚刚诞生时的反响会更好呢？如果当时就有积极影响延续至今，证明动机是个人兴趣的研发也是可以造福人类的，如果未引起轰动但使今后的生活发生重大变化的话，可以说明即使动机是个人兴趣的研发在初期未能有何影响，但长期发展后也还是可以造福人类的。The pure scientific spirit, though sometimes seems ostensibly拼写错误 against practicalism或许是pragmatism？实用主义, leaves profound influences.无论是当今还是将来都会有影响？


同样的，我觉得这段的TS也是和后面的论证不够紧凑。
中心是We adore those who explore the world only for their own interests，那么后面再展开论证时应该要围绕为什么值得adore，他们做了什么事情，或者说怎样的精神值得我们adore，除了后面那句比较抽象的句子外，后面的那个例子都是在说研发的影响。和主题联系不够贴切啊。具体的见上面例子的分析。

ShaylenUID: 2700072

Nevertheless, no one might expect a world saturated with the pure scientist yet without researchers considering the social need. [提取TS] It takes hundreds of years for Faraday’s law to be applied.看到这句话，我是否可以猜测你在上段的意思是faraday的研发当时是没有什么深刻影响得？上面点明是否会好些？ Yet there are so many urgent problems that apparently cannot wait that long. We cannot wait till the resources are depleted; we cannot wait till the world is warmed to be stewed; we cannot wait till the epidemics clears this planet --simply because seldom are there researchers interested in them.这句论证很有力度啊，good job~ If all pursue their own concerns, who will guarantee拼写错误 the pursuit of这个删掉吧，直接说考虑大众利益，而不说考虑大众利益的追求 the interest of the society as a whole? Scientists who concentrate on solving the social problem and making contributions to the society will always be a powerful motor for the progress, even survival, of the society.这里也还是同样的问题，很抽象，仅仅一句话就说他们是社会进步的motor，从前面的论证到这里，衔接不自然，跨越大。

提取TS后，推断后面的内容应该围绕为什么没人会期待那一的一个世界来展开。
重点就在于要及时的满足当时的社会需求。
觉得这段前面的论证不错，但是后来感觉略显仓促。
从哪个if all开始，其实可以写写，如果不考虑larger society会有怎样的后果来展开

ShaylenUID: 2700072

Justifiably, scholars and researchers may seek to keep the pure scientific spirit inspired solely by individual interests. Nonetheless, the concern for the society and the awareness of the contribution were, are, and always will be, the indispensible part in their quest.

结尾就像是在复述，没有什么新意，也无升华，算是中规中矩么？


总的来说 我觉得有以下几个问题

1.TS不够确切
TS的含义和作用，我想pluka你应该很了解的，后面的论证都应该围绕这句话来，
但是我觉得你的论证和TS粘合度稍有欠缺，不够紧凑。
2.举例论证时，例子论证的深入度
上面也提过，很多例子就像是摆出来而已，与段落的TS间的联系不够紧，也就是说，
例子可以再挖掘的深入点。
3.表达不顺畅
不少地方觉得像是中英翻译，可能是因为限时，所以还未发挥出来。
这个不是问题，我相信你。

不知道点评的对不对，很久没复习作文。
一开始就拿你的开刀，嘿嘿，有错误的话请指教呀。
共进步。加油。

plukaUID: 2721764

9# Shaylen

抱一下，批改得切中肯綮，看了一遍之后自己的思路比写作文那会儿清晰多了！于是赶紧改了——大改，改得俺忍不住要唏嘘= =、
段落顺序换了：后两段提前。例子修改了一些。语言删去废话和恶心的句子。希望这回好些。569字。

Acting as initial impetus of academic exploration, personal interests win emphatic admiration. True, this emphasis holds some justifications. Yet with the increasing connection between social conditions and realization of individual pursuit, scholars and researchers are no longer warranted to ignore the concerns for society. 

Sure enough, we adore those who explore the world only for their own interests for both the spiritual inspiration and possibly unforeseen material gain they offer. Exhibiting a pure scientific spirit that is almost empyreal and untainted of the mundane, they provide a model representing the precious and persistent quest embeded in humanity. And such quest, futile though it frequently seems initially, may render benefits afterwards. When Faraday passionately devoted himself into the research of relationship between magnet and electricity, no contemporary had ideas of what this work could do for society. Yet today people lighted the world with electricity generated according to Faraday’s Law. 

Nevertheless, few people might expect a world saturated with researchers focusing solely on personal inclination and regardless of social needs. It took one and half century for Faraday’s theory to bear fruit. Yet apparently there are too many pressing problems that cannot wait that long. We cannot wait till the resources are depleted; we cannot wait till the world is warmed to be stewed; we cannot wait till the epidemic clears this planet --simply because seldom are there researchers interested in them. Despite potential flourish of various theories produced by the chase for merely individual concerns, some difficult and vital problems might be left behind, rendering the society as weak to secure itself, let alone prosper. 

In reality, social requests not only necessitate researchers’ concerns but also facilitate their exploration, helping the realization of their attainments. Thanks to the support offered from society, science expands its realm and accelerates its development. Famous for its potential to fuel the world and under the auspice of government, technology of nuclear energy burgeons and nuclear power plant emerges with cheer. The seek for remedy of cancer, too, draws sponsors worldwide and doctors have been wining significant progress, including the increasing cure rate of several cancers, such as gastric cancer and skin cancer. With accentuation of society, scholars and researchers are more likely to acquire ample grants and equipment as well as assistance from professional teams, which advantage their cause greatly. And in fulfillment of community demands lie the prowess and the value of research. 

Further, in psychological aspect, the social concern –the collective responsibility –sustains researchers through obstacles and difficult times in their careers. Having realized the importanceof his work, a scientist may feel obliged to dedicate and to accomplish. Chinese scientists and engineers mastered the nuclear technology under extemely scant conditions that even calculators were far from enough and that most computations were done by papers and pens. The devotion for the nation bolstered them through. Social scholars who choose to work in impoverished areas lend illustrations as well. Though interests may play a part at first, it is frequently the sense of obligation, along with subsequent sense of self-realization, that drives them to continue. 

While individual interests, the tradition motivation for study, remain to be important, the actual requirement of the community calls for social concerns of scholars and researchers. In exerting the unparalleled prowess on the betterment of the world, science unveils its nature: to explore the potential of human cognition and, consequently, improve the society as a whole.