ISSUE170 求拍必回 By qisaiman

qisaimanUID: 2703629

What define a great nation? There is no absolute answer since in different historical stage there is different indicator. The speaker emphasizes the general welfare of all the people, but I hold the opinion that the two aspects mentioned in the topic are not mutually exclusive but mutually interdependent, and that the ultimate goal should be placed on the general welfare of the citizens.

In economic theory, the tradeoff between equality and efficiency always exists, and maintaining a balance is of great significance to the healthy and sustainable development of any society. General speaking, the general welfare, that is the equality, includes the financial support of public education, the health care , public transportation and many other social programme. Blind pursuit of the general welfare can bring about serious negative consequences, including numerous fiscal budgets and the possibility of leading to people's losing the sense of obligation and pursuing individual interests in every effort, both of which will inevitably undermine the social economy in the long run.

In a similar way, too much emphasis on the achievements of some groups - could it be the rulers, artists and scientists-in society is dangerous too. The example of Soviet Union aptly illustrates my viewpoints. The rulers of Soviet Union attained glory achievements with the help of its scientists and artists in the field of military and literature at the expense of basic requisite of the people. As the history tells, the Soviet Union was broken anyway.

As mentioned above, overlooking either of the two aspects will lead the nation to the wrong way. And the flourish of a nation lie in how to maintain a balance between equality and efficiency. There is no doubt that the achievements of the scientists and artists can contribute to the general welfare. For instance, the medical research can bring cure to those who suffered; the new energy can result in a cleaner environment; excellent art works can benefit the public with a relaxation and enjoyment of beauty. However, that does not mean the advancement of science will automatically guarantee the welfare. With a limited fiscal budget, financial support can be used to carry out other research such as Internet censorship software and massive destructive weapon, which cannot benefit the public but imperil the general welfare. Hence, it's the duty of the rulers to make decisions about the distribution of the GDP, and to utilize them constructively rather than destructively. The appropriate approach will promotes the general welfare of all the people and thus coordinate more efforts and awareness of the public, which in turn can facilitate the research of the scientists and the enthusiasm of the artists.

The balance of equality and efficiency is difficult to obtain. Accordingly, I think a great nation is a nation where the achievements of its rulers, artists and scientists will promotes rather than sacrifice the general welfare, and the public awareness can appreciate those achievements.
根据修改意见完善了一些。

plukaUID: 2721764

ISSUE170 - "The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists, but the general welfare of all its people."

What define a great nation? There is no absolute answer since in different historical stage there is different indicator. The speaker emphasizes on （emphasize是及物动词）the general welfare of all the people（general与all the people似重复，有冗赘嫌疑）, while（while虽然有点对比的意思，但不强，正式情况还是选一个转折词吧） I hold the opinion that the two aspects mentioned in the topic are not mutually exclusive but mutually interdependent, and （+that） the ultimate goal should be placed on the general welfare of the citizens. 

In economic theory, the tradeoff between equality and efficiency always exists, and maintaining a balance is of great significance to the healthy and sustainable development of any society.（为何从经济理论一下跳到社会发展了？开头的in economic theory让人猛然摸不着头脑。） Generally speaking, the general welfare, that is the equality, includes the financial support of public education, the health care , public transport and many other social programme. Blind pursuit of the general welfare can bring about serious negative consequences, including numerous fiscal budget and the possibility of leading to people's losing the sense of obligation and pursuing individual interests in every effort, both of which will deliberately（用词不妥，inevitably更佳） damage/hamper the social economy in the long run. 段首提到balance，但是后文只论及过度追求equality的恶果，没有提到关于efficiency的东西，没有很好的照应到这个“balance”。此外，私以为这个“盲目追求公众福利会带来恶果”的观点不那么常见，需要解释明白些，不然可能让人觉得不自然，不够compelling。

In a not dissimilar（双重否定显得冗余，直接similar就好） way, too much emphasis on the achievements of some groups - could it be the rulers, artists and scientists-in society is dangerous too. The example of Soviet Union aptly illustrates my viewpoints. The rulers of Soviet Union attained glory achievements with the help of its scientists and artists in the field of military and literature at the expense of basic requisite of the people. As the history tells, the Soviet Union was broken anyway. 段落的结构就只是TS+例子，过于简单。在主题与举例之间需要过渡句，比如大体的阐述一下dangerous的原因。例子后如果可以的话加上段落总结。另，原来对balance的另一半照应放在这一段啊。既然两段篇幅都不长，不如合并，联系强，还显得各段充实些。

As mentioned above, overlooking either of the two aspects will lead the nation to the wrong way. （前后两句可以合并）And the flourish of a nation lie in how to maintain a balance between equation（不是equality么） and efficiency. There is no doubt that the achievements of the scientists and artists can contribute to the general welfare. For instance, the medical research can bring cure to those who suffered; the new energy can result in a cleaner environment; excellent art works can benefit the public with a relaxation and enjoyment of beauty. However, that does not mean the advancement of science will automatically guarantee the welfare. It's the duty of the rulers to make decisions about the distribution of the GDP.（上句说不会自动带来福利，下句扯到统治者的责任——二者的逻辑联系不强。若后句改成“只有通过XX途径，才能实现福利”之类的会好些） The appropriate approach will promotes the general welfare of all the people and thus coordinate more efforts and awareness of the public, which in turn can facilitate the research of the scientists and the enthusiasm of the artists.（这个in turn属于突然冒出的观点，前无论述后无发展）

The balance of equality and efficiency is difficult to obtain. Accordingly, I think a great nation is a nation where the achievements of its rulers, artists and scientists will promotes rather than sacrifice the general welfare, and the public awareness can appreciate those achievements.
总体感觉，观点框架已经形成，但是发展不够，有些地方的连接不太紧密。另外，到最后俺也没搞清为啥非要扯到经济学理论的equality and efficiency，其实就是和平衡问题，直接说平衡个人成就与大众福利也行啊。唔，个人看法，请批判性接受~

qisaimanUID: 2703629

2# pluka
先谢谢pluka的修改。
一直跳不开经济学里那个圈圈，可能是想找点理论依据吧。没办法，理科学生的毛病。
自己也知道欠缺很多，可惜琐事缠身，过两天再看了只能。