Argument53 考前9天模考，求建议 by ieyangj08

ieyangj08UID: 2743219

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 356
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010-2-19


In this argument, the author draws his/her conclusion that more melatonin before birth will make one shyness in his/her infancy and later life. Admittedly, at first glance, it is convincing, however, further reflecting reveals that this argument suffers from several flaws.

To begin with, the credibility of the study is open to doubt. In this study, only 25 infants were involved, and this quantity is too small to give us a convincing result. It is totally possible that other 2500 or more infants who were conceived in early autumn are all extroverted. If any case is true, the result of the study has no value at all. Additionally, the arguer has never mentioned whether these samples are chosen randomly, thus representations of the result is open to doubt too. Perhaps, these infants are all from one community, and other infants of the whole country who was conceived at the same time have little these symptoms at all. Without enough convincing evidences, the result of this study is dubious.

In addition, the cause-and-effect relationship between infants' shyness and the more mount of melatonin before they birth is unconvincing. Only based on the sequence of these two events, it is hasty and cursory to get the cause-and-effect relationship between the two. Perhaps, they two have no relation at all, and other factors might be blamed for this shyness. For example, these infants’ parents are more inclined to shy, and hereditary factors should be responsible for this shyness. Unless the arguer gives other information to support his/her assertion, his or her viewpoint is suspicious.

Finally, the arguer's assertion that this shyness would continue in later life is dubious, for he/she gives no evidence to indicate that. In common sense, we all know that social interactions can influence one's character and behavior. It is entirely possible that these teenagers will become more exocentric in future life through more interactions with people.

To sum up, the author's conclusion is dubious and suspicious at best. To convince us, he/she should provide more information on the credibility and representation of the study, other possible explanations for shyness, and why these symptoms will continue.

ryo61UID: 2670468

觉得思路不错 攻击点也到位的
我纯粹提的就是语言上的建议 主要有两个不足的地方
一个是有语法错误。。。比方说第三段第一句 before they birth->before birth
第二段倒数第二句 and other infants of the whole country who was conceived->...who were conceived
第二个是重复用词 比方说第二段里就一直用convincing 后面那段又是unconvincing
再比方说cause-and-effect也用了很多词 其实可以换成causal 感觉会简洁很多
open to doubt也用了很多次 虽然这个短语挺好 但重复的使用会显得有点累赘 就用doubtful也挺好哒
assertion这个词也在很近的地方重复了 很显眼。。。

再有一个就是我也不是很确信对不对 但是有的用语感觉有点怪怪的
首句里面的那个make one shyness
第二段第一句里那个quantity用在人数上。。。
第二段倒数第二句那个have little these sysptoms at all
第三段里面那个hereditary是世袭祖传 LZ想说的应该是基因遗传? inherited可能要好些

最后 我想说第三段那里说得不太清楚 你第二句的意思是想说 仅仅因为两个事件先后发生 作者就说他们有因果关系 我觉得这个第二句可以说得更明白一点 就是作者仅仅因为两个事件的先后顺序 就认定先发生的事件引起了后面的事件
不然的话 你这个第二句的后面半句跟第一句的意思一样 感觉很多余

ringtailbunnyUID: 2579853

有点短。。当我没说。。
其实可找着点模板练熟了撑撑字数。。