ISSUE130 社会化（限时）倒数9天有拍必回。。by pluka

plukaUID: 2721764

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 528          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-2-21 20:31:32
总算又限成了一篇。拼写和语法错误自己改了一遍在括号里——好多。。。一直在写，没有时间proofreading，泪目。
求指教！需要回拍的请留下链接~谢谢！

The author ascribes the destiny of society to the socialization and laments our failure on educating children. While I concede that socialization helps constructing the fundation（foundation） of the society, I deem it insufficient to determine the fate of the world. Also, the discenible（discernible） betterment of our life exhibits the people's success in cultivating children who can bring about a better society.

Undeniably, socialization, a process during which children acquire necessary skills to cope with both individual and interpersonal business and learn to define their social identity, serves as the basis for any community to maintain a stable and secure condition. However, such elementary demand is not tantamount to the ultimate prosperity and sucess（success）, which is achieved oftentimes through complicated interactions of various factors, not socialization alone. Take a football team as an example. For every player, to be socialized is similar to be cooperative with others and well-functioned for his role. Such clear assignment and the collaborative atmosphere, without which any unified plan or training is impossible, ensure the team to work effectively. Yet in themselves is insufficient to guarantee the success of the match. They need, for example, careful plans, diligent trainings（training单数形式！） and perhaps a little bit（去掉bit，a little） luck. Similarly, while socialization secures the unity and stability of a society, the flourish requires more to attain.

Then, can we call the society today a relatively prosperous and better one? I side with the positive answer. From the perspective of material, people today are enjoying numerous unthinkable conveniences and luxuries, coming along with the dramatically accelarated（accelerated） science and technology. Look around, and one finds himself surrounded by televisions, cellphones, cars and eletronics（electronics） which exert miraculous power that alter(+s) the world to an extent that we achieve higher efficiency and easier life. People's mind, too, becomes increasingly enlightened and indepent（independent都是E没有A!）. Hundreds years ago, when discrimination against the pagan was still legislated and bloody supression（suppression双写P） for freedom oppressed human, the populace were（was） largely chained in mind due to the blocking communication and totalitarian reign. Today, with the unprecedented openness and tolerance facilitated by globlization（globalization）, those that would be deemed eccentric and degenerated are now accepted with tolerance. The unfettered mind enables people to appreciate the difference and anticipate the better.

Those accomplishments come largely out of the success of our education, which has attracted significant attentions of this era. At home, instead of being absolute authorities, as parants（parents后面是E） in victorian（Victorian大写） era did, modern parents treat their sons and daughters with equility（equality） and respect, molding the personality of independent and self-respect. In school, teachers inculcate knowledges（knowledge） of both sciences and humanities on the purpose of nurturing all-round students who will equal their future position in society. The community, too, emphasizes greatly on education in the form of （+a）large amount of educational funding and financing as well as policies aiming at creating a better atmosphere for education. Under such circumstances, children enjoy significant benefits, developing their ability that is necessary to create an improved world.

In sum, while children's socialization lays the fundation（foundation） for the society, I disagree with the author on that the sucess（success） of our society is brought out by various factors, and that we have been doing well in education.

112358UID: 2577487

比你多3天还限不了时……也不能写出那般长句子的人 泪奔过……赶紧去写……

plukaUID: 2721764

好吧，自己先顶一下= =

海王泪UID: 2673613

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 528          TIME: 00:45:00          DATE: 2010-2-21 20:31:32

The author ascribes the destiny of society to the socialization and laments our failure on educating children. While I concede that socialization helps constructing the fundation（foundation） of the society, I deem it insufficient to determine the fate of the world. Also, the discenible（discernible） betterment of our life exhibits the people's success in cultivating children who can bring about a better society.
（哦~决定两句都具体回应。。。高难度哦~）


Undeniably, socialization, a process during which children acquire necessary skills to cope with both individual and interpersonal business and learn to define their social identity, serves as the basis for any community to maintain a stable and secure condition. However, such elementary demand is not tantamount to the ultimate prosperity and sucess（success）, which is achieved oftentimes through complicated interactions of various factors, not socialization alone. Take a football team as an example. For every player, to be socialized is similar to be cooperative with others and well-functioned for his role. Such clear assignment and the collaborative atmosphere, without which any unified plan or training is impossible, ensure the team to work effectively. Yet in themselves is insufficient to guarantee the success of the match. They need, for example, careful plans, diligent trainings（training单数形式！） and perhaps a little bit（去掉bit，a little） luck. Similarly, while socialization secures the unity and stability of a society, the flourish requires more to attain.
1 Definition：孩子们学习如何与人相处，找到自己的社会角色。
2 Claim:决定社会命运通常是“多因素的复杂互动”而不仅是“相处与分工”
3 Evidence: How a football team works（Analogy）
4 Analyze: 光个人是不行的，还要详细计划/训练
没错，一个球队是以球员们相互之间的良好合作与分工为基础，一个社会也是如此。
没错，一个球队的其他成功因素还包括计划和训练，一个社会也的确有社会规划和对个人的训练。
但是，一个球队的成功是以赢得比赛为判断标准，一个社会的成功却不是以嬴得与其他社会的竞争为判断标准吧？
另外，觉得类比有点抽象了，社会规划和对个人的训练没具体说出来，看着很蒙。。。什么叫Plan,什么叫Training小螃蟹能具体解释一下这些Various factors吗？ 实在是没明白。。。

Then, can we call the society today a relatively prosperous and better one? I side with the positive answer. From the perspective of material, people today are enjoying numerous unthinkable conveniences and luxuries, coming along with the dramatically accelarated（accelerated） science and technology. Look around, and one finds himself surrounded by televisions, cellphones, cars and eletronics（electronics） which exert miraculous power that alter(+s) the world to an extent that we achieve higher efficiency and easier life. People's mind, too, becomes increasingly enlightened and indepent（independent都是E没有A!）. Hundreds years ago, when discrimination against the pagan was still legislated and bloody supression（suppression双写P） for freedom oppressed human, the populace were（was） largely chained in mind due to the blocking communication and totalitarian reign. Today, with the unprecedented openness and tolerance facilitated by globlization（globalization）, those that would be deemed eccentric and degenerated are now accepted with tolerance. The unfettered mind enables people to appreciate the difference and anticipate the better.
通过物质、内心的改善来论证A better society.
物质是不用说了~论证非常到位。关于精神，通过对想法的包容性的比较来支持，嗯·有创意 赞

Those accomplishments come largely out of the success of our education, which has attracted significant attentions of this era. At home, instead of being absolute authorities, as parants（parents后面是E） in victorian（Victorian大写） era did, modern parents treat their sons and daughters with equility（equality） and respect, molding the personality of independent and self-respect. In school, teachers inculcate knowledges（knowledge） of both sciences and humanities on the purpose of nurturing all-round students who will equal their future position in society. The community, too, emphasizes greatly on education in the form of （+a）large amount of educational funding and financing as well as policies aiming at creating a better atmosphere for education. Under such circumstances, children enjoy significant benefits, developing their ability that is necessary to create an improved world.

这里谈的是教育。。以更好的教育论证我们学会了怎么Raise Children。。
提个问题， 题目中Socialize和Raise属于同一替换词吗？
1)如果是的话，你的文章就不Coherent了这里，因为BODY第一段定义社会化是相处和分工，该段讲教育，教育谈论的却不是相处和分工，而是Individual development。。。不知道会不会出问题。。
2)如果不是的话，就是说你的这一段说的是BODY第一段里的其他
但没有连接好~就是说第二段中提到Training吧，你various factors中的一个Training咯？ 我觉得如果能进一步说多一句这个是Socialize以外决定社会繁荣的因素，就绕回去成为一体了。不过，问题是Education真的不是Socialize吗？

In sum, while children's socialization lays the fundation（foundation） for the society, I disagree with the author on that the sucess（success） of our society is brought out by various factors, and that we have been doing well in education.

本文每一段自成体系，论证很清晰。小螃蟹又牛B了。。
不过问题出在审题上，Socialize和Education被你割裂开了。。不知道这样会不会有问题。
求解释~

P.S.佩服一下先，Regarless of 审题上我与你的分歧，题目两句都回应并能够那么简单地讲道理，算是应了你备考日志的签名了。学习了， 顺便带走些好词~哈

nannan6474UID: 2612196

The author ascribes the destiny of society to the socialization and laments our failure on educating children. While I concede that socialization helps constructing the fundation（foundation） of the society, I deem it insufficient to determine the fate of the world. Also, the discenible（discernible） betterment of our life exhibits the people's success in cultivating children who can bring about a better society.
第一段写得不错，挺干净利落的，也清晰表达你的主题了
Undeniably, socialization, a process during which children acquire necessary skills to cope with both individual and interpersonal business and learn to define their social identity, serves as the basis for any community to maintain a stable and secure condition. However, such elementary demand is not tantamount to the ultimate prosperity and sucess（success）, which is achieved oftentimes through complicated interactions of various factors, not socialization alone.（好句） Take a football team as an example. For every player, to be socialized is similar to be cooperative with others and well-functioned for his role. Such clear assignment and the collaborative atmosphere, without which any unified plan or training is impossible, ensure the team to work effectively. Yet in themselves is insufficient to guarantee the success of the match. They need, for example, careful plans, diligent trainings（training单数形式！） and perhaps a little bit（去掉bit，a little） luck. Similarly, while socialization secures the unity and stability of a society, the flourish requires more to attain.
这一段前半部分论证明确，但是例子有点不恰当，例子可以使关系到社会的命运之类，影响社会的factors
Then, can we call the society today a relatively prosperous and better one? I side with the positive answer. From the perspective of material, people today are enjoying numerous unthinkable conveniences and luxuries, coming along with the dramatically accelarated（accelerated） science and technology. Look around, and one finds himself surrounded by televisions, cellphones, cars and eletronics（electronics）（电子元件？想表达的是电子词典还是怎样） which exert miraculous power that alter(+s) the world to an extent that we achieve higher efficiency and easier life. People's mind, too, becomes increasingly enlightened and indepent（independent都是E没有A!）. Hundreds years ago, when discrimination against the pagan was still legislated and bloody supression（suppression双写P） for freedom oppressed human, the populace were（was） largely chained in mind due to the blocking communication and totalitarian reign. Today, with the unprecedented openness and tolerance facilitated by globlization（globalization）, those that would be deemed eccentric and degenerated are now accepted with tolerance. The unfettered mind enables people to appreciate the difference and anticipate the better.
这段论证清晰，说到变性还是比较新颖的
Those accomplishments come largely out of the success of our education, which has attracted significant attentions of this era. At home, instead of being absolute authorities, as parants（parents后面是E） in victorian（Victorian大写） era did, modern parents treat their sons and daughters with equility（equality） and respect, molding the personality of independent and self-respect. In school, teachers inculcate knowledges（knowledge） of both sciences and humanities on the purpose of nurturing all-round students who will equal their future position in society. The community, too, emphasizes greatly on education in the form of （+a）large amount of educational funding and financing as well as policies aiming at creating a better atmosphere for education. Under such circumstances, children enjoy significant benefits, developing their ability that is necessary to create an improved world.
这段讲到教育，但是感觉和socialization和better society的关系不大，有点脱离题目了
In sum, while children's socialization lays the fundation（foundation） for the society, I disagree with the author on that the sucess（success） of our society is brought out by various factors, and that we have been doing well in education.

语法错误不多，文字也很流畅，看出楼主的文字功底很硬，但是思路还是要清晰一些，有一点点跑题了。小小意见，拍得不好请见谅，请回拍
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1063276-1-1.html

tequilawineUID: 2702008

The author ascribes the destiny of society to the socialization（of childern) and laments our failure on educating children. While I concede that socialization helps constructing the fundation（foundation） of the society, I deem it insufficient to determine the fate of the world. Also, the discenible（discernible） betterment of our life exhibits the people's success in cultivating children who can bring about a better society.这句话感觉不太清晰，整个段落不错。

Undeniably, socialization, a process during which children acquire necessary skills to cope with both individual and interpersonal business and learn to define their social identity, serves as the basis for any community to maintain a stable and secure condition. However, such elementary demand is not tantamount to the ultimate prosperity and sucess（success）, which is achieved oftentimes through complicated interactions of various factors, not socialization alone. Take a football team as an example. For every player, to be socialized is similar to be cooperative with others and well-functioned for his role. Such clear assignment and the collaborative atmosphere, without which any unified plan or training is impossible, ensure the team to work effectively. Yet in themselves is insufficient to guarantee the success of the match. They need, for example, careful plans, diligent trainings（training单数形式！） and perhaps a little bit（去掉bit，a little） luck. Similarly, while socialization secures the unity and stability of a society, the flourish requires more to attain.同意海王泪的观点，其次就是其他因素是什么你怎么没说，要带一下吧，

Then, can we call the society today a relatively prosperous and better one? I side with the positive answer. From the perspective of material, people today are enjoying numerous unthinkable conveniences and luxuries, coming along with the dramatically accelarated（accelerated） science and technology. Look around, and one finds himself surrounded by televisions, cellphones, cars and eletronics（electronics） which exert miraculous power that alter(+s) the world to an extent that we achieve higher efficiency and easier life. People's mind, too, becomes increasingly enlightened and indepent（independent都是E没有A!）. Hundreds years ago, when discrimination against the pagan was still legislated and bloody supression（suppression双写P） for freedom oppressed human, the populace were（was） largely chained in mind due to the blocking communication and totalitarian reign. Today, with the unprecedented openness and tolerance facilitated by globlization（globalization）, those that would be deemed eccentric and degenerated are now accepted with tolerance. The unfettered mind enables people to appreciate the difference and anticipate the better.


Those accomplishments come largely out of the success of our education, which has attracted significant attentions of this era. At home, instead of being absolute authorities, as parants（parents后面是E） in victorian（Victorian大写） era did, modern parents treat their sons and daughters with equility（equality） and respect, molding the personality of independent and self-respect. In school, teachers inculcate knowledges（knowledge） of both sciences and humanities on the purpose of nurturing all-round students who will equal their future position in society. The community, too, emphasizes greatly on education in the form of （+a）large amount of educational funding and financing as well as policies aiming at creating a better atmosphere for education. Under such circumstances, children enjoy significant benefits, developing their ability that is necessary to create an improved world.前两端关系感觉不大，社会进步了，教育提高了，可为什么BETTER SOCIETY COMES FROM OUR CHILDERN为什么，你没说呀。

In sum, while children's socialization lays the fundation（foundation） for the society, I disagree with the author on that the sucess（success） of our society is brought out by various factors, and that we have been doing well in education.

赞！！！很不错。