issue159可以这样写吗

hurongchildUID: 2595535

今天的练习 要是考试的时候碰到这个题这样写可以么~？
题目：ISSUE159 - "The human mind will always be superior to machines because machines are only tools of human minds."
字数：651
用时：0:42:00
日期：2010-2-24

Machine, originally designed to help people do their works faster and more efficiently, has a long history. In the ancient times, it is widely used in the simplest form, like the simple bow and arrow to hunt animals and the loom to twine clothes. Until the Industrial Revolution, the developing process of machine keeps a slow and steady pace. After the Revolution, however, it has moved into another developing speed. The number of machines invented in these several hundred of years perhaps amounts to that of all those invented in the previous five thousand years in human history. The machines invented today are still tools of human minds. But will it always be only tools of human mind and inferior to us? The answer is quite unknown to us.

Admittedly, it cannot be denied that all the machines during human history are invented with the expectation to be tools of human being and help people work and live better. People use sophisticated physics and mathematical principles to invent machines, aware that they can function in the way that people cannot reach on their own. The invention of wheel, for example, is quite a great movement in history. A wheel along is perhaps not useful, but the superior human mind know how to make it useful--by putting four wheels and a carriage together to form a car and then it can move in a speed that no man could reach. So many machines are invented in the same way, by utilizing human wisdom to give vitality to ordinary things and then these things become different.

Machines are like the collection of human wisdom. When we cast a look on them, we find how superior human mind are. The more superior and intelligent human mind is, the more advanced and sophisticated machines they invented are. As human mind becomes more intelligent than ever now, the machines they invent also become unbelievable advanced, sometimes even intelligent as well. The design of Internet and computer is quite intelligent machines of human mind. They are indeed tools of us. Without the computer and Internet, we could not find the information we want in just seconds; without them, we would still have to write by hand; without them, the economics cannot develop in such a high speed because companies' productivities would be lowered.

But is it inferior to us? Admittedly, they are indeed invented by us. They could work in this way because we programmed them beforehand; they have the energy to work because we link electricity to them; they can become machines because we put the different parts of them together. They cannot be machines without us. However, they seem to be more intelligent than human mind. It is fact that the computers can calculate much faster than human mind. The work that used to be completed by thousands of people by several days and even months’ efforts can now be done by computer in just several minutes, or even seconds. Some might argue that they can only calculate but do not have the ability to 'think'. However, when the most intelligent man, the International Cheese Champion owner is defeated by the most advanced computer in the world, things become ambiguous.

The computer, which does not have the ability to think at first, because the program instilled in them, seems to start to think. The situation today is still under control of human beings. But what the situation may be alike several or decades of years later is quite out of our imagination. And it is concerned by many people what the destiny of machines might be if they keep developing in this way. In situation shown in the movies The Matrix and Terminator probably will never come to be true, but there is possibility that computer would develop their own intelligent and control human beings, and we cannot ignore this possibility and let it happen. We, as the inventor of machines, should always keep an eye on them and be the host of machines, not the slaves.

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

Machine, originally designed to help people do their works faster and more efficiently, has a long history. In the ancient times, it is widely used in the simplest form, like the simple bow and arrow to hunt animals and the loom to twine clothes. Until the Industrial Revolution, the developing process of machine keeps a slow and steady pace. After the Revolution, however, it has moved into another developing speed. The number of machines invented in these several hundred of years perhaps amounts to that of all those invented in the previous five thousand years in human history.[这里缺个连词，你看你要表达什么关系] The machines invented today are still tools of human minds. But will it always be only tools of human mind and inferior to us? [这句有些问题吧？通常是人类思想的唯一工具？]The answer is quite unknown to us.
【你的主旨感觉很模糊，个人认为开头主旨应该提出明确的观点，这样虽然能暗示你下文可能会讨论一些情况，但是就看第一段本身，主题是：我们不知道机器是不是比人类先进。你斟酌一下这样模棱两可的句子可以作为文章的主旨么？难道你下边是要论证我们也不清楚到底是哪个先进？还记得我在年前给你改过的一篇文章吧，提到的主旨、论点和论据论证的关系。】
Admittedly, it cannot be denied that[按正常思维出现这个表达后面会有转折，但是很遗憾没找到] all the machines during human history are invented with the expectation to be tools of human being and help people work and live better. People use sophisticated physics and mathematical principles to invent machines, aware that they can function in the way that people cannot reach on their own. The invention of wheel, for example, is quite a great movement in history. A wheel along is perhaps not useful, but the superior human mind know how to make it useful--by putting four wheels and a carriage together to form a car and then it can move in a speed that no man could reach. So many machines are invented in the same way, by utilizing human wisdom to give vitality to ordinary things and then these things become different[没有明白什么意思].
【这段好像没有论点呀，开头那是个对机器的定义】
Machines are like the collection of human wisdom.[这个表达很中式] When we cast a look on them, we find how superior human mind are. The more superior and intelligent human mind is, the more advanced and sophisticated machines they invented are. As human mind becomes more intelligent than ever now[before], the machines they invent also become unbelievable advanced, sometimes even intelligent as well. The design of Internet and computer is quite intelligent machines of human mind. They are indeed tools of us. Without the computer and Internet[这个出现的太突兀，没有任何铺垫就出来computer and Internet], we could not find the information we want in just[a few] seconds; without them, we would still have to write by hand; without them, the economics cannot develop in such a high speed because companies' productivities would be lowered.
[看到这里我大概明白些了，你的文章是通过陈述机器的功能主导全文。这段的论点应该是：机器是人类智慧结晶]
But is it inferior to us? Admittedly, they are indeed invented by us. [这句话提供不了任何信息，不用说也知道肯定是人造出来的，没有回答是否inferior的问题。诚然，你是要表达肯定没有人类先进。]They could work in this way because we programmed them beforehand; they have the energy to work because we link electricity to them; they can become machines because we put the different parts of them together. They cannot be machines without us[这个要表达个什么意思？]. However, they seem to be more intelligent than human mind. It is fact that the computers can calculate much faster than human mind. The work that used to be completed by thousands of people by several days and even months’ efforts can now be done by computer in just several minutes, or even seconds. Some might argue that they can only calculate but do not have the ability to 'think'. However, when the most intelligent man, the International Cheese Champion owner is defeated by the most advanced computer in the world, things become ambiguous. [果然是论证到最后模糊了]
【这段我又没找到论点，前半部分貌似是说人比机器先进，后半部分是说机器好像又比人先进，那么如果意会的话，论点只能是：不确定到底哪个先进】
The computer, which does not have the ability to think at first, because the program instilled in them, seems to start to think. The situation today is still under control of human beings. But what the situation may be alike several or decades of years later is quite out of our imagination. And it is concerned by many people what the destiny of machines might be if they keep developing in this way. In situation shown in the movies The Matrix and Terminator probably will never come to be true, but there is possibility that computer would develop their own intelligent and control human beings, and we cannot ignore this possibility and let it happen. We, as the inventor of machines, should always keep an eye on them and be the host of machines, not the slaves. [从这里看应该全文要表达的是机器有可能比人类先进]

那么看一看你的逻辑链吧。
首段提出的所谓主旨是不知道哪个先进
接下是两段对机器的定义性论述似乎是说机器不如人类
然后是表达不确定哪个先进

通篇看来，没有明确的中心论点和分论点，这个也谈不上什么逻辑论证过程吧。LZ应该是快要考试了，我也不好怎么狠批，但是有些建议还是希望LZ评判性地接受。

我来分析一下这个题目：

159."The human mind will always be superior to machines because machines are only tools of human minds."

作者提出的观点是人总是比机器先进，理由是机器只是人的工具。

那么这个题的关键就在于这个superior，这个superior你应该进行一下限定，把范围缩小一些，这个先进到底是表现在哪些方面，比如运算速度方面你肯定比不过机器，要是说创造性方面的先进那机器肯定是比不过人，从而这always应该是你的一个启迪思路的地方。你所要论证的也就是到底人类是不是总比机器先进，也就是你同不同意作者的观点，再者就是你同不同意作者的理由，到底机器是不是只是作为人类的工具？那么根据你的限定你就可以来进行不同方面的思考。

你根据这个思考可以得出不同的立论点。比如你说你同意作者的结论，而且认为理由就是机器是人类的工具，然后展开的时候就可以用你文章中的说要根据软件来运行之类的，说明机器只能是为人类服务，无法超越人类的智慧；或者你是反对作者观点，认为机器的发展越来越迅速，已经可以自主整合数据，机器远远不止是工具这么简单了，已经能够代替人类做很多事情，然后你再举例；或者是部分同意部分反对，反对人类总是比机器先进，就是说机器在某些方面确实是比人类先进，但是它们毕竟是人类的工具永远无法超越人类智慧等等，很多的方法。

但是，像你这样最后也没有明确的立场，恐怕不好吧。

然后就是文章框架的构造，你再看看我年前跟你说的。

句语句之间的联系，表达方面的问题。时间不多了，专注逻辑吧。看看分析，想想结构。GOOD LUCK!

另：我看到当时你让我给你再看看的留言，这里先道个歉，当时说晚点儿给你看，后来发现你好久不更新那个汇总贴了，我还以为你不上了，就没有去改，不好意思哈~

After all， 相信自己！

hurongchildUID: 2595535

泪奔····一是为大牛如此认真的给我看了文章，让我知道差距···一是为我自己，写了这么多天依然没有提高···
其实这篇是我的一个常识，以前一直写的中规中矩的，今天模考的时候突然想试下不一样的风格··于是发现，不行，以后还是写的正常点吧···
主要是我觉得，如果全中国的考作文的人全都这样写，包括开头方式、中间三段、结尾方式都一样，考官会不会很厌倦···这是我最近在思索的问题，他们到底喜欢什么样的···
anyway 还是很谢谢~我以为你忘记了，就不好意思再麻烦你一次了~~我会加油的~不会轻易认输的~

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

3# hurongchild
不要说我是大牛了，我也是只菜鸟，3月8号考呢~那次你叫我前辈就把我着实汗了好半天~
文章结构、写几段不是主要的问题，关键是你能让rater看到你的文章后迅速把握你的逻辑。
所以一个文章的骨架还是很重要的，你也看过老米的一些文章，他们通常是把最核心的东西放在最开始，直接让你知道，这是他们的习惯，但也是议论文的通常的习惯，我们高中语文不也都是每段开头亮出观点么。有的人建议，先把每个Body的主题句写出来，然后填充内容，这样就不容易跑题了。

我其实现在是纠结于写不完文章，总是有很多话想说，但是前面多了后面就没时间了，导致头重脚轻，有时不得不忍痛割爱舍掉一个观点。看到你在限时时间内能写600+还是很佩服的，希望你可以指点一下个中秘诀。

还有，我看过你的IBT精华，很牛的么，而且你四六级都是600+基础比偶好多了，呵呵，所以无所谓什么大牛小牛的。

总之，马上就要考了，加油！

hurongchildUID: 2595535

4# 紫陌纤尘o0

你看我的文章可以指出这么多有问题的地方 这本身就很牛啊 像我看别人的文章就觉得别人说的很对···看我自己的也觉得没什么问题···哎~

其实就是这篇写的多点 因为不知道在说什么 平常按照正常思路来写也就500多~所以也没什么好说的，而且偶最大的问题是很没想法~你有想法多好啊，打字速度加快点，争取把话说完，就很好了~
IBT跟GRE不是一个档次的，而且102也不算啥···现在最纠结我的是作文啊~不管怎样~过了这五天我就要结束这种天天跟电脑做伴的生活了~以后可以去自习室了~
我还是觉得你是大牛 大牛加油~我很看好你~