1010G【fish】argument53

polosongruiUID: 2595436

再次占一下

polosongruiUID: 2595436

改 谦行天下11
53. Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his statement, he points out a research based on a small number of samples which was studied（觉得用studied怪怪的，可以考虑conduct） in a group of only 25 infants. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A threshold assumption of this argument is that 25 infants which could only represent a small amount of infants could statistically represent the average reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large to an extent and randomly in some certain area, the result of the research could be quoted for evidence in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responds(感觉应该是responses) towards stimuli are not be able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that more sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, infants’ signs of mild distress (I quoted from the statement) do not equal with(我记得介词好像是to) shyness. As we all know, shyness could difficult to be observed from babies for their undeveloped expression organisms. Hence, the author lack the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shy.

Even assuming the research illustrated by the author has scientific significant and demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall could be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce(喜欢这个词！) that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because early autumn could cause many differences other than levels of melatonin. For example, different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions. （这个位置觉得有点问题，autumn cause many differences，后面的examples应该是这里的many differences吧，但是autumn怎么能cause different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions！不知道是不是我理解错了！）

Even assuming it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, we could not conclude that this shyness continues into later life. The author quoted a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy, which is meaningless. Because he does not demonstrate the account of the shy children among this special group is higher than the whole group of children. As we all know, it is common that there is some amount of shy children. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness.

In conclusion, to persuade me that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life ，the author must supply clear evidence that they use large（adequate or sufficient怎样呢） amount of infants to conduct research, and they consider other factors appeared in a children’s grow（这个不应该啊 a child's grow）. The researcher must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shy. In addition, provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors. (最后是祈使句吧，怪怪的)
整篇文章的结构很棒，赞一个！尤其这种递进的方式一步一步攻破，超级值得我学习啊！只要把细节方面稍作修改，就perfect了！

polosongruiUID: 2595436

自己的第一次修改
Outline :
1 The survey just includes 25 infants and they are not representative in general.
2 The relation between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress is not clear.
3 The relation between signs of mild stress and shyness is not clear.
4 The arguer fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants.

In the argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth lead to shyness during infancy and the shyness continues into later life. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence from a study of a group of infants who show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and a follow-up study carried 13 years later as well. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

Firstly, the study just includes 25 infants and the number is too limited to be representative in general. The quantity of samples is so small that they just can reflect a little part of the possible factors which could contribute to the result. The study should take consideration of other factors such as the place where the infants are born and the age of infants' parents. In order to achieve it, he amount of samples is adequate to an extent and the infants are chosen randomly.Only in this way can the result be convictive.

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress in the infants. There is no evidence to make clear that the situation that infants show signs of mild stress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli result from increased levels of melatonin directly or indirectly. Besides, the human body contains numerous hormones and changes in levels of other hormones may have the effect.

Even if it is the changes of melatonin that result in the consequence, another problem with this argument is the unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. The same point is that the 25 infants show signs of mild stress, but they may grow up in different environment and get different education, which may also cause the shyness. Even if all the external factors are same, their parents are different and transfer different genes to them. The formation of shyness could have much to do with the genes.

Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors, including the external and the internal, that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants. Some other evidences are required to demonstrate that the possible factors, such as grow-up circumstance, the education and the genes, which have been referred to above, cannot lead to the same result.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the factors mentioned above. Only by this can the argument be more convictive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
第二次自改

In the argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth lead to shyness during infancy and the shyness continues into later life. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence from a study of a group of infants who show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and a follow-up study carried 13 years later as well. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

Firstly, the study just includes 25 infants and the number is too limited to be representative in general. The quantity of samples is so small that they just can reflect a little part of the possible factors which could contribute to the result. The study should take consideration of other factors such as the place where the infants are born and the age of infants' parents. In order to achieve it, he amount of samples is adequate to an extent and the infants are chosen randomly.Only in this way can the result be convictive.

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress in the infants. There is no evidence to make clear that the situation that infants show signs of mild stress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli result from increased levels of melatonin directly or indirectly. Besides, the human body contains numerous hormones and changes in levels of other hormones may have the effect.

Even if it is the changes of melatonin that result in the consequence, another problem with this argument is the unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. The arguer just take it for granted that signs of mild stress equal to shyness. After all, the signs of mild stress can be regarded as intension or fear. The same point is that the 25 infants show signs of mild stress, but they may grow up in different environment and get different education, which may also cause the shyness. Even if all the external factors are same, their parents are different and transfer different genes to them. The formation of shyness could have much to do with the genes.

Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors, including the external and the internal, that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants. Some other evidences are required to demonstrate that the possible factors, such as grow-up circumstance, the education and the genes, which have been referred to above, cannot lead to the same result.

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the factors mentioned above. Only by this can the argument be more convictive.

梦想在路上UID: 2812986

POLO霸占好多楼:lol

polosongruiUID: 2595436

二次互改
改agnes2010(Agnes)
The argument assumes that infants, conceived in early autumn, will suffer from(感觉这个程度有点过了吧) shyness during infancy and their later life because of the increased levels of melatonin. To prove it, the arguer describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.To begin with, the two cited researches which the assertion is based on seem to be complementary to each other, however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from them because despite（这是个介词，不能引导一个句子，可以改成though） the samples of both researches are same, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence(13年可以见证一个人的一生？) and also every change occurring during this period caused by both inner and outer factors, that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during communication and socialization（上次我们的issue里面提到socialization,好像已经包含了communication） in later life. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte（第一次见，学习了） to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the readers of the arguer’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happening during infancy is skeptical to a large extent relatively. What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. To reflect a common phenomenon, the samples should be strictly and randomly chosen from different background. For example, if the entire 25 babies are all from a poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family as their shyness may be caused by poverty. If they are all from a single-parent family, their shyness may be brought about（这个短语可不可以用被动形式，见到的大多都是主动形式，前面一句已经用了被动，这里不妨用主动） by their growing environment and single-parental influence, and it is less likely to find such behavior on those who come from nuclear families(吓死啦，差点理解成有核武器的家庭). However, the arguer has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.Thirdly, the arguer concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the arguer takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the arguer, we can easily catch that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the arguer asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the arguer must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during every growing period and catch every key factor which may leads（lead） to their shyness in their adolescent.（我觉得这两个every有点困难）
文章的结构不错，细节地方需要注意，菜鸟意见，仅供参考

agnes2010UID: 2794922

20# polosongrui

谢谢polo帮我改文 其中的确有很多是我的错误~

不过有些地方要解释一下~也请大家帮我看一下~
1、suffer from也可以加疲劳什么的 所以我想在这里加shyness应该问题不大 不知道有没有什么准确的说法呢？
2、13 years can witness one's life from infancy to adolescence 这里我表达的是13年可以见证一个人从婴儿时期到青少年时期的生活。这里用life真的容易造成误解吗？
3、nuclear family 核心家庭 包括父母和孩子 这个没问题吧？

polosongruiUID: 2595436

我最近菜学会了什么叫占楼，然后占楼之后，怎么利用！很抱歉，给大家的视野造成混乱了！！！:O 乌啦啦！ 19# 梦想在路上

azure9UID: 2789030

21# agnes2010
感覺沒有問題...