1010G【fish】argument53

azure9UID: 2789030

53.Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin—a hormone known to affect some brain functions—would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.



请于5月19日晚23点前提交作业。并把作业word文档发给互改的组员
1--->2指，1帮2改，2的作文给1改

第一次互改顺序：
1--->5
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9--->11
10--->1
11--->2

第一次自改文上交的时间是：5月20日晚23点

第二次互改的顺序：
1--->10
2--->11
5--->1
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第二次自改文的上交时间是：5月22日晚23点

azure9UID: 2789030

In this argument, the author concludes that the increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into late life. This conclusion derived from a research of a group of 25 infants. These 25 infants whom the researchers studied were likely to have been conceived in early autumn when the daylight begins to decreasing. That cause the increasing of melatonin, a hormone would affect some brain functions. As it stands, this argument suffers from those critical flaws blow.
To begin with, according to the author, melatonin is a hormone which would affect some brain functions, but he fails to provide more specific information and statistic to substantiate the conclusion that what functions these are. It is possible that it is the function of indentify odors or voices. The infants could still be distress when they face the stimuli of odor or voice.
Even if the melatonin would affect the brain function which would relate to distress of infants, we do not have nay evidence suggest that the distress of surveyed infants was caused by melatonin. The author fails to acknowledge and rule out other possible causes of such distress. It is possible that the odors or voice have stimulation to infant, that they may react distressful. There is also the possibility that the chilly weather of the early autumn when they conceived has little to do with the distress. Unless the author can provide evidence to ruling out this or other possibility, I cannot convince what the author assumes
More over, from the survey quoted in the quoted in the augment, however, we find no sign of these infants for random sampling, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general appearance of those 25 infants as a whole. Those babies could be picked at the same aero, where the water condition may cause the infant's distress. It could be some level of element in the water lead the distress. Since the arguer makes a claim about infant in gernal, the baby sampled for the survey should be able to represent all infants.
In addition, even if the increased level of melatonin is responsible for the wild dresses, there is still unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. Shyness may be formed in a stressful environment when a child was rising up. Such as sigal parent, poor family condition est. These would lead to children's shyness. And mild stress can be temporary emotional rise and fall，it may do less on the shyness personality of infants in their late life.
In conclusion , the arguer fail to establish a causal relationship between the increase level of melatonin and mild distress of infants, and the same to the mild distress and shyness. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence that the increase level of melatonin relevant to the distress of infants. To solidify the argument, the arguer would have to produce more evidence concerning distress function as a main cause to the shyness.
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第一次修改：
In this argument, the author concludes that the increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into late life. This conclusion derived from a research of a group of 25 infants. These 25 infants whom the researchers studied were likely to have been conceived in early autumn when the daylight begins to decreasing. That cause the increasing of melatonin, a hormone would affect some brain functions. As it stands, this argument suffers from those critical flaws blow.
To begin with, according to the author, melatonin is a hormone which would affect some brain functions, but he fails to provide more specific information and statistic to substantiate the conclusion that what functions these are. It is possible that it is the function of visual sense. And the action that the infants felt distress when they confront the stimuli of unfamiliar odor or voice is seemed so common, for all of us have hold a fear of unknown.
Even if the melatonin would affect the brain function which might relate to the cause of distress, we do not have any evidence suggest that the distress of surveyed infants was caused by melatonin. The author fails to acknowledge and rule out other possible causes of such distress. It is possible that the odors or voice have stimulation to infant, that they may react distressful. There is also the possibility that the chilly weather of the early autumn when they conceived has little to do with the distress. Unless the author can provide evidence to ruling out this or other possibility, I cannot convince what the author assumes.
More over, from the survey quoted in the augment, however, we find no sign of these infants for random sampling, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general appearance of those 25 infants as a whole. Those babies could be picked in the same area, where the water condition may do harm on fetus. It could be some level of element in the water lead to this distress of infants. Since the arguer makes a claim about infant in general, the baby sampled for the survey should be able to represent all infants.
In addition, even if the increased level of melatonin is responsible for the mild dresses, there is still unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. Shyness may be formed in a stressful environment when a child was rising up. Such as single parent, poor family condition est. These would lead to children's shyness. And mild stress can be temporary emotional rise and fall. We can’t just simply relate mild stress with shyness as they have no such causality.
In conclusion , the arguer fail to establish a causal relationship between the increase level of melatonin and mild distress of infants, and the same to the mild distress and shyness. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence that the increased level of melatonin is relevant to the distress of infants. To solidify the argument, the arguer would have to produce more evidence concerning distress has the cause-and-effect relationship with the shyness.

谢谢小梦帮我修改文章，你指出的问题我都又认真想过，也改了一些地方。至于第一个漏洞和第二个漏洞，其实我是把它当成一个写的，第二个漏洞的地方我是说，即使M可能和dissress的产生又关，但作者没有给出证明说这些被调查的婴儿的disress是由M引起的。好像又点绕的说，其实我也不知道这样的逻辑是不是正确。还是再想一想，所以那个部分没有做大的修改。

azure9UID: 2789030

改Agnes:

The argument assumes that infants, given birth to by mothers in early autumn, absorbing(这里不知道合不合适，以为只有说affect，没有说是吸收了啊，不过affect也可能是吸收掉了,不然好像也沒有別的affect了吧，我不是很確定，只是提出個疑問) lager amount of melatonin than other babies, will suffer from shyness during their life. To prove it, the speaker describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.

To begin with, the speaker’s assertion is based on the two researches which seem to be complementary to each other(學習了), however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from they(them) because despite they (use) the same object of research, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence and also every change occur in this period cause by both inner and outer factors, that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during communication and socialization. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.

Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the reader of the speaker’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happens during infancy is skeptical. What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. For example, if the entire 25 babies are from the same poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family. Despite the growing environment, there are other crucial factors such as parental influence, school education and so forth. However, the speaker has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.
这一段的可能性不够具体，你说的家庭条件的问题，可以再深入一点说，比如生活环境，教育条件，等等，总之提出一个可能性后最后深入的去分析一下会比较好。

Thirdly, the speaker concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the speaker takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the speaker, it is clear that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the speaker asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the speaker must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during every growing period and catch every key factor which may leads to their shyness in their adolescent.

文章写得很棒，有很多句子值得学习，然后我就学习了~每一段的论述都很有条理，不足在于整篇文章逻辑脉络不够清晰，导致段与段之间是相互分离的。
建议参考这两个帖子：关于攻击顺序与攻击深度的帖子，希望能够弥补文章的不足。诶~但其实我知道有些时候明明知道的，可是下笔写就是会出问题，只有靠多练习来弥补了，加油吧~
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=274535&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D413%26amp%3Borderby%3Ddateline

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=272375&extra=page%3D1%26amp%3Bfilter%3Dtype%26amp%3Btypeid%3D413%26amp%3Borderby%3Ddateline


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改小夢2


In this argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support the conclusion, the arguer cites a follow-up study of a group of 25 infants to prove that melatonin has such influence on these children. Close scrutiny of the facts, however, this argument suffers several critical flaws.

First, the mere fact that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli does not indicate that they were shy. A lot of other possibilities caused such signs should be taken into consideration. It is possible that those infants were more likely sensitive than other infants to feel slightly uncomfortable when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli rather than more easily shy. Possibly this fact indicate that those infants are more clever than others. Without accounting for other possibilities, we can not be convinced by the arguer’s the conclusion that the signs of mild distress those babies showed were shyness during infancy.
先说了sign of mild distress does not indicat shy.可能性提得很好。

Next, the arguer unfairly assumes that it is increased levels of melatonin before birth that results in shyness of infants, by only pointing out(学习了) that those infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn when their mothers’ production of melatonin would increase. However, we all know that merely a coincidence of two events could not sufficiently demonstrate a causal relationship between them. Many other factors could also lead to infants’ shyness, such as changed levels of other kinds of hormone, climate, diet and so on. Maybe there are certain special elements contained in several special autumn fruits actually lead to the infants’ shyness. Without ruling out such factors, we could not convince that increased production of melatonin is the actual cause of shyness during infancy.
这边跟你讨论过了，就不具体写了。我把具体句子用蓝色标出来了。应该小让步一下再提shyness吧。

Finally, the arguer’s assertion that such shyness during infancy will continue into their later lives is unwarranted. Common sense informs me that children’s personality influenced by many factors, especially the condition where they brought up. It is very likely that those children who identified themselves as shy have more easily shy parents. Or perhaps those children have fewer chances than other peers to express themselves in the public. Thus, only if the arguer provides more substantiated information about the upbringing conditions of those children can this argument be wholly accepted.
還是上一段那個問題哦

In sum, the argument is not pervasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, the arguer should provide more relative research in the influence of melatonin and more scientific evidence about family conditions of the group of children. To better assess the statement, we want to study more researches about other factors which can also cause shyness of infants.

文章條理很清晰，可能性提得很合理。但是段與段直接缺乏邏輯銜接，導致文章有點散。中間加一些讓步之類的應該就連起來了吧！總得來說是非常棒的，學習了！

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The argument assumes that infants, conceived in early autumn, will suffer from shyness during infancy and their later life because of the increased levels of melatonin. To prove it, the arguer describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.

To begin with, the two cited researches which the assertion is based on seem to be complementary to each other, however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from them because despite the same samples of both researches, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. 【When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence and also every change occurring during this period caused by both inner and outer factors, 】这个部分读起来有点啰嗦，不如直接列出一些具体的可能性，然后分析这些可能性在小孩成长过程中可能引起害羞的这个反映。that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during socialization in later life. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.

Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the readers of the arguer’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happening during infancy is skeptical to a large extent relatively. 【What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. To reflect a common phenomenon, the samples should be strictly and randomly chosen from different background. 】蓝色这两个地方是不是有点矛盾，觉得你不应该犯这种错吧，难道是我理解的问题 for example, if the entire 25 babies are all from a poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family as their shyness may be cause by poverty.(这句话有点问题了哦，我猜你是想说家庭條件不好的孩子不能代表家庭條件好的孩子。但是這句的意思是家庭條件不好的孩子的生活狀況不能代表家庭條件好的孩子。把what happens in their life改成their living condition會不會好一點) If they are all from a single-parent family, (是說25個都來自同一個單親家庭的意思？？) their shyness may be brought about by their growing environment and single-parental influence, and it is less likely to find such behavior on those who come from nuclear families. However, the arguer has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.

Thirdly, the arguer concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the arguer takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the arguer, we can easily catch that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the arguer asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the arguer must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during the growing period and catch every key factor which may leads to their shyness in their adolescent.

理一變邏輯順序：
1、時間間隔太大，沒有考慮中間可能對小孩性產生影響的因素，得出M是shy的原因是不合適的（針對this shyness continues into late life這個結論來反駁）
2、樣本太小，而且沒有抽樣隨機性的證據。於是有可能因為家庭背景而印象結果。（也是針對this shyness continues into late life來反駁）
3、mild distress不是shyness（針對shyness during infancy來反駁）

我個人覺得是把3放到1、2前面說比較好。不過其實也沒有什麽大關係。文章已經很棒啦！加油！

agnes2010UID: 2794922

Argument 53
Written by Agnes
2010-5-18

主要思路：
忽略了13年间受各种因素影响, 没有足够的证据像是melatonin刻意导致shyness，更不能妄断shyness会一直延续
25个样本数量不足以说明问题
Mild distress不代表shy

The argument assumes that infants, given birth to by mothers in early autumn, absorbing lager amount of melatonin than other babies, will suffer from shyness during their life. To prove it, the speaker describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.

To begin with, the speaker’s assertion is based on the two researches which seem to be complementary to each other, however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from they because despite they the same object of research, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence and also every change occur in this period cause by both inner and outer factors, that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during communication and socialization. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.

Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the reader of the speaker’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happens during infancy is skeptical. What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. For example, if the entire 25 babies are from the same poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family. Despite the growing environment, there are other crucial factors such as parental influence, school education and so forth. However, the speaker has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.

Thirdly, the speaker concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the speaker takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the speaker, it is clear that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the speaker asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the speaker must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during every growing period and catch every key factor which may leads to their shyness in their adolescent.

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second:2010-5-20

The argument assumes that infants, conceived in early autumn, will suffer from shyness during infancy and their later life because of the increased levels of melatonin. To prove it, the arguer describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.

To begin with, the two cited researches which the assertion is based on seem to be complementary to each other, however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from them because despite the samples of both researches are same, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence and also every change occurring during this period caused by both inner and outer factors, that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during communication and socialization in later life. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.

Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the readers of the arguer’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happening during infancy is skeptical to a large extent relatively. What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. To reflect a common phenomenon, the samples should be strictly and randomly chosen from different background. For example, if the entire 25 babies are all from a poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family as their shyness may be cause by poverty. If they are all from a single-parent family, their shyness may be brought about by their growing environment and single-parental influence, and it is less likely to find such behavior on those who come from nuclear families. However, the arguer has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.


Thirdly, the arguer concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the arguer takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the arguer, we can easily catch that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the arguer asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the arguer must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during every growing period and catch every key factor which may leads to their shyness in their adolescent.



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third:2010-5-21

The argument assumes that infants, conceived in early autumn, will suffer from shyness during infancy and their later life because of the increased levels of melatonin. To prove it, the arguer describes a research on 25 infants and a follow-up study based on them recently. Yet, I find the argument is problematic in several critical respects.

To begin with, the two cited researches which the assertion is based on seem to be complementary to each other, however, it is unreasonable to draw any conclusions from them because despite the same samples of both researches, it does not mean the results gained from each study are relevant or reliable. When time fades away, everything changes. So it can not be overlooked that thirteen years can witness one’s life from infancy to adolescence and also every change occurring during this period caused by both inner and outer factors, that is to say, when a child grows up with genetic genes inherited from birth parents, he or she will inevitably influenced by external factors during socialization in later life. Given such circumstance, it is ex parte to allege the increased levels of melatonin before birth are the root cause to shyness.

Secondly, the small sample size of the cited research can not convince the readers of the arguer’s allegation. Compared with a huge number of infants born in autumn, the number of infants chosen to be research samples is so small that the conclusion concerning the seemingly universal phenomenon happening during infancy is skeptical to a large extent relatively. What’s more, whether the chosen babies are random samples or not also matters. To reflect a common phenomenon, the samples should be strictly and randomly chosen from different background. For example, if the entire 25 babies are all from a poverty-stricken district, what happens in their life can not represent those from a well-to-do family as their shyness may be cause by poverty. If they are all from a single-parent family, their shyness may be brought about by their growing environment and single-parental influence, and it is less likely to find such behavior on those who come from nuclear families. However, the arguer has not mentioned any background of the samples, which will leave the reader at sea wondering the reliability of his assertion.

Thirdly, the arguer concludes that both infancy and later life witness shyness of those children born in fall because the high level of melatonin gained from their mothers. Yet, I believe the conclusion is groundless as the arguer takes it for granted that “mild distress” can be considered as “shyness”. According to the example listed by the arguer, we can easily catch that when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, those little infants are psychological suffering instead of being shy. As a result, what the arguer asserts is arbitrary to a certain extent.

In sum, the argument relies on certain doubtful assumptions that render it unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the argument, the arguer must provide clear evidence---perhaps by way of a more accurate research. It is recommended to set up another follow-up research studying the samples during the growing period and catch every key factor which may leads to their shyness in their adolescent.

agnes2010UID: 2794922

改polo：

Outline :
1 The survey just includes 25 infants and they are not representative in general.
2 The relation between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress is not clear.
3 The relation between signs of mild stress and shyness is not clear.
4 The arguer fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants.

In the argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth lead to shyness during infancy and the shyness continues into later life. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence from a study of a group of infants who show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study(我总觉得这里读上去会给人感觉是exposed to the follow-up study,所以是否可以考虑换成a follow-up study carried 13 years later as well，或者其他更好的说法）. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

Firstly, the study just includes 25 infants and the number is too limited to be representative in general. They only cover a little part of the possible factors which may contribute to the result.
这里的论证是否太含糊了？only cover a little part of the possible factors, 那么为什么会导致这样的结果呢？作者可以从再具体地论证一下仅25个样本会导致最终调查结果的不准确性和不可信赖程度等等）

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a casual relationship（作者想说临时关系？但是这里的casual relationship貌似更多用于人与人之间的泛泛之交而已吧，我以为用a temporary connection会更加合适） between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress in the infants. There is no evidence to make （it）clear that the situation that infants show signs of mild stress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli results from increased levels of melatonin directly or indirectly. Besides ,the human body contains numerous hormones and changes in levels of other hormones may have the effect.
感觉这部分的论证不是很清晰，基本上在概括说有其他因素会影响形成shyness，但是具体有哪些因素会直接、间接地对此有影响，造成melatonin 和mild distress之间的关系不成立，作者最好能做具体的说明或距离，单一的论而不证似乎不太有说服力

Even if it is the changes of melatonin that result in the consequence, another problem with this argument is the unfounded casual relationship（可能还是有第三段出现的问题，而且最好不要重复使用哦~） between signs of mild distress and shyness. The same point is that the 25 infants show signs of mild stress, but they may grow up in different environment and get different education, which may also cause the shyness. Even if all the external factors are same, their parents are different and transfer different genes to them. The formation of shyness could have much to do with the genes.

Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors, including the external and the internal, that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants. For instance, the grow-up circumstance, the education and the genes, which have been referred to above, are also the possible factors.（这里不是和上一段重复了吗？上一段就在讲外界因素和内在因素，建议合成一段）

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to（学习了~） what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the factors mentioned above. Only by this can the argument be more convictive.

我也是第一次帮别人改A，可能有许多地方说的不对，请谅解~
个人感觉作者在分析A的缺漏一方面很成功，但是在论证方面感觉上缺失具体的论证内容，有些论而不证的感觉。更多的时候是在说arguer考虑到了什么但是没有意识到其他的因素，但是作者在证明arguer忽略了其他因素这一点上，却没有简明扼要地抓住关键，证明这一点，缺少重要的具体证明。
个人观点，仅供参考哦~

改 小c
In this argument, the author concludes that the increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. This conclusion derived from a research of a group of 25 infants. These 25 infants whom the researchers studied were likely to have been conceived in early autumn when the daylight begins to decreasing. That causes the increasing of melatonin, a hormone would affect some brain functions. As it stands, this argument suffers from those critical flaws blow.学习了！

To begin with, according to the author, melatonin is a hormone which would affect some brain functions, but he fails to provide more specific information and statistic to substantiate 继续学习~ the conclusion that what functions these are. It is possible that it is the function of visual sense.我觉得这里还可以补充一些可能性~否则感觉太单薄了 And the action that the infants felt distress when they confront the stimuli of unfamiliar odor or voice is seemed （seem不这样用，只有sth seems to be或者It seems that.....）so common, for all of us have hold a fear of unknown.

Even if the melatonin would affect the brain function which might relate to the cause of distress, we do not have any evidence suggest that（这句语法有错吧，直接no evidence suggests that....就行啦~） the distress of surveyed infants was caused by melatonin. The author fails to acknowledge and rule out other possible causes of such distress. It is possible that the odors or voice have stimulation to infant, that they may react distressful. There is also the possibility that the chilly weather of the early autumn when they conceived has little to do with the distress. Unless the author can provide evidence to ruling out this or other possibility（这些或那些可能性，感觉有点chi-english~直接all the possibilities会更清楚吧）, I cannot convince（convince是使确信的意思，这里应该用被动哦~ i cannot be convinced by ...或者直接写一个表同意的词吧，如concede） what the author assumes.

More over, from the survey quoted in the augment, however,（这个连词放在这里无意义啊） we find no sign of these infants for random sampling, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general appearance of those 25 infants as a whole. Those babies could be picked in the same area, where the water condition may do harm on fetus. It could be some levels of element in the water lead to this distress of infants. Since the arguer makes a claim about infant in general, the baby sampled for the survey should be able to represent all infants.

In addition, even if the increased level of melatonin is responsible for the mild dresses, there is still unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. Shyness may be formed in a stressful environment when a child was rising up（rise up 不能表示成长，用growing up). Such as single parent, poor family condition est. These would lead to children's shyness. And mild stress can be temporary emotional rise and fall. We can’t just simply relate mild stress with shyness as they have no such causality.(有点chi-english，最好能说there is no such causality in them,个人认为~)

In conclusion , the arguer fail to establish a causal relationship between the increase level of melatonin and mild distress of infants, and the same to the mild distress and shyness. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence that the increased level of melatonin is relevant to the distress of infants. To solidify the argument, the arguer would have to produce more evidence concerning distress has the cause-and-effect relationship with the shyness.

行文比较清晰~但是中间有好多错误哦...
而且这次的语句明显没有issue130来的流畅了....
加油~

梦想在路上UID: 2812986

In this argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support the conclusion, the arguer cites a follow-up study of a group of 25 infants to prove that melatonin has such influence on these children. Close scrutiny of the facts, however, this argument suffers several critical flaws.

First, the mere fact that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli does not indicate that they were shy. A lot of other possibilities about current condition should be taken into consideration. It is possible that those infants were more likely sensitive than other infants to feel litter uncomfortable when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli rather than because of shy. Possibly this fact indicate that those infants are more clever than others. Without accounting for other possibilities, we can not be convinced by the arguer’s the conclusion that the function of melatonin causes shyness during infancy.

Next, the arguer unfairly assumes that it is increased levels of melatonin before birth that results in shyness of infants, by only pointing that those infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn when their mothers’ production of melatonin would increase. However, we all know that merely a coincidence of two events could not sufficiently demonstrate a causal relationship between them. Many other factors could also lead to infants’ shyness, such as changes of temperature, humidity, other kinds of hormone and so on. Without ruling out such factors, we could not convince that increased production of melatonin is the actual cause of shyness during infancy.

Finally, the arguer’s assertion that such shyness during infancy will continue into their later lives is unwarranted. Common sense informs me that children’s personality influenced by many factors, especially the condition where they brought up. It is very likely that those children who identified themselves as shy have more easily shy parents. Or perhaps those children have less chances than other peers to express themselves in the public. Thus, only if the arguer provides more substantiated information about the upbringing conditions of those children can this argument be wholly accepted.

In sum, the argument is not pervasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, the arguer should provide more relative research in the influence of melatonin and more scientific evidence about family conditions of the group of children. To better assess the statement, we want to study more researches about other factors which can also cause shyness of infants.

===============================辛苦的分割线===================================================================
自改一
In this argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support the conclusion, the arguer cites a follow-up study of a group of 25 infants to prove that melatonin has such influence on these children. Close scrutiny of the facts, however, this argument suffers several critical flaws.

First, the mere fact that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli does not indicate that they were shy. A lot of other possibilities caused such signs should be taken into consideration. It is possible that those infants were more likely sensitive than other infants to feel slightly uncomfortable when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli rather than more easily shy. Possibly this fact indicate that those infants are more clever than others. Without accounting for other possibilities, we can not be convinced by the arguer’s the conclusion that the signs of mild distress those babies showed were shyness during infancy.

Next, the arguer unfairly assumes that it is increased levels of melatonin before birth that results in shyness of infants, by only pointing out that those infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn when their mothers’ production of melatonin would increase. However, we all know that merely a coincidence of two events could not sufficiently demonstrate a causal relationship between them. Many other factors could also lead to infants’ shyness, such as changed levels of other kinds of hormone, climate, diet and so on. Maybe there are certain special elements contained in several special autumn fruits actually lead to the infants’ shyness. Without ruling out such factors, we could not convince that increased production of melatonin is the actual cause of shyness during infancy.

Finally, the arguer’s assertion that such shyness during infancy will continue into their later lives is unwarranted. Common sense informs me that children’s personality influenced by many factors, especially the condition where they brought up. It is very likely that those children who identified themselves as shy have more easily shy parents. Or perhaps those children have fewer chances than other peers to express themselves in the public. Thus, only if the arguer provides more substantiated information about the upbringing conditions of those children can this argument be wholly accepted.

In sum, the argument is not pervasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, the arguer should provide more relative research in the influence of melatonin and more scientific evidence about family conditions of the group of children. To better assess the statement, we want to study more researches about other factors which can also cause shyness of infants.

------------------------------------------------努力的分割线--------------------------------------------------------------------------
自改二

In this argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life. To support the conclusion, the arguer cites a follow-up study of a group of 25 infants to prove that melatonin has such influence on these children. Close scrutiny of the facts, however, this argument suffers several critical flaws.

First, the mere fact that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli does not indicate that they were shy. A lot of other possibilities caused such signs should be taken into consideration. It is possible that those infants were more likely sensitive than other infants to feel slightly uncomfortable when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli rather than more easily shy. Possibly this fact indicate that those infants are more clever than others. Without accounting for other possibilities, we can not be convinced by the arguer’s the conclusion that the signs of mild distress those babies showed were shyness during infancy.

Next, granted that infants express their shyness as signs of mild distress, the arguer unfairly assumes that it is increased levels of melatonin before birth that results in shyness of infants, by only pointing out that those infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn when their mothers’ production of melatonin would increase. However, we all know that merely a coincidence of two events could not sufficiently demonstrate a causal relationship between them. Many other factors could also lead to infants’ shyness, such as changed levels of other kinds of hormone, climate, diet and so on. Maybe there are certain special elements contained in several special autumn fruits actually lead to the infants’ shyness. Without ruling out such factors, we could not convince that increased production of melatonin is the actual cause of shyness during infancy.

Finally, even if the increased melatonin can indeed cause shyness of infants, the arguer’s assertion that such shyness during infancy will continue into their later lives is unwarranted. Common sense informs me that children’s personality influenced by many factors, especially the condition where they brought up. It is very likely that those children who identified themselves as shy have more easily shy parents. Or perhaps those children have fewer chances than other peers to express themselves in the public. Thus, only if the arguer provides more substantiated information about the upbringing conditions of those children can this argument be wholly accepted.

In sum, the argument is not pervasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, the arguer should provide more relative research in the influence of melatonin and more scientific evidence about family conditions of the group of children. To better assess the statement, we want to study more researches about other factors which can also cause shyness of infants.

谢谢小C的建议，以后会注意这方面。

梦想在路上UID: 2812986

改 01小C
In this argument, the author concludes that the increased level of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into late life. This conclusion derived from a research of a group of 25 infants. These 25 infants whom the researchers studied were likely to have been conceived in early autumn when the daylight begins to decreasing. That cause the increasing of melatonin, a hormone would affect some brain functions. As it stands, this argument suffers from those critical flaws blow.

To begin with, according to the author, melatonin is a hormone which would affect some brain functions, but he fails to provide more specific information and statistic to substantiate the conclusion that what functions these are. It is possible that it is the function of indentify odors or voices. The infants could still be distress when they face the stimuli of odor or voice. 【你举的反例M的作用是辨别气味和声音不正好说明越多越敏感，越敏感越容易紧张吗？！作者说的不就很对吗？！】
//漏洞一没有说明M的作用。
Even if the melatonin would affect the brain function which would relate to distress of infants, we do not have nay evidence suggest that the distress of surveyed infants was caused by melatonin.【自相矛盾？不是都已经even if 承认了！】 The author fails to acknowledge and rule out other possible causes of such distress. It is possible that the odors or voice have stimulation to infant, that they may react distressful. There is also the possibility that the chilly weather of the early autumn when they conceived has little【不要litter，多一点好了，显得自己都没底气】 to do with the distress. Unless the author can provide evidence to ruling out this or other possibility, I cannot convince what the author assumes
//漏洞二紧张不是由M造成的。
More over, from the survey quoted in the quoted 【笔误哦】 in the augment, however, we find no sign of these infants for random sampling, and have good reason to doubt if the sample is representative enough to reflect the general appearance of those 25 infants as a whole. Those babies could be picked at【in】 the same aero【area】, where the water condition may cause the infant's distress. It could be some level of element in the water lead the distress. Since the arguer makes a claim about infant in gernal【general】, the baby sampled for the survey should be able to represent all infants.
//漏洞三样本代表性。
In addition, even if the increased level of melatonin is responsible for the wild dresses【mild distress】, there is still unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. Shyness may be formed in a stressful environment when a child was rising up. Such as sigal【single】 parent, poor family condition est. These would lead to children's shyness. And mild stress can be temporary emotional rise and fall，it may do less on the shyness personality of infants in their late life.【没说紧张会导致害羞，紧张是M起作用的表现啊，是主角M导致害羞】
//漏洞四紧张不代表害羞。
In conclusion , the arguer fail to establish a causal relationship between the increase level of melatonin and mild distress of infants, and the same to the mild distress and shyness. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence that the increased level of melatonin is relevant to the distress of infants. To solidify the argument, the arguer would have to produce more evidence concerning distress function as a main cause to the shyness.【同样问题，紧张没有会导致害羞】
总体上说，开头和结尾因为是个人习惯，所以主要看了逻辑，语言表达没有动。建议漏洞一和二可以合并，问题就是作者没讲清楚M是虾米东东。还有漏洞四后面写偏离掉了。要注意逻辑细节的问题 ( ^_^ )

------------------------------------------学习的分割线----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
改 07Ity
To pursuade【persuade】 the reader that increased levels of melatonin before birth can cause shyness of infants which continues into their lifetime, the author shows the reader seemly reasonable accounts including the study on a group of infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the long term follow-up survey on that group of infants. When we first read this argument, it seems to be credibal【credible】. However after we further analysis it, there are some problems as follows.

Firstly, the study's results is【主谓不一致】
unreliable. On the one hand, the number of infants who participated in this experiment is too limited to make the study convinced. It is possible that some of the 25 infants have grown up in a terrible circumstance or their parents have some kind of genetical diseases.【这句话没讲完，懂你意思，但没把关键的结果说出来，成长环境不好可以造成很多后果，比如犯罪啊，不是必然会害羞的】
Even if all of the infants were raised in the same condition, 25 infants still couldn't represent all the infants who also showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. On the other hand, the study was made too early to stand for the writer's conclusion, which was drew about thirteen years later, and it is likely that the same research will come to another conclusion if we do that now【now可能就是13年后，有漏洞】.
//漏洞一调查结果不可信，分一人数少没代表性，分二调查时间短。

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between the increased levels of melatonin found in mothers and the mild distress of the infants when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. The research cited by the author only lend some credence to the fact that 25 infants showed
signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, but the connection between that phenomenon and the increased levels of melatonin was deduced by the author himself with the insufficient evidence. Does melatonin, which affects the infants' function of brains, really exert significant influences on the mild distress before birth【出生前的紧张，这个有点牵强吧，那怎么看的出来】? It is entirely possible，but not absolute. Many other facts can also cause the infants' mild distress during the pregnancy period【替换的好，学习】. For example, these infants were more curious about unfamiliar things than other infants, or when exposed to the unfamiliar stimuli, there were some reactions that caused the mother's distress, which might also render their infants.
//漏洞二紧张和M无因果关系。


Finally, the author's perspective on the children's shyness was unsupported. The author fails to rule out other factors which might cause shyness.
There exists lots of possiblities【possibilities】 which can result in children's shyness. For instance, the family's condition including education, economic level and etc. 【，】will possibly influence the way how children behave.【说的好，学习】 Furthermore, the author is too arbitray【arbitrary】 to assert that shyness will continues into later life. Adolescents are still in the growth stage, in which period【这个成分有点问题，改成during which去掉逗号，或者in this period】, children begin to form their own personality, so that the shyness can be easily changed and converted into an opposite character.【说得好！】
//漏洞三儿童的害羞由其他造成+害羞不延续


In summary, the argument is unsupported well and lacks sound evidence. To make his/her statement more credible, he/she should place more emphasis on how to establish a connection between the surveys【和什么之间呢？后面的and我理解为还要改正的地方而不是要和survey建联系的东西】, and modify his/her argument according to the four points above, or the argument is destined to be a failure.

整篇文章的逻辑还是很清晰的，有些分析很到位，多注意加强细节方面的严密性就OK了，学习了！

lty900301UID: 2715509

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 444          TIME: 01:35:33          DATE: 2010/5/18 22:43:11

To pursuade the reader that increased levels of melatonin before birth can cause shyness of infants which continues into their lifetime, the author shows the reader seemly reasonable accounts including the study on a group of infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the long term follow-up survey on that group of infants. When we first read this argument, it seems to be credibal. However after we further analysis it, there are some problems as follows.

Firstly, the studies' results are unreliable. In one hand, the number of infants who participate in this experiment is too limited to make the study convinced.It is possible that some of the 25 infants were grown up in a terrible circumstance or their parents have some kind of genetical disease.Even if all of the infants are raised in the same condition, 25 infants still cannot be representive of all the infants who also showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. In the other hand, both of the surveys were made earilier, which is not enough close to explain that the shyness of children was caused by their mothers' increased production of melatonin when they were infants.

Secondly, the arguer fails to establisth a causal relationship between the increased levels of melatonin found in mothers and the mild distress of the infants when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. The research cited by the author only shows that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, but the connection between that phenomenon and the increased levels of melatonin was deduced by the author himself without any evidence.

Thirdly, the author fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness.
There exists lots of possibilities which can make children be shy. For instance, the family's condition including education, economic level and etc. will possibily influence the way how children behave.

Finally, the author is too arbitray to assert that shyness will continues into later life. Adolecents are in the progress of growing up, in which period, children begin to form their own personality, so that the shyness can be easily changed and converted into an opposite character.

In summary, the argument is not well supported and lacks effective evidence. To make his/her statement more credible, he/she should place more emphasis on how to connect the survies, and modify his/her argument according to the above four points,or the argument is destined to be a failure.


------------------------------------------------------------我是分割线-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
第一次自改

To pursuade the reader that increased levels of melatonin before birth can cause shyness of infants which continues into their lifetime, the author shows the reader seemly reasonable accounts including the study on a group of infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the long term follow-up survey on that group of infants. When we first read this argument, it seems to be credibal. However after we further analysis it, there are some problems as follows.

Firstly, the study's results is unreliable. On
the one hand, the number of infants who participated in this experiment is too limited to make the study convinced.
It is possible that some of the 25 infants have grown up in a terrible circumstance or their parents have some kind of genetical diseases.
Even if all of the infants were raised in the same condition, 25 infants still couldn't represent all the infants who also showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. On the other hand, the study was made too early to stand for the writer's conclusion, which was drew about thirteen years later, and it is likely that the same research will come to another conclusion if we do that now.

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between the increased levels of melatonin found in mothers and the mild distress of the infants when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. The research cited by the author only lend some credence to the fact that 25 infants showed
signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, but the connection between that phenomenon and the increased levels of melatonin was deduced by the author himself with the insufficient evidence. Does melatonin, which affects the infants' function of brains, really exert significant influences on the mild distress before birth? It is entirely possible，but not absolute.
Many other facts can also cause the infants' mild distress during the pregnancy period. For example, these infants were more curious about unfamiliar things than other infants, or when exposed to the unfamiliar stimuli, there were some reactions that caused the mother's distress, which might also render their infants.

Finally, the author's perspective on the children's shyness was unsupported. The author fails to rule out other factors which might cause shyness.
There exists lots of possiblities which can result in children's shyness. For instance, the family's condition including education, economic level and etc. will possibly influence the way how children behave. Furthermore, the author is too arbitray to assert that shyness will continues into later life.
Adolescents are still in the growth stage, in which period, children begin to form their own personality, so that the shyness can be easily changed and converted into an opposite character.

In summary, the argument is unsupported well and lacks sound evidence. To make his/her statement more credible, he/she should place more emphasis on how to establish a connection between the surveys, and modify his/her argument according to the four points above,
or the argument is destined to be a failure.

-------------------------------------------------------------华丽的分割线又来了--------------------------------------------------------------------
第二次自改文章
首先，感谢一下，小V，很细心的修改，好多单词拼写的错误都有:funk:

To persuade the reader that increased levels of melatonin before birth can cause shyness of infants which continues into their lifetime, the author shows the reader seemly reasonable accounts including the study on a group of infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the long term follow-up survey on that group of infants. When we first read this argument, it seems to be credible. However after we further analysis it, there are some problems as follows.

Firstly, the study's results are unreliable. On the one hand, the number of infants who participated in this experiment is too limited to make the study convinced. It is possible that some of the 25 infants have grown up in a terrible circumstance or their parents have some kind of genetical diseases, which may lead to these infants' shyness rather than caused by increased melatonin. Even if all of the infants were raised in the same condition, 25 infants still couldn't represent all the infants who also showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. On the other hand, the study was made too early to stand for the writer's conclusion, which was drew about thirteen years later, and it is likely that the same research will come to another conclusion if we do that 13 years later.

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between the increased levels of melatonin found in mothers and the mild distress of the infants when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. The research cited by the author only lend some credence to the fact that 25 infants showed
signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, but the connection between that phenomenon and the increased levels of melatonin was deduced by the author himself with the insufficient evidence. Does melatonin, which affects the infants' function of brains, really exert significant influences on the mild distress before birth? It is entirely possible，but not absolute. Many other facts can also cause the infants' mild distress during the
pregnancy period. For example, these infants were more curious about unfamiliar things than other infants, or when exposed to the unfamiliar stimuli, there were some reactions that caused the mother's distress, which might also render their infants.

Finally, the author's perspective on the children's shyness was unsupported. The author fails to rule out other factors which might cause shyness.
There exists lots of
possibilities
which can result in children's shyness.For instance, the family's condition including education, economic level and so on, will possibly influence the way how children behave.
Furthermore, the author is too
arbitrary
to assert that shyness will continues into later life.Adolescents are still in the growth stage,in which period, children begin to form their own personality, so that the shyness can be easily changed and converted into an opposite character.

In summary, the argument is unsupported well and lacks sound evidence. To make his/her statement more credible, he/she should place more emphasis on how to establish a connection
between the surveys, and modify his/her argument according to the four points above, or the argument is destined to be a failure.

lty900301UID: 2715509

第一改——梦想

In this argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.

To support the conclusion, the arguer cites a follow-up study of a group of 25 infants to prove that melatonin has such influence on these children. Close scrutiny（不太清楚这个词的用法，望指教）of the facts, however, this argument suffers several critical flaws.

First, the mere（mere fact? Or mere 25infants?）fact that 25 infants showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli does not indicate that they were shy(when they became children). A lot of other possibilities about(这个介词我不太清楚合适否) current condition should be taken into consideration. It is possible that those infants were more likely sensitive than other infants to feel litter（litter？）
uncomfortable when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli rather than because of shy（这里的作用是？不太理解。）. Possibly this fact indicate that those infants are more clever than others. Without accounting for other possibilities, we can not be convinced by the arguer’s the conclusion that the function of melatonin causes（我觉得这里用cause不太合适。Function cause sth不太好理解。）
shyness during infancy.

Next, the arguer unfairly assumes that it is increased levels of melatonin before birth（我觉得这里before birth可以直接不要） that results in shyness of infants, by only pointing（point out） that those infants were more likely to have been conceived in early autumn when their mothers’ production of melatonin would increase.（感觉这一整句话都是累述，没有什么具体的意义）However, we all know that merely a coincidence of two events could not sufficiently demonstrate a causal relationship between them. Many other factors could also lead to infants’ shyness, such as changes of temperature,（temperature指的是温度，温度的改变会引起害羞？我不这么认为，如果改成climate可能会好一些） humidity, other kinds of hormone and so on. Without ruling out such factors, we could not convince that increased production of melatonin is the actual cause of shyness during infancy.
//感觉这一段的驳斥不太好，找出的问题是OK的，但是在指出其它情况的时候，没有很合适很具体。

Finally, the arguer’s assertion that such shyness during infancy will continue into their later lives is unwarranted. Common sense informs me（为了引起阅卷人的共鸣，可以使用us） that children’s personality influenced by many factors, especially the condition where they brought up. It is very likely that those children who identified themselves as shy have more easily shy parents. Or perhaps those children have less chances than other peers to express themselves in the public. Thus, only if the arguer provides more substantiated information about the upbringing conditions of those children can this argument be wholly accepted.(虽然倒装语法我不太会用，不过很喜欢你这句话的表达，学习了！！)

In sum, the argument is not pervasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, the arguer should provide more relative research in the influence of melatonin and more scientific evidence about family conditions of the group of children. To better assess the statement, we want to study more researches about other factors which can also cause shyness of infants. （我觉得最后这句话没有必要写上。）
--------------------------------------------------------------------辛苦的分割线--------------------------------------------------------------------

第二改——小谦

In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his（这里作者不一定是男性，记得新东方课上专门讲到了这个。据说万一阅卷者是一个女权主义者，她会很不爽。。不知是玩笑还是什么，总之改成his/her好一些）
statement, he points out（我觉得这里用offers好一些） a research based on a small number of samples which was studied in a group of only 25 infants. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A threshold assumption of this argument is that 25 infants which could only represent a small amount of infants could(前面有过could，是否可以换个词？或者把前面的could去掉)
statistically represent the average reaction（我不太清楚reaction可以用average修饰不。我觉得general会更好一些吧？） of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large to an extent（可以用一个简单的词enough代替） and randomly in some certain area, the result of the research could be quoted for evidence in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responds towards stimuli are not be able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that more（these）
sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, infants’
signs of mild distress
(I quoted from the statement)(这里可以不用解释的) do not equal with（to）
shyness. As we all know, shyness could difficult（这里不能用形容词） to be observed from babies for their undeveloped expression organisms（这个词的作用是？这个词是名词）. Hence, the author lack the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shy.

Even assuming
the research illustrated by the author has scientific significant(有意义的事物？不太清楚这个词在这里的作用)
and demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall could be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because early autumn could cause many differences other than levels of melatonin.（这句话表达的不太清楚。还是我没看懂。。。丢人了） For example, different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions.
//这一段，感觉论述的不够

Even assuming （少个that 而且重复使用不好，我知道你想每一段都用上让步。可是这种使用方法太过普通，何不尝试一下设问或者反问？）it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, we could not conclude that this shyness continues into later life. The author quoted（注意用词多样性，可以使用cited）
a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—（用,就可以了）who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy, which is meaningless. Because he does not（这里用肯定形式的否定更好些，比如fails to）
demonstrate the account(amount)
of the shy children among this special group is higher than the whole group of children. As we all know, it is common that there is some amount of shy children. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness.(还有哪些？？既然提出来了，就一定要把它叙述完)

In conclusion, to persuade me that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life（不用再把那么长的观点全部写出来）
the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research, and they consider other factors appeared in a children’s grow. The researcher must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shy（shyness）. In addition, provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors.


我统计了一下次数，大概是390多词，我个人认为，如果可以写到450以上就更好一些了。个人意见，嘿嘿。

--------------------------------------------------------------------我又来了--------------------------------------------------------------------



第三改——小凝（偶像）

In the argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth result in infants’ mild distress, and even shyness that appears(毕竟shyness是在他们婴儿时期出现，延续到现在的，所以应该用continues) in their later life. To justify his conclusion, the author cites a research study(research,study都是名词，重复了。或者这是一个固定用法吗？不太清楚，希望小凝指教喔~) of a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild stress. However, a close scrutiny of this argument reveals that it suffers from several critical fallacies, as discussed below.

First of all, the statistical data is rather small and incomplete. In the study, the researchers only collected 25 infants as samples and tried to convince us the relationship of（between会好些吧？我不太清楚有relationship of A and B的用法） melatonin and mild distress. Choosing samples in the experiments plays a key role when we do research. Basically, to make the conclusion more convincing, the sample size should be large enough to avoid small probability event. It’s said that researchers must test a new drug on thousands of patients before launching the drug, to see whether it will have a side-effect on patients, or whether it does help to relieve symptoms. In other fields, such as economic forecast which is the hot spot in our society, data mining（可以看出作者的知识面非常广泛啊。佩服！！） in computer science, thousands of even ten thousands of（我记得高中老师说过，thousands of 是一个泛指，是一个很大的概念，甚至比ten thousands of 要大。。不过我也不清楚高中老师说的对不对。我觉得可以改成hundreds of even thousands of ） samples are needed to build model, so that the result can be close to reality. Thus, the only 25 infants mentioned in the argument are far from enough. Moreover, whether the infants are from different areas or just from the same city? Whether they are the off-springs of just 4 or 5 family（families）? What about the male female ratio? Nothing more can we peek from the argument, while such information is likely to cause a bias in the result.
//这一段话中分的论证了数据不足的问题，举得两个例子都体现了作者知识面之广。很漂亮的一段话

Secondly, instead of confirming the relationship between mild distress and the increasing melatonin, the author only instates the two phenomena to us. One, is the fact that the group composes of the infants that feel distress when dealing with unfamiliar stimuli; the other, is their finding that these infants’ mothers produce more melatonin than others when they are pregnant. But does the abnormal amount of melatonin that contributes to mild distress? How can they affect the infants’ character? Are there any factors, such as the living environments, the foods they take, etc., that lead to this symptom? These underlying questions should be examined before we draw a conclusion. However, the argument doesn’t show further researches that can give us a more confirmed answer（我认为这里answer应该用复数，毕竟前面，有很多问题。一个问题对应一个答案么）.

Moreover, there is little evidence to show what（where?） the relationship exists between mild distress and shyness, nor does the relationship between the increased level of melatonin and children's shyness. Are they the cause and effect, or two factors that cause another symptom in parallel, or just unrelated but tighted together by incident? The simple following research didn't go deeper into it. Besides, the small sample size remains as a unsolved problem that will affect the result as mentioned above. So, the logical deduction of confirming the relationship between increased level of melatonin and shyness by arguing that melatonin cause mild distress, thus mild distress cause shyness, is not rigorous.

In sum, the author fails to validate the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and shyness continues into later life. To make it logically acceptable, the author should collect a large amount of samples from different areas. Furthermore, it’s better to do more related researches into the relation among melatonin, shyness and distress.

看完了小凝的作文，又一次的享受，然后再去看看我自己那篇让人吐血的作文吧。。。。:dizzy:

谦行天下UID: 2797557

In this argument, based on an unreasonablededuction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused byincreased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. Tosupport his statement, he points out a research based on a small number of sampleswhich was studied in a group of only 25 infants. This argument rests on aseries of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as itstands.

A threshold assumption of this argument isthat 25 infants which could only represent a small amount of infants could statisticallyrepresent the average reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infantsis large to an extent and randomly in some certain area, the result of theresearch could be quoted for evidence in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’responds towards stimuli are not be able to demonstrate the author’s conclusionthat more sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. Inaddition, infants’ signs of mild distress (I quoted from the statement) do notequal with shyness. As we all know, shyness could difficult to be observed frombabies for their undeveloped expression organisms. Hence, the author lack theevidence to support that the mild distress expression means shy.

Even assuming the research illustrated bythe author has scientific significant and demonstrate that infants who are conceivedin early fall could be shy compared with other infants. We could not simplydeduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because earlyautumn could cause many differences other than levels of melatonin. Forexample, different temperature, short day, long night, and even differentemotions.

Even assuming it is the increased hormonethat causes infants shy, we could not conclude that this shyness continues intolater life. The author quoted a follow-up studies that more than half of thesechildren—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves asshy, which is meaningless. Because he does not demonstrate the account of theshy children among this special group is higher than the whole group ofchildren. As we all know, it is common that there is some amount of shychildren. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the otherfactors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
第一次自改文
In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his/her statement, he offers a research based on a small number of samples which was studied in a group of only 25 infants. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A basic assumption of this argument is that 25 infants which only represent a small amount of infants could statistically represent the general reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large enough and infants are randomly chosen in some certain area, the result of the research could be quoted as standards but only in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responses towards stimuli are not able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, infants’ signs of mild distress do not equal to shyness. As we all know, shyness could be difficult to be identified from babies for their undeveloped expression methods. Hence, the author lacks the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shyness.

Even assuming that the research illustrated by the author is scientific and could demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall is more likely to be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because conceiving babies in early autumn compared with in other seasons should many other differences than the levels of melatonin. For example, different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions of the pregnant mother. If researchers can not convince us, the direct cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and shyness of babies, we could not conclude that the increased hormone hinges on babies’ character.

Even if it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, could we draw a conclusion that this shyness continues into later life? The author cited a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves shy, which is meaningless. Because he fails to demonstrate the amount of the shy children among this special group is higher than the whole group of children. As we all know, it is common that there is certain number of shy children exist. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness, like, influence of family, education of school, peers’ impact and so forth.

In conclusion, to persuade me that the cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and babies’ and teenagers’ the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research, and during the research they also consider other factors appeared in a children’s grow. The researchers must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shyness and provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors.

多谢烟火和polo的修改，烟火提了很多很有意义的建议，收益良多！polo改的也有启发！辛苦你们了！
如：烟火1.不可仅用he指作者；2、用fail to 代替否定会更好；3、注意语言的变化性

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
第二次自改文
In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his/her statement, he offers a research based on a small number of samples（改1）. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A basic assumption of this argument is that 25 infants （删掉从句了） could statistically represent the general reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large enough and infants are randomly chosen in some certain area, could the result of the research be（换成了倒装句） quoted as standards but only in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responses towards stimuli are not able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, the author concludes that “increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy” is nonsense, because infants’ shows signs of mild distress but not shyness. We could not simply equal mild distress to shyness and say this baby is shy. As we all know, shyness could be difficult to be identified from babies for their undeveloped expression methods. Hence, the author lacks the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shyness. [这里两个给我改的同学都跟我有分歧，认为作者说的是婴儿时期有mild distress, 少儿时期有shy，但是大家读读作者的最后一句话，作者犯了偷换概念的错误！]

Even assuming that the research illustrated by the author is scientific and could demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall is more likely to be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because conceiving babies in early autumn compared with in other seasons should have many other differences than the levels of melatonin. Such as(改掉了), different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions of the pregnant mother. If researchers can not convince us, the direct cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and shyness of babies, we could not conclude that the increased hormone hinges on babies’ character.

Even if it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, could we draw a conclusion that this shyness continues into later life? The author cited a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves shy, which is meaningless. Since the author does not provide the percentage of shy children among whole group, he fails to demonstrate the amount of the shy children among this experiment group is higher than the whole group of children.【改】 As we all know, it is common that there is certain number of shy children exist and may the account of shy children in the whole group is more than half, also.【改】 In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness, like, influence of family, education of school, peers’ impact and so forth.

In conclusion, to persuade me that the cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and babies’ and teenagers’ the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research, and during the research they also consider other factors appearing in children’s growth. The researchers must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shyness and provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors.

辛苦小凝了。。。。

——————————————————————————————第三次自改文————————————————

小凝好细心，把她纠正的地方改过来, 多谢小凝。。。


In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his/her statement, he offers a research based on a small number of samples. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A basic assumption of this argument is that 25 infants could statistically represent the general reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large enough and infants are randomly chosen in some certain area, could the result of the research be quoted as standards but only in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responses towards stimuli are not able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, the author concludes that “increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy” is nonsense, because infants show signs of mild distress but not shyness. We could not simply equal mild distress to shyness and say this baby is shy. As we all know, shyness could be difficult to be identified from babies for their undeveloped expression methods. Hence, the author lacks the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shyness.

Even assuming that the research illustrated by the author is scientific and could demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall is more likely to be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because conceiving babies in early autumn compared with in other seasons should have many other differences than the levels of melatonin, such as, different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions of the pregnant mother. If researchers can not convince us, the direct cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and shyness of babies, we could not conclude that the increased hormone hinges on babies’ character.

Even if it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, could we draw a conclusion that this shyness continues into later life? The author cited a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves shy, which is meaningless. Since the author does not provide the percentage of shy children among whole group, he fails to demonstrate the amount of the shy children among this experiment group is higher than the whole group of children. As we all know, it is common that there is certain number of shy children exist and may also the account of shy children in the whole group is more than half. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness, like, influence of family, education of school, peers’ impact and so forth.

In conclusion, to persuade me that the cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and babies’ and teenagers’ shyness the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research, and during the research they also consider other factors appearing in children’s growth. The researchers must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shyness and provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors

谦行天下UID: 2797557

改小凝（嘿嘿，也跟着这么叫你:) ）

In the argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth result in infants’ mild distress, and even shyness that appears in their later life. To justify his conclusion, the author cites（学习一下这个词） a research study of a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild stress. However, a close scrutiny of this argument reveals that it suffers from several critical fallacies, as discussed below.

First of all, the statistical data is rather small and incomplete. In the study, the researchers only collected 25 infants as samples and tried to convince us the relationship of melatonin and mild distress. Choosing samples in the experiments plays a key role when we do research. Basically, to make the conclusion more convincing, the sample size should be large enough to avoid small probability event. It’s said that researchers will[must] test a new drug on thousands of patients before launching the drug, to see whether it will have a side-effect on patients, or whether it does help to relieve symptoms.[这个例子很好] In other fields, such as economic forecast which is the hot spot in our society, data mining in computer science, thousands of even ten thousands of samples are needed to build model, so that the result can be closer[可以考虑不要比较级，或是换个词，因为没有比较的对象呢，与谁比较？] to reality. Thus, the only 25 infants mentioned in the argument are far from enough. Moreover, whether the infants are from different area or just from the same city? Whether they are the off-springs of just 4 or 5 family[注意单复数]? What about the male female ratio? Nothing more can we peek from the argument, while such information is likely to cause a bias in the result.

Secondly, instead of confirming the relationship between mild distress and the increasing melatonin, the author only instates the two phenomena to us. One, is the fact that the group composes of the infants that feel distress when dealing with unfamiliar stimuli; the other, is their finding that these infants’ mothers produce more melatonin than others when they are pregnant. But does the abnormal amount of melatonin that contributes to mild distress? How can they affect the infants’ character? Are there any factors, such as the living environments, the foods they take, etc., that lead to this symptom? These underlying questions should be examined before we draw a conclusion. However, the argument doesn’t show further researches that can give us a more confirmed answer.

Moreover, there is little evidence to show that increased level of melatonin brings about children’s shyness.[个人觉得，你这点也说的是没有因果关系，与上段重复呢；为何不论证mild distress 不等于shyness,然后加上改句之后说shyness很普遍的内容呢？] After so many years, whether the melatonin before birth will still exist in our body is open to question, let alone to mention that they will lead to shyness in life. Apart from that, even though the shyness is the common character among more than half of the tested children. But don’t forget that the total number of the group is just 25, thus the same small sample size problem should be consider before making a conclusion.[该点重复第一个论点]

In sum, the author fails to validate the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and shyness continues into later life. To make it logically acceptable, the author should collect a large amount of samples from different areas. Furthermore, it’s better to do more related researches into the relation among melatonin, shyness and distress.

紫色表示我要向你学习的地方，红色表示我的修改意见。仅供参考

——————————————————分割线————————————————————
改polo二改：
Outline :
1 The survey just includes 25 infants and they are not representative in general.
2 The relation between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress is not clear.
3 The relation between signs of mild stress and shyness is not clear.
4 The arguer fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants.

In the argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth lead to shyness during infancy and the shyness continues into later life. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence from a study of a group of infants who show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and a follow-up study carried 13 years later as well. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.

Firstly, the study just includes 25 infants and the number is too limited to be representative in general. The quantity of samples is so small that they just can reflect a little part of the possible factors which could contribute to the result. /On the other hand, The study should take consideration of other factors such as the place where the infants are born and the age of infants' parents. In order to achieve it, the amount of samples [is]needs to be adequate to an extent and the infants [are]should be chosen randomly.Only in this way can the result be convictive[我没有查到这个单词，不知道你是不是想用convincing].

Secondly, the arguer fails to[用得好！] establish a causal relationship between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress in the infants. There is no evidence to make clear that the situation that infants show signs of mild stress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli result from increased levels of melatonin directly or indirectly. Besides, the human body contains numerous hormones and changes in levels of other hormones may [have]contribute to the effect.

Even if it is the changes of melatonin that result in the consequence, another problem with this argument is the unfounded causal relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness[作者有说mild stress cause shyness吗？作者最后一句直接说infant is shy，直接把mild stress 和shyness划等号了吧？]. The same point is that the 25 infants show signs of mild stress, but they may grow up in different environment and get different education, which may also cause the shyness. Even if all the external factors are same, their parents are different and transfer different genes to them. The formation of shyness could have much to do with the genes.
//此段需要斟酌

Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors, including the external and the internal, that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants. Some other evidences are required to demonstrate that the possible factors, such as grow-up circumstance, the education and the genes, which have been referred to above, cannot lead to the same result.
//此段与上段的后部分重复呢，建议两段合并，并考虑我在上段指出的不足吧！

To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the factors mentioned above. Only by this can the argument be more convictive[这个词，你再查查，我是没查着呢].

建议仅为参考，如有问题，请与我联系！

凝羽欲翔UID: 2733350

啰啰嗦嗦一大堆，怎么把字数cut down呢？感觉这么多写不完啊。。。热烈欢迎大家狠拍~


In the argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth result in infants’ mild distress, and even shyness that appears in their later life. To justify his conclusion, the author cites a research study of a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild stress. However, a close scrutiny of this argument reveals that it suffers from several critical fallacies, as discussed below.

First of all, the statistical data is rather small and incomplete. In the study, the researchers only collected 25 infants as samples and tried to convince us the relationship of melatonin and mild distress. Choosing samples in the experiments plays a key role when we do research. Basically, to make the conclusion more convincing, the sample size should be large enough to avoid small probability event. It’s said that researchers will test new drug on thousands of patients before launching the drug, to see whether it will have a side-effect on patients, or whether it does help to relieve symptoms. In other fields, such as economic forecast which is the hot spot in our society, data mining in computer science, thousands of even ten thousands of samples are needed to build model, so that the result can be closer to reality. Thus, the only 25 infants mentioned in the argument are far from enough. Moreover, whether the infants are from different area or just from the same city? Whether they are the off-springs of just 4 or 5 family? What about the male female ratio? Nothing more can we peek from the argument, while such information is likely to cause a bias in the result.

Secondly, instead of confirming the relationship between mild distress and the increasing melatonin, the author only instates the two phenomena to us. One, is the fact that the group composes of the infants that feel distress when dealing with unfamiliar stimuli; the other, is their finding that these infants’ mothers produce more melatonin than others when they are pregnant. But does the abnormal amount of melatonin that contributeｓ to mild distress? How can they affect the infants’ character? Are there any factors, such as the living environments, the foods they take, etc., that lead to this symptom? These underlying questions should be examined before we draw a conclusion. However, the argument doesn’t show further researches that can give us a more confirmed answer.

Moreover, there is little evidence to show that increased level of melatonin brings about children’s shyness. After so many years, whether the melatonin before birth will still exist in our body is open to question, let alone to mention that they will lead to shyness in life. Apart from that, even though the shyness is the common character among more than half of the tested children. But don’t forget that the total number of the group is just 25, thus the same small sample size problem should be consider before making a conclusion.

In sum, the author fails to validate the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and shyness continues into later life. To make it logically acceptable, the author should collect a large amount of samples from different areas. Furthermore, it’s better to do more related researches into the relation among melatonin, shyness and distress.

==================================我是分割线==================================

谢谢小谦~~
一改

In the argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth result in infants’ mild distress, and even shyness that appears in their later life. To justify his conclusion, the author cites a research study of a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild stress. However, a close scrutiny of this argument reveals that it suffers from several critical fallacies, as discussed below.

First of all, the statistical data is rather small and incomplete. In the study, the researchers only collected 25 infants as samples and tried to convince us the relationship of melatonin and mild distress. Choosing samples in the experiments plays a key role when we do research. Basically, to make the conclusion more convincing, the sample size should be large enough to avoid small probability event. It’s said that researchers must test a new drug on thousands of patients before launching the drug, to see whether it will have a side-effect on patients, or whether it does help to relieve symptoms. In other fields, such as economic forecast which is the hot spot in our society, data mining in computer science, thousands of even ten thousands of samples are needed to build model, so that the result can be close to reality. Thus, the only 25 infants mentioned in the argument are far from enough. Moreover, whether the infants are from different areas or just from the same city? Whether they are the off-springs of just 4 or 5 family? What about the male female ratio? Nothing more can we peek from the argument, while such information is likely to cause a bias in the result.

Secondly, instead of confirming the relationship between mild distress and the increasing melatonin, the author only instates the two phenomena to us. One, is the fact that the group composes of the infants that feel distress when dealing with unfamiliar stimuli; the other, is their finding that these infants’ mothers produce more melatonin than others when they are pregnant. But does the abnormal amount of melatonin that contributes to mild distress? How can they affect the infants’ character? Are there any factors, such as the living environments, the foods they take, etc., that lead to this symptom? These underlying questions should be examined before we draw a conclusion. However, the argument doesn’t show further researches that can give us a more confirmed answer.

Moreover, there is little evidence to show what the relationship exists between mild distress and shyness, nor does the relationship between the increased level of melatonin and children's shyness. Are they the cause and effect, or two factors that cause another symptom in parallel, or just unrelated but tighted together by incident? The simple following research didn't go deeper into it. Besides, the small sample size remains as a unsolved problem that will affect the result as mentioned above. So, the logical deduction of confirming the relationship between increased level of melatonin and shyness by arguing that melatonin cause mild distress, thus mild distress cause shyness, is not rigorous.

In sum, the author fails to validate the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and shyness continues into later life. To make it logically acceptable, the author should collect a large amount of samples from different areas. Furthermore, it’s better to do more related researches into the relation among melatonin, shyness and distress.

==================================我是分割线==================================

Ity~其实你的文章一点都不吐血哇~给点信心自己~我的作文高中时候就是老师狠批对象了，我想我--still a long way to go~
二改
In the argument, the author concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth result in infants’ mild distress, and even shyness that continues in their later life. To justify his conclusion, the author cites a research (去了study) of a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild stress. However, a close scrutiny of this argument reveals that it suffers from several critical fallacies, as discussed below.

First of all, the statistical data is rather small and incomplete. In the study, the researchers only collected 25 infants as samples and tried to convince us the relationship between melatonin and mild distress. Choosing samples in the experiments plays a key role when we do research. Basically, to make the conclusion more convincing, the sample size should be large enough to avoid small probability event. It’s said that researchers must test a new drug on thousands of patients before launching the drug, to see whether it will have a side-effect on patients, or whether it does help to relieve symptoms. In other fields, such as economic forecast which is the hot spot in our society, data mining in computer science, hundreds of even thousands of(Ity讲得很对~) samples are needed to build model, so that the result can be close to reality. Thus, the only 25 infants mentioned in the argument are far from enough. Moreover, whether the infants are from different areas or just from the same city? Whether they are the off-springs of just 4 or 5 families? What about the male female ratio? Nothing more can we peek from the argument, while such information is likely to cause a bias in the result.

Secondly, instead of confirming the relationship between mild distress and the increasing melatonin, the author only states（改过来了） the two phenomena to us. One, is the fact that the group composes of the infants that feel distress when dealing with unfamiliar stimuli; the other, is their finding that these infants’ mothers produce more melatonin than others when they are pregnant. But does the abnormal amount of melatonin that contributes to mild distress? How can they affect the infants’ character? Are there any factors, such as the living environments, the foods they take, etc., that lead to this symptom? These underlying questions should be examined before we draw a conclusion. However, the argument doesn’t show further researches that can give us a more confirmed answers（Ity说得对）.
Moreover, there is little evidence to show what（我想表达的是存在的是“什么”关系，不是“哪里”的关系撒） the relationship exists between mild distress and shyness, nor does the relationship between the increased level of melatonin and children's shyness. Are they the cause and effect, or two factors that cause another symptom in parallel, or just unrelated but tighted together by incident? The simple following research didn't go deeper into it. Besides, the small sample size remains as a unsolved problem that will affect the result as mentioned above. So, the logical deduction of confirming the relationship between increased level of melatonin and shyness by arguing that melatonin cause mild distress, thus mild distress cause shyness, is not rigorous.

In sum, the author fails to validate the conclusion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and shyness continues into later life. To make it logically acceptable, the author should collect a large amount of samples from different areas. Furthermore, it’s better to do more related researches into the relation among melatonin, shyness and distress

凝羽欲翔UID: 2733350

一改 人间烟火

TOPIC: ARGUMENT53 - Thirteen years ago, researchers studied a group of 25 infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli such as an unusual odor or a tape recording of an unknown voice. They discovered that these infants were more likely than other infants to have been conceived in early autumn, a time when their mothers' production of melatonin-a hormone known to affect some brain functions-would naturally increase in response to decreased daylight. In a follow-up study conducted earlier this year, more than half of these children-now teenagers-who had shown signs of distress identified themselves as shy. Clearly, increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life.
WORDS: 444          TIME: 01:35:33          DATE: 2010/5/18 22:43:11

To pursuade the reader that increased levels of melatonin before birth can cause shyness of infants which continues into their lifetime, the author shows the reader seemly reasonable accounts including the study on a group of infants who showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the long term follow-up survey on that group of infants. When we first read this argument, it seems to be credibal. However after we further analysis it, there are some problems as follows.

Firstly, the studies' results are unreliable. In（On） one hand, the number of infants who participate in this experiment is too limited to make the study convinced.It is possible that some of the 25 infants were grown up in a terrible circumstance or their parents have some kind of genetical diseases.Even if all of the infants are raised in the same condition, 25 infants still cannot be representive of all the infants who also showed signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. In the other hand, both of the surveys were made earilier, which is not enough close to explain that the shyness of children was caused by their mothers' increased production of melatonin when they were infants(是想表达两个surveys的间隔太大了吗？为什么还要提出both of the surveys were made earilier 呢？容易让人想到意思是因为太早做surveys，所以结果不可靠).

Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a causal relationship between the increased levels of melatonin found in mothers and the mild distress of the infants when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. The research cited by the author only shows that 25 infants showed（换一个词会好点） signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli, but the connection between that phenomenon and the increased levels of melatonin was deduced by the author himself without any evidence.（感觉这段话讲得简单了一点，要是能扩展一些就好了）

Thirdly, the author fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness.
There exists lots of possibilities（可以这样表述吗？不是很清楚~） which can make children be shy. For instance, the family's condition including education, economic level and etc. will possibily influence the way how children behave.

Finally, the author is too arbitray to assert that shyness will continues into later life. Adolecents are in the progress of growing up, in which period, children begin to form their own personality, so that the shyness can be easily changed and converted into an opposite character.

In summary, the argument is not well supported and lacks effective evidence. To make his/her statement more credible, he/she should place more emphasis on how to connect the survies, and modify his/her argument according to the above four points,or the argument is destined to be a failure.

二改 小谦
In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his/her statement, he offers a research based on a small number of samples which was studied in a group of only 25 infants（不是很明白这句话的结构撒）. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive（这个词我喜欢） as it stands.

A basic assumption of this argument is that 25 infants which only represent a small amount of infants（这个从句，我觉得放在这里有点多余） could statistically represent the general reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large enough and infants are randomly chosen in some certain area, the result of the research could be（用个倒装句，怎样？） quoted as standards but only in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responses towards stimuli are not able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, infants’ signs of mild distress do not equal to shyness. As we all know, shyness could be difficult to be identified from babies for their undeveloped expression methods（题目里没说是在infants的时候检测他们是不是shyness哦，researach是在他们在teenager的时候进行的）. Hence, the author lacks the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shyness.

Even assuming that the research illustrated by the author is scientific and could demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall is more likely to be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce（好词） that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because conceiving babies in early autumn compared with in other seasons should have many other differences than the levels of melatonin. For example(如果后面只是举了一些名词，我觉得这里改为such as、承接上一个句子比较好), different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions of the pregnant mother. If researchers can not convince us, the direct cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and shyness of babies, we could not conclude that the increased hormone hinges on babies’ character.

Even if it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, could we draw a conclusion that this shyness continues into later life? The author cited a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves shy, which is meaningless. Because he fails to demonstrate the amount of the shy children among this special group is higher than the whole group of children（这句话是什么意思？论题中好像提到了more than half了哦）. As we all know, it is common that there is certain number of shy children exist. In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness, like, influence of family, education of school, peers’ impact and so forth.

In conclusion, to persuade me that the cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and babies’ and teenagers’ the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research（好词）, and during the research they also consider other factors appeared（觉得应该改为ing） in a children’s（children是复数，用a是表示？a可以删去） grow. The researchers must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shyness and provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors.

三改 小谦（小谦好认真的说，我要好好学习~）

In this argument, based on an unreasonable deduction the author concludes that the shyness of infants is caused by increased levels of melatonin and this shyness continues into later life. To support his/her statement, he offers a research based on a small number of samples. This argument rests on a series of unsubstantiated assumptions, and is therefore unpersuasive as it stands.

A basic assumption of this argument is that 25 infants could statistically represent the general reaction of all the infants. Unless the amount of infants is large enough and infants are randomly chosen in some certain area, could the result of the research be quoted as standards but only in this area. Therefore, these 25 infants’ responses towards stimuli are not able to demonstrate the author’s conclusion that sensitive infants are more likely to be conceived in early autumn. In addition, the author concludes that “increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy” is nonsense, because infants’ shows signs(show是名词，还是动词？感觉这个地方应该是动词吧？) of mild distress but not shyness. We could not simply equal mild distress to shyness and say this baby is shy. As we all know, shyness could be difficult to be identified from babies for（感觉for是表示为了，或表目的，改为by如何？） their undeveloped expression methods. Hence, the author lacks the evidence to support that the mild distress expression means shyness. [这里两个给我改的同学都跟我有分歧，认为作者说的是婴儿时期有mild distress, 少儿时期有shy，但是大家读读作者的最后一句话，作者犯了偷换概念的错误！]

Even assuming that the research illustrated by the author is scientific and could demonstrate that infants who are conceived in early fall is more likely to be shy compared with other infants. We could not simply deduce that it is the increased melatonin that causes this effect because conceiving babies in early autumn compared with in other seasons should have many other differences than the levels of melatonin. Such（, such 感觉这样会比较好~） as, different temperature, short day, long night, and even different emotions of the pregnant mother. If researchers can not convince us, the direct cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and shyness of babies, we could not conclude that the increased hormone hinges on babies’ character.

Even if it is the increased hormone that causes infants shy, could we draw a conclusion that this shyness continues into later life? The author cited a follow-up studies that more than half of these children—now teenagers—who had shown signs of distress identified themselves shy, which is meaningless. Since the author does not provide the percentage of shy children among whole group, he fails to demonstrate the amount of the shy children among this experiment group is higher than the whole group of children. As we all know, it is common that there is certain number of shy children exist and may the account of shy children in the whole group is more than half, also(放句尾的应该为too，also可以放在句尾吗？). In addition, the researchers had not taken account of the other factors that could influence children’s behavior of shyness, like, influence of family, education of school, peers’ impact and so forth.

In conclusion, to persuade me that the cause and effect relationship between levels of melatonin and babies’ and teenagers’ the author must supply clear evidence that they use large amount of infants to conduct research, and during the research they also consider other factors appearing in children’s growth. The researchers must also make a persuasive definition of what kind of expression of infants is shyness and provide evidence that it is the hormone affecting children’s shyness not other factors.

polosongruiUID: 2595436

Outline :
1 The survey just includes 25 infants and they are not representative in general.
2 The relation between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress is not clear.
3 The relation between signs of mild stress and shyness is not clear.
4 The arguer fails to rule out other factors that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants.

In the argument, the arguer concludes that increased levels of melatonin before birth lead to shyness during infancy and the shyness continues into later life. To justify this claim, the arguer provides the evidence from a study of a group of infants who show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli and the follow-up study. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is,
Firstly, the study just includes 25 infants and the number is too limited to be representative in general. They only cover a little part of the possible factors which may contribute to the result.
Secondly, the arguer fails to establish a casual relationship between increased levels of melatonin and signs of mild stress in the infants. There is no evidence to make clear that the situation that infants show signs of mild stress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli result from increased levels of melatonin directly or indirectly. Besides ,the human body contains numerous hormones and changes in levels of other hormones may have the effect.
Even if it is the changes of melatonin that result in the consequence, another problem with this argument is the unfounded casual relationship between signs of mild stress and shyness. The same point is that the 25 infants show signs of mild stress, but they may grow up in different environment and get different education, which may also cause the shyness. Even if all the external factors are same, their parents are different and transfer different genes to them. The formation of shyness could have much to do with the genes.
Finally, the arguer fails to rule out other factors, including the external and the internal, that might have caused shyness in the surveyed infants. For instance, the grow-up circumstance, the education and the genes, which have been referred to above, are also the possible factors.
To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the factors mentioned above. Only by this can the argument be more convictive.

polosongruiUID: 2595436

组长让来占楼！