Stefana开贴改Issue

StefanaUID: 2143510

我发现我对Issue的感情不是一般的深啊，好久没写作文没改作文竟然觉得手痒了。
刚发现最近没有在运营的修改铺，然后就忍不住开个贴吧。
反正1010G的孩子们也差不多开始写作文了吧。
我对A仍然没感情，所以还是只看Issue。

非高手，纯粹乐于助人+自娱自乐。
事情多，所以不工作太多。

规则：
双数日的晚上10点以后的第一个留文章的ID。
比如今天，6月2日，22：00的以后的第一个留文章的ID。
占位的我不算。
留连接，或者Word以附件形式都可以。
原则上连续两次不改同一个ID，除非没人了我就改同一个人的。

注意：
自己务必请先修改一遍基本语法错误。

暂定试运营20天。

以上。

StefanaUID: 2143510

沙发留着汇总用。

江雪UID: 2790520

没有提升的权限

手动up一下~

笑看红尘UID: 2280977

支持

firhadayUID: 2287086

小乔，支持啊

银落UID: 2632560

spt~

kingwyf87UID: 2457409

版主我是[1010G精英组]的 我们小组进度慢于计划 但现在基本就我一人写文了 不知能不能帮我拍一下。。。

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... ;extra=&page=18

I88或者I147都行

lxin333UID: 2650844

issue56~

StefanaUID: 2143510

个人改作文习惯：
橙色：论述建议 红色：表述建议 绿色：语法错误，自己改 蓝色：写得好 紫色：有争议

Issue088
"Technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics."

The issue of weather technologies not only influence but actually determine social customs and ethics is a complex and controversial one. （个人建议把形容词放前面，不然觉得开头句读起来头重脚轻。）Different people hold different opinions due to their respective ways of looking at this issue.（不知道你是为了凑字数还是干吗，我觉得这句话太累赘了。要不就只要Different people hold different opinions 要不就是 different people have their respective ways of looking at this issue就行了嘛，何必一个different的意思在一个句子里说上三次。） In my point of view, however,（however一般强调的是however之后的内容，如果你的中心思想在rather之后，建议你用although） I agree that technologies profoundly influence our daily life. （你agree哪里提到的daily life?）Rather, I hold the opinion that some excellent human features are unchanged. （缺连接词）My will be greatly strengthened by the following discussion.
开头非常非常非常的模式化，不但半点吸引力都没有，而且你的agree来的有点不切题。再者，单从你的句子上看，你的中心思想是some excellent human features are unchanged，那科技到底是不是影响和决定了 social customs and ethics，你还是没说。如果我是Rater，我看完首段我就会先判定你走题。

To begin with, the technologies do change our life in the society since（since表因为一般强调的是已知的原因，我认为这里应该是表推断的原因吧，建议用for，改for的话后半句时态记得改） its development makes us know better about the world we live in. Throughout history, mankind has always been keen on exploring and learning more（表示持续的状态建议换more and more） natural phenomena. Some can interpret（被解释，用被动态）（interpret作为“解释”一般为解释一句话的时候用，解释现象是explain phenomenon） well by the technologies at that time, while some may not. For example, in ancient China, there is a story named “Heavenly Dog Swallowing the Moon”（heavenly一般是“如天堂的，天国似的”吧，我觉得这里是celestial dog吧，不确定，如此的Chinese-English俚语我也不知道...）, which is used to describe and further explain the natural phenomena of eclipse. The ancient Chinese don not know the true reason of the eclipse and（and之前的东西太多建议这里加个主语） believe that it is the heavenly dog that swallow the moon and bring them into the deep dark. That’s why ancient China kept a custom—light off firecrackers, and strikes a gong or bell（过去式）—to scare the “heavenly dog” off. Whereas, the custom dies（过去式） as more and more people learn the truth of the eclipse through the modern science and technologies.
这一段你的TS说跳跃太大了。你说的是科技让人们更加了解自己生活的这个世界，所以改变了人们的生活。你这逻辑跳跃太大了，TS很让人费解。而且你的例子我也觉得举得我觉得不太恰当。天狗食月这个现象的解释其实没有直接影响和改变people's life，你费尽心机的把天狗食月和习俗改变联系起来，却忽视了科技改变人类这个主题啊。建议重新考虑你首段肯定的那个莫名其妙的agree里说的，科技改变生活，这个topic，不加daily life还是可以的，需要找一个直接的切入点。

However, some social customs are still preserved from generation to generation, whatever countries or nations. For example, the Spring Festival, which is used to be viewed as a convention for the ancient Chinese to eradicating the assumed monster “Xi”, is passing down（建议完成时） from the ancient times to now. Although, with the development of the technologies we know that there is no monster at all, we Chinese still keep the custom as the most important traditional holiday in which we get together with families, eat dumplings, shoot off（我印象中放烟火是let off，我没查，这个你查过么） firecrackers, draw festival pictures, and stick couplets. Similarly, the Thanksgiving Day, which is used to thank the Indians for their providing necessaries of life and teaching the knowledge of farming to people when they came to the America at the very beginning, is now becoming a popular convention in the US. Although we may change the initial aims of the traditions or customs because （缺介词）the developing technologies, we still keep them as a way for people to express their feeling such as gratitude, happy and best wishes.
你这一段说的是，有的传统保留到了现在。然后一直在说没变的传统，说了两个。才提到，尽管科技改变了我们最初的目的，但没改变传统。TS里应该说明清楚。BTW，Thanksgiving跟科技有什么关系么？找例子的时候要切题，切题！

In addition, although some ethics worshiped by the human may be challenged by the latest science and technology, we still retain the excellent human features unchanged. （要不we still retain the excellent human features ,要不some excellent human features are unchanged，句意重复）For example, the American scientific declare that they have successfully created the first artificial life in the world recently, which put the issue that artificial life is a blessing or a curse into a hot debate. This scientific research has greatly astonished the world and even let Obama has to order a hearing（hold a hearing吧....） to assess the ethical risks. Indeed, some human ethics are suffering challenges, but some basic principles are not changed. We are not allowed mankind to create human beings. （你之前还在put into a debate，你这个结论又怎么来的呢？你逻辑跳跃太大了） The government take the necessary measures and prepared to severely restrict or forbid the fringe research such as the create embryos. What’s more, we always advocate inheriting some human features regardless of the technologies, such as honesty, hardworking, fairness, self-discipline, personal responsibility, and love of a country, and belief in the principles of liberty, equality, and the freedom to practice one’s faith.
What's more后面的这个点没有半点道理，谁说科技发展了就不honesty，不hardworking了？还有，你这个点跟之前的人造生命似乎关系也不大，你逻辑跳跃太大了。这一段的评语是：段意不明，逻辑混乱。整个文章这一段应该是你反对的重点，但是你一点都没有说清楚。而且这个题目的关键词没没有抓到，这个题目的关键词除掉customs and ethics，还有influence和determine，你可能提到了一点点influence，还是非常牵强的提到的，但完全忽视了determine，我不知道你这样会不会被Rater判走题，建议你连提纲一起重新把Issue88来写过，这是科技类很经典很高频的题。

To sum up, basing my conclusion on the illustrations and exposition mentioned above, accordingly, I hold that the developing technology does play an important role in our life, and it may change some of our customs and our ethics may suffer challenges. However, technologies cannot determine our social customs and ethics. We still keep our featured traditional conventions with fresh connotation and characteristics. And some beliefs and principles are still unchanged, which have little connection with the technologies.
保持习惯，末端不改。

kingwyf87 发表于 2010-6-2 22:00

最后送上一句话，希望再接再厉：
Ideal is the beacon. Without ideal , there is no secure direction ; without direction , there is no life .
                                                                                                                           ——Leo Tolstoy, Russian writer


以上。

Stefana
2010.6.4

梦想在路上UID: 2812986

辛苦楼主狠狠拍，非常感谢！

睡到自然醒UID: 2814923

先收藏，大赞小乔热心

sunersunUID: 2734987

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... xtra=page%3D1%26amp;filter%3Dtype%26amp;typeid%3D101
第一篇Issue，担心有点像argument，求楼主猛拍，谢谢

lxin333UID: 2650844

清心寡欲的学术女版主 把这个算上吧~刚才登不了网。。。

issue56

An_fieldUID: 2486341

支持啊

紫陌纤尘o0UID: 2745492

才看见~顶啊顶啊~等我考完了也搞个铺子~~~