本帖最后由 selinashen 于 2010-7-2 13:18 编辑
因为7月30考作文，逛GTER 的时间多了起来，但是，每每看到的文章都感觉
1，重形式不重内容，大家拼命的写长句，难句但是没有想过，你写的东西是否看的人能够看懂
2，例子过于多和散，我的一位老师在点评我平生第一篇issue的时候给我的忠告就是 coherence，
3，一直都没有拿一些东西出来和大家分享，个人本来不太擅长网络拍砖，丢砖，砸砖，or whatever 砖
4， 因为和版主的版主有过小小的交流之后感动挺多，觉得要多多和大家交流；
5，开始是我写的，本来就不太好，但是，我老师给的点评更好，希望对大家有用。。。
加油了，各位
寻找到自己的风格和独特的东西，才能眼前一亮
附上： 哪位同学想和我互改作文的，求之不得，水平相当的最好 希望对大家有用，喜欢的同学给我个赏钱，顶顶哈
Issue; competitionis more beneficial than detrimental to society.
Essay:
Within the history of human civilization,competition has always been the common principle and the driving force behindever growing society. It came naturally when our ancestors settled in the NewContinent, fighting with local inhabitants for better food, water and livingenvironment. Contemporarily, in this more civilized society, competition hasbeen labeled as the foundation in a sound market, so much as the magnum opus “TheWealth of Nation” calls for a perfect competition in order to meet human’sdeeper desire in wealth, prestige and power. Progress, as the ultimate goalwhich drives competitors to move forward, has a strong connection with the “chivalryspirit”: I will strive, seek, fight, but I will never yield. Competition, asthe expression of human thought, is the manifest of what we desire and want,and people who wield the bellicose power may cause divergent consequence to thesociety, both in good and bad ways. But in an overall level, people always finda way to “select the essence and discard the dross”.
Competition in business where people receivepressures of being defeated from their rivals will result in better provisionof products and services. The history of movie is a history of business competition.When Thomas Edison saw the commercial benefit in ”kinetoscope”, a rudiment formotion pictures, he built the first motion picture studio and made “kinetoscope”patented even the device was only allowed for films to be viewed individually. Envisioningthe great potential in making greater fortune, the Lumiere brother made thenext advance in making the film to be viewed by larger audience in a dark room.Fortunately more film tickets were sold in one show, which made the revenue skyrocketed.A century later, with the incentive to become blockbuster, present movies can notonly present various stories with beautiful scenery and thrilling plot, butalso integrate computer based animation effects to make the film more imaginativeand vivid. Grammy Award in the film industry is the very arena of contestingthe hottest movie of the year. An awarded movie means a large audience and abig chunk of money.
Every movie in theGrammy list will receive both fortune and fame, which encourage movie makers tobe better in artistry, techniques and innovation.
Although it is a cliché to state thatcompetition is a two way street, it couldn’t be further from the truth. Iftechnology and GDP advance at the expense of moral decline, competition couldbe detrimental to the society. Take eating for example; people need to maintainlife and energy through eating food. But when people take food for granted andcrave for food to ease their stress, tension and satisfy human’s desire for conquestwhile loose abstemious character. Eating may impair your body and put your lifeat risk. The same logic applies to competition. Extreme competition can lead tothe compromising of ethical standards in order to gain power or to be the top.Monopoly in business is the very idea that an enterprise has sufficient controlover a particular product or service to determine the terms so as to abuse thepower by controlling over the price, which will undermine consumers’ interestin the end. It is utopian to find “perfect competition” in a real world, but westill can rein it. Antitrust Commission may find it hard to “walk the talk”,but progress has been made in the business market. Recently, Intel has beendisclosed again for its bribery to PC makers. We know that justice will prevailbut it takes efforts and time.
Competition is inevitable in the evolvementof a society. And most people don’t want to be rich in the hand, poor in themind.
1. This isa cultural difference -- using quotations and sayings or proverbs:
As I understand the culturaldifferences, Chinese writers often intersperse their writing with quotations,sayings, proverbs, or aphorisms. In English (and probably in the West ingeneral), this practice is less common. So, when writing in English, itprobably is a good idea not to use a "saying" too often. Forexample, in paragraph 1, you have: "select the essence and discardthe dross." This saying works well in this context, and this isfine, but if you add a lot of these aphorisms, a Western reader might think youare relying too heavily on a crutch or a cliché.
You are right, it is a good idea to back up your generalizations withspecific examples, which might include a quotation from a poem or from astandard, well-known text.
But, if you use quotations, myhumble advice is to do so sparingly and to make sure you identify the reference :-)
For example, in your first paragraph, you mention The Wealth of Nations;I assume you mean the treatise by Adam Smith? Also, you write "Iwill strive, seek, fight, but I will never yield." Perhaps you arereferring to Tennyson's poem Ulysses? If so, you shouldidentify the source and then be careful to quote it correctly. Tennysonuses the word "find" not "fight"; notice that this wordchoice makes the heroic ideal less "bellicose"; this distinctionmight provide a stronger point in your argument about competition.
By the way,if you don't have access to the source to check it out, you can indicate thatyou are paraphrasing.
2. EssayStructure:
You have a good sense of what an effective structuremight be in developing an argument. In this kind of a set topic, the GREpeople probably want you to show sophisticated analytical thinking. So,as you manage nicely in your essay, you begin with a generalization thatsuggests that often there are at least two sides to an issue. You thenproceed to give one side of the argument, and then the other side to the issue,with any counter-arguments that might apply. You can then move to aconclusion, in which, perhaps, you take a personal stand and bring to aconclusion, with your own authentic voice, and develop the main point you wantto make.
Yes, indeed, as you write in your essay, you wantspecific examples. But for the positive and the negative (or the varioussides to an issue or debate), it is important to make certain your examples areparallel.
Take your example of the movies. You show howcompetition in the film industry has been a useful and productive force,leading to the development of new technologies and to more imaginative andvivid movies. That's fine. But then you drop the movies example andyou do not show how in parallel there might be negative aspects tocompetition in the movie business. Instead, in your next paragraph, youmove on to another example (eating). Your arguments in general about thetwo-sided nature of competition would be more effective if you could continue withyour film industry example. You could argue for example that competitionhas led to an over-emphasis on box-office receipts, and that as a result theindependent filmmaker has fewer opportunities to succeed. Too muchcompetition within the movie business might edge out the less powerfulindependent filmmaker.
Your second example is good. Eating. You showhow on the one hand people have to eat and eating is necessary for life andenergy. And then you continue by showing the negative aspects of eatingtoo much, of developing cravings. So this is all very good.
Now, my general advice is to keep on practicing. Please send me another example, if you'd like. Don't bediscouraged. It is all quite fine.
|
GO
发表于 2010-7-2 12:54:19
发表于 2010-7-2 12:59:54
发表于 2010-7-3 02:36:26
转发
