argument169

alickenUID: 2845947

1010G欢迎拍文作文互改小组 7月12日作业

TOPIC: ARGUMENT169 - The following appeared in a letter from a department chairperson to the president of Pierce University.

"Some studies conducted by Bronston College, which is also located in a small town, reveal that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. Therefore, in the interest of attracting the most gifted teachers and researchers to our faculty and improving the morale of our entire staff, we at Pierce University should offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member we hire. Although we cannot expect all offers to be accepted or to be viewed as an ideal job offer, the money invested in this effort will clearly be well spent because, if their spouses have a chance of employment, new professors will be more likely to accept our offers."
WORDS: 433
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010-7-12 13:29:05

In this letter, the writer suggests to offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member at Pierce University. The suggestion is based on some studies conducted by Bronston College, and the studies indicate that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. It seems reasonable, but the studies and the suggestion actually have no directly link.

First of all, I doubt the authority of these studies. The writer only lists the results of these studies, the procedure, more important the methods that these studies used do not mention. Maybe the wrong study methods lead to the wrong results. Also, in this letter, there is no any numbers to describe how many professors they visited and how many universities or colleges they take counted. If the total number of the colleges is very small or only few professors responded, the authority of these studies is largely decreased. If these studies are lack of convinces, therefore the suggestion of the writer is untenable. If and only if the writer can give us detailed demonstrate of the studies, we can consider accepting his suggestion.

Secondly, I consider the writer distort the true meaning of the study results. The results said that "in the same geographic area", which not mean that the spouse must work in the same work units, like the same university. I think the results mean if the spouse work and live in a large place, say, to live in a same city, they will feel happier. And also not both the spouse are professors. If Pierce in order to attract more gifted teachers to adopt this support, it will hire more non-professor workers, and these workers apparently not suitable to work in Pierce University.

Last, but not the least, even if the suggestion can attracting some new gifted teachers and researches, it could not keep the old gifted faculties stay in the university. If only consider offering jobs to new stuff instead of for all the stuff, the old stuff will complain and even consider to leave. So after adopting the suggestion, Pierce University will face this dilemma: if many jobs are not accepted, the university not only wastes money to offer these jobs, the leaders of the university perhaps receive the blames from professors too. Contrary, if the Pierce University cannot invest enough money in order to let all its staff's spouses get a job, the professors will also complain about it. So as you can see, in any case this suggestion will not receive praise.

Ocean~SprayUID: 2847693

In this letter, the writer suggests to offer employment to the spouse of each new faculty member at Pierce University. The suggestion is based on some studies conducted by Bronston College, and the studies indicate that both male and female professors are happier living in small towns when their spouses are also employed in the same geographic area. It seems reasonable, but the studies and the suggestion actually have no directly link.

First of all, I doubt the authority of these studies（这句话没有错，但是换成被动，用suspicious等，语气更为客观）. The writer only lists the results of these studies, the procedure, more important the methods that these studies used do not mention. （The writer only lists the results of these studies, yet he fails to mention xxx）Maybe the wrong study methods lead to the wrong results. Also, in this letter, there is no any(not any 或直接no) numbers to describe how many professors they visited and how many universities or colleges they take counted. If the total number of the colleges is very small or only few professors responded, the authority of these studies is largely decreased. If these studies are lack of
(同issue中所说)convinces, therefore the suggestion of the writer is untenable. If and only if the writer can give us detailed demonstrate （demonstration）of the studies, we can （only if后面要倒装）consider accepting his suggestion.

Secondly, I consider the writer distort the true meaning of the study results. The results said that "in the same geographic area", which not mean that the spouse must work in the same work units, like the same university. I think the results mean if the spouse work and live in a large place, say, to live in a same city, they will feel happier. And also not both the spouse are professors. If Pierce in order to attract more gifted teachers to adopt this support, it will hire more non-professor workers, and these workers （are）apparently not suitable to work in Pierce University.

Last, but not the least, even if the suggestion can attracting （attract）some new gifted teachers and researches, it could not keep the old gifted faculties stay in the university. If only consider offering jobs to new stuff instead of for all the stuff, the old stuff will complain and even consider to leave. So after adopting the suggestion, Pierce University will face this dilemma: if many jobs are not accepted, the university not only wastes money to offer these jobs, the leaders of the university perhaps receive the blames from professors too. Contrary, if the Pierce University cannot invest enough money in order to let （过于口语，可用provide with）all its staff's spouses get a job, the professors will also complain about it. So as you can see, in any case this suggestion will not receive praise.


思路打开得不错，但是最后最好加个总结段，简短地概括下自己的观点。最后一小节直接将反例当作攻击显得稍为主观，因为文中并没有写这一点。可以先概括写下可能的问题，然后再就此展开。
共同进步～～

alickenUID: 2845947

谢谢评价
我觉得我打字速度是个问题，一般计时的话argu就差不多只能写300多字，这次想努力多写点，结果就没时间结尾了。
最后一段确实写偏了，本来是想攻击文中那个 Although... 的。