第二篇。。。argument53。。。求救啊。。。第一篇就没人理我

草木也知愁UID: 2487572

让自己的作文被改主要有以下几种途径：

1、参与/组建互助小组；

2、主动出击，到别人的习作中改别人的文章，然后留下连接请求回拍，绝大部分情况下版友都会很负责的回拍的；

3、版主会开习作修改铺，满足要求之后版主就会修改你的习作；

4、同主题写作时会规定参与的版友按照一定的回贴顺序进行互改；

5、参加零散版友作文互改
ISSUE https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1118991-1-1.html
ARGUMENT https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1118994-1-1.html

6、坐等别人来拍，由于习作量很大，这种概率很小，所以效率也很低，建议不要采用。

费话先生UID: 2788924

Grounding（on） the data collected in a study of25 infants and a follow-up survey, the author claims that the increase ofmelatonin can lead to the infants' shyness which continues into later life. At first thought, the argument appears to be reasonable and convincing, however,on closer analysis, I find it suffers(suffering)from several flaws and is therefore unpersuasive.

First of all, the author fails to provide evidence to assure the reliability of the study on which the argument depends.There is no evidence indicating that the infants studied constitute a sufficient large sample of overall infants with various kinds of characters and health conditions. It is possible that the infants in the study were more shy and mild to unfamiliar stimuli(stimulant) than others. Without more evidence or detailed information, the results of the study turn out to be meaningless.

In the second place, the author simply equates the mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli(stimulant) to(with) shyness. The author overlooks the possibility that the mild reaction can be just insensitiveness and has nothing to with shyness. This may also undermines theresult of the study.

Even assuming the sample of infants is representative and the mild distress is just equal to(without) shyness, the author fails to establish the correlation between the shyness and the increase of melatonin.Some other alternatives and factors may be ignored by the author. It is likelythat the infants feel comfortable in the odor and the tape recording and thereforeshows no intense reaction. And the results can also be explained by the possibility that some other materials secreted by mothers both cause theincrease of the melatonin and the shyness of infants. Without ruling out thesealternatives and possibilities, the author simply cannot draw the conclusionthat the increase of melatonin is responsible for the shyness of infants.

Finally, to support the conclusion that theshyness continues into later life, the author relies on the assumption that theteenagers in the study define the shyness in a similar way. However, it isoften not the case, because different people might have different criterions onthe evaluation of shyness. Thus with the mere information and data, it isunreasonable for the author to conclude that the shyness would continue intolater life.

In sum, the argument is ill conceived andpoorly supported. To persuade me that the increase can contribute to theshyness of infants, the author must provide more detailed information of thestudy to substantiate the reliability of the study and the correlation betweenthe increase of melatonin and the shyness. And to better evaluate the conclusion,more information is necessary to prove that the teenagers have shared the samecriterion in defining and evaluating the shyness
需要改进的地方：
我觉得点都基本有了，不过逻辑不是很清晰耶。论证也没有很充分。
逻辑是：母亲的某种物质少了——影响到婴儿——这种影响会导致紧张——紧张代表他们以后会害羞，而且这种害羞还能持续呢
好，那么第一点得证明母亲少了点儿物质，就会影响到婴儿。
第二点可以讲，这种影响会导致紧张凭啥。他因削弱，（这个点你就可以说你那点:这组婴儿本身就弱啊，焦躁啊什么，压根不能说cause and effect relationship 嘛）
第三点就说，好吧，紧张啥的我也认了，你咋能说人家紧张就害羞呢。他们长大后觉得害羞一有可能因为自我感觉的不准，二有可能后天原因，三有可能别的物质缺乏导致害羞。跟婴儿时期的紧张又何关系？更别说持续啥的了。

逻辑和论证还需加强。改了几个小错误，不过个人感觉有些地方字不精准啊，影响理解。不过呢，第二篇已经很好啦。至少有模有样的。
1# rushour0206