终于下笔写了第一篇ARGUMENT。。有人帮忙改改吗！

tobywangUID: 2323485

ARGUMENT 117,用了32分钟。。看了好多范文，一直没自己写过。。
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."

The arguerdraws the conclusion that office-supply departments of Valu-Mart will becomethe most profitable component of the store if the store increases the inventoryof home office machines such as printers, fax machines, etc. To justify thisstatement the arguer refers to a survey in which the respondents tend to takemore work home with them than they were in the past. And the arguer recommendsthe store to take advantage of this trend to increase the office-supplydepartments’ sale, which is not impressive in the past. I consider severalaspects of the argument are unsubstantiated.
First, thesurvey can’t be treated as a reliable one without providing more evidentialbackground information. The respondents of the survey may not be representativeof the general labour force. The number of people who participates in thesurvey is not shown, as well as their social backgrounds. The phenomenon thathome work load is increasing may only occur in some specific types of job. Moreoverit may be the case that the survey is only taken in several specific companies,all of which suffer an unusual company operation. It may even not represent thatall similar types of workers need more time to work at home.
Second,even if the survey correctly predicts the general labour force trend, thearguer draws a too relaxing cause and effect relationship between that theworkers tend to work more at home and that they tend to purchase more officemachines. There is no evidence mentioned in this argument that there is a lackof office machines at worker’s home. It may be the case that office machineshave been popularized and the sales have been saturated, so that workers aren’twilling to buy any more office machines. Moreover the workers may not tend todo those tasks which need office machines at home. They may tend to leave thosetasks at their companies and deal with other tasks at home. Thus, increasingthe inventory of the office machines may achieve a counterproductive result,which will increase the expense of inventory and reduce the profit.
Third, thearguer fails to provide a clear reason why the sale of Valu-Mart’soffice-supply departments is not impressive. There are many other facts thatcause a bad sale rather than the lack of inventory. For example, the servicequality of the store could be comparatively worse than its competitors socustomers tend to shop in a more welcomed atmosphere. Or in order to gain agreater profit the store sells the machines at a higher price that preventscustomers from being attracted.

Even if thearguer has sufficient evidence to support all the unsubstantiated ideas Isuspect above, there is no clear research showing if there is machines oroffice supplies that are most welcomed while others are not. The arguer, however,recommends increase the inventory of all type of office machines and officesupplies. This may be a very unwise decision, which is possible to lead toexcessive inventory and profit reduction.
Inconclusion, in order to make his statement more convincing, the arguer shouldprovide more background information about the survey to support the idea thatit is a systematic and scientific survey which is practical as a reference. Thearguer should provide more information on the real reason of the reduction insales in office-supply departments. The arguer should also do some research onthe popularity of all the different machines and supplies to decide how theinventory should be arranged.

请多指教！

xingfuhbjUID: 2769976

我汗死....以为见鬼了~我想toywang不是考完了...
缘分啊~我给你大概瞅瞅吧~

xingfuhbjUID: 2769976

童鞋你还是先把格式弄好再发吧~一堆堆都连在一起真是不想看呀~

tobywangUID: 2323485

The arguer draws the conclusion that office-supply departments of Valu-Mart will become the most profitable component of the store if the store increases the inventory of home office machines such as printers, fax machines, etc. To justify this statement the arguer refers to a survey in which the respondents tend to take more work home with them than they were in the past. And the arguer recommends the store to take advantage of this trend to increase the office-supply departments’ sale, which is not impressive in the past. I consider several aspects of the argument are unsubstantiated.
First, the survey can’t be treated as a reliable one without providing more evidential background information. The respondents of the survey may not be representative of the general labour force. The number of people who participates in the survey is not shown, as well as their social backgrounds. The phenomenon that home work load is increasing may only occur in some specific types of job. Moreover it may be the case that the survey is only taken in several specific companies,all of which suffer an unusual company operation. It may even not represent that all similar types of workers need more time to work at home.
Second,even if the survey correctly predicts the general labour force trend, the arguer draws a too relaxing cause and effect relationship between that the workers tend to work more at home and that they tend to purchase more office machines. There is no evidence mentioned in this argument that there is a lack of office machines at worker’s home. It may be the case that office machines have been popularized and the sales have been saturated, so that workers aren’t willing to buy any more office machines. Moreover the workers may not tend to do those tasks which need office machines at home. They may tend to leave those tasks at their companies and deal with other tasks at home. Thus, increasing the inventory of the office machines may achieve a counterproductive result,which will increase the expense of inventory and reduce the profit.
Third, the arguer fails to provide a clear reason why the sale of Valu-Mart’s office-supply departments is not impressive. There are many other facts that cause a bad sale rather than the lack of inventory. For example, the service quality of the store could be comparatively worse than its competitors so customers tend to shop in a more welcomed atmosphere. Or in order to gain a greater profit the store sells the machines at a higher price that prevents customers from being attracted.

Even if the arguer has sufficient evidence to support all the unsubstantiated ideas I suspect above, there is no clear research showing if there is machines or office supplies that are most welcomed while others are not. The arguer, however,recommends increase the inventory of all type of office machines and office supplies. This may be a very unwise decision, which is possible to lead to excessive inventory and profit reduction.
In conclusion, in order to make his statement more convincing, the arguer should provide more background information about the survey to support the idea that it is a systematic and scientific survey which is practical as a reference. The arguer should provide more information on the real reason of the reduction in sales in office-supply departments. The arguer should also do some research on the popularity of all the different machines and supplies to decide how the inventory should be arranged.

wdx19861106UID: 2821198

太牛了，写这么多~~等下该~ 4# tobywang

xingfuhbjUID: 2769976

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores."



The arguer draws the conclusion that office-supply departments of Valu-Mart will become the most profitable component of the store if the store increases the inventory of home office machines such as printers, fax machines, etc. To justify this statement the arguer refers to a survey in which the respondents tend to take more work home with them than they were in the past. And the arguer recommends the store to take advantage of this trend to increase the office-supply departments’ sale, which is not impressive in the past. I consider several aspects of the argument are unsubstantiated.
开头太冗长了，最多七十字就够了，而且不需要这样restate。And你前面写了个conclusion，
后来还来个recommend，太重复了~
小结：完全restate，还没啥子逻辑。建议去搜索一下阿狗专项里关于怎么写开头的帖及参考范文。

First, the survey can’t be treated as a reliable one without providing more evidential background information. The respondents of the survey may not be representative of the general labour force. The number of people who participates in the survey is not shown, as well as their social backgrounds. The phenomenon that home work load is increasing may only occur in some specific types of job. (我还米看，只瞄了一眼就发现三个开头一样的句式，建议变化句型) Moreover it may be the case that the survey is only taken in several specific companies, all of which suffer an unusual company operation (这是中式思维吧,不知道你指的啥,估计rater也看不懂~). It may even not represent that all similar types of workers need more time to work at home.
新手写阿狗的正常现象：你点出了三个点，但没有一个具体展开了. 请继续阅读阿狗专项精华帖相关内容.
个人觉得这个攻击点不是很好~可以忽略这个,用更强力度论证后三个点

Second, even if the survey correctly predicts the general labour force trend (你这句到底想表达什么? 员工的工作地点趋势还是劳动力的增长趋势?!估计是转换思维的时候又Chinglish了~), the arguer draws a too relaxing(这个词能这样用不?这个我不确定啊,我是疑问就问一下~) cause and effect relationship between that the workers tend to work more at home and that they tend to purchase more office machines.(呃~我好像没怎么见过between that …and that…这种形式,我语法不咋滴,你问问高手吧~) There is no evidence mentioned in this argument that there is a lack of office machines at worker’s home.(很简洁,不错!) It may be the case that office machines have been popularized(这跟家用的有什么关系?) and the sales have been saturated(还是没看懂有什么关系), so that workers aren’t willing to buy any more office machines. (其实这句就比上段好很多了,有具体剖析,这样就有力度多了!虽然对你举得例子抱疑问态度~) Moreover the workers may not tend to do those tasks which need office machines at home. They may tend to leave those tasks at their companies and deal with other tasks at home. Thus, increasing the inventory of the office machines may achieve a counterproductive result, which will increase the expense of inventory and reduce the profit.

Third, the arguer fails to provide a clear reason why the sale of Val-Mart’s office-supply departments is not impressive. There are many other facts that cause a bad sale rather than the lack of inventory.(是审题有问题么?题中没有说原因是这个吧,貌似隐含的原因是人们对这个的需求少了) For example, the service quality of the store could be comparatively worse than its competitors so customers tend to shop in a more welcomed atmosphere. Or in order to gain a greater profit the store sells the machines at a higher price that prevents customers from being attracted.
这段展开的也比第一段好, 不过还是短了点

Even if the arguer has sufficient evidence to support all the unsubstantiated ideas I suspect above, there is no clear research showing if there is machines or office supplies that are most welcomed while others are not.(懂你的意思,但是觉得你的表达有问题, 太中式了~) The arguer, however, recommends increase the inventory of all type of office machines and office supplies.(再次觉得你审题有问题, 作者没有这么说) This may be a very unwise decision, which is possible to lead to excessive inventory and profit reduction. (又没具体展开了)

In conclusion, in order to make his statement more convincing, the arguer should provide more background information about the survey to support the idea that it is a systematic and scientific survey which is practical as a reference. The arguer should provide more information on the real reason of the reduction in sales in office-supply departments. The arguer should also do some research on the popularity of all the different machines and supplies to decide how the inventory should be arranged. (又是重复句式,我想问下你不会是想弄排比吧?)

1. 开头不宜restate，尤其是没有逻辑的restate.
2. 每个攻击点一定要深入剖析,展开,不然不如不攻击.
3. 审题不够仔细,很多地方都是你自己的主观理解.
4. 表达有问题. 还比较Chinglish. 句式宜多变.
5. 语言还不够,不过这点可以先忽略.

tobywangUID: 2323485

多谢了。。。还有40天就要考了。。看来我要加强训练了。。

wdx19861106UID: 2821198

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
"Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines
such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores." (划横线部分是我找的攻击点)





The arguer draws the conclusion that office-supply departments of Valu-Mart will become the most profitable component of the store if the store increases the inventory of home office machines such as printers, fax machines, etc（感觉删去好些）. To justify this statement the arguer refers to a survey in which（70 percent of ） the respondents tend to take more work home with them than they were in the past. And the arguer recommends the store to take advantage of this trend to increase the office-supply departments’ sale, which is not impressive in the past(感觉说的有点罗嗦，要精简一下更好). I consider several aspects of the argument are unsubstantiated.


First, the survey can’t be treated as a reliable one without providing more evidential background information. The respondents of the survey may not be representative of the general labor force. The number of people who participates in the survey is not shown, as well as their social backgrounds. The phenomenon that home work load is increasing may only occur in some specific types of job. Moreover it may be the case that the survey is only taken in several specific companies, all of which suffer an unusual company operation. It may even not represent that all similar types of workers need more time to work at home.（感觉是不是举个小例子好些？比如说 work in the Internet company.）


Second, even if the survey correctly predicts the general labor force trend, the arguer draws a too relaxing cause and effect relationship between that the workers tend to work more at home and that they tend to purchase more office machines. There is no evidence mentioned in this argument that there is a lack of office machines at worker’s home. It may be the case that office machines have been popularized and the sales have been saturated, so that workers aren’t willing to buy any more office machines. Moreover the workers may not tend to do those tasks which need office machines at home. They may tend to leave those tasks at their companies and deal with other tasks at home. Thus, increasing the inventory of the office machines may achieve a counterproductive result, which will increase the expense of inventory and reduce the profit.


Third, the arguer fails to provide a clear reason why the sale of Valu-Mart’s office-supply departments is not impressive. There are many other facts that cause a bad sale rather than the lack of inventory (home office machines or office supplies). For example, the service quality of the store could be comparatively worse than its competitors so customers tend to shop in a more welcomed atmosphere. Or in order to gain a greater profit the store sells the machines at a higher price that prevents customers from being attracted.

Even if the arguer has sufficient evidence to support all the unsubstantiated ideas I suspect above, there is no clear research showing if there is machines or office supplies that (the office supplies which sell in Valu-Mart) are most welcomed while others are not. The arguer, however, recommends increase the inventory of all type of office machines and office supplies. This may be a very unwise decision, which is possible to lead to excessive inventory and profit reduction(这一句后面感觉还要再说点什么好些).


In conclusion, in order to make his statement more convincing, the arguer should provide more background information about the survey to support the idea that it is a systematic and scientific survey which is practical as a reference（感觉太长了，修剪一下可能好些）. The arguer should provide more information on the real reason of the reduction in sales in office-supply departments. （And）The arguer should also do some research on the popularity of all the different machines and supplies to decide how the inventory should be arranged.  

（写的挺好的，比我强多了。）
1# tobywang