【10G10Hawk】小组8月6日任务——Argument186

agnes2010UID: 2794922

TOPIC: ARGUMENT186 - The following is a recommendation from the director of personnel to the president of Professional Printing Company.

"In a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers, older employees were less likely to report that having a supervisor present increases their productivity. Among workers aged 18 to 29, 27 percent said that they are more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisor, compared to 12 percent for those aged 30 or over, and only 8 percent for those aged 50 or over. Clearly, if our printing company hires mainly older employees, we will increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisors."
WORDS: 540          TIME: 00:50:00          DATE: 2010-8-7 15:20:04

The arguer( the director of personnel) asserts that hiring mainly senior employees will certainly increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisors. He/She makes such conclusion from a telephone survey of a automobile factory, which shows that those older staff are less likely to report that having a supervisor present increases their productivity.  The argument seems to be reasonable at first glance, yet, a second investigation exposes several logical flaws in it.

First of all, the arguer gives a survey as his/her example, which shows the comparison between older employees and younger ones on whether having a supervisor present will increase their productivity. The figures suggest that those who said supervisors can increase their productivity are mainly workers aged 18 to 29. However, the arguer fails to give readers the number or the proportion of both younger and older workers. If young workers are far more than the old ones, there will be more possibility that they enjoy the high percentages when compared to old workers. In addition, the arguer also forgot to give the accurate information of the research samples and readers can hardly work out whether all the workers in the factory took part in the survey. If there are 100 workers (50 young 50 old) and only 50 young workers and 20 old workers participate in the survey, the figures worked out at last can not represent the overall condition of all the workers in the factory. Only when the proportion of the workers both young and old who took part in the survey is balanced can the arguer make any analyzes from the survey.

What's more, even if the figures in the survey are all convincing, the survey itself cited by the arguer still has flaws. First, the survey is a telephone one, which is not so effective as the anonymous survey. In other words, when doing a telephone survey, the factory workers' names are known by the survey researchers, which will to a large extent influence their mental activity. For example, senior workers may want to show their personal ability, so they are more likely to report that even without supervisors they are still productive. On the other side, the younger workers report that they can be productive when having supervisors in order to show their respect to those senior ones. As a result, the results from the telephone survey may be misled.

Last but not least, the arguer concludes that their Professional Pringting Company can also draw a lesson from the survey in other factory, which is not reasonable at all. The automobile factory workers mainly works on the operation of machines while the workers in a pringting company are always engaged in work related to official documents. Their work is extremely different from each other, so when it comes to productivity, the performance of workers in different companies can not be compared. Only when a survey is conducted to the Professional Printing Company or another similar printing company can the result be reasonable.

To sum up, the survey given by the arguer as an example supporting his/her conclusion is so unconvincing that neither the result or the form of the survey can be useful to work out a solution for the Professional Printing Company.

agnes2010UID: 2794922

改[02]
TOPIC: ARGUMENT186 - The following is a recommendation from the director of personnel to the president of Professional Printing Company.
"In a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers, older employees were less likely to report that having a supervisor present increases their productivity. Among workers aged 18 to 29, 27 percent said that they are more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisor, compared to 12 percent for those aged 30 or over, and only 8 percent for those aged 50 or over. Clearly, if our printing company hires mainly older employees, we will increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisors."
WORDS: 555          TIME: 01:00:00          DATE: 2010/8/6 22:43:51
green- 语法错误
blue-好词好句
red-不理解的地方
purple-建议

In this recommendation, the advice that hiring mainly older employees in printing company according to a survey was raised by the director, in which way the company would increase productivity and save money. However, after the following analysis, we will find that the director had ignored some crucial factors and facts, and that the recommendation is unpersuasive.

To begin with, the whole recommendation is based on a recent telephone survey of automobile factory workers. Yet, the author used the result of that on the advice to the printing factory, which was unreasonable. There were no more details about the two factories showing that they were in the same personnel structure, working environment, and other features. It is entirely possible that the jobs at automobile factory calls for experienced and adroit workers, and as a result of that, the older workers are more competent to the jobs while the younger needs the supervisors to be present to instruct them sometime.【这个分析的很到位~简明扼要，建议可以增加两单位间的对比，点名两公司状况不一】 With no enough evidence proving the result of the survey are appropriate to the situation in printing factory, it is obviously unreasonable to drive the conclusion about the increase of productivity.

Moreover, even if assuming that the survey from automobile factory could be used in printing factory, actually we also cannot come to the conclusion.【我觉得句首最好先点出错在哪里，之前我也经常不在句首中写明，但是Psmaggie评论说这样不好，不能让读者来找观点，最好一下子就点清这一段在讲什么，方便读者更有头绪~】 The author asserted that the printing factory would increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisors, if the factory hires mainly older employees. On one hand, according to the survey, more young employees said that they were more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisors, but there was no more information about the comparison between the present productivity of old and young. Perhaps the young employees were far more productive than the older, and after the replace the young by the older, the outcome of the factory probably decreased. On the other hand, in order to save money, reducing need for supervisors was not advisable because the author didn't give the concrete work of managers. Perhaps the supervisors not only emerged in the working places to oversee the condition of the workers, but also were engaged in the daily management of the factory. The reduction of the supervisors might result in some kind of discord in the factory.  From these two aspects, increase of productivity and saving money after hiring older employees would not necessarily come into realization.【从两个角度分析作者结论的错误，很全面！】

Finally, the method by which the survey was conducted was doubtable. In the survey, everyone's answers were collected by telephone. As we all know, telephone acted as a common communication tool in daily life, though which people chat and exchange opinions. On the problems that are connected with the personal productivity and income, it is hard to guarantee that the answers through the receivers were honest and carefully considered, not the product of chatting. There is a possibility that the older workers were quite familiar with this kind of telephone survey and know that how to give the answers would save his job, while the young were not. Thus, if the method of the survey is not reliable, let alone the result of that.

In conclusion, with no further investigation of the printing factory itself and the details about the productivity of old and young, it is hasty of the director of personnel to raise the suggestion.
【行文流畅~有条理。 我的一点小意见供参考哦~ rose加油！】

finalleUID: 2812504

In this argument,the arguer tries to convince us that we can have a higher productivity and profit if we hires mainly older people in our printing company. To substantiate the argument the arguer cites the evidence that older employees would not increase their productive with a supervisor present, and the recent telephone survey also tells us that younger employees have more need for supervisors. A careful examination of this argument would reveal how groundless the conclusion is. From my perspective, this argument based on problematic suffers from several logical flaws which can be deeply analyzed as follows.
First of all, the arguer’s conclusion the high percentage of older employees in company,is a sign of  high productivity, because of the  reduced need for supervisors is unwarranted. Productivity, as we know, is influenced by the combination of a host of factors,such as  efficiency, experience, healthy and technological. Obviously, the arguer does not provide enough information of the survey. It is possible that younger employees have more productive force than the elder, even if they don't have much experience, they may be wise, kind and easy going, have the ability to work under pressure. Besides, poor physical and susceptibility to disease are common for elder people, while the younger are not. So, even hiring mainly older employees, the arguer fails to justify whether it can help raise productivity.
Secondly, the arguer states that hiring older people will bring less cost, if a myriad of other possible occurrence, such as unfavorable economic conditions, or unexpected economic recessions, might prevent our printing company from being as profitable in the foreseeable future as the argument predicts.Morever, the arguer fails to provide exactly information about health conditions of older employees, maybe after we have saved the salary of the supervisors, we still need to pay a lot of money to older employees since they are very easy to get sick.
Finally, the arguer don't provide evidence that this conclusion in automobile factory is available under all the circumstances and when was this conclusion derived. In lack of such evidence, it is highly possible that the survey could make no sense in explaining the situation in our printing company hires. Requirements are different between these two fields, there have no comparable. Equally possible is that the survey results is only suitable in automobile fields, while it is not this case in our printing company.
In sum, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To better justify it, the arguer has to provide evidence that the automobile factory has relationship with our printing company and that the survey results can be applied to our company.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------一改

In this argument,the arguer tries to convince us that we can have a higher productivity and more profit if we hires mainly older people in our printing company. To substantiate the argument the arguer cites the evidence that older employees were less likely to report that having a supervisor present increases their productivity, and the recent telephone survey also tells us that younger employees have more need for supervisors. A careful examination of this argument
would reveal how groundless the conclusion is.
From my perspective, this argument
based on problematic
suffers from several
logical flaws
which can
be deeply analyzed as follows.

First of all, the arguer’s conclusion the high percentage of older employees in company,is a sign of high productivity, is unwarranted. Productivity, as we know, is influenced by the combination of a host of factors,such as  efficiency, experience, healthy and technological. Obviously, the arguer does not provide enough information of the survey. It is possible that younger employees have high productive force than the elder, even if they don't have much experience, young people are more open-minded than old people who have a tendency of conservation. Therefore, young people can adapt themselves to the changeable world more easily.Besides, poor physical and susceptibility to disease are common for elder people, while the younger are not. So, even hiring mainly older employees, the arguer fails to justify whether it can help raise productivity.

Secondly,
the arguer states that hiring older people will bring less cost, if a myriad of other
possible occurrence, such as unfavorable economic conditions, or unexpected
economic recessions, which might prevent our printing company from being as profitable in the foreseeable
future as the argument predicts.Morever, the arguer fails to provide exactly information about health conditions of older employees, maybe after we have saved the salary of the supervisors, we still need to pay a lot of money to older employees since they are very easy to get sick.

Finally, the arguer don't provide evidence that this conclusion in automobile factory is available under all the circumstances and when was this conclusion derived. In lack of such evidence, it is highly possible that the survey could make no sense in explaining the situation in our printing company hires. Requirements are different between these two fields, there have no comparable. Equally possible is that the survey results is only suitable in automobile fields, while it is not this case in our printing company.

In sum, the argument is not persuasive as it stands. To better justify it, the arguer has to provide evidence that the automobile factory has relationship with our printing company and that the survey results can be applied to our company.

finalleUID: 2812504

改15


The director of Professional【题目里面只说了survey的结果指明没有说是专业人员指出】 Printing Company recommends that their company should hire mainly older employees so as to increase productivity and save money. To make the recommendation convincing, he/she cited a report, which classified workers into 3 parts, and the result showed that the older the worker, the less supervisorS they needed. It is plausible at the first glance, but the recommendation suffers from several flaws.

The most conspicuous flaw is that the director asserts they should hire mainly older employees【应该与后面句子连接起来更好，不然单独前面的意思不太清楚】. But he/she fails to provide the necessary statistics about how the salaries are differing between the older works and supervisors. It is completely possible that the older works are needed to pay much more salary, while hires supervisors need to pay less. It is common sense that the older workers always pay attention to salary then【then？】 the younger workers. 【也有年轻人关注更多工资的吧】So the author should consider the possibility before come to the conclusion.【建议把possibility写清楚】
这段你攻击的是老员工与指导员的工资高低 建议多与save money连接 就显得攻击更有力度。

Furthermore, there is no evidence to indicate that current distribution of workers is not reasonable, and no information about the current productivity and expenditures on workers【后面没有完，建议把前面的reasonable移到后面当三个分句的结尾】. Perhaps, the younger workers work much hard【er】 than the elders, because they will always focus on whether【用they will get？Having显得没主语】 having the chance to promote, rather than how much payment they can get currently【重复多次】. It is, therefore, they are more likely to work hard【er】
and hope to get the attention of their boss. Thus, whether the current productivity will be lower than hiring mainly older employees is still open to doubt. In addition, the young workers are often more health than the older ones, this can effective decline the absenteeism and increase productivity.【建议不要用太多more之类的，相同的句型用一到两次就行】
这段你攻击的是提高生产力，建议开头就写出题目所写的提高生产力，而不是你自己理解的现在分配是否合理

Finally, the survey is processed by telephone, but the author failed to provide more information about how many people are participated, and how about the distribution about【两个about连用，可以用of？】
their age and position, as well as sex. It is entirely possible that many of the workers which have been investigated are the older workers.【后面这句时态是现在时，和前面不一样】 They are more prone to select that they are competent in tackling the current job, and deliberately concealing that they actually need supervisor【也可能是更有经验就不需要】, while the younger employees have told the truth. In addition, most of the younger workers that have been surveyed are women【太绝对了，应该用可能，而且时态也不对】, as we all know the practical ability of men is often better than women. Meanwhile the survey does not show any statistics about the concrete productivity of younger employees and older ones.
这段攻击的有点乱了，建议还是不要攻击survey的比较好，我看过GTER上的POOH说要攻击survey带来的逻辑顺序问题 而不是它本身。

In sum, the recommendation is neither convincing, nor logical, before coming to the conclusion that hiring mainly older employees will contribute to increase productivity and save money, the possibilities presented above should 【be】well substantiated.

finalleUID: 2812504

改10


The arguer recommends that printing company hires mainly older employees in order to increase productivity and save money because of the reduced need for supervisors. To justify his assertion, he cites a telephone survey of automobile factory workers which in my opinion, has plenty of problems at question as I would discuss below.First in the case of telephone survey, although see from the data the young workers need more supervisors to ensure their higher productivities, no solid evidence has been given to bolster the reliability of this research. Firstly, since it is a survey came by telephone, we have no idea that how many workers have been investigated in it in each age group. Perhaps the number of younger workers who have been investigated is far more than the number of the older ones thus chances are the percent of the workers aged 18 to 29 who said that they are more productive in the presence of their immediate supervisor is higher than the workers aged over 30. Secondly, what it【if】 those respondents didn't give the true answers? The older workers may lie【时态】 by reason of not to be fired. And the younger ones may lie on the grounds that they thought they could be equally productive without the presence of their immediate supervisor, or even they didn't treat this survey seriously so they just gave the answers at random. Therefore, to judge whether it should be chosen to hire more older workers on the occasion of the consequence of this research is hasty.
其实pooh好像说过不要太过于攻击survey的本身，因为这是题目给你的前提，攻击survey带来的逻辑错误更为恰当。还有注意时态问题，对于已经发生的survey一般都是过去时，你就偶尔有误用现在时。Given that the result of the telephone survey is convincing, it isn't enough to propose that the productivity of workers aged 18 to 29 is lower than that of workers aged over 30. Whether a worker needs a immediate supervisor to keep company with can't explain【说明比解释更好吧？】 everything. The leader needs to test more other aspects of a whole work if he wants to guarantee in which age group do workers work harder. For instance, he needs to get a list about how many products does a group of workers produce in a certain time, and then make a comparison. Or how long do【does】 a worker in different age need for their rest【s】. In addition, the fault rate of the products each worker in different age should be clearly carried out.这段你没写清楚怎么分group，就显得有的模糊概念。What's more, the director fails to consider many negative effects of hiring mainly older employees even that they indeed have higher productivities. Since it is not an energetic age【具体什么age？应该写they are not in the energetic age 更好？】, the older workers need more social benefits which offered by the factory. They may be more easy to get hurt in the works thus the factory have to spend more money to sent them to hospital. Otherwise, older workers may be more obstinate who desire to listen to him or herself more over thus may make more mistakes in the produce.Finally, as we know that this survey is carried out from an automobile factory while the author is from【comes from 或者in】 a printing company. The automobile industry may not be comparable with a printing company. There are many differences between these two such as the work in an automobile factory may need workers to get under the cars which is not fit for older workers, the environment of automobile factory is noisy for the workers to concentrate while the situation would not happen in printing factory, and the requests in each factories are not in a same extent, for the printing factory, it has few requests of skills for the workers while it requests more in a automobile factory. The author just fails to select a right sample to come out with an advice.In sum, the editorial is unconvincing as it stands. To strengthen the argument, the arguer must give a more strict research with a more convincing result, which comes from a factory that similar to his own 【没有提及author是老板拥有公司吧？】factory----printing factory. Thus he would have a reasonable recommendation.