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发表于 2010-10-3 16:32:33
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Red-语法词法问题
Blue-好词好句
Pink-不理解的地方
Green-小结
Orange-建议
It sounds heart-stirring to develop and build a global university aiming at fostering students in the process of solving the world’s most persistent social problems. (engage sb in sth如果用Forster的话,要改成forster sb to do sth) Nevertheless, such a university may pose myriad problems due to the complexity of the world's most persistent social problems. Besides, it will be unnecessary to build a university like that(like that
太过于口语化).
(Inevitably,)Many inevitable problems will get in the way when we plan to(in the process of building ...)
build the (a)global university. Firstly, how will the global university recruit(用enroll) students? Namely, what is the criterion for students who are qualified(这句话的定语有歧义可以直接用qualified students 或for qualifying students)?(两个问句语义重复,应该精简) There are two options.( Firstly,)The global university can select students by testing their capacity which can be measured by some new indexes. Thus, here comes the(another) problem, what indexes should we use to differentiate qualified students from unqualified ones? It is entirely impossible for us to using(use) the already existing indexes since the global university is distinct from any other universities considering its purpose(for its unique purpose). Even if we do make some just and effective indexes through some sorts of efforts, we still cannot build the global university successfully without solving the problem that how we can permit every nation’s students can enter the global university in proportion.
(缩成一句话)It will be nominal for the global university if most qualified students are from developed countries. Accordingly, it is easy for us to come up with the other option---leave it to the government, that is to say, government of every country should be responsible for the list of students who are qualified to enter the global university.(累赘) However, it is also an impropriate(这个是挪用的意思,应该是inappropriate) choice(what choice?) since we cannot prospect that all student are in a(the) same level. It may be the truth that developed countries have more highly qualified students that(than have) those of developing countries.(这句话是想说明什么?)How can a university become academically advantageous with different levels of students with identical instructional condition?
篇幅过于长,其实几句话就可以说明白,一个就是很难保证学生的水平能力相似,第二个好像是不同的国家的学生的level不一样。那个government那个option很迷糊。并且这好像不是论证的重点。留下很多漏洞,为什么不同level的学生就不能让学校发挥有利的一面?你应该defend。
Secondly, the setting of curriculum is also a nerve-wracking problem considering the unique (purpose) of global university. However, before doing this, we must define what the world's most persistent social problems are.(figure out the world’s most persistent social problems) It is (with) no doubt that global warming is a most persistent society problem(one of those); what about the Iraq war?(断得有点突兀) After all nations reach an agreement about what the criterion of the world’s most persistent problems are is, we will encounter another problem due to the complexity of persistent social problems. Take environmental protection and terrorism for example. We should arrange geography and aerography for the former one, but informatics and investigation science for the latter one.(例证不充分,怎么就复杂了?怎么就成问题了) Thus, it will be difficult to array these disciplines into an orderly way since every nation has his own problems. 上面两段建议合成一段,并且要缩写,两大断反复在讨论几个小问题,让人感觉你的思维很混乱,你因该直指要害指出每个问题。
Even if the above problems are settled properly, we are still uncertain about a key point that if it is necessary or not to develop and build a university like this.(we are still questioning about a key point—the necessity to build and develop such a university). In my opinion, it is otherwise unnecessary. Firstly, we can settle(address,tackle ,resolve,solve,hurdle) many social problems now merely with the cooperation of many countries. For example, the Economic Crisis broken up in 2008 resulted in many countries’ troublesome in economic. Nevertheless, to tackle the financial and(多余) economic crisis that spread(sweep 更传神) across the globe in 2008, the G20(what is G20?) members were called upon to further strengthen international cooperation. And now many countries have restored from that crisis.(建议合成一个长句) Secondly, we still cannot settle problems which are different for us to deal with now with the help of the global university. For example, perhaps it is still different to tackle dprk nuclear issue without the understanding of each other within the six countries.(没说明白,因为问题不同所以我们不能解决?还有这个和国际大学有关系吗?你是不是different应该是difficult,我们分析一下这里的逻辑,首先你说仅仅靠国际间的合作就完全能解决问题,你再说即使有了国际大学的帮助,问题还是很难解决。你前一个例子说的很好,很能证明 ,但能应用到其他的哦问题上吗?后面的例子你要证明的是国家之间没有understanding,不能解决问题,没有提到国际学校。你要证明一个东西没有必要,你可以说他完全没用,或者有一定用处但有同类型更好的。文中始终没有表明态度)
小结:不太令人信服,中间两段花重笔墨说明To build a global university 的难处,招学生,设置课程什么的。但只能说明建成国际大学的难度,并没有说不可能。如果能建成有很大的成效,那也值得一试。你应该换一个角度说明费这么多力气去换一个作用甚微的国际大学不值得,况且有更好的方式,最好还可以比较一下两种方式,从费力程度,和成效两个角度来谈,让人信服建国际大学完全没有必要。
It is understanding that matters much when we are to (attempt to) deal with the world’s society problems. We cannot address the world’s persistent society problems merely by building a global university .(这句话等于自杀,你承认他有作用,只是应该和其他的方式配合。) We must hold the belief that we are not just Chinese or American(不要表明自己的身份,应该说single people in a isolated country) but friends living in a same planet and we can work out any problems only by from the view of global interest.
总结,文章从开始到结尾就一直闪躲,缺乏正面交锋,正文前两段大篇幅说了几个小问题,第三段是重点,但又论证不充分,匆匆结尾。语言基本没什么问题,就是太过于冗长,不要绕来绕去,精简。
首先,你要表明态度,到底国际大学是完全无用,还是有他的用处,只是现在可能不能实现,并且其他更好的方式完全能解决问题。
其次,认清他的作用,我说他也可以考虑为国际间的合作,也可以认为能增加彼此的understanding,你要辩护。
请重视这篇文章,可能里面就包含你所有的问题,好好再想想,再改。改完后再给我看看,与我交流。
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