[u'r not alone小组]第四次作业 A53

刘文奇UID: 2850560

To support the assertion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life, the speaker cited a series of studies and facts which are used to substantiate three hypotheses: (1) infants conceived in early autumn are more likely to be shy;(2) the shyness of infants conceived in early autumn is induced by the increasing of melatonin;(3) shyness caused by the increased levels of melatonin before birth will continue to later life. However, after analyzing each hypothesis, I find none is well verified by those studies or facts.
First, the threshold assumption that infants conceived in early autumn are more likely to be shy seems entirely unpersuasive due to the poor study. Firstly, the quantity of infants involved in the study is  way , thus we cannot deduce the conclusion to a  general situation. Secondly, even if the number should be large enough, without a control group in which infants in the same quantity should be exposed to the identical unfamiliar stimuli, it still seems rash to reach the assumption. Maybe most infants (not just the infants in the study) will show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. Thirdly, there is no evidence indicates that the signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli are indexed of shyness. There is a possibility that the signs are normal reactions for most infants.
Second, even if the threshold assumption is true, it is still impossible to reach the assumption that the shyness of infants conceived in early autumn is induced by the increasing of melatonin based on the fact that the melatonin will increase in early autumn. It is equally possible that there is another increased hormone which is responsible for the shyness. To figure out clearly if melatonin is responsible for the infants’ shyness, we should know whether the extent to which infants are shy is in direct proportion to the amount of hormone or not. If it is, we ascertain that melatonin is related to infants’ shyness, but we still cannot exclude other factors.
Thirdly, the follow-up study isn’t a dear evidence for the assumption that shyness caused by the increased levels of melatonin before birth will continue to later life. First, according to the study, half of the children identified themselves as shy, nevertheless, it isn’t necessary the case that you are shy when you claim yourself to be shy. To ensure if you are shy, you should accomplish an inventory which is aimed at assessing shyness of individuals. Second, even if half of the children are truly shy, claiming that  shyness will continue to later life is still unconvincing with only two studies during infants and juvenile era. To make it more convincing, studied should be conducted every year. Third, even if studies should be conducted every year, it is still not a perfect evidence; we should know exactly the proportion of children who remain shy from infancy. There is a situation that some children who were shy are unashamed but some children who were unashamed are shy now while the proportion stays invariant.
To sum up, the conclusion based on the three hypothesises is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, we should find credible indexes of shyness, set a control group and increase the quantity of subjects. Besides, we should conduct the follow-up studies annually and record the exact proportion of subjects who remain shy. And, at last, we should find out if the extent to which infants are shy is in direct proportion to the amount of hormone and exclude other possible reasons responsible for shyness of infants through some sorts of methods.

ydycgwllUID: 2894737

Rad-语法词法问题
Blue-好词好句
Pink-不理解的地方
Green-小结
Orange-建议

To support the assertion that increased levels of melatonin before birth cause shyness during infancy and this shyness continues into later life, the speaker cited a series of studies and facts which are used to substantiate（“被用来总结成”有点累赘，改为被总结成are substantiated ） three hypotheses（这个词用在此不妥当，假设前提之意，下面3条有的是已经被study证明的事实，而不是假设的如1，2/3则是作者自己的结论；所以这里可以直接写成are substantiated as follow：）: (1) infants conceived in early autumn are more likely to be shy (你这句话总结得不对吧，原文说的more likely是对unfamiliar stimuli产生mild stress的infants are more likely conceived in early autumn，而shy 是到了teenagers才有的，而且只有more than half; 即意思表达应与原文一致，这方面要严谨);(2) the shyness of infants conceived in early autumn is induced by the increasing of melatonin;(3) shyness caused by the increased levels of melatonin before birth will continue to later life. However, after analyzing each hypothesis, I find none is well verified by those studies or facts.

First, the threshold assumption that infants conceived in early autumn are more likely to be shy seems entirely unpersuasive due to the poor study. Firstly, the quantity of infants involved in the study is  way , thus we cannot deduce the conclusion to a  general situation. Secondly, even if the number should be(虚拟语气) large enough, without a control group，(方便阅读) in which infants in the same quantity should be exposed to the identical unfamiliar stimuli(关于if条件从句的虚拟语气用法：当从句用should be时主句是要用过去时，这有几组对应关系你可以查阅语法书，可用the same quantity of infants of which were under the ame unfamiliar stimuli), it still seems rash to reach the assumption(这里应该是说鲁莽地得到这一结论吧？conclusion). Maybe most infants (not just the infants in the study) will show signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli. Thirdly, there is no evidence indicates that the signs of mild distress when exposed to unfamiliar stimuli are indexed of shyness（从你这句话可以断定你对题目本身的逻辑理解有误，题目并没有把distress和shyness二者之间建立index的标志性联系啊，只是说：在秋天被melatonin—a激素有所增长的妈妈怀上的小孩更可能distress，然后长大了以后又有多于一半shyness，于是作者结论激素水平增高的孩子shyness且last）. There is a possibility that the signs are normal reactions for most infants.
小结：主要是论证要有对比实验，排除正常因而也会...的可能

Second, even if the threshold assumption is true, it is still impossible to reach the assumption that the shyness of infants conceived in early autumn is induced by the increasing of melatonin based on the fact that only the melatonin of mothers will certainly increase in early autumn. It is equally possible that there is(are some other) another increased hormone which is responsible for the shyness. To figure out clearly if melatonin is responsible for the infants’ shyness可以合并使简洁, we should know whether the extent to which infants are shy is in direct proportion to the amount of hormone or not. If it is, we ascertain that melatonin is related to infants’ shyness, but we still cannot exclude other factors.
注意：原题中一个更大的逻辑错是：已确定的只有妈妈体内激素会增加，而作者臆断infants也会有
melatonin—a这种激素的增加
而你文中论证的是shyness可能归功于其它因素，即你默认了小孩体内是有
melatonin—a这种激素的，只是不是它在起作用而已！当然你指出的这一漏洞也很好，于是你可以在指出题目那个更大的漏洞之后，让步，提出你的other factor观点

Thirdly, the follow-up study isn’t a dear evidence for the assumption that shyness caused by the increased levels of melatonin before birth will continue to later life. First, according to the study, half of the children identified themselves as shy, nevertheless, it isn’t necessary the case that you are shy when you claim yourself to be shy(即使你自己认为害羞了，那也不一定是害羞了？有点不明白，是否害羞还需要一个专门的鉴定标准吗？在你们心理学上). To ensure if you are shy, you should accomplish an inventory which is aimed at assessing shyness of individuals. Second, even if half of the children are truly shy, claiming that  shyness will continue to later life is still unconvincing with only two studies during infants and juvenile era. To make it more convincing, studied should be conducted every year. Third, even if studies should be conducted every year(可用mentioned above have been done), it is still not a perfect evidence; we should know exactly the proportion of children who remain shy from infancy. There is a situation that some children who were shy are unashamed but some children who were unashamed are shy now while the proportion stays invariant观点全面.
小结：这段主要是说明要证明将来是否害羞还要做哪些实验；

To sum up, the conclusion based on the three hypothesises is unpersuasive as it stands. To bolster the conclusion, we should find credible indexes of shyness, set a control group and increase the quantity of subjects. Besides, we should conduct the follow-up studies annually and record the exact proportion of subjects who(how many) remain shy. And, at last, we should find out if the extent to which infants are shy(婴儿害羞的extent，是否介词用of而不是to？而且还是那个错误，原题中没有infants shy而是teenagers shy，另此处可写成the extent of youthhoods’ shyness) is in direct proportion to the amount of hormone and exclude other possible reasons responsible for shyness of infants through some sorts of methods.
总结：整体文章在用词用句上面用了心，下了功夫，但建议不要过于追求要长句，因为暂时这样会导致你表述上的不清，继续加油会更好；另外对于你自己提出的问题都给了充分的论证；但一个最大的问题是这次作文写作之前没有好好审题，对原文的逻辑关系存在原则上的偏差，希望你在琢磨琢磨，欢迎讨论~~