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[未归类] 大家帮忙修改一下英文 [复制链接]

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发表于 2010-12-4 20:51:43 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览
我们校长的朋友请我们校长给他儿子写一封大学本科入学推荐信,对方写完了我们校长觉的语气不太好,让我给修改修改

一层层安排下来了,大家集思广益帮忙改改这个信,文法错误也算上,我好交差。非常感谢!!

Letter of Recommendation

Dear Admissions Officers:

Mr. XXX XXX is a student in Class 13 at the Second High School Attached to Beijing Normal University in 2008. I met him at a Science Activity in Beijing in 2005, the year he came back from Canada. And we have kept in touch since then. I can say that I have witnessed his growth in his 5 years in high school. I am very pleased to write this letter to recommend him as a strong candidate to the Undergraduate program in your department.

XXX is well gifted in studying, hardworking, and has a relatively strong comprehension ability and adaptability. He went to Canada with his parents an the age of 8, and studied there for 5 years until he came back to China when he was 13. This has helped him a lot in learning English but caused him trouble in learning his native language, Chinese, when he was back. For example, he had great difficulty in reading and writing in Chinese at that time. I remember when he was writing his essays, he had to spend a lot more effort in finishing any sentence in Chinese, but never gave up. Besides, I learned that, even though he could hardly catch up with the teachers in class because of his not-so-good Chinese, he tried his best to grasp the knowledge by self-study and asking for help after class.
Many Chinese children do not feel suitable in learning back in China after living and studying abroad for several years. For example, they may not feel good at the native language and the different ways of "teaching" and "learning" inside and abroad after returning back, which may frustrate them in learning. However, through continuous hard work and his own strong will, XXX has not only significantly improved his Chinese language proficiency, but also learned mathematics, physics and chemistry and other subjects very well. He did this within only three years of his return, which has demonstrated his real smartness and great will in fighting against difficulties. All these led to his excellent grades in the High School Entrance Examination in 2008, and the admission to the Second High School Attached to Beijing Normal University, which is a first-class high school throughout China, even in the world.

I paid close attention to XXX since he entered this high school. I have noticed that in addition to fully grasp the knowledge that the teacher talks about in class, he also participated actively in the professional classes and seminars to expand his knowledge and improve his ability in analyzing issues and addressing problems. He has maintained excellent academic grades and greatly broadened his horizon in those years. In addition, he is very friendly with others, and always ready to help others.

XXX has also showed great potential in organizing activities and social communications during the years. In September 2009, he was elected the Student Union liaison minister for his outstanding performance in a series of competitions among all the candidates. And during his tenure, he has successfully organized many community activities such as an inter-school basketball match and debate competition, the community volunteer service, visits to science museums, etc.. In addition, as a live-in students, he contributes a lot to the communication between the dorm teacher and the live-in students, and has set as a good example in developing good living habits among the students.

XXX is also very active in other school activities, such as charity events, donations to the disaster areas, theatrical performances in arts festivals and sports Games. For instance, he took part in the duet and chorus performance this year in the Arts Festival, which is our school's traditional large-scale activity, and won the awards. He also won a first-place and third-place prizes in both men's 100M and 300M races, respectively, and helped his team get the champion in the 100M relay in the Sport Games of the Schools in September, with his strong body and well and team work.


I have personally known XXX for 5 years, and he has impressed me as a young man with strong-minded, ambitious, diligent, practical and self-confident characteristics, which I think are consistent with the principles for your students. Since he has been in Canada for more than 5 years, I also believe he would be better to make himself at home in your country and live a good life at school.

I think all the good qualities and great potentials of him will make him a good student in your school with bright future. I strongly recommend XXX XXX for entrance into your school.
@慕容雪村:在文明世界,不轻易评判别人是一种操守。事之对错可以谈论,道德与人格要谨慎评判。但中国有一种“道德审判机”,任何事都能引起他的满腔怒火,张口便骂,动辄要杀要打要操人妈,说人道德败坏、人格下贱、猪狗不如。其中也许有高尚人士,另外一些,也许只是因为不顺心,样样都比不过,只好跟人比道德。
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沙发
发表于 2010-12-4 20:55:33 |只看该作者
1# chusuifeng

Letter of Recommendation.doc

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@慕容雪村:在文明世界,不轻易评判别人是一种操守。事之对错可以谈论,道德与人格要谨慎评判。但中国有一种“道德审判机”,任何事都能引起他的满腔怒火,张口便骂,动辄要杀要打要操人妈,说人道德败坏、人格下贱、猪狗不如。其中也许有高尚人士,另外一些,也许只是因为不顺心,样样都比不过,只好跟人比道德。

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板凳
发表于 2010-12-5 09:59:26 |只看该作者
冒着班门弄斧的风险


感觉第一段两人的相识写的不清楚,感觉应该把自己的身份写出来,然后写如何认识这个孩子的。
读完觉得有点奇怪,为什么你们校长对这孩子的事儿知道的这么清楚?

咳咳~个人看法~

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地板
发表于 2010-12-5 10:16:55 |只看该作者
看完了,感觉推荐人不是被推荐人的WITNESS,而是PARENTS...
这个人的立场只是一个keep in touch的联系人,连SUPERVISOR都不是,怎么可能知道这么多?
很多细节完全没有必要说明的,比如什么在加拿大从8到13岁呆了5年云云,直接就说刚回国,语言有障碍就好了。
还有整篇推荐信写的如同一个大杂烩,基本上就是XXX这也好,那也好,但是全部都是点到为止,没有重点,让人读完以后对这个人完全没有一丁点印象。
平生太湖上,短棹几经过,于今重到何事? 愁比水云多。拟把匣中长剑,换取扁舟一叶,归去老渔蓑。银艾非吾事,丘壑已蹉跎。
脍新鲈,斟美酒,起悲歌:太平生长,岂谓今日识干戈!欲泻三江雪浪,净洗胡尘千里,无为挽天河。回首望霄汉,双泪坠清波。

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5
发表于 2010-12-5 10:22:15 |只看该作者
还有很多看起来就很假的,比如说那个什么参加慈善活动...

推荐信里面罗织事件不会让人有任何好感,只会让评审觉得推荐人实在是对这小孩没什么好说的。

我觉得,2,3,5,6段完全可以全部砍掉,把第四段的high school performance具体化,至少还能让人看出这小孩有点什么能力。

至于体育特长什么的,统统写进CV。
平生太湖上,短棹几经过,于今重到何事? 愁比水云多。拟把匣中长剑,换取扁舟一叶,归去老渔蓑。银艾非吾事,丘壑已蹉跎。
脍新鲈,斟美酒,起悲歌:太平生长,岂谓今日识干戈!欲泻三江雪浪,净洗胡尘千里,无为挽天河。回首望霄汉,双泪坠清波。

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发表于 2010-12-7 03:28:43 |只看该作者
嗯,我拟过推荐信草稿,然后和老师亲自写的比较,最有差的就是细节
细节太多,其实反而不真实。一般老师写的,都会比较把握大方向。只有自己写才会努力放细节= =
且陶陶,乐尽天真。

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发表于 2010-12-7 04:18:42 |只看该作者
说实话我觉得这个reference letter是写砸了 而且甚至没有修改的价值

首先referenee选错了 这个院长虽然自己有title 但这没有任何意义 因为他并不是这个被推荐的小孩的任何人 连关系都只是keep in touch 那你咋知道他中文有啥障碍 还能for example出那么具体的例子比如 he had great difficulty in reading and writing in Chinese at that time. I remember when he was writing his essays, he had to spend a lot more effort in finishing any sentence in Chinese, but never gave up. 另外那推荐人自己难道也是从小国外长大的么 怎么还能说出Many Chinese children do not feel suitable in learning back in China after living and studying abroad for several years.听起来要多假有多假啊

其次 推荐人到底要说什么?
从8岁开始写到高中毕业 从语言写到学习写到慈善活动又写到体育运动 到底想说啥?一般推荐人都是从了解的方面重点推荐的 和学习比起来 可能跑步这种事情根本就不值得提了吧 写上只能把有用的信息dilute掉而已
这整个读完的感觉就是blablabla说了一堆 但实在没看出这孩子和其他人有啥不同之处
休假中 站内短信看不到 请见谅
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