Issue235【StruggleToTriumph】by Chan 12.30

chenge107UID: 2969676

2010.12.30
ISSUE235 "Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty—whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution—is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force."

Loyalty, broadly defined as a essential virtue by people from all around the world for many years ago. Even in the era of rapid social and technology change leading to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, it is also emphasized to be one of most important character by many people.

Microsoft Corporation, a American-based multinational computer technology corporation found by Bill Gates and Paul Allen, which Ranked third among the top brands in the “Barents Weekly” and ranked 38th at the 2008 annual “Fortune” the world's largest 500 companies, having provided so many products for people and raised a revolution in the computer industry, make loyalty together with innovate spirit as its enterprise culture. The example of Microsoft demonstrates that loyalty is one of the significant keys of the success of an organization. There will be no teamwork until every member is loyal to the team, and only there is team cooperation, there will be efficiency and the organization will obtain success.

Loyalty is also essential in other aspects, for example, politic, matrimony, social stability and so on. The strength and greatness of a country largely depends on the loyalty of its citizens. Maintaining of matrimony relies heavily on mutual loyalty of man and wife. And as long as everyone is loyal to each other, society will surely be harmonious and steady.

Although loyalty is so much essential for our society, we also should take notice of its destructive when people are loyal too much to their countries or organizations. Undue loyalty or even blind personality cult to their countries will no suspect let people lose intellect and results in war at last, such as chauvinism. Be too much loyal to their organizations, people will take any method and disregard any cost to keep their own benefit, thus will result in no harmony and stability in society.

In my opinion, loyalty is surely a virtue when it is moderate, we could use it for maintaining of social harmony and stability. But loyalty is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force when it is undue, whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution.

ZSophiaUID: 2973715

2010.12.30
ISSUE235 "Most people are taught that loyalty is a virtue. But loyalty—whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution—is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force."

Loyalty, broadly defined as an essential virtue by people from all around the world for many years ago. Even in the era of rapid social and technology change leading to increasing life complexity and psychological displacement, it is also emphasized to be one of most important character by many people.（我觉得这个开头有点太过单薄了，我记得小宝说过开头段有三个必修，引出话题背景发起讨论，概括原文结论和指出命题复杂性，不一定要明细指出，但是应该稍带提到吧，这样既能打开思路，又能扩充文章内容，chan你觉得呢？如果是我，接下来就会补充作者认为balabala，然后这个问题是complicated的，要具体问题具体分析）

Microsoft Corporation, an American-based multinational computer technology corporation founded by Bill Gates and Paul Allen, which Ranked third among the top brands in the “Barents Weekly” and ranked 38th at the 2008 annual “Fortune” (这儿是不是少了个介词？语法我一向很烂…………我就是觉得念起来有点怪)the world's largest 500 companies, having provided so many products for people and raised a revolution in the computer industry, make loyalty together with innovate spirit as its enterprise culture. The example of Microsoft demonstrates that loyalty is one of the significant keys of（to？） the success of an organization. There will be no teamwork until every member is loyal to the team, and only there is team cooperation, there will be efficiency and the organization will obtain success. 我觉得这句话的逻辑顺序有点奇怪，首先突出结果重要性，然后再说怎样达到结果吧，而且考虑到前面是正面论述，那这句可以反过来说，如果没有loyalty会如何，你觉得呢？Only with team cooperation can the organization obtain success and promote efficiency, but as we know, no teamwork would exist if no one is loyalty to the team.然后可以再加一句总结的话吧，这样显得完整一点In short, I do commit the notion that economic groups and organizations benefit a lot from the merits of loyalty.
（我觉得这儿承接得好像不是那么顺畅，可以来一句总领的过渡句，不仅仅是团队和机构从中获益，在其他很多方面balabala）Loyalty is also essential in other aspects[/color]（我猜你可能是想分领域表达，前面说了经济，后面说政治，这样的话，把这个词换成fields会不会好点？因为这个词让我以为你会从其他角度来说，比如宏观微观精神物质什么的）, for example, politic, matrimony, social stability and so on. The strength and greatness of a country largely（to a large extend） depends on the loyalty of its citizens. Maintaining of matrimony relies heavily[/color](我觉得这个词感觉不是很好，但是又想不到什么其他更好的词：p) on mutual loyalty of man and wife（这个词是不是跟man不太协调？）. And as long as everyone is loyal to each other, society will surely be harmonious and steady[/color].（我觉得这句的逻辑依据值得推敲，但是又说不上来哪里不对，chan你可以改一下表达方法什么的，可能感觉会好很多）
（还是同样的，我觉得承接有点问题，念起来不是很通畅的感觉，因为前面说的是好处，但是用although就有种跟前面截断联系的感觉，你可以granted that， given that或者leave along什么的，这样可能可以和上文联系得更紧密）Although loyalty is so much essential for our society, we also should take notice of its destructive when people are loyal too much to their countries or organizations. Leaving along the advantages of loyalty mentioned above, we might have to take notice of its destructive when the overextended loyalty to ones own country and organization occurs. Undue loyalty or even blind personality cult to their countries will no suspect[/color](我木有见过这个用法…………再次体现我的懒和语法差，你有时间给我说说啦) let people lose intellect and results in war at last[/color]（我觉得这里的推理好像也有点小问题，不理智和过度忠诚不一定最终导致战争吧，而且就算战争发生，也不一定是因为人民的愚忠）, such as chauvinism.（其实我觉得这个可以善加利用，说得更加透彻，忠诚为什么会导致chauvinism，chauvinism有哪些危害，有哪些让人信服的samples，这些samples最终又是如何reason出过分loyalty的弊处） Be too much loyal to（这个用法太单调了，我觉得你可以尝试多一些的语法变化） their organizations, people will take any method and disregard any cost to keep their own benefit, thus will result in no harmony and stability in society.

In my opinion, loyalty is surely a virtue when it is moderate, we could use it for maintaining of（这里需要加of吗？） social harmony and stability. But loyalty is all too often a destructive rather than a positive force when it is undue, whether to one's friends, to one's school or place of employment, or to any institution.（我觉得最后一段应该重申主立场，概括主理由，强调关键词，把整篇作文再以缩略的形式展现出来，而不仅仅是对题目的重复。）
综合点评：我认为chan你的思路很不错，但是没有打开，在有些细微的地方阐述得也不是很清晰。不过短时间内写出这样一篇文章也算是很不错了。然后就是词法和语句构造略显单调，这是不是男生写作文的通病呢？O(∩_∩)O哈哈~你可以尝试多从一些其他方面来丰富自己的论证，在某一个论点上展开讨论，深入下去。因为我觉得issue如果没有足够深刻的立意的话，那么讨论深入一点有助于弥补这种对问题复杂性认识的不足。就这样啦，加油吧！