hyliu1-08 作文

xiangtuoUID: 3047550

独立：

What have you learned about a country from its movies?

Seeing（比较惯用的是watching） movies is one of my favorite leisure activities. In my mind I could indicate the customs and society’s（social) problems of a country from its movies, （去掉）even though I haven’t been there before. Something like what behaviors we mustn’t do in that country and what activities of the country’s people usually do in their daily life, or society’s phenomenon appeared in that country.

Watching movies of other countries can let us obtain the knowledge of various habits of other countries. For instance, when I was watching a movie made of English, I found that when English are talking with each other, they would like to keep distance with the other people. Through this detail I realized that English prefer to（往往有一个比较的对象 would like to 或would love to会更恰当写 ）leave a private space to others. So if I step into the English（进入一个地方，Britain）, I will comply with the same way to talk with other people, which would not bring me inconvenience.

In addition, from a movie of other countries, I could acquaint myself with the custom of a country. For example, I have been(去掉 你是被看电影吗？)seen（同上）a Indian movie,（前一句完整，后一句又没有关系，用句号断开） in that movie there is a plot shows that it is disrespectful,（去掉） if you convey stuff use your left hand , （去掉）when you participate a party. And that admonished me do not make the same mistakes if I step into the Indian（同上）and take part in party. And knowledge like this I accepted it before I go abroad.

Finally, watching one movie may allow me to understand deeply about the society’s phenomenon of a country. I have seen a movie called “three idiots”; it is worth watching and on the topic of my list. On that movie, I realize that most students in Indian are pressed by much strength（武力胁迫的意思吗？）. So I conclude that students live in there mostly without freedom（缺少谓语）. If giving a choice to select a country to go abroad, I wouldn’t like to choose Indian（前面都说是country了，怎么还是Indian呢？）.

Admittedly, through a movie couldn’t allow us to get the all （颠倒一下）news of the country. But we can learn something about the country that we haven’t touched before. We can take benefits from it and prepare to decide which country we prefer to choose.

这篇和昨天的比简直是天壤之别！进步神速啊！

不过还是有些问题

老美看作文比较注重逻辑啊 层级啊什么的，这点还是有上升的空间。你的第一段是总领全文吗？总领全文的话就不要出现细节以及举例什么的。如果是总领全文的话，文章有两个层次？custom和social problem.但是你说第一段也写了habbit 挺好的。把habbit加上吧！

还有，每一段的开头，都会有类似层次的first secondly之类的词语，要是你觉得这些俗，也可以换写同义的。

qianhuangUID: 2766587

5月6日 综合 修改

qfaithUID: 2657846

5.6 综合

tidus_xuanUID: 172013

你让我看的是哪篇？你帖子里好多篇呢
要不直接像改我作文那样发给我也行，我改好了发在你的作文贴里
顺便请教一下，怎么在帖子里发word文档？

tidus_xuanUID: 172013

独立：

What have you learnedabout a country from its movies?

Seeing movies is oneof my favorite leisure activities. In my mind I could indicate the customs andsociety’s problems of a country from its movies, even though I haven’t beenthere before. （语法上完全正确，但意思上有点小问题。你其实应该是从电影中能看出国家的某些传统或是社会问题，I indicate的意思跟I think差不多，用在这里不是太合适。其实真正indicate国家的文化或传统的是电影里出现的那些画面或者镜头，而不是“I”，而且你还用了in my mind，那会给外国人一种什么感觉呢？貌似你有超能力，你可以在没有去过那个国家的情况下，直接在脑子里就能知道那个国家是什么样的。所以可以这么该：One of my favoriteleisure activities is watching movies, from which I could identify the uniquecustoms and social problems of a country I have never been before.）Somethinglike what behaviors we mustn’t do in that country and what activities of thecountry’s people usually do in their daily life, or society’s phenomenonappeared in that country.（这句话的并列用得不错，但是太罗嗦，你可以考虑一些更书面化的表达方法。比如我们在这个国家不能做的行为，是不是可以译成forbiddenbehavior, 国家人民每天都做的事情，就是daily routines，社会现象太中文化了，你可以说characteristicphenomena, 还有一个小的方面，就是你写了mustn’t do，在作文里要写must not do）

Watching movies ofother countries can let us obtain the knowledge of various habits of othercountries. （在书面用语上，尽量避免let, make, 偶尔用一下无妨，多用文章会显得不formal，不native，当你一定想用使我怎么怎么样，想想enable。所以这句话其实倒过来更好，说We obtain…inwatching foreign movies.）For instance, when I was watching a moviemade of English, I found that when English are talking with each other, theywould like to keep distance with the other people. （movie madeof English？英国人制作的电影？英国电影就用Britain movie。另外时态太混乱了，一般来说整篇文章的时态都要一致，要么过去，要么现在，不能乱，除非一些特殊情况，比如现在时的文章里回忆过去的事情等。还有keep adistance from other people是正确用法。the other people和otherpeople是不同的，要注意区分）Through this detail I realized that English prefer to leavea private space to others. So if I step into the English, I will comply withthe same way to talk with other people, which would not bring me inconvenience.（本身意思上我明白了，但是有些句子太Chinese了，比如英国人喜欢和别人谈话的时候给别人一点私人空间，其实翻成英语就是谈话的时候要尽量避免太隐私的话题。 给我带来不方便也是中文的说法，英语中的意思应该是trouble me或者bringmisunderstanding最后一句可以改一下，so if I step into Britain, I should complywith traditional rules when talking to people, which would otherwise arousemuch trouble.）

In addition, from amovie of other countries, I could acquaint myself with the custom of a country.For example, I have been seen a Indian movie, in that movie there is a plotshows that it is disrespectful, if you convey stuff use your left hand , whenyou participate a party. （这句话还是一个老毛病，太长，意思不清，语法错误。我帮你改一下，你自己可以稍微琢磨一下句子该如何表达Forexample, from an Indian movie, I have learned that it is disrespectful toconvey stuff with left hand in a party. ）And that admonished me do not make thesame mistakes if I step into the Indian and take part in party. And knowledgelike this I accepted it before I go abroad.（最后两句，admonish这个词用得不错，连我都不知道，还去查了一下字典，惭愧啊。说正题，前一句语法错了，后一句写得意思不清。还有既然前面用了step into，后面就换一个词，这么改Thisexample admonishes me so that I will not make a mistake when travelling toIndia for a party. 最后那句你是想说你应该在出国前就了解这个国家的文化吧，还要考虑跟你这一段的主题相联系，考虑这么改Therefore, acquiringa cultural convention of a country from movies is necessary before goingabroad.）

Finally, watching onemovie may allow me to understand deeply about the society’s phenomenon of acountry. （society’s phenomenon不正确，要么说social phenomenon, 要么换个词，因为你第一段里已经出现过这个词了，可以用living nature,current situation, social reality ）I have seen a movie called “three idiots”（不要加引号，电影名字每个单词的首字母要大写）; it isworth watching and on the topic of my list（on the topic of my list？我没看懂）. On thatmovie, I realize that most students in Indian are pressed by much strength. （电影里用in。press bymuch strength是说明学生压力大吗？这个strength 又是什么呢？是本国的文化传统造成的？还是工作就业的压力？亦或老师父母的要求？要说明白。）So Iconclude that students live in there mostly without freedom. If giving a choiceto select a country to go abroad, I wouldn’t like to choose Indian.（用given,would not, India，去掉abroad）

Admittedly, through amovie couldn’t allow us to get the all news of the country. （Admittedly看了好多人的文章都很喜欢用这个词，词本身没问题，但建议你对某个词很熟的话，就不要多用了，否则起不到锻炼的效果。另外句子也需要修改。主语是a movie。 through是多余的，get在书面语里少用，直接把to get the改成for。The country改成a country，你没有特指哪个国家。）But we can learn something about thecountry that we haven’t touched before. We can take benefits from it andprepare to decide which country we prefer to choose. （最后一句你自己修改，两句合一句，我给你一点提示，翻译成中文：当我准备去一个陌生的国家时，从电影中学到的生活习惯、文化传统和社会现状会使我受益无穷。基本句型为I will significantlybenefit from…）

1. 文章的理由还是比较充分的，从电影中能学到生活习惯，文化传统，以及了解社会现状。

2. 注意英语的文章有一个很重要的方面是一致性，基础的是时态和称谓，要么全部现在时，要么全部过去时。还有你的称谓也用的不一致，一开始I, 后面变we, 中间还出现过you, 把所有的统一，不然老外看不懂。

3. 多考虑替换的词，比如country太多了，考虑一下nation, place,location, 向往的国家可以用dreamland，选择用select, opt,alternate等等，再不行换个意思看看能不能起到一样的效果，总之让脑子多转转。

4. 避免过于口语的词，比如get, make, let, to do。平时注意多积累外国人文章的一些句子表达。避免不必要的代词，尤其it，在用it时，仔细考虑下你的it指代的是什么？是否能用从句把it 去掉？站在读者的角度考虑一下it。

5. 助动词和not在书面交流中不要放一起，全部分开，不要出现haven’t,can’t, shouldn’t 等等。

hyliu1-08UID: 3063421

5 月 25 日 独立

zjxdxokzzyUID: 3072531

5.25独立修改

hyliu1-08UID: 3063421

5月27日 独立

白猫猫UID: 3039408

5月27独立，因为周末出去休息了，现在才改完，楼主抱歉

Do you agree that statement: the most important aspect of a job is money a person earn?

While studying at university, every student faces the problem of deciding what to do after graduation. Some students have the point that money is the most critical factor when he or she chooses a job. While others decide to comply with their own aspiration, they hope do a job which is suitable and reasonable.（这两个观点感觉不是对立的啊，suitable and reasonable 的工作可能对于一些人来说就是钱多的工作呢？ ） In my opinion, I definitely stand the side of people who belong the way(不知道这个说法地道不地道呀) that is liked by them. There are many documents （为什么说有很多“文件”支持我的观点呢？没见过document 这个用法啊）for my points; main causes go as follows.

First, we should understand that money is not the all of a（a 去掉） life. Even though, we can use it buy something that we need to maintain our life, we can think deeply further; why we live in the（the 去掉） this world, not only because the purpose of eating, but also there are so many pretty things in this world, such as staying with family, playing with best friends and enjoying a good holiday.(感觉，这句话有点怪怪的，要是我，我会写成这样，not just to eat, but for so many pretty things in this world, such as staying with family, playing with best friends and enjoying a good holiday.) If one is always sticking by (focusing on) making more money, he or she will loses amounts of meaningful points(things). Because he or she should spend more times(time) on his or her work than others do, even during public holiday.

Second, I admit that money is an aspect of job, and without it we cannot afford our fee, such as rent, cloth even food. However, I believe that this factor should estate（？） on the basis of interest. If one regard his or her work as a favorite play, he must have and（a） good impression on his area. And then, he or she is gaining perfect life not the number of money.

Finally, money means a lot, but not all. We should control it rather than being the salary of it. We should discern that (the)money a person earn is a(not the most important) factor of a job. When we choose the job which is suitable and interesting to us, money will appear in our life with a style of accessory.


有一些词汇感觉有些问题，标为红色了，有的根据自己的想法改了，有的不知道楼主的想法，没有改，希望楼主可以自己看一下。感觉楼主的文章，逻辑上好像不是特别的清晰，理由分三段，按照我的理解大概是
1，
钱不是万能的，还有很多其他有意义的事情，需要花时间。（当然我觉得这段中，努力挣钱就会多花时间工作的逻辑，还是有点问题哦）
2，
应该按照自己的兴趣去选择事业，而不是仅仅为了钱。
3，
如果找到自己适合的工作，钱会自然而然的来。

首先这三个理由，我觉得理由还是挺好的，但是楼主都没有好好充分的去发展每个理由。而且每一段中有有一些不太相关的话。比如最后一段中，其实前两句都没什么太大的意义.
比如第二段，按照自己的兴趣去选择事业，可以分为更小的两个理由。1，找到有兴趣的工作，你工作的时候就会很开心，这样一天中大部分的时间你都很开心。2.找到有兴趣的工作，你会更加努力的工作，晋升会更快。

我觉得楼主可以写成：
1，
钱是比较重要的，但是钱不是最主要因素。
2，
最主要的因素是******，然后理由1，理由2 展开。

以上都是个人的看法，水平不高，楼主选择性的看吧，一起加油~

hyliu1-08UID: 3063421

5月31日 独立

zahngxinUID: 2976843

修改的文章已经上传你的QQ情查收！

qianhuangUID: 2766587

6月1日 独立 修改

hyliu1-08UID: 3063421

6月1 日 综合

zjxdxokzzyUID: 3072531

6.1综合批改。 建议楼主多练听力啊，lecture的观点写的都不对。

hyliu1-08UID: 3063421

6月5日 独立