xiangtuo的作文帖~~

薰叶初UID：3143366

看了你的作文,稍微改了一下.

xiangtuoUID：3047550

10.21 独立！
此11th 非彼11th~

junjunbillUID：3171847

:)嗨，我今天刚加入这个队伍，还不太熟悉如何上传附件所以只好粘过来啦！以下是我的修改，如有不妥之处欢迎随时商讨！
College orUniversity should offer more preparation before they start working

Today,with the development of the society, more and more students have the chance toenter in (删)universities.As a result, the competition among graduates was drastically fierce.Then, some people cite（还是用hold好） theopinion that college or university should offer more preparation beforegraduates starts working. So simplistic is their idea that it can bring morebenefit to their students and let them adapt to （adapt 作及物动词是使适应的意思）working successfully; such is my own ideathat the preparation should made by graduates themselves. Not only can they getpreparation tailored for themselves, but also in flexible time.
Admittedly,it is university or college’s duty to educate their students more suitable tothe society. However, it is an enormous and massive program. Seldom could theydo perfect on every aspect of the program for every major of the university.Only under certain circumstances when the major was so special and peculiar wouldthe university choose to offer more preparation uniformly could be sensible（这里是不是多余了？）
Furthermore,only when
the graduates prepare for themselvescan they realize more about their future. For instance, my brother, who hasbecome a chief manager, had puzzled when he was going to work. Other classmatesaccepted arrangement of the college to prepare being a computer engineer whilemy brother made up his mind to do management. The reason is simply（simple）, during the process of preparation, he understood thatmanagement would have a bright future and he didn’t suit for being as（删掉） a computer engineer（因为时间上有个先后关系，做工程师在搞管理之前，所以前后两句调换一下较好，he understood that he didn’t suit for being a computer engineer andmanagement career would have a bright future）. He was exactlyright. Have（has） he not determinedto do management, he would not have achieved success.
Moreover, students wouldhave more flexible time if they do the preparation themselves. I am a seniorstudent and I prefer to prepare for my future at home; only in this way could Iget more useful information for me. I enjoy the comfortable surroundings withfamily and convenient transportation; many graduates cites with me（应该是agree with吧）. It would disturb students’ own plan ifcollege’s going to hold meetings to offer more(没有比较，用many较好)
preparation.I could safely draw a conclusion that most senior students would not like toprepare for their future together with all the students.
Ina word, colleges and universities don’t need to offer more preparation for seniorstudents. It is better for both universities and graduates.

总体结构没有什么毛病，但是觉得开头有点长了，且短句较多。可以用从句连成一句，如more and more students have the chance to enter universities and thecompetition among graduates was drastically fierce，which leads to the opinion that college or university should offermore preparation before graduates starts working. 再如such is my own idea that making preparation by graduates would notonly get tailored for themselves, but also have more flexible time.
是否可以缩减点开头扩充一下论据？如第二个论点可以引用乔布斯入读俄亥俄州里德学院六个月后退学的例子。

byebyehakuUID：3124349

我来晚了  作文改好了就给你传上来

这是我的帖子 欢迎给我改
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1292096-13-1.html

byebyehakuUID：3124349

改好了