作文一直是我的心头大患啊。。。求批改！

finkr_1420UID: 3026367

本人的用词一直都比较幼稚，没有什么长进，求好心人耐心修改。。。非常感谢！

Should school child be limited on the hours of watching TV program and movie?

Children are always the focus to parents. Parents spend lots of time and efforts to improve their performance in school including regulating their entertainment activities. Then, many people has doubted whether the time of watching TV is direct proportion to the performance and whether it is necessary to limit the time. Different people may hold different opinions due to their own angles.

Personally speaking, I am inclined to restrict the time of watching TV since the time that belongs to a single person is surely limited. Then, too much time spend on TV will inevitably spend less time on school assignments and even reduce your sleep hour which in turn may affect your performance in school. We do not have to look very far to see the valid standpoint. Just take myself as an example. Once I have been addicted to a popular soap opera called secret garden. Then, I spent day and night watching the soap opera and finished it at one go. During that period, I can not focus on the study and even can not sleep well. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that spending too much time on TV is bad to children both physically and mentally.

Considerable though the drawbacks TV has are, it can not cover up the merit of watching TV program. In fact, what you have learned from teachers in class is limited and there is much information and knowledge you can get from other resources such as TV programs. You may figure out the social truth in the apprentice, get some wise suggestions about current financial situations in the wall street journal and acquire some mysterious problems in the discovery. All this stuff weigh no less then those basic calculating formulae in school. You can put this information into practice directly and obtain precious experience that you may never get from school courses.

Then, it is not to say you can dedicate all your time to those worthful programs without any restrictions. What you have learned in school is basic science. It is the basis for you to appreciate the whole world and establish your own value for the society. Without those necessary courses, you can not understand other materials in TV programs and even common sense. One could effortlessly answer the question if what a 10-year old girl gets from the book called “the little prince” equals to what a 20-year old girl gets from it. Of course not. A 10-year old girl may only get the literally meaning from the story but a 20-year old girl may find the life spirit to inspire herself.

In essence, by taking into account all these factors discussed above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that limiting the type and the time of TV watching is necessary and reasonable for parents to let their children live a happy and healthy life.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

1# finkr_1420

Should school children be limited on the hours of watching TV program and movies?

Children are always the focus of parents. Parents spend lots of time and efforts to improve their (Who? The ‘parents’, or ‘their children’? The subject of this sentence is ‘parents’, so your reader would naturally assume that they are also ‘them’.) performance in school including regulating their entertainment activities (Again, is this part of ‘efforts to improve’ or ‘performance in school’? This part is nearer to ‘performance in school’ so it would be naturally associated with that rather than ‘efforts to improve’.). Then, many people have doubted whether the time of watching TV is directly proportional to the performance (If you say they are ‘directly proportional’, you mean the more time spent watching TV, the better the performance..so I guess you actually mean ‘inversely proportional’, or ‘directly related’.) and whether it is necessary to limit the time. Different people may hold different opinions due to their own angles.

Personally speaking, I am inclined to restrict the time of watching TV since the time that belongs to a single person is surely limited. Then, too much time spent on TV will inevitably spend less time on school assignments (This reads ‘time will spend less time..’.) and even reduce your sleep hours which in turn may affect your performance in school (I thought we were supposed to discuss about school children. How does it become ‘you’?). We do not have to look very far to see the valid standpoint. Just take myself as an example. Once I have been addicted to a popular soap opera called Secret Garden (If you use the perfect tense, it means this action is possibly still going on – that you are still addicted to the soap..Just a simple ‘Once I was addicted’ will express more of what you actually mean.). Then, I spent day and night watching the soap opera and finished it at one go. During that period, I cannot focus on my studies and even cannot sleep well. Under this circumstance, it is obvious that spending too much time on TV is bad to children both physically and mentally. (This is a case of obsessive TV watching..so are you saying you should only limit TV watching if the child is obsessed? The question is not asking whether excessive TV watching is bad. It is asking whether children’s TV time should be limited. You need to address the actual question.)

Considerable though the drawbacks TV has are, it cannot (‘Cannot’ is ONE word, not two.) cover up the merit of watching TV programs. In fact, what you have learned from teachers in class is limited and there is much information and knowledge you can get from other resources such as TV programs. You may figure out the social truth (What does this mean?) in The Apprentice, get some wise suggestions about current financial situations in The Wall Street Journal (The WSJ is a newspaper, not TV. And it does not really ‘advise’ you about finance. It reports about US economics and international business rather than just finance. It’s informational, not advisory.) and acquire some mysterious problems (‘acquire problems’???) in The Discovery Channel. All this stuff weigh no less than those basic calculating formulae in school. (While I agree that all these are good TV shows, they might not all be the most suitable or accessible for ‘school children’..) You can put this information into practice directly and obtain precious experience that you may never get from school courses. (What are you trying to express with this paragraph? TV is good and useful, SO?? What’s YOUR POINT? Each paragraph of your essay should not only have a clear focus, but also a clear purpose, as to why you need to discuss this in regard to the question.)

Then, it is not to say you can dedicate all your time to those worthy programs without any restrictions. What you have learned in school is basic science.
It is the basis for you to appreciate the whole world and establish your own value for the society.(Basic science allows you to establish your own ‘value for the society’? I don’t really see how that works.) Without those necessary courses, you cannot understand other materials (If there is an ‘other’ something, there must be a ‘this’ something – so what’s your ‘this material’?) in TV programs and even common sense. One could effortlessly answer the question if what a 10-year old girl gets from the book called “The Little Prince” equals to what a 20-year old girl gets from it. (I don’t understand this sentence. What is ‘the question’? Why would you ‘equal’ understandings of two different people?) Of course not. A 10-year old girl may only get the literally meaning from the story but a 20-year old girl may find the life spirit to inspire herself. (Again, what’s the point of this paragraph? Or, in other words, what part of the question are you trying to address with this paragraph? If anything, this paragraph doesn’t even have a clear focus about what it is trying to talk about..)

In essence, by taking into account all these factors discussed above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that limiting the type (Did the question ask for this?) and the time of TV watching is necessary and reasonable for parents to let their children live a happy and healthy life. (I don’t see the conclusion coming. Only the 2nd paragraph has actually addressed this topic. The rest is simply irrelevant.)

总结：

语言用词神马啊其实还好，但基本上从第三段开始我就根本看不出你讲的东西和这个问题有任何关系了。。不用担心太多你的用词神马的，多关心一下到底应该如何写出一篇完整扣题的议论文。。

finkr_1420UID: 3026367

2# mpromanus

Maybe I do not have express my idea clearly. Then, I will list my original points in order. Can you help me check whether these points can support my argument?

1  Not restricting the time of TV watching may leads to a disordered life.

2  But can not put too much restraints on TV watching since there is some useful information shool children can get from TV programs and movies.

3  Children should strike a balance between entertainment activity say TV watching and school work since school work is the basis.

Thanks!

finkr_1420UID: 3026367

这是根据之前的评语重新修改后的文章，请指教！万分感谢！

Children are always the focus of parents. Parents spend lots of time and efforts to improve children’s performance in academic level including regulating entertainment activities. Then, many people have doubted whether the time of watching TV is inversely proportional to the performance and whether it is necessary to limit the time. Personally speaking, I am inclined to restrict the time of watching TV.

Admittedly, it is sagacious to say that school children can expend their outlooks and release the pressure accumulated in study by watching TV and movies. A good case in point in this aspect is a classic film called Forrest Gump which describes a whole life story about Gump. Gump is a mentally retarded child but good at running. Although he is very stupid and often got bullied by other children, he always sticks to his belief in life that once his mother has told him that life was a box of chocolate, you would never know what you were gonna get. Owning to the only specialty in running and his belief, his life is full of legendary events such as being a football super star, becoming a hero from the Second World War and meeting presidents several times. Gump’s life can definitely lift children’s spirits and help children know the significance of persistence.

However, it is not to say that children can indulge watching TV. It is still necessary for parents to regulate the time of TV watching for two reasons. First, school course is still the basis for students to understand materials from media resource. Then, the time that belongs to a single person is surely limited so, too much time spent on TV will inevitably leads to less time spent on school assignments which is harmful for students’ development. We do not have to look very far to see the valid standpoint. Just consider that when you whole soul to TV programs or movies, how can you still have enough time or even extra time to study. Then, you will perform poorly in basic curriculum such as literature and physics. As a result, what you are willing to enjoy is some superficial TV series that can not prompt your academic level.

Besides, too much exposure to TV will make you have bad eye sight. Look at people around you. Almost every people wear glasses just because currently lots of people spend their majority time on TV and computer for work or recreation. Under this circumstance, it seems wise for parents to restrain the time of watching TV to reduce the negative effects to the least extent if parents can not control children’s further use.

In essence, by taking into all these factors into account, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that limiting the time of watching TV is necessary for school children since children are not able to control themselves and there are some bad effects that parents can help children avoid involving.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

3# finkr_1420

> Maybe I do not have express my idea clearly. Then, I will list my original points in order. Can you help me check whether these points can support my argument?

> 1 Not restricting the time of TV watching may leads to a disordered life.

This is fine.

> 2 But can not put too much restraints on TV watching since there is some useful information shool children can get from TV programs and movies.

你原来的文章中只说明了这句话的后面一半 (there is some useful information from TV and movies)..既然你的论点是这整句话，那就把这整句话写出来就对了。。

> 3 Children should strike a balance between entertainment activity say TV watching and school work since school work is the basis.

但是你的倒数第二段说的是一本小说。。好吧这属于你所说的entertainment activity，但是题目很明确地说了是TV和movies，所以你不能随便扩大，扩大了也要记得扯回来，否则什么叫跑题，你扩大出去了回不来，这就叫跑题。。again，既然你已经有英文的论点，直接写上去就好了，用不着扭扭捏捏。。

mpromanusUID: 2565872

4# finkr_1420

Children are always the focus of their parents. Parents spend lots of time and efforts to improve children’s academic performance in academic level including regulating entertainment activities (Move this part to after ‘time and efforts’. This part explains ‘efforts’, so keep it close to ‘efforts’. The current position of this part hints that it is an explanation for ‘performance’ or ‘academic level’, while it is not. This creates confusion for the reader.). Then, many people have doubted whether the time of watching TV is inversely proportional to the performance and whether it is necessary to limit the time. Personally speaking, I am inclined to restrict the time of watching TV. (You jump from ‘regulating entertainment activities’ right to ‘limit the time of watching TV’..what is the relationship between the two?)

Admittedly, it is sagacious to say that school children can expand their outlooks (You mean, ‘widen their horizons’?) and release the pressure accumulated in study by watching TV and movies. A good case in point in this aspect is a classic film called Forrest Gump which describes the whole life story of Gump. Gump is a mentally retarded (This word and also ‘stupid’ are considered very offensive, at least in the US context. Much much more offensive than not adding ‘/she’ to ‘he’. Say ‘intellectually challenged’.) child but good at running. Although he is very stupid and often got bullied by other children, he always sticks to his belief in life that once his mother has told him that life was a box of chocolate, you would never know what you were gonna get (This is a direct quote, so put it in quotation marks ‘ ’.). Owning to the only specialty in running and his belief, his life is full of legendary events such as being a football super star, becoming a hero from the Second World War and meeting the presidents for several times. Gump’s life can definitely lift children’s spirits and help children know the significance of persistence. (Yeah sure, but I believe children can get the same story by reading the book – there is a book on Forrest Gump too, isn’t there? Forrest Gump is inspiring because of his story, not because it is a movie. So where does this prove your point about ‘TV/movies’? Think about it. Your discussion is on a straight drift like this: TV and movies (A) are good for children (B) -> (A): Forrest Gump is a classic movie, blah -> (B): Forrest Gump inspires children. In each of this ->, you’re only describing one individual part of your topic sentence. This is not logic. These are just descriptions. You have to put everything into one complete deduction: Forrest Gump is a good movie that inspires children, therefore it demonstrates watching TV/movies is good for children.)

However, it is not to say that children can indulge in watching TV. It is still necessary for parents to regulate the time of TV watching for two reasons. First, the school course is still the basis for students to understand materials from media resources. Then (Explain why you use ‘then’. ‘Then’ signals a sequence in time like ‘next’, but I can’t see why you need to use ‘then’ here.), the time that belongs to a single person is surely limited, so, too much time spent on TV will inevitably leads to less time spent on school assignments, which is harmful for students’ development. We do not have to look very far to see the valid standpoint. Just consider: when you put your whole person to TV programs or movies, how can you still have enough time or even extra time to study? (What do you mean by ‘when you whole soul to TV programs or movies’ anyway? What’s wrong with that if ‘you’ is a TV writer, director or a movie producer? Yes, you were talking about ‘students’, but here you are no longer talking about ‘students’, and your reader is free to assume who this ‘you’ is. Who should you be addressing? Who do you want to address? Who are the people in your discussion? Keep all these clear. Do not write randomly. I know this is very difficult when you have limited command of the language, but to be aware of the basic rules early is a lot better than getting stuck later on without knowing why people just can’t understand you.) Then, you will perform poorly in basic curriculum such as literature and physics. As a result, what you are willing to enjoy is some superficial TV series that cannot improve your academics level.(This directly contradicts what you said in the 2nd paragraph – if you admit that some TV programs / movies are informational, then why can you blame them all as ‘superficial’ here? Also, what is your point in this paragraph? It’s about ‘time management’. Whether the TV series are ‘superficial’ or not has nothing to do with this point. This is another trait of a lot of writings with poor logic – they are too eager to bring in ‘extra’ ideas (primarily to show off vocabulary or sentence structure), but often end up losing the grip on their original argument.)

Besides, too much exposure to TV will make you have bad eye sight (‘make’ + <somebody> + <do something> means to force <somebody> into <doing something>.It doesn’t mean to cause <somebody> to <do something>.
A normal expression of action and consequence is ‘make’ + <something> + <adjective>: ‘make your eyesight bad’. But I don’t even like this. In fact, I wish I could ban the use of such phrases, because you could almost always find a very appropriate verb for the action – ‘impair your eyesight’, for example.). Look at people around you. Almost every person wears glasses just because currently lots of people spend the majority of their majority time on TV and computers for work or recreation. Under this circumstance, it seems wise for parents to restrain the time of watching TV to reduce the negative effects to the least extent, if parents cannot control children’s further use (I don’t get what you mean by ‘further use’..).

In essence, by taking into all these factors into account, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that limiting the time of watching TV is necessary for school children since children are not able to control themselves (This is not discussed in the essay.) and there are some bad effects that parents can help children avoid acquiring.

总结：

语言上问题不太大，主要还是逻辑组织上的问题– 你经常是把你的论点句分点描述，但没有总结，比如论点句是‘A导致B’，你就描述一个A的例子，然后描述这个例子如何如何B。。这都是好的，但是你需要证明的不是‘例子导致B’，而是‘A导致B’。举例只能作为support（Use specific examples to SUPPORT your answer..），而不是作为论点本身。你在提纲中列出来的那些才是你需要支持的论点句。就像你在全文的开头和结尾都要提到你的主要论点一样，在每个段落的开头和结尾也都要落在你的分论点上，而不是停止在说完例子就可以了。