求修改作文……

tiramisuxiUID：2776186

这是我第三篇托福作文，求修改，求各种砖头，谢谢大家啦，小妹感激不尽
Do you agree or disagree with the followingstatement?
It is better for parents to encourage theirchildren to take a part-time job.

Some, holding the belief that adolescents atschool should not take part-time jobs, claim that they are supposed toconcentrate their time on study rather than do other things. I concede theiropinion. However, as for me, part-time jobs benefit these students from theaspects of enriching the work experience and improving the independent ability.Parents should encourage their children to take jobs within their abilitymaking pocket on their own.

Initially, one issue which encourages me tohold this opinion is that part-time jobs help children cultivate the ability ofindependence. For example, being a waiter or waitress spawned great advances inthe ability of taking care of themselves and other people, helping the studentslearn how to make food and how to do housework, and develop the habit of beingpolite. Similarly jobs as promotions specialist lead children understand thedifficulty of life by being rejected, force them deal with on themselves byfacing challenges along and promote their interests of studying by meeting withdifferent situations. Perhaps most importantly, however, part-time jobs helpstudents be aware of their duty, cultivate a healthy inner world and offer anrecognition of themselves and other people.

To back up my opinion, it could be relevantto include another cause that part-time jobs offer work experience to studentswhich is extraordinary important for graduates. Few would dispute that working experiencemeans more progress because these students have large range of knowledge,acquire pragmatic skills and form creative and imagination responses todifficulties. Moreover, it is widely accepted that, young people equipped withthe ability to deal with complexity obtain the upper hand in the fiercecompetition with peers when finding a job due to the constant adaptation to thecomplex surroundings. Consequently, the experience of having part-time jobsprovides more opportunities for adolescents.

Nevertheless, the requirement for studybrings certain problem. As we all know, the basic duty for students is studyingwhich calls them to pay great efforts. Indisputability, parents should emphasizethe importance of studying to their children and help them keep balance ofstudy and jobs. Only in this way can children acquire academic knowledge andpragmatic skills.

From all the evidence mentioned above comesthis natural summary that despite the importance of education, part-time jobsalso benefit these students from the aspects of enriching the work experienceand improving the independent ability.

tiramisuxiUID：2776186

好吧，木有人理我，那么求评价吧，这样子的作文在T里能拿怎样的分数？