新GRE之作文互改小组、批改点评合集（2012/07/01更新）

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

23# m7catsue
改得不错。这个水平可以得4分了。
中心论点及各段的分论点展现了清楚观点+相关根据。

要想上5分，要巩固写作基本功+优化例子。

请你明天抽空半个多钟头，改下 7 and 9 is 63【“乘”应用times 或multiply by，查下词典，巩固用法】那一段。想一个更恰当的例子。【任务1】

不明白的地方再查阅之前的文章，及前面的《段落写作》。

拓展阅读：
New book tells us how to tell it simply 【任务2，用不超过3句话概括核心内容。然后再把你的习作全文改一次，跟帖。】

tip: 当你觉得改不动时，再这样想：我改，我好好改，让BEN没办法再改动一个词。让见鬼的教师全都失业去：）

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

24# ashtray_s
谢谢老师的指点！我之前确实在审题上存在很大的偏差呀，把assessment和teaching搞混了···不过还好问题发现的早，我今天又把这篇文章的思路好好的理了一遍，也给我敲了个警钟，以后下笔之前一定要先理好思路，认真审题。看了老师的那个关于段落写作的，也觉得挺受用的，现在开始就要每天勤加练习了！【谢谢！】
这个是我改过以后的文章，希望老师能再帮我看一下。辛苦老师了！！

I agree with the speaker’s broad assertion the ability to explain the ideas, trends and concepts that facts illustrate is a good index to assess students’ learning to the extent that it serves to the ultimate goal of education, that is, to help students form their own way of thinking and value system and solve new problems independently, thus preparing themselves for their future life, which is definitely the most important character of a good assessment of students’ learning. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion while ignoring certain compelling reasons why equal emphasis should be attached to assessing students’ grasp of facts. 【本段首句及末句重复，信息不够简明。请再改写。最好把the ability...to explain...facts提炼一下，使行文更简洁。】

I concede 【你这个concession应该在首段中心论点表达。此处“直接”写出本段main point就好。改写。】 that the speaker is on the correct philosophical side of the issue for the reason 【meaningless的大词多余删掉，要"specific" supporting main point】 that basing students’ learning on their ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that facts illustrate would encourage students to go deep into the facts and develop their creativity. Let us get down to the fundamentals and agree that the ability to explain ideas, trends and concepts is actually the ability of extensive thinking and the ability to utilize their knowledge to solve new problems, which is indispensable for their future life. Basing students’ learning simply on their grasp of facts, however, would deter students and even their teachers from discussing further beneath the facts. For example, a history teacher is quite likely to just go over the textbook for the students and the students learn no more than the bare facts like a short guy called Napoleon led a revolution and was finally killed, while setting aside such issues as the personality of Napoleon, the reasons why he failed and what can we learn from his life—just because none of these would have any bearing on the assessment of their learning. How, if it possible, could we count on such students raise any new questions and form their own judgment and value system? Not to mention the critical thinking ability which is called for in any creative work.【把主题句清晰表达，再把例子relate to the main point。改写得简明些。】

Important as such ability is, the speaker's assertion 【直接写出“你的”main point，不要再提the speaker】is troubling in two aspects as well. On one hand, this argument flies in the face of those young children who are still receiving primary education. Becoming educated is a process. Some tools we need for acquiring and analyzing facts must be memorized. How could we count on a 3-year child who doesn’t even memorize ABCs to appreciate the essence of etymology? Thus, the assessment based on the ability to explain is meaningless for a young child who is still acquiring basic reading skills. The facts and rules that we memorize are the hooks in the cupboards on our minds where we hang new information and the assessment of our grasp of facts is the assessment of how solid our foundation is to build our own empire of knowledge, which is undoubtedly indispensable.

On the other hand, it is sometimes difficult to make a universal standard to assess students' learning based on their ability to explain the ideas, trends and concepts that the facts illustrate. 【这个main point较清楚。可以再改写下。】There are thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes. Based on different backgrounds and personalities, students would certainly have different explanations on the same fact and educators could hardly tell exactly whether they are right or wrong. Moreover, such assessment would even strangle students' creativity if not made properly. For example, Most Chinese students have learnt never to challenge the authority since they were a child because that's not the expected answer, otherwise they would be given low score. 【这个例子“直接”支持你的观点吗？】Such assessments, if I have to say, is even worse than basing students' learning on the grasp of fact for the reason that the latter one is just make students lazy to think, the previous one, however, is make them dare not think.

It is therefore my opinion【当然全文都是你的opinion，多余删去。观点要直接写出来。别写赘语】 that in order to fulfill the ultimate goal of education, the assessment of students’ learning should be based on both their grasp of facts and their ability to explain the ideas, trends and concepts these facts illustrate.【改写一下，不要主要照抄题目用语】

改得不错。这个水平可以“接近”4分了。（原因是中心论点不够清晰）
中心论点及各段的分论点展现了清楚观点+相关根据。


要想上5分，要巩固写作基本功+优化例子。


改写论点句及例子，建立直接联系。【任务1】


不明白的地方再查阅之前的文章，及前面的《段落写作》。


拓展阅读：
New book tells us how to tell it simply 【任务2，用不超过3句话概括核心内容。然后再把你的习作全文改一次，跟帖。】


tip: 当你觉得改不动时，再这样想：我改，我好好改，让BEN没办法再改动一个词。让见鬼的教师全都失业去：）

van19UID: 3044373

32# panmingming2008
BEN老师您好，我想问一个问题，就是说针对同一个issue题干的不同文法，在写作时应注意点什么？也就是说应该写作时突出什么区别，因为我感觉前面的习作好像没有突出问题那个recommendation的要求（我自己也不太明白，我的理解就是分不同情况分析什么情况下这个建议应该被采用，即利大于弊；什么情况下这个建议不应该被采用，这是我对那个circumstance的理解），我感觉前面有几篇习作都没突出这点，不知道是我的理解不对还是说真的有这个必要针对不同问法写，请您指正，谢谢！

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

33# van19

【

分不同情况分析什么情况下这个建议应该被采用，即利大于弊；什么情况下这个建议不应该被采用，这是我对那个circumstance的理解）

】

同学你好，你的理解是正确的。OG及Ets.org/gre官网上的写作要求也强调。即是在对prompt（题干）理解的基础上，去分情况讨论某个policy或recommendation的适用性（即Instruction，大陆译为写作-要求，港台译为题目-指令）。这也是题干的complexity的意义：没有“right answer”，从不同的角度有不同的判断，而考生要做的就是“更全面一些”，利弊兼顾，陈明利害。举例来说，比如政客封锁信息是否合理的题目，要求考虑哪些情况有利哪种情况下有害；分析思路也逃不脱关于国防国家安全机密要保密，而一般情况下依法公开，以保障公民的知情权；可以提到不同情况下若滥用会有什么后果等等。（有些同学担心这种思路千篇一律，其实只要不去照抄，每个考生的知识背景不同，例子也会不同，语言的流畅程度不同；最后的score也有差异。这不是考查学术创新，只是考查学术研究要用到的基本技能。而是否决定录取，还要考虑其他因素，有好的思考方法或语言基础你可以应用到personal statement写作中，加上一些创意，就可以stand out from hundreds of applicants。）考查的是思考的全面（加一点点深刻）及表达的清晰。考查重点是批判思考技能。ETS的预设是受过大学基础教育、语言良好的美国学生。（这就是美国人的公平equity。而对于中国考生好像“苛刻”了。而有勇气参与开放竞争的学生一定会加倍努力弥合这个语言及思维落差。你想想，你要投的学术论文是要匿名peer review【或译"同行盲审"】的，你的表达不清楚、优秀思想出不来，怪谁呢？评审人看不到你的背景的。这就是equity。似乎也有些苛刻了。而有勇气参与开放竞争的学生一定会加倍努力弥合这个文化落差。


TOEFL写作主要是看是否能准确表达一个观点，并用理由、细节充分展开并支持。可以一边倒。考查重点是语言的proficiency（熟练程度）。ETS的预设是没有良好语言基础的母语非英语的外国学生。


这是GRE写作（研究生院学术写作的预演）跟TOEFL写作（语言基本技能、基本沟通技能评估）的差别。





源地址（Page 11）

我在这里批改的重点是写作基础：“清楚表达一个观点，并用相关（合适）的理由、例子去支持”。把基本功打好后，转向“instruction”的匹配会好很多。
要考虑的学生一次不能消化吸收太多内容，循序渐进。

谢谢你的提问。

BEN
写于午饭时间

ashtray_sUID: 3008202

I agree with the speaker’s broad assertion that the ability to explain the ideas, trends and concepts that facts illustrate—the ability of deep comprehension and use of knowledge, is a good index to assess students’ learning. However, the speaker unnecessarily extends this broad assertion while ignoring certain compelling reasons why equal emphasis should be attached to assessing students’grasp of facts.

Basing the assessment of students’ learning on their ability of comprehension and use of knowledge would encourage students grasp the significance of learning. Assessment often acts as an impetus of students’ learning and it directs students what they should aim at. For example, when learning the battle of Waterloo, a history teacher would lead his/her students to discuss such issues as the personality of Napoleon, the reasons why he failed and what can we learn from his life—at least out of concern about the assessment. And in these issues just lies the significance of our history learning—learn to judge and learn the good qualities from heroes ,thus form our value system, which is the precondition of a responsible citizen. If, however, the assessment of students’ learning is based merely on the grasp of facts, it is quite likely that the students learn no more than the bare facts like a short guy called Napoleon led a war in Waterloo in 1815 but failed. How, if it possible, could we count such students to tell what is good or bad? Not to mention take the responsibility to our society.

Important as the ability of comprehension and use of knowledge is, this argument flies in the face of those young children who are still receiving primary education. Becoming educated is a process. Some tools we need for acquiring and analyzing facts must be memorized. How could we count on a 3-year child who doesn’t even memorize ABCs to appreciate the essence of etymology? Thus, the assessment based on the ability to explain is meaningless for a young child who is still acquiring basic reading skills. The facts and rules that we memorize are the hooks in the cupboards on our minds where we hang new information and the assessment of our grasp of facts is the assessment of how solid our foundation is to build our own empire of knowledge, which is undoubtedly indispensable.

Additionally, the assessment based on such ability would even strangle students' creativity if not made properly. After all, it is sometimes difficult for our educators to make a universal standard to assess students' learning based on their ability of comprehension and use of knowledge. There are a thousand Hamlets in a thousand people's eyes. Based on different backgrounds and personalities, students would certainly have different explanations on the same fact. When students are denied their explanation and forced to accept the “right answer”, they are discouraged to think in their own way. For example, many Chinese students have learnt to say what the authority say, because they would be given low score if they express any different voice. As a result, all the students just give the same answer, the expected “right” answer. Is this what our educators want? When a student gets used to this, he would be no more than a follower. Thus, how could we expect new voices and new ideas from them? Such assessments, if I have to say, is even worse than basing students' learning on the grasp of fact for the reason that the latter one is just make students lazy to think, the previous one, however, is make them dare not think.

In sum, the ultimate goal of our education is to help students form their own way of thinking and value system and solve new problems independently, thus preparing themselves for their future life. In order to fulfill this task, the assessment of students’ learning should be based on both their grasp of facts and their ability to go beneath the fact for further comprehension and explanation of knowledge.

那天讨论完之后我看我再看我这之前写的就都觉得想直接扔进厕所里···
今天按老师说的好好改了一遍，比第一次写的时候感觉好多了，确实把主题始终放在心中比较有利于思维的发展和连贯性~
老师说几个问题里面好几个都是从北美范文里面看到的模板句型，像什么the speaker's assertion， philosophical side, blablabla````这些都不能用吗？

amber_cUID: 3131341

BEN老师，我已经跟帖上传第三次修改的作业
请老师再抽空看看！
谢谢老师！

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

BEN老师，我已经跟帖上传第三次修改的作业
请老师再抽空看看！
谢谢老师！
amber_c 发表于 2011-8-29 10:08

已点评。【第8楼】

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

4# FutureChao

Nations should suspend government funding for the arts when significant numbers of their citizens are hungry or unemployed.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

这道ISSUE题目属于公共政策/建议类型，因而要考虑三个要素NEED, PLAN, PRACTICALITY。
就本例而言，“政府是否要暂缓艺术资助？”应是核心问题，随之要考虑哪些情况下暂缓资助是合理的，题目给出了一个条件，即“大部分民众挨饿或失业”。

破解了题目，然后结合instruction，分析题目给出的条件是否充分、必要。罗列出可能的情况（brainstorming）：

政府基本职能是提供公共服务，也包括资助艺术，资助方式有许多，比如资助成名艺术家，未成名年轻艺术作者；资助美术馆所、专业；资助中小学艺术通识教育；资助表演团体...

正常时期，政府应当按财力、艺术项目保存或发展需求合理安排财政预算，发挥效用，平衡艺术家创作资助与大众艺术需求资助等等。

非正常时期又可分为经济实力不济，及经济衰退。
在经济实力及政府财政有限的情况下，要考虑哪些项目具有优先性。吃饭问题及就业问题应优先；艺术预算不会太多，危机时可能考虑削减，就像当前经济危机一样美国、英国政府直接削减了一些项目（尽管相关艺术团体抗议）。并且由于政府减少了学校预算，迫使学校也得裁撤一些艺术项目或减少对学生艺术项目的资助--这是受制于政府拨款的一链条的影响。

如果问题实在太严重，那就可能要suspend，直到渡过经济危机，经济回复才重启。只有这种情况下，题目的条件-结论（政策决策）才成立。


【大家试试多角色代入及转换role reversal，想想哪些人群会受到政府该政策的影响，若你是某群体一员，你会如何反应？之后从政策制定者角度综合。政府就是要考虑各方利益诉求，再制定出较合理的政策，妥协平衡，也要抓住关键。】

然后比较、按重要性排序。（这一步省略，以上内容仅供同学参考。大家可以用相关key words在google.com搜索。这是英美小学生的research的基本训练。）

analytical writing 的一个要点是analytical，可以把题目提到的概念或论题break down，进行限定或细化，否则论证围绕大名词，难举例，也讨论不深入。
相信写过论文，或较严谨的学期论文的同学可能了解，下面的三个题目哪个可以用四五百字作简短阐释，哪个更可能用3000词论述清楚，哪个可能需要一本300，000词以上才能从皮毛深入实质地分析透彻：

1. 论中国法治

2. 刍议“亲亲相隐”原则在我国刑事证据规则应用中的问题及对策

3.（笔者认为，）在下列情况下，法律有必要规定犯罪嫌疑人的直系亲属有权拒绝出庭作证。

以上三个例子说明，面对某难题无从下手，往往可能并非学生的能力问题，而是方法问题，需要把”大“难题分解为”小“问题，可以下手的小问题，再去按相关概念搜集资料就容易多了。而且小问题是大难题的”子集“，不会跑题，而是深入到具体情况下分析展开；就像面对一杯牛奶，无从下嘴（题目要求是开口分析牛奶有无营养价值，不是饮用！），考生就可以从配料表看看成分，或用仪器测定下具体成分，细分各成分的利害或人体吸收情况，而不是转而解剖奶牛（cow）。

本篇小文开头提到，公共政策/建议议题，要考虑三个要素NEED, PLAN, PRACTICALITY。
就本道ISSUE题而言，若该政策真的执行，会影响到哪些人群，谁受损，谁得利，是否”人道“...这是政府必须考虑、权衡利弊，以便在保障公众基本生存权利的前提下实现公共福利的最大化与福利品质的提升（艺术福利应算是高阶福利）。

有没有NEED；若有，需要什么样的PLAN去满足，是要制定新政策，还是改变旧政策；还得考虑计划（指政策内容）的可行性（practicality），若可靠会产生什么有利效果，若不可行是由于会产生什么样的不利后果。（完）

---------------------

又补（postscript）：

【对于政策、建议类题目，举例宜举现代当代例子，不用或几乎不用“老白死”例子，关键是要有可比性，对今日或当前的政策制定有重要参考价值，把笔墨落在分析政策背景，相关利益及涉及的人群，政策变动的可能后果（或预防措施）等。最近几年为佳，尽量在最近一百年。若把政策类例子举到唐代或中世纪的欧洲，恐怕对于今日的政策制定者没有什么参考意义，对于读者而言，也不太有说服力。“这都哪跟哪？”“能比吗，有可比性吗？”“那个时候也还没有现代意义上的权力分立制衡的政府，更多的是君王偏好说了算吧，哪有现代意义上的公共政策？”读者的这些可能存在的质疑是需要作者考虑的。】

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

castroite 在 2011-8-31 22:59 发布的帖子中提问：

作为一个民主国家考试，GRE作文里如果评价民族性格会不会零分？

如果主张一个民族拥有某些遗传性特性，会不会被认为是种族主义，纳粹主义。比如分析的时候说，分析因为中国人不勇敢，一个事情在中国会BLABLABLA，而在美国，因为美国人民勇敢，敢于冒风险向政府提要求，所以会BLABLABLA，这样的文章会不会被认为是纳粹主义，零分？

BEN回复：

首先，这是对某一族群的sterotype ..，（或可译为”刻板印象“）是一种常见的思维谬误。a critical thinker应极力避免。

在观点”标新立异“很鲜明时，的确要考虑到reader的可能反应。此其二。 【若把以上引用内容改写成一道argument题目，正是深受广大考生喜欢的”hasty generalization谬误, not typical; an assumption lack of sufficient evidence to support“。之后再用这样偏颇的说法作为前提依据去推导，得出的结论也可疑。 在argument指出别人的谬误是相对容易的，横竖是别人的嘛；而要在issue里面避免类似的谬误，难！不由自主地就犯了。（算不算双重标准：对人严苛，对己苟且--只有拼词数、凑几个要点及例子就行？）若无反思改进，栽在ETS阅卷人的老刀下也是”死“得其所，”死“有余辜。】

其三，楼主的说法不够严谨，中国人，美国人--这些是很大的概念或名词，有许多需要进一步界定的子概念或子名词。中国人里面按民族来分有许多民族，美国人里边按来源国分有许多渊源、按种族分又是好几个种族。你所说的勇敢是什么意思？你有什么根据？若你没有提供根据，你就把这个论断作为随后其他论断的前提，继续去推理，是很成问题的。再者，情境（context or situation）问题，什么样的情境下怎么做才算是勇敢，以及一个美国人所做与一个中国人所做的事情有可比性吗？即使可比，这两个人的例子足够典型（typical）以致于能代表全体中国人或全体美国人吗？你下了一个很大的论断，大到你很难去验证（这是学术要求，GRE写作类似于学术写作，总要立论提根据，根据要严谨可靠些）。

我们看美剧或看书得到的一些表层印象（如某某群体有生意头脑，某某群体更擅长体育，某某群体智商高于其他族群），这些都不太可靠，只是一个浅层的结论--聊天时可以作为聊天话题发散想象，万勿作为中心论点去立论---太大，可以细分出许多小结论--要全面证明很费劲。

结论，就GRE写作而言，尽量针对题目及具体要求下小的结论，提供可靠的证据。避免在小的论述里面插入大的论述，引起读者的质疑，节外生枝。

m7catsueUID: 3040890

31# panmingming2008
前几天准备开学返校的事情。。今天才看到ben老师的批复啊。。。
嗯。。我先去把那个文章看了。。明天把上回那个issue给改了。。
多谢ben老师的回复~~

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

源地址链接 （30楼）

Should we spend resources saving endangered species? I believe no one would oppose this suggestion. But to what extent should we try to save endangered species at the price of people’s time, jobs and financial well-being? From my perspective, society should make efforts to maintain biodiversity and save species whose existence is under the threat of human activities according to the current financial and technological capacities.

While we are trying to save lives of endangered species, the society’s financial and technological capacities also need to be taken into consideration. Though it is a noble goal to save lives and maintain the biodiversity of the earth, we have to set limitations on our possible actions. Due to the finite financial and technological capacities it is neither possible nor provident to try to save all endangered species around the world especially those which are to be eliminated by the process of natural selection. The only sensible solution in my opinion is to first save those relatively important species directly in the food chain at which we are on the top.(这句话意思不通吧？food chain at which we are on the top是指啥？）. Our ultimate objective of saving endangered species is to maintain the biodiversity of the ecosystem in which we live, thus protecting ourselves. We should try to save those endangered species and at the same time also try to maintain the current level of financial well-being, because only in this way can we rally support from the public to carry out the policy. Although it is hard to balance, this is the ideal condition we are supposed to attain.
[这一段提到了经济援助的度的问题。但是感觉论证很浅很浅。说了：要注意度；要拯救那些处于食物链顶端的生物, 要协调好关系，拯救他们对自己也有好处。但是，好空，一个具体的例子也没有啊。]

...
【以上批改by onco(玉米)同学】
）

BEN评论
首段的中心论点写得很好。
第二段需要例子，or else Dear Reader will be lost in your vague and lengthy reasoning without concrete reason(s).

一个好例远远胜于千言万语的喋喋不休的论述。
【a good example >>>>>> thousands of words】

什么是好例？

与论点有关，典型-- 例子表达的意思正是你的论点想要illustrate的。

那么，什么是illustrate?
illustrate：
to make the meaning of sth clearer by using examples, pictures, etc. (牛津高阶学习词典)
或

a : to make clear : clarify
b : to make clear by giving or by serving as an example or instance
（http://m-w.com/）

例句：To illustrate my point, let me tell you a little story.

下面是问答内容

Q:"我也想举例子，举不出来呀。。。所以才干巴巴的说。。
例子积累不足，而且有些平时不怎么接触的领域更少。。
要背例子了！！"
m7catsue 发表于 2011-9-17 14:02

A:
不要“背”，
要做research，
当你搜索几个例子，并且评估（判断）哪个更切合自己的论点（想要表达的思想）后，
这个例子就记住了。（先评估-理解，有助于记忆）

不要逐字记例子的词句，记住大概内容即可-- 你可以用自己的词句来表达。
（结合论点来适当改写，使例子能恰当地把论点解释清楚）

-------------
举例：比如前两天的保护濒危物种issue，大家可用英文（ENGLISH!!!）关键词“endangered species”（其他相关词也可以的），就搜出(google)相关内容，然后从中选择几个reliable sites(比如世界野生动物保护组织网站)，了解一下保护现状及存在问题--然后决定论点，及选择合适的例子。

【没有人什么都懂，有些陌生的议题要花点时间做re-search,做一次都会长见识。】

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

5.5适合作为入门使用。 最终还是要回归到研习ETS官方范文+勤奋练习+认真批改上的。 苏梳眠 发表于 2011-9-16 22:53 “研习ETS官方范文+勤奋练习+认真批改”（说得简明and to the point） + 怀疑-反思-立论（评价训练） 也即运用批判思维的独立构建推理的过程， instead of accepting the claim(& reasons) passively （vs.上面的反思与立论是一个主动过程） 在G写作训练中逐步找到自己的思考角度与分析方法，Find your true voice. 学术研究是一个求真（truth-seeking）的过程，扎实的学术训练基础+个人的独特视角-->通向新发现。 ----------------------- （孔子说了什么，爱因斯坦说过什么--这些说法大都有局限[某时某地的有限适用范围]，不必屈服于“权威”而且“权威”都是过去时。专家的“权威”地位来自同行对其过去所做出成就的认可与推介。年轻人无需膜拜这些专家，对于他们的理论，也不妨运用批判思维来评估，看看哪些部分可以接受，哪些地方有不足（即没有充分理由、可靠证据来支持的某个论断conclusion，无法说服“我”）。） 【本文源地址链接(板凳)】

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

.

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

[quote][/quote]

We recommend thatMonarch Books open a café in its store[结论]. Monarch, having been in business at thesame location for more than twenty years, has a large customer base because itis known for its wide selection of books on all subjects【证据1】. Clearly, opening thecafé would attract more customers.【论断1】 Space could be made for the café bydiscontinuing the children's book section【证据2】, which will probably become lesspopular given that the most recent national census【证据3】 indicated a significantdecline in the percentage of the population under age ten【论断2+假设1】. Opening a café willallow Monarch to attract more customers 【重述论断1】and better compete with Regal Book【论断3】s,which recently opened its own café


------
苏小柚解惑：
官方指南说：
In reading the argument, you should pay special attention to:
what is offered as evidence, support or proof
what is explicitly stated, claimed or concluded
what is assumed or supposed, perhaps without justification or proof
what is not stated, but necessarily follows from what is stated   【作者你指出了结论和证据1，但是你觉得它们“没有关系”】
In addition, you should consider the structure of the argument【证据1不是直接与结论产生联系。实际上，证据1是作为论断1的前提--即M书店有“购书”客户基础，这些“购书”客户会转化为“咖啡消费”客户 。】 — the way in which these elements are linked together to form a line of reasoning; i.e., you should recognize the separate, sometimes implicit steps in the thinking process and consider whether the movement from each step to the next is logically sound【各证据构成一个推理链条，证据a-->论断1+论断2..3.（由证据2..3支撑）+假设X..Y..--> （最终）结论。】. In tracing this line, look for transition words and phrases that suggest the author is attempting to make a logical connection (e.g., however, thus, therefore, evidently, hence, in conclusion).



综合上面的分析可知，证据1貌似与结论没有联系，但是证据1为论断1提供support/evidence，最终为论断推出结论打下前提基础。

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1313836-1-1.html

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

本文源文见于：https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1314925&page=1&extra=#pid1775556121 （板凳楼）

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刚知道需要重考GRE,报了1月份的名，希望能找到同伴一起复习，改作文。看到这个帖子，就先写了个Issue，第一次练习，用的新GRE倒计时作文练习工具。希望能跟大家多交流。源地址【6楼】

【开始--论点】 Based on my personal experience and knowledge,long-term, realistic goal is an orientation in our lives which direct us to move forward. However, immediate fame and recognition is critical for young people to attain success and happiness as well.Therefore, I cannot agree with the statement above.

【1主题句--分论点及论据】The life is a journey and it is reasonable the orientation is critical for the young people to move on. It is fantastic that if a young person can set a long-term goal which is feasible and practical. It is like a light ahead, and you will not be lost and waste time on the detour. 【前解释--后例子（理由与证据）】For example, I have a very good college friend, she set up her long-term goal when she entered the college as a freshman which is to be a faculty in a university in the future. This goal directed her study and research in the following en years as a undergraduate student and a graduate student. She spent enormous time in the library and applied to join in professor's project teem to accumulate research experience when she was only an sophomore. She applied PhD when other students were busy with hunting a job. Her papers got published in famous journals and she gained a faculty in the Beijing Forest University after she graduated from Peking University with a PhD degree. I am certain that, the long-term goal she made ten years before directed her conduction and selection. When young people set a long term and realistic goal, they will not be confused in front of abundant choices and lures and consequently be lost. Additionally, when a long-term goal can be narrowed down sub-objectives in each session and then, you will get to know what need to do in each step.【解释2-例子】 For example, my long term goal is to be a Mathematics teacher, and then, and then I can clearly know what is necessary to find a position as a mathematics teacher in K-12 schools. First, I need a certificate. Second, I need internship experience as a teacher as much as possible. Based on these two, I will have a clue in my college study regarding course selection and internship application.

Therefore, I agree that, young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term goals which will is essential for young people to find out the way to move on and avoid detour.

【2主题句-分论点】Nevertheless that I agree the long-term feasible goal is critical for young people, standing on my perspective, immediate fame and recognition is worthing pursuing and endeavor as well. It is compelling that long-term goal is significant in our life to guide us, however, it is difficult to set a long-term realistic goal when we are young. As a youth, we lack sufficient experience and information to decide what we really want to do in the future very clearly. The world is changeable and people's thought, favors, interest changes in different period of the life as well. So, for most young people, it is not very necessary for them to set a long-term goal when they are only a high school student or college student. It happens to many people that, many years later, they found what they are pursuing is not the real thing they are passionate. Oppositely, I do encourage young people who cannot clarify their real interest and future career path to try different things and pursue immediate fame and recognition because from which, they can gain a lot pertaining to two aspects. First, pursuing immediate recognition can help student identify if they are interested in this field. 【解释--例子】For example, the founder of the biggest social networking site facebook, Mark Zarkburger,when he began to build the facebook website, he didn't have a blue picture to found a valuable company. He just intended to fulfill some idea and to get some recognition from friends and students in Harvard. This immediate recognition drove him to be an entrepreneur and create a legend in the business. Therefore, immediate fame and recognition deserve trying since it is an opportunity for young people to learn a new area and to figure out their passion and interest.

Secondly, immediate fame and recognition can provide young people motivation and confidence to face up confusion and challenges in the journey of life. 【解释2--例子】Take an example with my own experience. When I was in the college, I participated in several business creativity competition. This competition last only two months but the reward I gained have support me spiritually for a long time. Whenever I encounter difficulties and hardship, I recalled this sort of experience and I told myself that, I am capable to make it. The fame and recognition from the short-term goal gives us unexpected encouragement and motivation in some sense.

The conclusion drawn from the reasons listed above, I don't support the statement that young people should be encouraged to pursue long-term realistic goals rather than seek immediate fame and recognition【结尾段重述中心论点--应用肯定句重述立场--而不是用否定句“I don't support...”】. For a few of lucky young people who successfully find their goals and interest at a young age, that is perfect because this long-term goal will provides them clear direction and guidance. However, for most young people whose long-term goal and interests are not for sure at a young age, immediate fame and recognition is significant to help them find a way and the joy of the life.

总评：
考虑scoring guide评分要点：
论点
论据--展开
连贯--过渡、连接
语言（词、句）

这个功底能拿稳4分了。但考虑到考试时的题目随机性，需要对一些难题多加练习--解决了难题就把“遇到难题没有思路论据--从而得3分或以下” 的机率降低到几乎为0.

你是否念研究生了，也读了不少英文论文或图书吧，你的写作论点突出，很理有据（就是解释+例子）--这是学术写作的基本结构。
可以提升的地方是“解释”部分精简下，更简洁明了。因为解释是从论点到论据（例子）的中间环节，是承接--简明为要。it's ok to illustrate you point or sub-point with an example or examples. 考虑到读者的话，具体“典型”的例子比抽象“一般”的解释要容易理解。

AW强调两点:
1.cogency--论点思考要周全深入，论据充分--- 可以对应purpose-- 思想探究
2.clarity   --语言写作（表达）清楚明白      --- 可以对应audience--思想传达-->要让人明白

我对你期望高（我对自己期望也高），就鸡蛋里挑石头，希望你能再精简一下文章。能用较少的文字表达而无损意思的完整，这是对写作、思考的一个提炼。