新GRE之作文互改小组、批改点评合集（2012/07/01更新）

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

新GRE作文题库+题号 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=1314967

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作文互改、点评合集修订版序言

【NINE小组成员有几个成员在2011年底前考完GRE，写作达4分及4分以上。（不排除有个别同学没有拿到满意成绩没有报分。当然有几名成员没有坚持提交作业后失去联系，没有展示结果。--以QQ作文互改小组群粗略统计为准） 前后总共有十多次的写作练习[（A+I）算一次]也有在线讨论，本着对事实的尊重与面对真理（逼近而非自居），互相点评、引申例子，从而丰富了讨论的内容。有二三次从九点前后在线（online）讨论到午夜。Z同学（未经同意，隐去姓名）为了安宁【班上同学在宿舍”游戏“人生，难以与这种轻松低智的诱惑与喧哗共处】，晚上到校图书馆研习GRE，遇到在线讨论，就上线。待到图书馆打烊，就在QQ上通知各位同仁“图书馆闭馆了”，回到宿舍继续上线讨论，直到人困（精）神乏。之后睡觉大吉。在“CARPE DIEM (seize the day)”的意犹未尽、睡眠不足的“充实感”中，进入梦乡并期待“Tomorrow is another day”。

我说：呵呵，好像今年Thanksgiving day的主题是：感谢自己！为每个人自己的一年拍拍掌。
还打趣道：最重要的是：为北韩Kim Jone Il同志近日顺利拿到[2012]船票干杯！（彼时，正恩小弟还未继位登基】

愿本集文章能为备考同学注入一丝inspiration，我心足已。
聊聊电影与诗歌。电影Invictus*中南非民权领袖曼德拉在狱中吟诵英国诗人 William Ernest Henley (1849–1903)的诗篇“Invictus"中诗句：
“I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul ”  【各位可以自主搜电影与原诗欣赏或研习】

是的，”我“是我人生的主角，”我“的幸福”我“做主。东张西望干什么，说的就是你！！！

须知，幸福人生的要旨是尽其在我。

*（英文原意为不可战胜。有人译为“永不屈服”或“成事在人”或”不败雄心“或”打不倒的勇者（台湾版）“）

现在是2012年3月，悟到天地间数百万年迄今，人来人往数以百亿计，”我“能在什么方面与众不同，决不至于随俗沉浮，”WHAT KIND OF LIFE SHOULD BE WORTH LIVING?" 这个问题伴随我的思考与行动。“I leave when the pub closes，"丘吉尔被人问到如何面对死亡时这样说。拉拉杂杂，扯到此处，我也该收摊回家了。（2012、03、19MON记）

==============以下为正文===============以下为正文=============

更新列表（按发表时间倒序排列）
GRE写作“官方范文”：不“官”不“范”[2012年3月17日SAT录入]

应从何种角度来评估学生的学习效果？ISSUE 92 [2012年3月17日SATurday迁移]


ARGUMENT TASK--类别：alternative explanation- 举例#122 【点链接“沙发”层】

ISSUE TASK #108 critical judgment of work & expert 【点链接“沙发”层】

42楼 G作文备考“简明”方法
41楼 如何运用例证（illustration）？

39楼 刻板印象是思维谬误

38楼 政府”艺术“政策类解法（31日）
....

##请各位同学先看前面的帖子，大部分会有答案。如果没有找到，可以在下面跟帖提问（要勇于提问，don't be afraid to ask dumb questions. ）##

11-DEC-10 SATURDAY ADD: 发帖或表达指南

归纳一下有三点：       1： 帖子的标题要规范；       2： 为了节约大家的时间，文章要带上提纲（中英文都行）；       3： 同样为了节约大家的时间，文章要齐整。 养成表达（口语+写作）层次分明、意思清晰的好习惯。 这样，大家的交流互动会有更高效率，节约时间和精力成本。 谢谢各位啦！

写作时也是一样，要考虑到audience和purpose。受众当然是阅卷人或其他读者，目的是persuasion【参见GRE官方指南AW section相关内容】，尽量把论点表达清楚，有扎实、明确的论据支持--这样有理有据，才能让人信服。
AUTHORED BY BEN
----------------------------
---------------------------
前言


NINE小组已经提交了第七次习作，很让我感动。
互联网的好处是提供了人们自由分享与交流的便捷平台，网民很容易就可以在博客、论坛上找到志同道合的人讨论。NINE小组成员很好地运用了这点优势。



互相批改有好处，能指出对方语言表达方面的错误或不足；另外成员的写作水平相当，彼此之间不会有太大的心理压力。



不足之处是成员几乎都是写作新手，也没有受过系统、有效的写作训练，因而很难在观点表达、层次结构方面提出有效的批改意见。

此外就是受到某些培训资料的“误导”，反映在同学习作中的是用词、句子或例子上趋同、狭窄。为什么有这么多的习作对“admittedly”情有独钟？为什么例子与观点没有直接的联系？人的思想本该参差多样，而作出的判断或结论也本应有理有据。



人，生来就有创造力。每个人都有。也许有人说中国、日本是缺乏创造力的民族，中国人的创造力比不上美国人。你信吗？反正我不信。问问你的父母亲，当你五岁的时候，是不是已经琢磨并做一些前所未有、从未做过的小玩意了。只是后来有内外的力量扼止或遮盖了这些创造力而已。现在，我们需要运用创造力来写作！！！



提交习作的同学都是好孩子。我们一起出发吧。



P.S. 大家可以搜索《新GRE写作：段落写作》，这篇文章批改了lovetian同学的一个段落，并说明了段落的结构与写作方法，还有批改方法（参考标准）。你们不会失望的。Go to basics: 回到主题句及段落等写作基本功。

引用方法

请看这个帖子，会帮到你的。
写作-修改-再写作-->Score!
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1298281-1-1.html
TITLE: GRE写作理论与批改by Ben

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

正文

ISSUE 92

Educators should base their assessment of students' learning not on students' grasp of facts but on the ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the
recommendation
and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position

中心论点：应从何种角度来评估学生的学习效果：背记枯燥的事实 or 解释（分析）能力



注意：评估（assessment）不等同于教学（teaching）



正方：Educators should base their assessment of students' learning on the ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.
辩护理由：
1. 一个好的评估标准应该与教育目标吻合，能让学生获得良好的思考与灵活应用能力，适应职业上的需要，以及未来人生的挑战。
2. 依据学生对概念、趋势的解释能力，能更好的反映学生对知识的实际掌握，并且将知识灵活应用到生活或工作中去。
3. 如果只是测试评估学生对僵硬事实的熟悉程度，那么就会鼓励死记硬背（rote learning）、扼杀创造力。

反方：Educator should base their assessment of students' learning on students' grasp of facts.





辩护理由：
1. 测试学生对事实的掌握程度，标准统一、客观准确、可测量。
2. 对于概念、趋势的解释能力的要求，有些理想化，但是不同学生有不同看法，难以用统一的标准来衡量，难于比较。
3. 对于事实的掌握是解释分析能力的基础，尤其是对于低年级学生而言。教育者应把重点放在掌握事实的基础知识上，而且也便于测试评估。





读者可以从原题提取两种针锋相对的立场，（想象自己是法庭上的律师，或是擂台上的辩手）竭尽全力为其中一方立场辩护。之后切换到另一方立场辩护并反驳。通过这样的立场转换，可以磨炼读者的思考技能，就是要考虑双方面的利弊得失，绝不能只站在单方面的角度去看问题。真正开放的政策辩论与学术讨论，参与者除了发表自己的意见，还得倾听他人的“异”见--不同见解：一方面挖空心思去为自己辩护，另一方面也要吸取对方论点的长处。如此才能这才是像样的理性讨论，而不是意气之争。



【提供正反双方的意见，使赞成与反对都有充分发展的空间，目的是为了使同学们的思考更加开放，目光更加敏锐。在实际的应试写作中还可以持第三种立场--综合双方意见的利弊得失，采取平衡观点。世界很大很复杂，几乎任何事物都是多面体，作为人，要探寻真相、真理，就要尽可能从多个角度思考，这样才能得出相对准确的判断。】


OG （官方指南）3-4分评分标准
Score 4In addressing the specific task directions, a 4 paper presents a competent analysis of the issue and conveys meaning with acceptable clarity.较充分且可以接受的清晰意义
A typical paper in this category exhibits the following characteristics:
1.
It presents a clear position on the issue in accordance with the assigned task.
2.
It develops the position with
relevant reasons and/or examples. [relevant: logical/directly connected with the subject]



逻辑相关（分论点要说的道理 vs.所举事例 此两物理是否相关或无关）




3.
It is adequately focused and organized.
4.
It demonstrates sufficient control of language to express ideas with reasonable clarity.
5.
It generally demonstrates control of the conventions of standard written English but may have some errors.
______________________________________

Score 3
A 3 paper demonstrates some competence in addressing the specific task directions, in analyzing the issue, and in conveying meaning but is obviously flawed明显漏洞或缺陷.
A typical paper in this category exhibits ONE OR MORE一个足够of the following characteristics:  【语言制约逻辑】
1.
It is vague or limited in addressing the specific task directions and in presenting or developing a position on the issue.审题与析题要用些心思并立论清楚。
2.
It is weak in the use of relevant
reasons or examples, or relies largely on unsupported claims. 理由或例子要相关
3.
It is poorly focused and/or poorly organized. 始终围绕不离题
4.
It has problems in language and sentence structure that result in a lack of clarity. 用词造句要明晰
5.
It contains occasional major 偶尔大错errors or

frequent minor小错不断 errors in grammar, usage, or mechanics that can interfere with meaning. 如果能意识到并用意去克服这些不足，就可以升上4分。从错误中学习并提升




习作批改


SCORE 2


本帖最后由 amber_c 于 2011-8-22 20:52 编辑

It is suggested that whether a student performs well or not should be determined by if he or she possesses the ability to interpret the ideas, trends, and concepts that facts clarify, not to grasp mere facts. Admittedly, since the very purpose of education is to free students’ thoughts and spirits, such a recommendation is rational in certain circumstances, while under others it requires a second thought.

Only by knowing the concepts and deep meanings of facts can students have an insight into those facts, think out the objective laws among facts, and apply them to finding answers to questions or solutions to problems. I strongly agree that if we learn only facts we learn rather little. As the old saying goes, ’to read without reflecting is like eating without digesting.’ Consider the discipline of management. A student who just memorizes what is ‘SMART Principle’ but has no ideas how to meet the specific requirements as a manager, of course, will be a layman and fail to manage an enterprise. And another example involves politics. Without learning deeply about the interests between two opposite parties, one can never be a wise and savvy politician. Undoubtedly, comprehensive understanding of facts truly cultivates students’ ability to analysis critically what we encounter, which also sharpens our skills to adapt ourselves to the realistic society.

Since education is to set students’ thoughts and spirits free, it is of tremendous significance to lead critical and creative thinking. The men who innovate, create, or discover are usually those who concentrate on the ideas, trends, and notions of facts. History informs me that accepting on blind faith what we are taught we gain little, leaving brains lack of vitality. In the physical science, with in-depth study and vast curiosity of existing theories, people tend to challenge the experts and their opinions by pointing out the flaws, putting forward new hypothesis, setting up experiments, and sometimes drawing opposite conclusions. If Galileo had not been skeptical with the theory of Aristotle, history would not have found a great experiment on the leaning tower of Pisa. Even in the arts, students should challenge, for creating new works, established styles and forms. Claude Monet, one of the greatest impressionist painters, whose focus on light was far beyond objects, changed people’s impression on the structure of light and nature. In short, without skepticism and creativity, our society would never evolve and thrive.

Naturally, facts are the cornerstone of other stuff, without which the discussion above will amount to meaninglessness. In some fields, professionals require us to remember the simple facts, basic knowledge in other words. For example, it is quite unacceptable for a would-be surgeon to merely understand the concepts of surgery, however, hardly memorize steps and what deserves particular attention. Moreover, I even cannot imagine that an attorney, not familiar with laws, will win a lawsuit and credit. That is to say, under specific situations, such as those where rigorous theoretical knowledge is needed, facts are the premise of all to develop the following plots.

Based on the above, from personal perspective, it is desirable to strike a balance between deep thinking and facts memories. To cultivate and ripen students’ ability, education institutions might be advised to offer different curriculums and various activities.

by lovetian
SCORE 3

As is intensely described in the thought-provoking statement, not only does the author focus on the opinion that educators should put their emphasis on testing students whether they can explain the ideas, trends, and concepts of those facts taught by teachers but also insinuates that this kind of ability is more significant than rote memorization when we assess a student's learning. However, in my point of view, it is not a perfect recommendation which is suitable for all the students of all ages. It depends on the students' age that what kind of assessment we should use to test the students' learning because becoming educated is such a process in which students will face different knowledge and the require of these knowledge is unlike.

What is most important for a student studying in a primary school or even in a kindergarten, understandingness or rote? Most of them don't have the ability to catch the ideas or trends of the things taught in the class, such as alphabet or the multiplication tables; so when students are in this period, educators should base their assessment of students' learning on the fact if students have kept knowledge in their mind. Thinking of a little child who learns the alphabet, they memorize the name, sounds, and order of the letters by rote but don't know why they do this and what does these letters trend; all of these rote learning create the necessary foundation to learn other important skills. Could we ask them to catch the ideas of these letters' order? Certainly no, just because they don't have ability and don't need to know that; so why the educators shouldn't focus on students' grasp of facts when they assess children's learning.

Then, when we talk about the students who are enrolled in the secondary school, rote memorization and conceptualizing maybe have the same position to the students; both of them play important roles in students' learning. In this time, they will face a large amount of information which they should fix to their memory and most of the information is axiom; it means students need only remember them and use them but have no need to understand them. Besides these axioms, there is also some information require students to conceptualize, such as chemical formula. Students are taught hundreds of formulas when they study chemistry, but the aim of this subject is not just want students to simply memorize how the formula contains, teachers ask students to understand why these formulas exist and how we find it, furthermore, the trends of these formulas are also needed. Educators should focus both of the ability when they do assessment to the students.

Finally, educators should pay attention to the students' ability to analyze, evaluate and create knowledge when they grow up and become college students. After students enter a college, they must come to recognize the ideas through which they see and experience the world; they must take explicit command of their thinking; they must become the master of their own ideas which requires students to think about why the knowledge appear like that. They don't need to rote this information, they don't need to focus on memorization through repetition, and they are required understanding of material which means students have to develop a deep understanding of knowledge. A person who can only repeat other's thought can't act as a truly free person and such kind of people can hardly contribute to the society in any field. So the educators have to base their assessment of student's learning on the students' ability to have a clear picture of the world or the things happen around them.

本帖最后由 onco 于 2011-8-23 21:19 编辑
SCORE 3

The speaker claims that educators shouldnot assess students' learning based on their degree of grasp of facts, but ontheir ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate.Admittedly, to acquaint ourselves with multifarious facts can greatly help usexplain this mysterious world, from the crash of thunder to the evolution ofhuman, knowing facts makes us intrigued and encourages us exploring. But for
education assessment, we want to use a highly efficient way of differentiating
those grade A students, mediocre ones and those who understand little of the
illustration. And this suggested method, focusing more on their comprehension,seems to a competitive choice.

It has been so universally claimed that
education would make people wise that a lot people now fondly believe they will
really get smart as long as they are informed various kind of facts. They
receive passively what they are being told and accept the knowledgeuncritically, without the notion that the ultimate goal of education is notonly to preserve the existing knowledge and pass it down, but train the studentsto be a better pilot for their own mind，leading a unique life. Assessment canperform a guiding hand in the process of education. People tend to prepare moreattentively on the content that assessment emphasizes. In this way, it is obvious
that the assessment should base on people's creative thinking -- their analytical
thought on the learned facts -- and consequently meet the demand of education.If our assessment simply relies on the level of facts grasping, the damaging
habit of rote learning would be evolved among students , therefore stultifying
their creative thinking.

Besides, what can be a fact? Newton's ThreeLaws of Motion, for instance, was long-time believed to be a fact to interpretour world and universe but proved to be not perfectly right by Einstein after300 years later. Since many theories of our world are partly or completelybased on assumptions, what we call a "fact" today might turn out afallacy tomorrow. However, we cannot fully negate them as the ideas, concepts andtrends embedded may still be beneficial. So the right attitude we should have
for everything connecting with "fact" is supposed to find the core
ideas, rather than unduly rephrase them.

In sum, educators should weigh more heavily
on the students' originality and use the standards to assess them. For
education assessment, to focus solely on students' grasp of facts is somehow
shortsighted. Only those students are educated with having their own ideas and
thoughts, can they finally use their minds to benefit our world.


最后越写越凌乱了。并且我觉得有点没有论证很充足的感觉。
恩，第一次写issue.真心需要太多学习了。


by wywcgs

一周没写状态变差了，总觉得都不知道自己在写些什么>_<
那啥，麻烦批改的同学了
SCORE 2

Generally speaking, I agree the statement that the meditating of the knowledge of a student is more significant than how well he grasps the fact.

Focusing on thinking ability fits the purpose of education well. In my opinion, the purpose of education is to build student’s views of the world, life and value which should be found by students themselves and which cannot be found in any books. An excellent student who is good at meditating should own definitive these views, while a student who only knows reading books will be confused in the face of them which will influence his whole life. So evaluating students by their thinking ability is good for fostering their views hence affect the lives. It’s the ultimate duty of educator.

Moreover, evaluating students by their thinking ability is good for the development of preeminent students. Thinking ability is the essential element for researching which takes an important part on the development of science. As a Chinese idiom said, “Reading no books is better than believing everything from books”. The experience of Donald Knuth, a great computer scientist, is a good example. There was a custom in Knuth’s college that a student could get a high score without attending the final exam if he could solve a very hard problem the professor assigned in his course. Knuth finished his college life with many high scores by solving such problems. Obviously it’s a better method to evaluate an outstanding student than merely examining him how much knowledge he remembered from the books. Giving excellent students much spare time to research something they favorite, this method is obviously good for their development.

Admittedly, examine students how much they learn from the book is not a too bad method. But in fact, it is harmful in evaluating some prodigies sometimes. Let’s take the Hermite, a great mathematician in 19th century, for example. Hermite was well known among the top mathematicians for his contributions to math even when he was a college student. Surprisingly, he hadn’t gotten his PhD degree for a long time only because he could not pass the math examination, an examination full of knowledge written in books which required much time to remember. Undoubtedly he merited a PhD degree, but it was the ossified memory examination that retarded him. It illustrates the importance of the assessment of student’s true ability rather than of their memory.

To sum up, a good student is expected to make more contributions than others. An assessment cannot be considered reasonable if the so called “good student” according it don’t have true ability to make great contribution. It is why the evaluating by their thinking ability is important.

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

by
陈懂

SCORE 2

The issue how to assess students' learning performance appropriately has caused wide concern. On the one hand, the statement emphasizing on the ability to explain ideas rather than memorizing facts seems reasonable, but recently, educators and politicians have reevaluated the importance of students' grasp of basic facts as well as abilities.

In many fields of research and study, obsession in certain pieces of facts often leads to doctrines impeding the development. Take physics as an example, in process searching evidence and establishing theories, the physicians inevitably encounter facts observed by their forerunners which prove to be imperfect. Newton's description of the world satisfied most of the researchers for many years and was accepted as the reality by many of them. As a result, they fail to explain the phenomenon observed at a speed approximate to light. On the other hand, with the ability to explain trends and meaning behind mere observations, Einstein introduced his relative theory, which he admits still imperfect. Actually, it is by correcting such imperfections the advance of physics is realized.

Significant as the ability to explain the trends prove to be, the grasp of basic knowledge is taken seriously by today's educators and politicians, especially when assessing the performance of students in primary and secondary schools. The No Child Left Behind bill proposed by President George Bush specifically focused on the education quality in public elementary and secondary schools. One of the major statistics referred to when evaluating the existing problems in contemporary educational system is the students' performance in standard academic tests. These tests estimate students' abilities including basic reading and math in different grades. There is wisdom in this proposal. In today's society demanding workforce with increasingly complex skills, individuals are expected to pursue their education for a life time. Mastering knowledge in math and reading lays the foundation for future survival and development, and accordingly, should be regarded as the major goal for the educational institution to achieve.

There is another problem deserves our consideration. The statement, concentrating on the relationship between grasping facts and the ability to explain them, merely focuses on the limited number of results of learning. However, to assess the quality of education, its nature as an experience cannot be neglected; that is to say, education should be regarded as a process individuals experience all the time. The class in schools is just a special form of communication through which teachers share his wisdom with his students. Knowledge and abilities can be acquired whenever a new situation is encountered in daily life; and every time communication occurs between individuals the understanding is influenced and enhanced. What is more, the facts and abilities brought by the experiences accumulate, the experience itself shapes the attitude and value system of the individual. To put it another way, the content of education transcends the narrow consideration of facts and the ability to interpret them. Consequently, when applying for graduate colleges, the GRE grade and GPA are not the only factors taken into account by the professors, the statement regarding the personal experience is also an indispensible aspect reflecting the learning level of the applicant.

本帖最后由 oyxj1551 于 2011-8-23 19:05 编辑

SCORE 3

I agree with claim mostly that educator should base their assessment of students learning on the ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that facts illustrate rather than the grasp of facts. As an idiom goes, we learn to meet the need of practice. That means obtaining facts is not the end of learning. Educator should induct the learners to study further to discover the illustration of facts. Only in this way can we form a sound way of studying.

In terms of learner, if they learn facts merely, they do gain little. As grasping of fact is the most fundamental part of learning, after which can we look into further and explain the ideas, trends and concepts of the facts. So, if learners stay merely at pursuit of facts, much remain mantled. To make it more clear, we take economics as example. Economics, as one of the most revealing branches of learning, has great influence on the development of society. Anyone who is learning economics would be so astonished at the plenty of theories in the field of economy. However, if they just get to know basic content of these theories other than unveil the ideas, trends and concepts that facts illustrate, they couldn't take these theories into the application for explaining the phenomenon in economic circle, one step further, promoting the development of society. Supposing that educators judge their students by grasp of facts, students would end in a robot for storing facts which has little contribution to the society. Therefore the claim should be highly recommended.

Besides, assertion based on the grasp of facts has much more disadvantages. It will force students to have a suffer time memorizing the facts which will reduce the learning initiative of students. For sake of the future of students, educators should try a more vivid way to inspire students to think more and apply the knowledge into practice. Lee Kuan yew, the premier of Singapore, said on the opening ceremony of the language centre of Singapore “Forcing students to just memorize without applying the language and to take examinations on the Chinese language, is wrong, This is because the students would then just aim to pass Chinese in their exams and then forget about the language after that" In this case, forcing students to memorize the facts will turn them off completely and cause them to waste much money and extra time on studying. I think the correct way should get children interested in the learning regardless of their learning ability. With interest in learning, they will have knowledge for life.Nevertheless, conceding that students must learn ideas, trends as well as concepts relating to facts, I disagree with the former should always precede the latter.  We should admit that assessment based on the grasp of facts is suitable for some exams like the exam of law of driving. Besides, the assessment of the ability to explain the idea, trend and concept is hard to design and also difficult to judge. If not designed reasonably, it may run counter to the designer’s desire.

In brief, we should highly recommend the claim and take it into practice. Only in this way can we bring more to learners and form a sound way of studying which has a profound and lasting influence on our society.

本帖最后由 m7catsue 于 2011-8-23 18:16 编辑
SCORE 2

I
fundamentally agree with the author that the facts should not be given toppriority t in the evaluation of students’ learning. Besides just memorizing thefacts and putting them into practice mechanically, I consider the ability to
explain ideas, trends, and concepts which the facts illustrate being of more significancein this fast-changing society, where new scientific achievements and innovativethoughts come up constantly. Therefore, the assessment of students’ learning,in accordance with my proposition, should be based on these two
indispensable segments, the grasp of facts, and thecomprehensive understanding of these facts and their basics, both of which
contribute to the individuals’ practical ability and the progress of society.

No
doubt that in most circumstances, mechanical application of the facts we memorized
can be used effectively to solve the problems we confront. And indeed most ofus are contented with this easy solution. There seems to be no need to for us toasses a student’s learning on whether he/she can fully comprehend the basics ofthe facts, since he/she only needs the facts themselves to solve the problems,not the abstract basics behind these facts. But if this logic is unfortunately fullyaccepted by the human society, then perhaps today our society is only at thelevel ofMiddle Ages, where innovativethoughts and creativity are suppressed and ignored. Imaginethat if Albert Einstein was contented with the current understanding of physicsat the beginning of the 20th century, just because people almost couldwork out all the practical problems utilizing Newton’s classical mechanics,then perhaps there would be a far less chance that we could go into the spaceage. Innovative thoughts and a comprehensive understanding of the basics arethe origins of the progress of our society, not ignorant complacence about beingable to work out problems at hand based on current limited knowledge.

Secondly,the objective of education, from certain perspective, is to maintain our
current knowledge and, more importantly, to inspire new thoughts and ideas toimprove our current knowledge system, which has been using to serve the societyand all people within it. If students are only judged by the number of facts theycan memorize, or the mechanical ability of simple application of these facts,then they are definitely discouraged from creative thinking and innovation,which is contrary to the goal of education. By memorizing the multiplicativetable, one can easily know the product of 7 and 9 is 63. However, if he/she hasno idea of the basics of the multiplication, it is likely that he/she cannotcalculate the product of 7 and 18. This is absolutely not the type of individualthe society need. So, the author’s suggestion is constructive that students’ assessmentshould mainly be based on the comprehensive understanding of the basics behind besidesthe facts.

To
sum up, to a large extent, I agree with the author. But more comprehensively, Iconsider both of the facts and the understanding of the basics behind the factsthe indispensable elements of the evaluation of the students’ learning ability.If the educators neglect either of these two elements, then they will fail to attainthe goal of education, by a great possibility.


写一篇依然耗时严重。。。

oncoUID: 3114426

AW刚刚起步，所以有很多地方要学习。

谢谢老师~

先顶再看。

m7catsueUID: 3040890

Ben老师你好，谢谢你的指导道~
您能不能说具体一点呢，比如说文章哪里需要改进？
只有一个分数，修改的时候也不好针对性的改正。

oncoUID: 3114426

5# m7catsue

我觉得可能是gter把老师的批改吞了...就是显示不出格式...

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

请以上同学按照以下标准修改后跟帖，我会逐渐再详加批改。【”思考清晰-写作才清晰“教学法】



论点清晰、简洁
根据充分：相关、有细节支撑
全部根据集中于论点：根据与论点有关，支撑论点，仅支撑论点



句法基础结构：主语+主语动词+宾语...+修饰语（放在前面三者合适位置）


举例：( Chinese) students ||are not encouraged to ||question authority(, such as parents, teachers, officials).  【主语动词也叫谓语动词】
或变体： Questioning authority, ... , is not encouraged in China.



敬告：用你熟悉的词，尤其是动词勿用深词，不用《GRE词汇精选》里的词。你写作的目的是写清楚明白的句子，不是显摆”高级“学问。（学术写作唯一重点是什么，见文后张五常的故事）



Developing劣质段落的判断标准
正好相反
----------------
举例：

OG第一篇
4分中心论点：Using technology to solve problems will continue to help us realize our potential as a human race. （阅卷人评论The writer develops a clear position ）
中心论点句清楚简洁 扪心自问：我写的是什么意思
阅卷人评论：The position is then developed with relevant reasons.


分论点：
1.If you think about it, using technology to solve more [complicated] problems gives humans a chance to expand their thinking and learning，opening up whole new worlds for many people.
2.Right now we are seeing a golden age of technology, using it all the time during our every day lives.
各段的分论点（topic sentence）也是清楚简洁，并且与中心论点相关 扪心自问：我有什么根据？
Point 1, “using technology” is supported with the simple but relevant notions that technology allows us access to information and abilities to which we would not normally have access. Similarly, point 2, “the golden age” is supported by the basic description of our technologically saturated social condition.
中心论点<--- 分论点<--- 理由例证：层次清晰，逐层得到展开--细节支撑。这不是挺好的吗？




SCORE 4 RESPONSE [279 words]

I absolutely agree with the first section of the statement above, but find fault with the latter half.


There is no doubt that praising positive actions is an excellent way to teach, and this method is most clearly exemplified when dealing with much younger children. When a young child is learning basic social behavior, it is imperative that he is encouraged to repeat positive actions.  For example, when a child voluntarily shares his toys with another, if a teacher rewards that behavior, the child will understand that this is a good practive, and likely share again in the future.

In contrast, if a child displays negative behavior by stealing a toy away from his playmate, it would be very dangerous for the teacher to ignore this action, for then the child may never recognize that this is unacceptable. In this instance, the child has not learned from the situation at all. So what should a teacher do when faced with such a situation? Punishement is not necessarily the optimal choice, either. Rather than scolding a child for mistreating his playmats an sending off to a corner, a teacher would be wise to demonstrate the positive alternative: to share his toys instead. In this case, rather than ignoring or punishing negative actions, the teacher could seize the opportunity to reinforce positive behavior, and further extend the child's larning experience.
  In summary, positive reinforcement is certainly an excellent method for teaching new methods or behaviros, and encouraging a student to learn more. However to ignore, rather than recognize and correct negative actions, would be a disservice to the student, for he would not know what conclusion to draw from his action.



【279 words: 词数是问题吗？？？扪心自问，有几个同学生拉硬扯出400词的伪文章（在词数里获得点伪满足-- ）能像这篇279词短文一样清楚明白，有观点，有相关根据？？？先把话说清楚-- 你是在跟人类交流（communication）--尽管audience远在美国。从此不要考虑词数。】



READER COMMENTARY（阅卷人评论）



（中心）论点及根据层面This adequate response follows the task directions and presents a clear position on the issue, supporting its main points with examples that are relevant, if only adequately develped. For instance, the discussion in the second paragraph of a teacher who reinforces the positve behavior of sharing a toy is certainly relevant and on-task (i.e., it describes a situation in which adopting the recommendation would be advantageous). 【先做到4分】
根据展开-细节层面However, the development of this idea does not lead to generally thoughtful or insightful analysis. Instead, it is simply presented as an example. 【能否超过4分的分水岭】
语言表达层面In addition to its adequate develpment, this response also demonstrates sufficient control of the conventions of standard written English, and its main points are made with reasonable clarity. Some of the sentences demonstrate the syntactical variety normally seen in responses that receives higher scores (e.g., " Rather than scolding a child for mistreating his playmates and sending him off to a corner, a teacher would be wise to demonstrate the positive alternative to share his toys instead"). However, the overall use of language in this response is merely adequate.





最后说个故事：
张五常（曾任香港大学經濟金融學院院長
）二十九歲某一天，芝加哥大学老師艾智仁(Armen Alchian)召小张到辦公室去，對小张說：“我們（指他和其他的老師)絕不懷疑你是可造之材，不過，你的文章不容易看得懂。為文之道只有一個重點，那就是要寫得清楚明白。要記著，不管你的思想如何了得，文章不容易明白就不會有成功的機會。”

gengshuUID: 3012360

:L没有我的

m7catsueUID: 3040890

Ifundamentally agree with the author that, instead of the facts, the basicunderstanding of these facts should be given top priority in the evaluation ofstudents’ learning. Compared with just memorizing the facts and putting theminto practice mechanically, I consider the ability to explain ideas, trends,and concepts which the facts illustrate being of more significance in thisfast-changing society, where new scientific achievements and innovativethoughts come up constantly. And in accordance with my proposition, theassessment of students’ learning should be based on these two indispensable segments, the grasp of facts, and the comprehensiveunderstanding of these facts and their basics, both of which contribute to theindividuals’ practical ability and the progress of society.

Wecannot ignore the basics of the facts, just because of, in most circumstances, themechanical application of the facts we memorized can be used effectively to solvethe problems we confront. Indeed most of us are contented with this easysolution. There seems to be no need for us to asses a student’s learning onwhether he/she can fully comprehend the basics of the facts, since he/she onlyneeds the facts themselves to solve the problems, not the abstract basicsbehind these facts. But if this logic is unfortunately accepted by the humansociety, then perhaps today our society is only at the level of Middle Ages, where innovative thoughts and creativity are suppressedand ignored. Imagine that if Albert Einstein was contented with the currentunderstanding of physics at the beginning of the 20th century, justbecause people could almost work out all the practical problems with Newton’sclassical mechanics, then perhaps there would be a far less chance that wecould go into the space age. Innovative thoughts and a comprehensiveunderstanding of the basics are the origins of the progress of our society, notignorant complacence about being able to work out problems at hand based oncurrent limited knowledge. Hence, it is dangerous if educators base their assessmentof a student mainly on his/her ability to memorize facts instead of the basics,which may lead to a suppression of creative thinking.

Secondly,the objective of education, from certain perspective, is to maintain ourcurrent knowledge and, more importantly, to inspire new thoughts and ideas toimprove our current knowledge system, which has been using to serve the societyand all people within it. If students are only judged by the number of factsthey can memorize, or the mechanical ability of simple application of thesefacts, then they are definitely discouraged from creative thinking andinnovation, which is contrary to the goal of education. By memorizing themultiplicative table, one can easily know the product of 7 and 9 is 63.However, if he/she has no idea of the basics of the multiplication, it islikely that he/she cannot calculate the product of 7 and 18. This is absolutelynot the type of individual the society need. So, the author’s suggestion isconstructive that students’ assessment should mainly be based on thecomprehensive understanding of the basics behind besides the facts.

Tosum up, to a large extent, I agree with the author. But more comprehensively, Iconsider both of the facts and the understanding of the basics behind the factsthe indispensable elements of the evaluation of the students’ learning ability.If the educators neglect either of these two elements, then they will fail to attainthe goal of education, by a great possibility.


我自己又修改了一下，没有用什么复杂的词。。
基本论点也都有举例支撑，为什么只有2分呢。。
才些AW没多久，确实也没有多少经验。。请ben老师不吝指正。

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

8# gengshu
ME同学也交了几次作业，可不能把你给漏了。昨晚俺捣鼓视频录制，折腾到后半夜也没有传上视频网站，保存格式出了差错。国外的YOUTUBE好用，但是用VPN，传输速度慢蜗牛般慢。
【 除注明后，点评内容均由amber_c 撰写。--BEN】The speaker asserts that educators should assess the students' learning on the ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate not on students' grasp of facts. In my view, this statement is too absolute（用extreme,会不会合适一点？）.The educators assess the students learning on which aspect depend on the disciplines or the content the students learn .（病句）The speaker's opinion does（is）not suitable for all conditions（个人觉得用circumstances或situations，会恰当一点）.

第一段明确摆出观点——题目太绝对，不适用所有情况。


【BEN: absolute或extreme本身就是最高级了，不能用too修饰，建议ME用英语词典查一个合适的用extreme的搭配。另外第二句可以作全文的中心论点句，请根据上文基础句法重写，要清楚简洁(clear position)。】

When the students of art learn the course about the prominent painter's
（painters’）works .(,)It(it) is hard to imagine the teacher just demand students to recite the fact or the details of the pictures. This rote memorization just exercises students' memory and they can comprehend little about(记得comprehend 后面不用接介词的) the artist's real thought .On the country
（是要说On the contrary吗？）teachers should recommend the artist's ideas and the trend of art of the artist's period .Without understanding the Picasso's ideas of arts，the students cannot really comprehend his unthinkable creativity .Without knowing the Beethoven's life
（写到life，感觉偏题了）,the students cannot understand the intension of each music（each piece of music？）. That is why justremember（remembering） the facts is useless and inefficiency.
第二段都在举例子，可惜没有分析和论点，比较unpersuasive。缺乏逻辑性，例如理解ideas, trends and concepts是为了全面透彻地理解，而透彻的理解是为了应用还是其他什么的？这样起码有个观点，也有点逻辑。


【BEN: 赞同amber同学的意见。该段缺少一个topic sentence--最好平白直接写在段首，让读者知道是对中心论点的承接和展开。关于艺术的例子有新意，但是需要表达清楚，让读者明白例子与topic sentence有直接的联系（relevant reasons and/ or examples）。】


But sometimes, without the large number of facts, the student's（students） will （be）bewildered and confused about the ideas, trends or concepts .For instance, when students learn history, they should first recite a lot of events and the period of each events. Then they will have entire concept to
(of)the history. If they can connect these events by times(time) ，the trends of this period will be clear without learning. That is why people say accumulation is so significant that when we know more facts， it will connect each other naturally .（病句。把两句话合并了）That is why we cannot ignore the importance of the facts in some cases.（句式重复了，也模糊了要表达的意思）

这一段是想写在某些情况下不能忽略facts。但和上一段一样，没有明确提出分论点。感觉就是一直在举例子。history的例子，挺好的。


【BEN：段首可以做topic sentence即分论点。事实是分析的必要材料--思路不错，最好跟教育评估联系起来。可以联系到评估重视事实方面的测试，也就鼓励教学上重视对事实的讲解。比如历史方面，可以说个细致例子。】

Besides, when we study some disciplines such as physics， we should learn the fact and the idea or concept at same time . For the facts is easier to understand(be understood)，we can conduct some experiments and remember the fact or formula first so that we can resolve the practical questions.(前面几句话的逻辑好像有点问题。) Then learn the ideas or concepts of the facts which can help us remember the fact easily and use it flexible（flexibly）. That means it is better to connect the facts and ideas or concepts in (去掉)sometimes. Without each part （是不是可以改成缺失了任何一部分？）,the knowledge will be not entire which will have bad effect to understand and apply of it（cause certain difficulties in being understood and applied）.
可能作者有先摆例子的习惯，所以这一段还是先写了例子。三段是按照不同的情况来分类的。


【BEN：段首依然可以做论点句，还要表述清楚一些，以便与中心论点句建立直接联系。ME是否想说某些情况下，对事实与解释能力的评估也同等重要？那么论点之后可以稍做解释，然后举个带细节的例子。单纯解释的话，读者很难see what you mean. 请参看上文4分例子，就是举了孩子把玩具让给别人的例子，是不是很有画面感？】

Although grasp（of） the ideas trends or concepts do（is more） important than just grasp(of) the fact in sometime
(under some circumstances),the speaker is too hasty to convince(conclude?) that it can suit to all the conditions for teachers to assess a students(student). On the contrary, the teachers of different disciplines should have different standards to assess their students.
得出结论：不同学科的老师应该有不同的评价标准。个人觉得这个观点是可以写的。看完全篇，论点还是比较明确的，只是没有明确提出。
纯属个人观点，不当之处还请见谅指正！
加油加油~


【BEN：结尾段一般是重述自己的中心论点，稍微改写下。没有必要再把另一speaker扯进来。在写作技能训练的初阶，先把自己的观点清楚表达出来，而不宜把别人的观点拉进来--易造成混乱。Express your main idea clearly. Explain your points in detail. Make reader understand your point fully. 官方指南上的4分文章很有参考价值。】


P.S. 对于新手而言，牛人牛校老师都是浮云，先不要理会这些东东。写好一个句子，写好一个段落，每次写好50词的内容，再写100词。到最后，事往往就这样成了。我鼓励渐进，而不是跃进-- 写了数年百字左右的短文，突然爆炒到四百词-- 基础扎实吗？

oncoUID: 3114426

10# panmingming2008

Ben老师你可以改hosts的，就可以直接上了...不知道你会不会弄。

ashtray_sUID: 3008202

是不是就剩我的没改了==诶··

panmingming2008UID: 2535351

9# m7catsue
I fundamentally agree with the author that, instead of the facts, the basicunderstanding of these facts should be given top priority in the evaluation ofstudents’ learning. Compared with just memorizing the facts and putting theminto practice mechanically, I consider the ability to explain ideas, trends,and concepts which the facts illustrate being of more significance in thisfast-changing society, where new scientific achievements and innovativethoughts come up constantly. And in accordance with my proposition, theassessment of students’ learning should be based on these two indispensable segments, the grasp of facts, and the comprehensiveunderstanding of these facts and their basics, both of which contribute to theindividuals’ practical ability and the progress of society.


【M7catsue同学，首段第一句与第三句均可表示中心论点，为什么要中间隔开分立两处。中心论点句要清楚简洁，直接。建议第三句修改作此用，我一看再看，我猜到这是一个insightful的立场。有4分的潜力。请保持下面的分论点与assessment有联系，ok? 另：fundamentally 能否与agree搭配，请查f-用法】

Wecannot ignore the basics of the facts, just because of, in most circumstances, themechanical application of the facts we memorized can be used effectively to solve the problems we confront. Indeed most of us are contented with this easysolution. There seems to be no need for us to asses a student’s learning onwhether he/she can fully comprehend the basics of the facts, since he/she onlyneeds the facts themselves to solve the problems, not the abstract basicsbehind these facts. But if this logic is unfortunately accepted by the humansociety, then perhaps today our society is only at the level of Middle Ages, where innovative thoughts and creativity are suppressedand ignored. Imagine that if Albert Einstein was contented with the currentunderstanding of physics at the beginning of the 20th century, justbecause people could almost work out all the practical problems with Newton’sclassical mechanics, then perhaps there would be a far less chance that wecould go into the space age. Innovative thoughts and a comprehensiveunderstanding of the basics are the origins of the progress of our society, notignorant complacence about being able to work out problems at hand based oncurrent limited knowledge. Hence, it is dangerous if educators base their assessmentof a student mainly on his/her ability to memorize facts instead of the basics,which may lead to a suppression of creative thinking.


【第一句不宜作主题句（topic sentence）。最后一句可以放到段首--改写成”若教育者将评估重点放在事实记忆上会伤害创造力“--这是说过分强调事实的害处，那么你就要协调好与你的中心论点的关系，因为你的中心论点是将评估”based on these two indispensable segments“。


其次，Einstein的例子与你的主题句无关-- 主题是要论述教育评估是要重视学生的事实记忆能力还是解释分析能力。Einstein是毕业数年后才拓展了牛顿的理论--已经不是学生了。其实许多同学的习作上来就是爱、牛、伽（利略）的例子，大、空、没有直接联系（relevant reason/example），造成没有构成对论点的有效支持（support）。这是2分标准第二条”It provides few, if any, relevant reasons or examples in support of its claims.“


其实中国同学需要观察生活细节，表达对周遭事物的看法，而不是折磨那几位”老白死“（又老又白的死人：）。可以举一个咱们身边的例子，比如由于学校强调背记，某同学的表达能力很差，运用知识解决实际问题的能力差，不能达到基本的职业技能要求，应聘时不能回答书本之外的问题。这样是不是relevant reason/ example? 参考上文4分范文，就举了小孩把玩具让给别人的例子。】


Secondly,the objective of education, from certain perspective, is to maintain ourcurrent knowledge and, more importantly, to inspire new thoughts and ideas toimprove our current knowledge system, which has been using to serve the societyand all people within it. If students are only judged by the number of factsthey can memorize, or the mechanical ability of simple application of thesefacts, then they are definitely discouraged from creative thinking andinnovation, which is contrary to the goal of education. By memorizing themultiplicative table, one can easily know the product of 7 and 9 is 63.However, if he/she has no idea of the basics of the multiplication, it islikely that he/she cannot calculate the product of 7 and 18. This is absolutelynot the type of individual the society need. So, the author’s suggestion isconstructive that students’ assessment should mainly be based on thecomprehensive understanding of the basics behind besides the facts.


【这一段也没有清楚简洁的主题句。而且内容上只是继续展开上一段，也即强调事实记忆的弊端。因此造成累赘！！！对中心论点没有任何帮助。】
Tosum up, to a large extent, I agree with the author. But more comprehensively, Iconsider both of the facts and the understanding of the basics behind the factsthe indispensable elements of the evaluation of the students’ learning ability.If the educators neglect either of these two elements, then they will fail to attainthe goal of education, by a great possibility.

【结尾段很能体现作者的问题：语言问题造成行文组织问题。用了许多不必要的插入句来伪造长句或sentence variety，反而弄巧成拙，造成意义不清晰。比如，本段中的”to a large extent“”by a great possibility“到底是多大程度？不如直接写出。废语多，比如more comprehensively, I consider等。


还有上段中，” from certain perspective, ...more importantly,...which has been using to serve the societyand all people within it.“前一个短语多余。后一个短语如有必要应另起一句，否则就是一句之内两个ideas了（因为有more比较）。which从句用得拖沓，是因为中国同学不知道which从句的作用意在解释，而非主要内容（因而用在主题句不合适）。


结尾段若改成”To sum up, it's necessary to evaluate students by both facts memorizing and understanding of concepts illustrated by facts“(请勿copy，仅供参考)。你也可以别造一至两句，把意思说完就直接画句号。这样是否更清楚？不要拖沓，一拖沓意义就会累赘就会模糊。】


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Q: 我自己又修改了一下，没有用什么复杂的词。。
基本论点也都有举例支撑，为什么只有2分呢。。
才些AW没多久，确实也没有多少经验。。请ben老师不吝指正。


A:如果能按照上述点评修改，词数不必那么多，也有可能从2分上升到4分。你的语言基本功还不错，只是没有很好的组织思想，用了许多不必要的插入句来伪造长句或sentence variety，反而弄巧成拙，造成意义不清晰。稍加注意与练习改正，你就会有提高。基础还是不错的。


“先清楚简洁，再复杂而不拖沓，易；
先复杂拖沓，再清楚简洁，难。--BEN”

amber_cUID: 3131341

老师~请您稍等！我也在努力修改中，很快上文~
恳请老师指正~

oncoUID: 3114426

老师，之前因为论坛bug了，你发的修改帖只有修改，没有分数啊。求指导啊！！多谢！！

The speaker claims that educators should not assess students' learning based on their degree of grasp of facts, but on their ability to explain the ideas, trends, and concepts that those facts illustrate. Admittedly, to acquaint ourselves with multifarious facts can greatly help us explain this mysterious world, from the crash of thunder to the evolution of human, knowing facts makes us intrigued and encourages us exploring. But for education assessment, it is better to use a highly efficient way of discriminating between A-ranked students and less-advanced ones. And this suggested method, focusing more on their comprehension, seems to be a competitive choice.
It has been so universally claimed that education would make people wise that a lot people nowadays fondly believe they will get smart effectively as long as they are informed various kind of facts. They receive what they are being told passively and accept the knowledge uncritically, without the notion that the ultimate goal of education is not only to preserve the existing knowledge and pass it down, but train the students to control their own mind and lead a unique life. To acquire this goal, educators must find a way to encourage those individual thinking. And assessment, on the other hand, can perform a guiding hand in the process of education. People tend to prepare more attentively on the content that assessment emphasizes. In this way, it is obvious that we should set the key point of assessment on people's own ideas -- their analytical thought on the learned facts -- and consequently meet the demand of education. If our assessment simply relies on the level of facts grasping, the damaging habit of rote learning would be evolved among students, therefore stultifying their critical thinking.

Besides, what can be a fact? Newton's Three Laws of Motion, for instance, was long-time being believed to be a fact to interpret our world and universe but proved to be not perfectly right by Einstein after 300 years later ever since it had firstly been raised. Since many theories of our world are partly or completely based on assumptions, what we call a "fact" today might turn out partially or absolutely wrong tomorrow. However, it would be provident to understand those facts beyond their superficial phenomenon and fully absorbed the ideas, concepts and trends embedded. So the right attitude we should have for everything connected with a “fact" is supposed to find the core ideas, rather than unduly rephrase them.

In sum, educators should not merely check the students’ ability of recurrence of their learned facts but weigh more heavily on the degree of handling the ideas. For education assessment, to focus solely on students' grasp of facts is somehow shortsighted. Only when those students are educated under such system of assessment, and used to converting acquired facts into their own thoughts, can they finally fit the changing world.