这样的作文语言风格会不会太小学生了

lion2UID: 2594802

这是我写的一段作文例子，希望有人点评下，这样的语言会不会不好，谢谢
I am a college student and I once had a roommate who used to stay very late at night while I often went to bed around 12 o’clock. What’s worse, although I had talked with her about the noise that she made at night when I was sleeping for several times, she just totally ignored my feelings and never attempted to improve her behavior. Finally, I quarreled bitterly with her and then she moved out of our dorm room. Until now, I still think it right to impolitely start the quarrel, otherwise I would suffer from the noise she makes for three years.

kroseUID: 3046161

我觉得还好，你不需要太关心这个。你这是叙述事件，如果光用高级词写会怪怪的。当然你也要尽量提高表达水平，不过我觉得问题不大。

这段里面我觉得有些中式英语，有些句子累赘蛮多

比如although I had talked with her about the noise that she made at night when I was sleeping for several times   这里的  when I was sleeping for several times  完全是多余的

我水平也不算高，一点愚见，你可以参考一下

Fruit~UID: 2559265

内容怎么样不重要, 关见是你的表达. 不要老用长句 (你这么短的几句话就从句里套从句)! 老中长句一用多, 必有语法错. 从句里套从句不是在SHOW OFF你的英文水平.

liuyz0810UID: 3026565

句子太长，句型又不复杂。。。去看看economist上面的文章吧，都是单句，简明有力。

Fruit~UID: 2559265

句子太长，句型又不复杂。。。去看看economist上面的文章吧，都是单句，简明有力。
liuyz0810 发表于 2011-10-9 01:03

RIGHT!

我朋友考IBT就这么考的, 很少用长句, 但用的短句和词汇都不错, 写作考前一篇都没练过最后拿了29分.

lion2UID: 2594802

谢谢大家的点评，我本来没用这么多长句，但后来觉得文章写得不够紧凑，才改成这样的。太久没写过作文，看来还是得多看范文。ps：economist会不会太难了