【Daily Writing作文特训小组】Phoebe's writing

Sudden2012UID: 2856328

楼主的头像竟然是冰雪蜂鸟的头像，吓我一跳，以为蜂鸟姐姐重出江湖了

猛龙过江UID: 3220220

修改，lz请修改我的，谢谢。

猛龙过江UID: 3220220

我在群里喊你一声，传给我，谢谢！ 6# phoebe121

LusotaUID: 2929567

Using telephone or voice messaging has the advantage of delivering the information orally, various emotions which cannot be detected from letters could be conveyed by the shivering of vocal cord.(这两个半句改成这样是不是就是一句话了：“Using telephone or voice messaging has the advantage of delivering the information orally, by which various emotions that cannot be detected from letters could be conveyed by the shivering of vocal cord. ”因为你的这个句子缺少连接词。) However, when it comes to  upsetting or controversial problems, I am much in favor of using e-mail or text messaging rather than telephone or voice messages.
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Firstly, if the intention is not to make the upsetting more mind-numbing（这个词好像远了，韦氏里说它是指very dull or boring，这和upsetting构成递进关系有点牵强吧？ ）, and the controversial more debatable, then e-mail or text messaging could provide the writer with more time to think about strategies or tacts（把tacts换掉吧，好像一般是不可数名词） to make the problems milder and more acceptable to the receiver of the message.
Secondly, benefit of telephones or voice messaging mentioned above could be its deficiency when upsetting or controversial problems are brought up, （少了连接词such as之类的）the rising of voice or  strengthening of certain words could emphasize the points you intend to  make, which also might  lead to the absence of courtesy if it（指的是the condition还是the rising of voice or strengthening of certain words？按照邻近原则，这里it指代不太清楚，因为此处按照你的意思它并不是形式主语，是有意义的） gets too loud or blunt. Nevertheless, thoughts carefully composed of a letter of text-message could be less penetrating （less penetrating？？？）than sharp voice.
Last but not least, due to distance or telegram facilities, the quality of phone calls or voice messages can not be assured to be always smooth. Signals might break up when you are anxious to indicate your views, so instead of your voice, the information transmitted to the receiver could be queer noises. Yet, e-mail or text-messaging is blessed not to possess this weak point.（这个句子不错喔~值得学习。。） m( A2 T
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In conclusion, I strongly suggest that e-mails or text-messaging be used when discussing upsetting or controversial problems. And surveys shows （改成show）that e-mailing and text-messaging have grown to be an indispensable tool no matter what kind of messages were aimed to send.（这个最后一句。。。）

phoebe的三个论证结构很清晰，例子挺充分，不错~
论证中出现的一些句法问题望加强，lusota建议如果能把最后一段再来点点睛之笔就更好啦~

lovely_hippo123UID: 3209964

Using telephone or voice messaging has the advantage of delivering the information orally; various emotions which cannot be detected from letters could be conveyed by the shivering of vocal cord. However, when it comes to upsetting or controversial problems, I am much in favor of using e-mail or text messaging rather than telephone or voice messages.
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Firstly, if the intention is not to make the upsetting more mind-numbing, and the controversial more debatable, then e-mail or text messaging could provide the writer with more time to think about strategies or tacts to make the problems milder and more acceptable to the receiver of the message. + F3 [# |, D" M; C* S8 b

! U+ l5 E( k" Q$ BSecondly, benefit of telephones or voice messaging mentioned above could-might更好
be its deficiency when upsetting or controversial problems are brought up-抚养长大, the rising of voice or  strengthening of certain words could emphasize the points you intend to  make, which also might  lead to the absence of courtesy if it gets too loud or blunt. Nevertheless, thoughts carefully composed of—由…组成，怎么是由这些信组成呢，应该是在这些信里的内容 a letter of text-message could be less penetrating than sharp voice.
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0 S, F) {) O. TLast but not least, due to distance or telegram这两个词可以并列么？
facilities, the quality of phone calls or voice messages can not-不要分开写呢 be assured to be always smooth. Signals might break up when you are anxious to indicate your views, so instead of your voice, the information transmitted to the receiver could be queer noises. Yet, e-mail or text-messaging is blessed not to possess this weak point.
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2 f# b* e  o" J0 _! @5 nIn conclusion, I strongly-慎用啊
suggest that e-mails or text-messaging be used when discussing upsetting or controversial problems. And surveys shows that e-mailing and text-messaging have grown to be an indispensable tool no matter what kind of messages were aimed to send

红色-感觉用的很奇怪
紫色-excellent


楼主五段式很好，开头也很好 值得学习哈哈  一起加油哈。用词方面 感觉不是很和谐，，一般都用自己熟悉的词吧。。。

shibin11UID: 3228029

City or countryside? A lot of people have stood at the intersection of this problem and pondered about which one is a better choice. Calculations of advantages and disadvantage of each are made. In spite of  recent polls which suggest that fewer people see reasons in moving to the city than they used to.  However, in my case, when it comes to taking care of my family, urban life could attract me  like powerful magnets. As far as I am concerned, the quality of unban life cannot be paralleled in following aspects.

Firstly, big cities offer better schools. The distribution of educational resources has not reached the level of equality though tremendous efforts have been made. Urban schools are equipped with well-trained teachers, more advanced teaching aids, and various after-class services. The most prestigious schools are located in cities, thereby, parents of young promising country dwellers uproot their family proudly for the great prospect of a better foundation those schools can help their children lay for their future. Statistics show,  most excellent graduates from Normal Universities chose to work in urban schools, some succumbed to the more materialized life assured by a better payment, some for their career development, and those who do well in improving pupil's studies in the countryside will be promoted to schools in cities.  And campus tragedies tend to take place on rural campuses owning to relatively looser regulations,

Secondly, what makes cities more appealing is more job opportunities. Cities tend to be a more fertile land这话瞅着有点奇怪。。 for people to plant the seed of their ambition. Cities have been centers to government, commerce and culture, there are more varieties of occupations from which you can choose from. More and more enterprising people have decided to install themselves in urban areas. Competitions could be fierce, however, it could be the catalyst for you to enhance your ability and to make the tree of your dream flourish. On the contrary, professions for the countryside inhabitants are less and monotonous, such as farmers,  rural school teachers, bare-foot doctors and post office workers.

Last but not least, cities provides（provide） its residents with better service. Any ailments of a beloved one is a heavy stone hung on one's heart, only when swift remedies are offered, could one feel t relieved,  and this could only be achieved when you are living in a non-rural community. No one would want to take any risks when emergencies happen, an ambulance is always on the meandering  muddy way zigzagging to you. Apart from sufficient and medical service, cities are also equipped with better public amenities which everyone could have access to.

Therefor, cities are undoubtedly  a better integrated place where you can find anything you need to take good care of your family.、

好文艺的一篇啊~ 找不到什么能改的地方。。抱歉。。

坏绿的眼睛UID: 3138294

棕色  涉及语法的修改或困惑   紫色 赞    蓝色 不涉及语法的词语修改  灰色删除  红色插入 添加

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? People can take care of their family members better when they live in big cities than in the countryside.  O( @- r8 ^6 q& J: |; v0 h

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City or countryside? A lot of people have stood at the intersection of this problem and pondered about which one is a better choice. Calculations计算？ of advantages and disadvantage of each are made. In spite of  recent polls 这个用的好 which suggest that fewer people see reasons in moving to the city than they used to.  However, in my case, when it comes to taking care of my family, urban life could attract me  like--as powerful magnets 用的很好 . As far as I am concerned, the quality of unban life cannot be paralleled in并网？ following aspects.

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Firstly, big cities offer better schools. The distribution of educational resources has not reached the level of equality though tremendous这个是不是说的重了？ efforts have been made. Urban schools are equipped with well-trained teachers, more advanced teaching aids, and various after-class services. The most prestigious schools are located in cities, thereby, parents of young promising country dwellers uproot their family proudly for the great prospect of a better foundation those schools can help their children lay for their future. Statistics show,  most excellent graduates from Normal Universities chose to work in urban schools, some succumbed to the more materialized life assured by a better payment, some for their career development, and those who do well in improving pupil's studies in the countryside will be promoted to schools in cities.  And campus tragedies tend to take place on rural campuses owning to relatively looser regulations, * E. N+ ]( z'

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Secondly, what makes cities more appealing is more job opportunities. Cities tend to be a more fertile land for people to plant the seed of their ambition. Cities have been centers to government, commerce and culture, there are more varieties of occupations from which you can choose from. More and more enterprising people have decided to install学到了！！ themselves in urban areas. Competitions could be fierce, however, it could be the catalyst for you to enhance your ability and to make the tree of your dream flourish. On the contrary, professions for the countryside inhabitants are less and monotonous, such as farmers,  rural school teachers, bare-foot doctors and post office workers. 3 a; T% d$ v5 ]2 N

Last but not least, cities provides its residents with better service. Any ailments of a beloved one is a heavy stone hung on one's heart不知道这个说法是否地道, only when swift remedies are offered, could one feel it估计笔误 relieved,  and this could only be achieved when you are living in a non-rural community. No one would want to take any risks when emergencies happen, an ambulance is always on the meandering  muddy way zigzagging to you.这句话赞啊赞 Apart from sufficient这是形容词。怎么跟名词并列？and medical service, cities are also equipped with better public amenities which everyone could have access to. ) ]& q8 m4 C; N) D' `" L' p& `



Therefor, cities are undoubtedly  a better integrated place where you can find anything you need ---needed for take--taking good care of your family./

楼主水平比我高多了，我也挑不出太多错，就是从语言和词汇的角度看一看   不好意思我还没把独立写出来 有些事情耽误了 写出来以后我会呼叫你的 到时候再麻烦你给看看
共同努力吧           ——坏绿