第一次写argument，请求指导修改

wang6631UID: 3245402

写的是新题库Argument No.2恒河猕猴的，第一次写花了3,4个小时，写了4点分析，还请各位指点,多谢了！    In this argument,the arguer concludes that an individual's level of stimulation is related to the effects of birth order , which is based on a recent study on 18 rhesusmonkeys and their reactions to stimulus . While this argument might be somewhatreasonable at first glance, in fact, it contains several groundless assumptionsand therefore, suffers from a number of critical flaws.



Firstly, the argument evidently depends ona hasty generalization. The author draws the conclusion on the associationbetween the birth order and levels of stimulation from a study including merely18 monkeys, which makes the study obviously statistically unreliable. Commonsense tells us that hardly can 18 rhesus monkeys constitute an adequate sampleof rhesus monkeys which are different in their living environments, habits orgenetic features. It is entirely possible that most of the 18 monkeys come fromthe same family, which makes their levels of stimulation just a featureinherited from their parents' generation. Barely reflecting the characteristicof the whole group, this study, therefore, provides none convincing evidence.



Secondly, the arguer cites the higherlevels of cortisol taking place on first-time mother monkeys as his supportingevidence. Nevertheless, he rests on the gratuitous assumption that the level ofcortisol released by mother monkeys directly indicates that of baby monkeys. Perhapsthe high level of cortisol just reveals the mother's anxiety for being pregnantfor the first time. Hence, it remains unclear whether the phenomena supportsthe conclusion or just serves as the opposite. Without ruling out otherexplanations about the relationship the author cannot reasonably rely on thisevidence to defense his conclusion.



Furthermore, the argument unfairly assumesthat the birth order is the only factor to affect the amount of hormone cortisolwhile failing to accounting for alternative possibilities. For example,according to the contrast between the monkeys mentioned in the passage, thedistinctions can be illustrated by their divergence in age. Perhaps with themonkeys growing up, their sensibility to stimulus from the outside environmentjust gradually degrades; or they might become adapted to the impetuses so thatnormal stimulus can no longer motivate them to release hormone cortisols.Without eliminating all these possibilities, it is impossible to assess therelationship deducted by the arguer.



Even admitting the conclusion related torhesus monkeys, deduction on all individuals is based on a false analogy. Thearguer simply assumes the similarity between rhesus monkeys and monkeys ofother kinds, even other entirely different species. As we all know, thephysical functions can vary conspicuously among distinctive creatures. If so, itmight be the case that the result of this study can be correctly applied toother monkeys, but the fundamental differences between monkeys and otherspecies, such as their diverse organs performing the function of reacting tostimulus or their various effects of birth order on their growth, are neglectedby the arguer, thereby making the analogy totally convincing. Unless showing afurther study covering a diverse section of all species, the arguer cannot jumpto a conclusion suiting individuals from each species.



Granted that the result provided by the argument might be of certainimportance in the field of biology, the conclusion is not well reasoned forlack of strong support for what the arguer maintains. To make it logicallyacceptable, the arguer would have to demonstrate a more representative sampleof the monkeys and in this way, could  achieve a sufficient conclusion. Inaddition, in order to solidify the argument, more evidence is required concerning thecorrelation between the rhesus monkeys and other species.

SakuraguoqiUID: 3148198

In this argument,the arguer concludes that an individual's level of stimulation is related to the effects of birth order , which is based on a recent study on 18 rhesusmonkeys and their reactions to stimulus . While this argument might be somewhatreasonable at first glance, in fact, it contains several groundless assumptionsand therefore, suffers from a number of critical flaws.最后长句很精彩，就是去模板化不够，应该把assumption替换成具体错误更好吧~



Firstly, the argument evidently depends ona hasty generalization. The author draws the conclusion on the associationbetween the birth order and levels of stimulation from a study including merely18 monkeys, which makes the study obviously statistically unreliable. Commonsense改成We all know 之类的更肯定一些的语气更有说服力 tells us that hardly can 18 rhesus monkeys constitute an adequate sampleof rhesus monkeys which are different in their living environments, habits orgenetic features. It is entirely possible that most of the 18 monkeys come fromthe same family, which makes their levels of stimulation just a featureinherited from their parents' generation. Barely reflecting the characteristicof the whole group, this study, therefore, provides none convincing evidence.例子分析很透彻，有头有尾



Secondly, the arguer cites the higherlevels of cortisol taking place on first-time mother monkeys as his supportingevidence. Nevertheless, he rests on the gratuitous assumption that the level ofcortisol released by mother monkeys directly indicates that of baby monkeys. Perhapsthe high level of cortisol just reveals the mother's anxiety for being pregnantfor the first time. Hence, it remains unclear whether the phenomena supportsthe conclusion or just serves as the opposite. Without ruling out otherexplanations about the relationship the author cannot reasonably rely on thisevidence to defense his conclusion. 句型很多变，读起来很有节奏感，描述也准确



Furthermore, the argument unfairly assumesthat the birth order is the only factor to affect the amount of hormone cortisolwhile failing to accounting for alternative possibilities. For example,according to the contrast between the monkeys mentioned in the passage, thedistinctions can be illustrated by their divergence in age. Perhaps with themonkeys growing up, their sensibility to stimulus from the outside environmentjust gradually degrades; or they might become adapted to the impetuses so thatnormal stimulus can no longer motivate them to release hormone cortisols.Without eliminating all these possibilities, it is impossible to assess therelationship deducted by the arguer.



Even admitting the conclusion related torhesus monkeys, deduction on all individuals is based on a false analogy. Thearguer simply assumes the similarity between rhesus monkeys and monkeys ofother kinds我觉得individual应该是只人的个体，因而是猕猴和人的类比，不过我不确定，你再查查资料, even other entirely different species. As we all know, thephysical functions can vary conspicuously among distinctive creatures. If so, itmight be the case that the result of this study can be correctly applied toother monkeys, but the fundamental differences between monkeys and otherspecies, such as their diverse organs performing the function of reacting tostimulus or their various effects of birth order on their growth, are neglectedby the arguer, thereby making the analogy totally convincing. Unless showing afurther study covering a diverse section of all species, the arguer cannot jumpto a conclusion suiting individuals from each species.



Granted that the result provided by the argument might be of certainimportance in the field of biology, the conclusion is not well reasoned forlack of strong support for what the arguer maintains. To make it logicallyacceptable, the arguer would have to demonstrate a more representative sampleof the monkeys and in this way, could  achieve a sufficient conclusion. Inaddition, in order to solidify the argument, more evidence is required concerning thecorrelation between the rhesus monkeys and other species.
1.语言相当漂亮！请问你是怎么做到的呢？求经验丫^^
2.关于攻击顺序，我觉得把最主要的攻击论证的错误放在首段，攻击论据的小错误比如统计数据统一放在最后一段会比较震撼，如果是我写的话，可能会把你的第四点放到第一点
3.结构完整，分析具有说服力，尤其是每段的开头和总结

dennis_szsyUID: 3133539

...刚刚才看到是花了3,4个小时写的，一开始以为30分钟码了那么多字...

chasedream2012UID: 3238888

文笔不错，论证不错，不过感觉模板性有点强！我最近看到的argument好像都有这个特点啊，我自己的也是，感觉北美范文借鉴太多了。个人愚见哦！

shinian1987UID: 2797009

good job.

paranoUID: 3236147

厉害。。。我是刚开始准备，压力挺大。。。