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[求助] 【Daily Writing作文特训小组】希望高人们批改我的作文~~~ [复制链接]

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发表于 2012-5-12 10:57:01 |显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 smmlly 于 2012-5-14 22:15 编辑

The government has announced that it plans to build a new university. Some people think that your community would be a good place to locate the university. Compare the advantages and disadvantages of establishing a new university in your community. Use specific details in your discussion.





There is a public discussion nowadays about whether a new university should be built in our community. Those who object to build next to our apartments argue that there are lots of disadvantages for people who lived nearby, they believe that more people means more sounds pollution. But people who favor the idea, on the other hand, argue that building a new university around could have more taxes, and that would make government pay more attention to amenities.


In my opinion, our community should build the university. For one thing, if there is a new university in our community, a lot of students would live here, and that means there would have a lot of shops, markets, even shopping malls. And these architects would absolutely convenient locals.
I remembered when i was in college, there are abundant restaurants or shops around our university, and that not only convenient for us students, but also convenient for the peoples who lived nearby,
they can make a phone call and let waiters send foods front their doors just as what we did.


Another contributory factor of building university in our community is health. After completing the university, there would have a new studio, and this architect would not be only used by students in campus, but also people who are local. And after using this new studio, it could release the problem of the crowds of studio which we are using that we faced now. people would have a new choice to do sports, and more people would have chance to do sports, that means our community's people would be more healthy.


Superior as advantages are, it still has its own disadvantages. Personal experience leads me to conclude that safety always a big problem for the university and people who lived there. Because of convenience, there would have many people surge into the region where the university is, and that suggests the increasing rate of crime, which directly influence the normal lives of people who lived nearby.


When the advantages and disadvantages of building a new university in our community are carefully compared, the most striking conclusion is obvious. As what i have said before, the advantages of building are much more than disadvantages. So there should be a new university in our community.


求各位大神帮帮忙,我6月30号的~
肥牛一个飘过~

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发表于 2012-5-12 21:05:57 |显示全部楼层
自己顶一下,过一天再看自己的这篇作文,我觉得首先是词汇比较贫乏,句式变化很少。其次,模板套用痕迹过于明显。段落的结构上我觉得还是可以的,每一段也都有自己的举例,这方面应该还可以。
p.s  这篇作文加上构思我一共写了50分钟,看来还有很长的一段托福路要走了。
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发表于 2012-5-13 16:09:01 |显示全部楼层
好吧,为什么一直木有人呢?难道是我写的真的连改也没法改吗?反思中~~~
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发表于 2012-5-13 16:10:41 |显示全部楼层
再添一篇今天写的。不知道有没有进步~~~


Holidays honor people or events. If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor and how would you want people to celebrate it? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.



If i have a chance to create a new holiday to celebrate some honored people or event, i would obviously choose Abraham Lincoln for the person to celebrate.

First of all, Abraham Lincoln is a person who led American people to revolute from the old and unacceptable rules for the black slaves. He made his voice heard by his real activities what the bravery is. How brave he was when he decided to fight against the south and he has only a few people followed with him. And after he is president of America, he still showed his bravery to every American. Under a lot of pressure, he did not put his head down, but insisted to his promise when he did before the war. And that is one reason why i want to celebrate Abraham Lincoln as a holiday.

Secondly, abundant qualities which are educational for us students are also responsible for the reason i select him for a holiday to celebrate. i have heard by my teacher that Abraham Lincoln had been treated bad when he is young. But he did not abandon himself, but study hard by himself. And even in a very poor environment, he was ambitious to be a useful person to the society, and did not give up learning form every aspect he met. And looking back to us students, we are in a peaceful environment and we have no problem of serving ourselves. So i believe making Abraham Lincoln as the person who we should celebrate is the best choice to encourage people to work and study more hard.

At last, there is absolutely a reason for us to believe that Abraham Lincoln is not only a great politician but also a great lecturer. When he is young, he had showed his humor and excellent to the people around him. Once he was walking to the city, he saw a person driving on the road, and he stopped the driver to let the driver take his coat to the city, and driver asked him how to give back the coat, Lincoln said that he can be involved in the coat. And humor of him not only help him escape from embarrassment, but also help make people remember him and trust him when he is president.

The reason why i choose Abraham Lincoln has not clearly expressed, but for the three reason i have just said before, i trust it is enough for us to make Abraham Lincoln as a person who shall be honored as a holiday to celebrate.
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发表于 2012-5-14 22:54:56 |显示全部楼层
4# smmlly
how would you want people to celebrate it? 题目中这个你没写吧

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发表于 2012-5-15 14:37:41 |显示全部楼层
对哦,我完全没有意识到,写的时候只顾着前半句话就赶紧展开了 5# wpc302
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发表于 2012-5-24 19:52:05 |显示全部楼层
最近没有网络上网,一次性贴三篇文章
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发表于 2012-5-24 19:52:46 |显示全部楼层
What are some important qualities of a good supervisor (boss)? Use specific details and examples to explain why these qualities are important.


when it comes to what is the most important characteristics for a great boss, the majority of people argue that hardworking  is the most important for him, but other people consider this issue differently. In my own opinion, a boss should have these qualities i would show below as a respected person.

First of all, a good boss should be actively and energetic that would encourage stuffs when they are working. It is useful for a boss that to organize some activities periodically, which could increase the unity and creativity of the group. And the more a group is energetic, the more efficient the group would be. As they work efficient, the group would have greater achievements and lots of complains will disappear in the offices. as i have been in a company working for 2 years, my supervisor is a humor man and he always get our group together and have parties for any reason that is believable. And after these parties, we know each other better and treat work as a enjoyment than a task.

Secondly, a good boss should be honest to both his supervisor and his stuffs. If a boss is dishonest to his stuff, he would exactly be treated unbelievable. What will happen when both sides treat each other dishonest? i believe the result is easy to see, and the ending of this group must be unhappy, so, to avoid this phenomenon display in the office, the boss should have the characteristic of honesty. And that could help stuffs have a good relationship both to companies and supervisors. As an example, a great Chinese historical hero cao is such a person. He did not trust their stuffs and often lied to his stuffs to make them loyal to him, but he could not believe that when enemy comes, the first person who surrounded is the one he trusts most.

At last, a good boss should be the person who is responsible for any results that could happen; no matter the result is good or bad.

There are so many characteristics that a boss should have, and so important are these characteristics that a boss should have. So if a person want to be a leader, he should learn how to have these characteristics first.
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发表于 2012-5-24 19:53:16 |显示全部楼层
Should governments spend more money on improving roads and highways, or should governments spend more money on improving public transportation (buses, trains, subways)? Why? Use specific reasons and details to develop your essay.


Once government meet the problem of spending money on improving roads or improving public transportation, there would be a debate among people lived in city. some people hold the opinion that government should improve roads that could release the pressure of traffic, but at the same time, other people do not agree, the believe that improving public transportation is the most effective method to solve the problem of transportation in city. From my point of view, government spends money on improving public transportation is much better than improving roads or highways.

The main purpose of government to solve the problem of transportation is the density of cars are soaring up that nowadays transportation could not afford. So release the pressure of roads is absolutely first and most important trouble that needs to be solved. People would have a more convenient life than before, if government improves public transportation. as we can see, the local people just like us whose purpose of buying a car is obvious,convenience is the first thing we would consider, if we have more choice of taking public transportation, do we still have to buy a new car even the car is useless? As we can see, the problem of pressure transportation could be solved as easily as we can do.

For another thing, the more cars on the road, the more pollution would be created. Improving public transportation could help people to reduce using private car and it would make less greenhouse effect. Each time we use public transportation instead of private car, we could help not only our environment in cities but also the balance of ecology just as said of butterfly effect.

But one coin has two sides. Good as improving public transportation still have its own problem. the more public transportations the city have, the more workers the government need, and the more workers means the more families would live in city. The density of people who lived in the city would increase rapidly, and the pressure of daily life such as housing, the education of children would broad on the table of the government.

When the advantages and disadvantages of two ways of solving the problem of transportation are carefully compared, the most striking conclusion self-evident. Even improving public transportation have some of disadvantages, its advantages is much more than those disadvantages. And i assume that improving public transportation would be the best choice to spend money on.
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发表于 2012-5-24 19:53:44 |显示全部楼层
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.


When talked about the pact that recently more and more people establish the most important aspect of a work with how much a person earns, people divided into two parts. some people hold the opinion that the most part of a job must be the money a person earned, they argue that as a scale to decide how much achievement of a person have, the money that the person earned is the best way; at the same time, other people oppose the idea that the most important aspect should not be the money a person earned, which they think of the disadvantages of a person who pursuit the money but ignore the law or the family. From my point of view, i suppose the idea that people should not go after the money as the most important part of a job.

First of all, when people treat money as the most important part of a job, they would do whatever they could do to make money, as they would steal even rob other people. some people is clever enough that they could use their brilliant to pursuit money from the company they worked in, as an example of the famous Chinese merchant whose name is wang, he use his convenient that he could touch the president of the province, he always make money from the information that he should not listen to. From all instances around us or heard form internet, people could easily make the conclusion that if a person goes after the money too much, they would do something that we should not do and we are not allowed to do.

Secondly, some people treat making money as their final goal of their work, they would use any time they could use to make money, and that means, he has little time to spend with their family members. As we can see, less time people spend with their family members, less care they could feel from their family members. And long after that, they could feel a gap with their family members and feel lonely. As my own experience, my father used to be a worker who worked in a big company and he has little time with me and my mother even in the weekends. long after he worked as a business man, he earned a lot of money that our family have no trouble in living as a rich man, but i could not image what my father look like sometimes, and i did not know what i should say to my father because i have not talked with him for a long time, so he felt lonely at that time and feel bad on his health. So he decided to leave that company and change his job. After that, everything became better than before although we have less salary than before.


From all above i have said, there are so many disadvantages if people believe that the most important aspect of a job is the money a person earns, so i consist on my opinion that people should not treat making money as the most important part of a job.
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RE: 【Daily Writing作文特训小组】希望高人们批改我的作文~~~ [修改]

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