习作,请指正!任何意见都是宝贵的!

lifei00987UID: 3214997

With the increasing use of mobile phones and computers, fewer people write letters. Some people think that the traditional skill of letter writing will completely disappear. To what extent do you agree or disagree?  

More and more people are using mobile phones and computers to communicate with friends and family members. Some people predict that letters will be completely replaced by emails in the near future. But I do not think so. In my opinion, letter writing has its own advantages when compared with cellphones and computers, though these two ways of communication are more convenient and efficient.

It's evident that mobile phones and computers are constantly consolidating their status as two dominant methods people communicating with each other nowadays. Obviously, they are more convenient than writing letters. Unlike writing letters, we do not need to spend time preparing stamps and envelops, or walking ten minutes to the post office to send the letter, when we communicate using mobile phones or computers. We can send out an email with very little effort, no more effort than several taps on the keyboard. Cellphones and emails are also more efficient for people to communicate with each other. The information can reach the recipient immediately, and we can get his or her feedback without delay, which is impossible in letter writing. Thirdly, letter writing consumes papers, the production of which leads to deforestation. So communication using cellphones and computers are comparatively more environmental friendly.

Undeniably, letter writing has its own advantages. Receiving a letter is a special experience nowadays, with the proliferation of mobile phones and computer. Letters are more touching than emails, for they always convey a hint of beauty and serenity, which is missing in the emails. I wrote my girl friend a letter every week when I was courting her. She told me these letters played a major role in my success. She likes receiving a carefully written love letter and then showing it off among her girl friends, whose boyfriends send them only emails.

The proliferation of mobile phones and computers are a great advance of the human society. But they will never completely replace letter writing, which is always more carefully prepared, and thus more touching.

lifei00987UID: 3214997

:)

robinzrUID: 2231621

用word改的，试了好几次，修改记录没办法贴上来，这是final的样子。lz累点了，自己看看吧。

More andmore people are using mobile phones and computers to communicate with their friendsand family members. Some people predict that letters will be completelyreplaced by emails in the near future. But I do not think so. In myopinion, however, letter writing has its own advantages when comparedwith cellphones and computers, though cellphones and computers seem moreconvenient and efficient.

It's evident that mobile phones and computersare constantly consolidatingtheir status (not sure what it means) as two dominant methods of  communicating  nowadays. They are more convenient thanwriting letters for a number of reasons. Unlike writing letters, we do not needto spend time preparing stamps and envelops, or walking ten minutes to the postoffice to send the letter, when using mobile phones or computers. Furthermorecellphones and emails are also more efficient for people to communicate witheach other. The information can be received by the recipient immediately, andwe can get his or her feedback without delay, which is impossible in letterwriting. Thirdly, letter writing consumes papers, which leads to the consumptionof our precious natural resources. Therefore, communication by using cellphonesand computers are comparatively more environmentally friendly.

Undeniably, letter writing has its ownadvantages. Receiving a letter is a special experience, with the proliferation???of mobile phones and computer. Letters are more touching than emails, for theletters always convey a hint of beauty and serenity, which is missing in theemails. I wrote my girl friend a letter every week when I was courting her (better tobe more formal). She told me these letters played a major role in my success(not theright expression). She likes receiving a carefully written love letter and thenshowing it off among her girl friends, whose boyfriends send them only emails.
(it is an interesting example, but try to be formal instead of too casual. Youare writing for a serious exam here)
The proliferation of mobile phones andcomputers are a great advance of the human society. But they will nevercompletely replace letter writing, which is always more carefully prepared, andthus more touching.

lifei00987UID: 3214997

robinzr 发表于 2012-6-20 15:47
用word改的，试了好几次，修改记录没办法贴上来，这是final的样子。lz累点了，自己看看吧。

...

非常感谢你的细心修改！
好像很多问题出在连接词方面。这真是一个矛盾。一方面不能写的太像模板，另一方面不能不用。还要继续好好揣摩连接词的使用
consolidatingtheir status as 是从十天攻克里面学来的“高分”句型。巩固地位
看来最好只是议论和推断了。举例虽然可以有趣，但是不是很合适。

lifei00987UID: 3214997

robinzr 发表于 2012-6-20 15:47
用word改的，试了好几次，修改记录没办法贴上来，这是final的样子。lz累点了，自己看看吧。

...

你觉得我语法、时态方面怎么样？
单词丰富性以及用词的适用度？

robinzrUID: 2231621

模板要看，但也要理解，套用的太明显也不好。
举例当然可以的，但这个例子我觉得有点表述不好，并不是说例子本身不好，换一种说法会感觉不一样。
比如：
Handwriting can be more vivid and touching to show one's affection to their loved ones. Reading through the characters certainly gives the reader the satisfaction that modern communication tools can not give. For instance, once my girlfriend also mentioned that my continuously handwriting letters had impressed her and made a great contribution in our relationship.

lifei00987UID: 3214997

robinzr 发表于 2012-6-20 16:52
模板要看，但也要理解，套用的太明显也不好。
举例当然可以的，但这个例子我觉得有点表述不好，并不是说例 ...

不错不错，比我强太多了。范文水平啊

robinzrUID: 2231621

lifei00987 发表于 2012-6-20 16:48
你觉得我语法、时态方面怎么样？
单词丰富性以及用词的适用度？

时态问题不大，语法也可以，就一些小地方。
提高点句子的连贯。还有正确的表述方式。
一些套用的词可以，但要理解

舍得2011UID: 3184645

不要一篇一篇的改吧,好浪费时间.准备作文要注意平时恰好时间,看自己能否啰嗦写出需要的字,还有是否能灵活应用得分的词组.:)

bqianaUID: 193168

5-5.5