又求Romanus指导作文

sunshinewuUID: 3039225

TOPIC： If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
   

Our school is very beautiful. But it's really a pity that we even don't have a basketball court. There are a lot of boys in our school, but we can only go to other schools to play basketball. If we have our own basketball court, we can play our favorite game with our best friends and have a lot fun, also we can have a healthy body and relaxed ourselves.
    First of all, a lot of students in our school love playing basketball very much include many girls. If we have a basketball court, we can play our favorite game every day. We do not need to stay in dormitory to watch NBA on TV; while we can play by ourselves now. We play with our best friends, what a good opportunity for us to communicate with each other and have fun together.
    Additionally, if we have a basketball court, we can get a good relaxation from the heavy academic studies .We have a lot of courses every day. For example, English, history, geography, and mathematics and so on. We are very tired after a full day of academic studies, we need a good relaxation, but we even don't have a basketball court. If we have a basketball court, we can play our favorite game with our best friends. We forget ourselves and intoxicated in the fun basketball give us.
     Finally, if we have a basketball court, it is also means we have a healthy body. We are running and jumping and that really works the heart and lungs. We are getting our blood pumping and our breathing is accelerated. We also get the benefits of strengthen our muscles, increasing our flexibility and burning fat. Moreover, we are increasing our speed. It is really an amazing workout for our body.
     In conclusion, we can play our favorite sport, get a good relaxation, and have a healthy body. so why not build a new basketball court in our school?

我爱SOHOUID: 3338339

能跟帖求修改么……:p

sunshinewuUID: 3039225

我爱SOHO 发表于 2012-7-4 14:46
能跟帖求修改么……

可以，看这个帖子

sunshinewuUID: 3039225

我爱SOHO 发表于 2012-7-4 14:46
能跟帖求修改么……

可以，看这个帖子https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... D196%26typeid%3D196

mpromanusUID: 2565872

If you could make one important change in a school that you attended, what change would you make? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.


Our school is very beautiful. But it's really a pity that we even don't even have a basketball court. There are a lot of boys in our school, but we can only go to other schools to play basketball. If we have our own basketball court, we can play our favorite game with our best friends and have a lot fun, also we can have a healthy body and relaxed ourselves.(You get these benefits by playing basketball, not necessarily only from playing basketball at your school. I mean, why would playing in other schools' courts make the basketball playing less enjoyable and less beneficial to your health? It's not because the act of basketball playing itself becomes less beneficial, but the reduced chance of playing basketball that makes the whole practice not as beneficial as it would have been if your own school has a court. Think carefully about where the exact link in your logical flow is. If you can find it, your reasoning would be  一针见血.)

First of all, a lot of students in our school love playing basketball very much include many girls. If we have a basketball court, we can play our favorite game every day. We do not need to stay in dormitory to watch NBA on TV; while we can play by ourselves now. (You said in the introduction that you can go to other schools to play, and here you seem to suggest that you can't play at all without a court in your own school. If, by 'go to other schools', you mean that you can only play basketball if you attend other schools, then this makes sense, otherwise I don't really understand the apparent discrepancy.) We play with our best friends, what a good opportunity for us to communicate with each other and have fun together. (This is a run-on. Each of the two parts in this sentence is a sentence on its own, and in proper written English you can't put two sentences together using just a comma. You need to use a conjunction like 'and', 'or', or change the comma to a semicolon/colon.)

Additionally, if we have a basketball court, we can get a good relaxation from the heavy academic studies .We have a lot of courses every day. For example, English, history, geography, and mathematics and so on. (This is not a complete sentence. It needs to be joined to the previous sentence: 'We have a lot of courses every day: English, etc., for example'.) We are very tired after a full day of academic studies, we need a good relaxation, (Another run-on. Please make quite sure that you understand why these are wrong and how to correct them. Use 'and' when you're not sure – they don't look the best but they make your sentence grammatical.) but we even don't have a basketball court. If we have a basketball court, we can play our favorite game with our best friends. (This sounds like you can only relax by playing your favourite game and nothing else – I find the reasoning quite awkward.) We forget ourselves and get intoxicated ('intoxicate' indicates a degree of excitement that is really intense, that is verging on affecting the proper functioning of your brain – so it's usually associated with very intense emotions like 'success'. It seems a bit over the top here to me.) in the fun basketball give us.
Finally, if we have a basketball court, it is also means we have a healthy body. We are running and jumping and that really works the heart and lungs. We are getting our blood pumping and our breathing is accelerated. We also get the benefits of strengthening our muscles, increasing our flexibility and burning fat. Moreover, we are increasing our speed. It is really an amazing workout for our body.(You can get these benefits through any form of intensive physical activity, e.g. rope-jumping in your classroom :) so why is basketball particularly important? Think about it :))

In conclusion, we can play our favorite sport, get a good relaxation, and have a healthy body. so why not build a new basketball court in our school?

总结:

语法上请特别注意run-on句子，在文中以红色给你标出。上次修改已经给你指出过了，英文句子不能用逗号直接连接起来，要么有连词，要么换成分号/冒号，要么用从句：

We are working really hard, we will do well in the exams. （错）
We are working really hard, and/so we will do well in the exams.（对，有连词）
We are working really hard; we will do well in the exams.（对，有适当标点）
This is the ball, I bought it yesterday.（错）
This is the ball I bought yesterday.（对，从句）

论述上依然倾向于主观感情写法，就是感觉你整篇文章就是在努力说篮球怎么好怎么好而基本没有考虑你的理由是否真的important。。不是说你这样写不对，而是说服力很一般。。我个人喜欢找等价例子，也就是像我在文章中给你的评论那样的：如果有另外一种活动能够起到和你所述的篮球的好处同样的好处，那么，篮球的importance何在？这样去想的话，就容易挖掘出更加有力的观点。。