【独立写作】写作 by ys757

ys757UID: 3351330

真心求互改！  本人水平限，但绝对保证尽心修改与我互改的T友
家门口一直在修路，所以最近家里总是停电，不能及时上网，所以对同组的同学造成的影响，给赔礼道歉啦！:)

非常感谢帮我批改的同学，尤其是猛批的同学
7.25.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 13)

2012-7-26 20:32:04 上传

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25日的作文

7.26.doc (19.5 KB, 下载次数: 16)

2012-7-26 20:32:06 上传

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26日的作文

7.27 writing by ys757.doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 23)

2012-7-27 21:11:32 上传

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27好的作文

7.28 writing by ys757.doc (18 KB, 下载次数: 17)

2012-7-29 18:49:19 上传

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28号作文

8.1 writing by ys757.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 21)

2012-8-1 19:38:20 上传

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1号的作文

8.2 writing by ys757 .doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 22)

2012-8-3 15:29:49 上传

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2号作文

8.4 writing by ys757.doc (19.5 KB, 下载次数: 12)

2012-8-4 17:32:11 上传

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4号的作文

8.6 writing by ys757.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 8)

2012-8-6 21:14:37 上传

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6号的作文

8.11 writing by ys757.doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 17)

2012-8-12 02:50:03 上传

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11号的作文

8.14 writing by ys757.doc (18 KB, 下载次数: 15)

2012-8-15 01:36:09 上传

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14号的作文

8.16 writing by ys757.doc (18 KB, 下载次数: 11)

2012-8-17 18:06:38 上传

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8.19 writing by ys757.doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 15)

2012-8-20 00:49:10 上传

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8.20 writing by ys757.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 7)

2012-8-20 23:28:28 上传

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8.21 writing by ys757.doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 11)

2012-8-21 21:57:16 上传

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21日的独立作文

8.22 writing by ys757.doc (18.5 KB, 下载次数: 12)

2012-8-22 21:30:16 上传

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22号的作文

    8.22 综合--ys757.doc (16 KB, 下载次数: 7)

2012-8-23 00:47:51 上传

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8.25 writing by ys757.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 16)

2012-8-26 03:38:21 上传

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8.27 writing by ys757.doc (19 KB, 下载次数: 11)

2012-8-27 23:29:29 上传

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tom_cybamicUID: 2475644

7.24-ys757-revised by tom.doc (29 KB, 下载次数: 14)

2012-7-25 11:15:49 上传

下载次数: 14

改好了~多交流~

ys757UID: 3351330

tom_cybamic 发表于 2012-7-25 11:16
改好了~多交流~

恩 这篇我有点写跑题了 不好意思哈  看到你们写的 我才知道我写跑题了  

我当成the leaders are the part of makeing a decision

eileen73UID: 3256364

7.24已改~楼主过目

mayijieUID: 3280191

:victory:

my2013UID: 3215979

mayijie 发表于 2012-7-26 11:02

哎，我不知道在哪里贴附件，也可能是权限不够，楼主将就着看吧！

Our world are becoming smaller and smaller. It only takes few hours for people from one country to another country; people can contact with friends wherever they are with the（因为前面有contact with， 建议换成by，by telephone or Internet貌似更顺口点，google了一下，加the的情况比较少。） telephone or Internet; even people（是不是改成“, even ”更好点） can know about what is happening around the world just at home, even if it may not affect their lives. Therefore, some people think that people should not pay attention to the things have nothing with them and they just need to know about what is happening around themselves. However, I deem that it is important to know about what is happening around the world, no matter if it influences our personal lives.

In the past, people would（改成”might ormay”是不是更好点） spend their whole lives in one place, especially the hometown. Because of lacking enough technical development, no matter studying, working or living, most of them have no choice but living in the same place. While for modern people, there are no any technical obstacles.（前面用的“in the past”感觉这里用 “modern people”不太合适，但“In the modern world”也不太好，如果是我的话可能会说“however, nowadays……”但是下面一句又有“nowadays”，楼主在想想吧！） Most people start to choose universities in other cities; young people always select what city they like to start their career; more and more people prefer living in other countries. Nowadays, our world just like a village! Therefore, people have a closer connection with the world than before. Knowing about what is happening around the world has become a necessary and important task. What is more, most content of common communication between people are what is happening around the world, such as NBA, president election of other countries. If you do not know the world any more, you can not join in the society.（改成“may notkeep pace with the society”是不是更好点，总感觉can 表示的是能不能，这么说太绝对了。
）

Furthermore, it is better for people to expand their scope of knowledge and find good opportunities. Everyday with the newspaper, television and Internet, we can know about what is happening around the world and get different kinds of information. We should not look（好像和information不太搭，我也没想出更好的动词，take a look at 怎样？） these information just for interest and curious. Successful people often search for valuable clues behind the information and make good use of them. For example, Warren Buffett, a famous businessman, he is good at find out business chance from the common things. We may not have such ability as Buffett and make great success like him. However, we can make better choice in the life according to the different information, such as to select where to live in or what job we can earn more money. So knowing about what is happening around the world can help us make better decisions undoubtedly.

In sum, we need to know about the world to adapt this world, to make better chooses and to live a better life. So I strongly support this opinion that it is important to know about what is happening around the world, even if it  doesn't affect your personal lives.


第一次该托福作文，也不知道如何改，建议都是评语感提出的，供楼主参考！整个作文的框架很好诶，中间两端的论证都很充分，首尾呼应，以后要多向楼主学习！:handshake

ys757UID: 3351330

mayijie 发表于 2012-7-26 11:02

你提出的建议非常好，谢谢！ 以后多多交流

ys757UID: 3351330

my2013 发表于 2012-7-26 14:14
哎，我不知道在哪里贴附件，也可能是权限不够，楼主将就着看吧！
Our world are becoming smaller and  ...

唉 我这用词还是不行！  非常感谢！ 多多交流

燕鱼小窝UID: 3249611

请过目

ys757UID: 3351330

燕鱼小窝 发表于 2012-7-27 22:20
请过目

的确有点写偏了， 谢谢啦

tom_cybamicUID: 2475644

7.27 writing by ys757-revised by tom.doc (24 KB, 下载次数: 6)

2012-7-28 20:02:02 上传

下载次数: 6

改好了，多交流~

燕鱼小窝UID: 3249611

请过目

darlyxpUID: 2196136

等你的7.28，有空帮我改 https://bbs.gter.net/forum.php?mo ... &extra=page%3D1

obsolete


7.28 writing by ys757_comments_by_darlyxp.doc (27.5 KB, 下载次数: 1)

2012-7-29 21:49:40 上传

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已改，请参考。

igrowingUID: 3330387

7.28 writing by ys757 revised by igrowing.doc (27.5 KB, 下载次数: 8)

2012-7-30 04:27:27 上传

下载次数: 8

不好意思，今天太忙了，弄到现在才给你改，抱歉抱歉！

smsun823UID: 3355853

已改，见附件。楼主写的很好，学习了