【独立作文】娜加 的作业贴

娜加UID: 2918328

啊呀呀，又超时了。。。怎么办啊！！！

ZoeXUID: 2822447

10-9 独立 娜加revised by ZOE.doc (38.5 KB, 下载次数: 4)

2012-10-10 17:14:08 上传

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改好了~略有点罗嗦，亲权当参考吧~一起加油咯~

娜加UID: 2918328

ZoeX 发表于 2012-10-10 17:14
改好了~略有点罗嗦，亲权当参考吧~一起加油咯~

哈哈，谢谢。真是很中肯！！
被GRE虐完issue脑子转不过来，且有了数字强迫症。。。哎。。。。
加油加油~~~

mpromanusUID: 2565872

娜加 发表于 2012-10-9 21:37
啊呀呀，又超时了。。。怎么办啊！！！

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? : The most important problems affecting our society today could be solved within our lifetime.

Before my discussion, I must answer a question:(In English you can't string two complete sentences together with just a comma and no connective device. This is called a run-on and it's considered ungrammatical.) what are the most important problems affecting our society. As far as I’m concerned, poverty, energy consumption and pollution problems rank as the top 3 on the list. For these three problems, I don’t suppose that they could be solved in future 50 years assuming my life span is 75 years.

Poverty problem (The word 'poverty' in itself means 'the problem of poverty'. Trying to say 'poverty problem' is an obvious indication of direct translation from 贫困问题..) accompanies the education problem (There are many different problems within the broad field of education: lack of teachers; illiteracy; insufficient teaching space and materials; lack of support for special education for disabled and/or talented children..which one is THE education problem? In Chinese when you say 教育问题, it's actually a very vague term – think about it. Do you know what 教育问题 specifically means, i.e. what exactly is the 问题 in the expression 教育问题? You might say 'lack of education for poor kids'. The way Chinese constructs such expression is that there appears to be a vaguely agreed common knowledge of what 教育问题 means, but in English there's no such agreement, therefore the expression 'the education problem' without context makes no sense in English.). The education fund is always invested (You don't 'invest' a fund. You either invest 'in' a fund, which means you put money into the fund hoping for some financial return, or you 'manage' the fund.) by the government. Governments for example in some African countries cannot afford the large expense on education because of serious corruption. And corruption is always brought by the lack of basic education (So in your theory, a person won't be corrupt if he/she has gotten basic education?). We can see it’s a vicious circle which has existed for hundreds of years. The evolution of society is not speedy progression as we have spent 5000 years to walk into modern society. The vicious circle of poor society is not likely to be cut in a short time.(Not exactly. England only started the industrial revolution in the mid 18the century – less than 300 years ago. The 'modern' society you see as of now is the direct result of that. I'm not intending to give you a lesson in history and all but my point is that you can't conclude that people cannot advance fast because in the past they were very slow – the Chinese tend to think because things were so in the past they must be so in the future, but that's sometimes completely illogical. You can only make this conclusion if you can prove that either a slow past will CAUSE a slow future, or that the circumstances and thoughts of these people will remain more or less the same and no internal nor external change is likely to happen to accelerate development.)

Energy consumption is also a harsh problem. Although humanity has devoted in searching for new energy to replace conventional ones since the last century, we can see it has been about 100 years, the energy we mainly use today is still irreproducible. Even more seriously, the amount of consumption each year even augments and it’s hard to convince the population to use the new energy because it’s not stable, not economical, even largely depend on the locations, for instance, wind energy can only be used in blustery regions. So, new energy has too many flaws to overcome in 50 years. (Again, the fact the people have been trying alternative energy for about 100 years without great success – I'd actually personally disagree on the 'without great success' part – doesn't mean it must be IMPOSSIBLE to change all of that in 50 years. It's only that you think the chance of some miraculous new energy source dominating the world within 50 years is very low, given the current situation. The problem with your logical reasoning and wording is that you express the future in very concrete terms –but anything can happen in the future and nobody is able to be absolutely sure about what will happen. What you can do is to make a prediction, then a conclusion about whether something is or is not possible, not jumping into absolute judgment right away.)

Let’s look into the pollution problem which I think is another difficult issue to solve. With the development society (I'm not sure what this means.), more seduction emerges; human gives way to the carnal desire more than repress it. To make money, businessmen pour infected water into rivers, kill endangered animals for food (That is not a 'pollution' issue. Do not just grab any 'environmental' issue you could think of because of 'pollution'..), keep the outdoor advertisement shining even at night, etc. Although the government officials tend to undertake these environmental issues, but hampered by their own desire, they accept bribe then stay silent. Human desire is the key point to cause this problem (So, you mean if human beings don't desire so much we'll have less pollution..well if you go with the statistics, the pirates in Somali are the least polluting people because they have the lowest carbon footprint per capita in the world..) and it’s possible (?) to eliminate in a short time.

In a nutshell, 50 years is a puny period in the evolution of human society, development of science technology and human spiritual evolution. Problems related to them could not be solved in such a short time. It’s definitely that human will have a long-term and constantly struggle in these fields until the day the entire human race evolve to an upper-class creature.(What do you mean by 'an upper-class creature'? Like a Protoss? Many of your expressions are just so directly translated from Chinese and they sound so similar to formal Chinese newspaper articles that they don't make much sense in English..)

总结：

语法请注意单复数和动词介词搭配。。

论述上说你的想法很好，尤其是一开始把问题具体化成三个点，很好！但是1. 你的表达方式实在是太中式官方文章那种又大又空的调调了。。2. 你的论述逻辑也是很中式的，‘因为过去几千年几百年是这样复杂而沉重的，所以未来50年之内没有办法解决’，这本质上是等于在说‘因为这房子过去3000年都是红色的，所以未来50年之内不可能变成蓝色’= = 你只能说根据到现在为止的状况，50年之内突然出现绝好的解决方法的几率很低，所以我觉得可以说这些问题在我们这辈子不可能解决，而不是说根据过去的来看，这么多年都没有解决，所以再过50年也不能解决。。= =

娜加UID: 2918328

mpromanus 发表于 2012-10-13 18:28
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? : The most important problems affecting our ...

哦，谢谢RO老师辛苦批改，很中肯的意见啊~~

我有的时候想表达A是B的充分非必要，例如basic education 不好一定导致corruption，但corruption不完全是因为basic education导致的。但是找不到一个相应的说法，只能一根筋冲过去了。似乎得学着给语言留点余地。

总之还是谢谢，在紧要关头给我提出这么多问题~~

morriscaiUID: 3331615

内容清晰，道理很好，我怎么恍惚间有看北范的感觉呢？为什么？为什么？

娜加UID: 2918328

哦，还有13天，加紧练习~~

niewenjuan123sdUID: 3262544

娜加 发表于 2012-10-14 22:52
哦，还有13天，加紧练习~~

看来我们同一天考

niewenjuan123sdUID: 3262544

赞一个

娜加UID: 2918328

还有12天。

zhengyueshiUID: 2805800

2012-10-15 娜加 独立.doc (32.5 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2012-10-16 17:45:24 上传

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一起加油！

feihong76UID: 3072089

1015 批改稿
2012-10-15 娜加 独立 revised by feihong76.doc (35.5 KB, 下载次数: 2)

2012-10-16 19:19:36 上传

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为梦想加油！

娜加UID: 2918328

feihong76 发表于 2012-10-16 19:19
1015 批改稿

1. 那句话，我想倒装来着的，是不是写得没让大家看出来。
再贴下你看看：
Like for AIDS, just an aware of no contact of body fluid with the patients will us guarantee a security of health.

2.提纲啊，提纲写到第三段的时候，就顾不得了，写完再说。。。哎

谢谢啊~~

吸收阳光UID: 2917267

2012-10-15 娜加 独立revised吸收阳光.doc (34.5 KB, 下载次数: 3)

2012-10-17 09:16:04 上传

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已批改

feihong76UID: 3072089

娜加 发表于 2012-10-16 20:55
1. 那句话，我想倒装来着的，是不是写得没让大家看出来。
再贴下你看看：
Like for AIDS, just an awar ...

just那部分好别扭

我个人的感觉是改成
only being aware of no contact of body fluid with the patients can we guarantee a security of health