- 最后登录
- 2016-2-28
- 在线时间
- 252 小时
- 寄托币
- 714
- 声望
- 45
- 注册时间
- 2011-12-4
- 阅读权限
- 25
- 帖子
- 142
- 精华
- 0
- 积分
- 492
- UID
- 3214626
- 声望
- 45
- 寄托币
- 714
- 注册时间
- 2011-12-4
- 精华
- 0
- 帖子
- 142
|
发表于 2012-11-5 22:00:12
|显示全部楼层
本帖最后由 hb5404 于 2012-12-7 15:17 编辑
11月6日有更新
两周前决心满满地加入了互改小组，写到前几天遇到瓶颈期了——拿到题目瞻前顾后，写得时候举笔不前。于是乎我上寄托搜寻各种帖子寻求解惑。各种经验分享虽然让我有些收获，但今天写作的时候还是笔尖踌躇。最后，我决定还是再一次看看“一坨屎”（ETS）的官方信息，看看有什么启发（主要是OG和在官方网站上发布的范文）。但哪知道越看越迷茫，故发此贴寻求各位的见解（尤其是各位版主啊，搭救搭救吾等吧）。
下面说说我看到的、我想到的和我想问的
OG上对于独立写作的要求前面秋版主已经有相应说过的，见https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1396000-1-1.html六楼
我直指范文和官方点评好了
首先是第一篇范文
DISHONESTY KILLS RELIABILITY
There are certain considerations or factors that everyone takes into account in a relationship.
People may look for honesty, altruism, understanding, loyalty, being
thoughtful etc! Everyone would more or less wish that the person s/he is dealing
with, has some of these virtues above. Putting them in an order according to their
importance, however can be very subjective and relative.
When someone asks him/herself the question “What do I consider to be the
most important thing in my relationship?” the answer depends on a lot of factors
such as how his/her earlier relationships were.
After stating that everyone’s opinion can be different about this, for me honesty,
in other words, always telling the truth is the most important consideration in a relationship.
Opposite of this is inarguably lying and if someone needs to lie, either
s/he is hiding something or is afraid of telling me something.
In any relationship of mine, I would wish that first of all, the person I’m dealing
with is honest. Even though s/he thinks that s/he did something wrong that I wouldn’t
like, s/he’d better tell me the truth and not lie about it. Later on if I find out about
a lie or hear the truth from someone else, that’d be much more unpleasant. In that
case how can I ever believe or trust that person again? How can I ever believe that
this person has enough confidence in me to forgive him/her and carry on with the
relationship from there. So if I cannot trust a person anymore, if the person doesn’t
think I can handle the truth, there’s no point to continuing that relationship.
Although I would like to see altruistic, understanding, thoughtful and loyal behavior from people, an instance of the opposite of these behaviors would not
upset me as much as dishonesty would. Among all the possible behaviors, dishonesty
is the only one for me that terminates how I feel about a person’s reliability.
Therefore honesty would be my first concern and the most important consideration
in a relationship.
要是不把这篇文章放在OG5分范文的位置上，我不会觉得这篇文章能拿满分。其中最主要的原因是觉得这篇文章实质内容十分单薄，而且细致点来说，并不觉得文章很好地展开了论点。下面稍微分析分析吧
前面2段都没有表明自己的想法，而是反复说不同人有不同倾向。终于，在第三段，才拖泥带水地表达了自己的观点。然后终于到展开段了。先是，用了3个不短的句子就反复说，我不爽没诚信的对象（要是我评别人，我会说它冗杂啰嗦）。然后到展开···就俩反问句。然后···没了···最后结尾，作者又表达了她对不诚实对象的不满，反复说相似的事，然后就没有然后了。
以前貌似对这篇文章不怎么上心，也没觉得异常。现在写了一段时间看了好多人的文章和批改，忍不住大不敬地一声吼：“这尼玛都满分啊！”
然后看看评语怎么说的
In this response the writer first approaches the topic by underscoring that a number
of character traits are important to a relationship. The writer then effectively
develops an argument that unlike other negative behaviors, dishonesty or unwillingness
to fully disclose some bad action cannot be forgiven and can be the most
important factor in destroying a relationship. The writer’s language is fluent,
accurate, and varied enough to effectively support the progression and connection
of ideas. There is a variety of sentence structures, including rhetorical questions.
The essay is not mechanically perfect, but as long as such errors are
occasional, minor, and do not interfere with the reader’s understanding, an essay
like this one can still earn a top score.
其中评卷人不咸不淡地说了句“effectively
develops an argument”然后就没有加以解释了。到底她怎么有效了展开了嘛，我怎么就没觉得呢？？？
然后评卷人把重心就放在语言blablabla上了。
当然，我不会局限在一篇范文上的，下面是一篇4分官方文
Always telling the truth in any relationship is really the most important consideration
for many reasons. I could say that when you lie to someone, this person will
not trust you anymore and what is a relationship based on? Trust, confidence, so
the sense of relationship is being lost. Another point is that if the true is ommited
once, it will surely appear sometime, somewhere and probably in the most unexpected
way, causing lots of problems for the ones involved. So, the truth is the
basis for everything.
First, confidence is the most important aspect of a friendship or a marriage, or
anything like that, so, once it is lost, the whole thing goes down in a way that no
one can bear it. To avoid losing confidence, there is only one way, telling the truth,
lying will just help throwing it away. For example, a couple decided to go out on the
weekend, but the man has a party to go with his friends to where he can not take
his girlfriend and then he lies to her saying that he is sick and can not go to the
date. She undertands him and they do not see each other in that weekend, but he
goes to the party and has much fun. Suppose on monday, the girl talks to a friend
that saw him at the party and asked why did not she go with him. She found out the
true and all confidence was lost, the basis for their relation is now gone and what
happens next is that they break up or if they do not, he will persist on lyes and
someday it will end.
What happened to this couple is very common around here and many relationships,
even friends and marriages end because of something like that. Some may
argue that lying once or another will not interfere anything and it is part of a relation,
but I strongly disagree, the most important thing is the true, even if it is to
determine the end of a relation, it must be told. There are more chances to end
something lying than saying what really happened
我的感觉：这篇文章在展开段写了个first，其实就一个分论点（所以不能成为分论点吧）。而且我觉得，展开段叙述也挺啰嗦的，而且如“She found out the
true and all confidence was lost, the basis for their relation is now gone and what
happens next is that they break up or if they do not, he will persist on lyes and
someday it will end.”我会说缺少支撑什么的。当然有些语法错误和用词不当。
让我们看看官方评语吧
This essay earned a score of 4. It clearly develops reasons why lying is a bad
thing, with a first paragraph that introduces the writer’s position (“truth is the
basis for everything”), a hypothetical story in paragraph 2, and a final paragraph
that entertains and quickly dismisses a possible counterargument. All this
amounts to solid development of the idea. The response displays facility in language
use through a variety of sentence structures and the use of clear transitions
between sentences. However, sometimes the writer’s sentences include noticeable
errors in word form (“if the true is ommited,” “lying will just help throwing it
away,” “lying once or another,” “persist on lyes”), and in some places the writer
extends, or “runs on,” a sentence to include many steps in the argument when
using two or more sentences would make the relationships between ideas clearer.
“Some may argue that lying once or another will not interfere anything and it is
part of a relation, but I strongly disagree, the most important thing is the true,
even if it is to determine the end of a relation, it must be told.”
我擦，有那么多优点嘛？！不觉得展开不够逻辑不够嘛？！好吧其实后面有说到结尾处的交代不清。但我觉得其他的也不怎么清啊！而且这里指出的错误我觉得挺严重的，文章这部分令人很难懂他要表达什么。
再看看评语，发现评语的重点还是在语言上了。但就这样，也能4分啊！为什么啊！
后面还有些范文和官网上的范文，但实在是没精力去逐一分析了。但我不知道为什么怎么看怎么不顺眼，觉得要么展开不够要么有好些地方遣词造句都不怎么准确（虽然高分的文章没有太明显的错误）。
综合全部文章，我觉得高分的文章其内容都不怎么丰富，往往就简单的几个分论点甚至本质上就没有分论点！全文就颠来倒去地交代这交代那的。而且，3分文贴的都是那些我们常见的五段文，评卷人倒挑起展开不足的毛病来了。
最主要的，我发现，其实ETS很重视语言啊！思想单薄展开一般（我认为不足）只要语言流畅没有明显错误就可以高分啊！
所以，我又困惑了···我们互改的时候老是说这儿逻辑不清这个展开不够blabla，殊不知高分范文也不见得好到哪（甚至不如咱呢！），而且说来说去就一简单的论点。炒冷饭似的反反复复炒···
--------------------------------------------11月6日更新--------------------------------------------------------
我觉得还是有必要把另一篇接近我们平时五段论的满分范文贴贴。主要问题还是，思想单薄，展开不足（尤其是正面部分的展开）
the traditional virtue of telling the truth in all situations is increasingly doubted by many in today’s world. many believe that telling the truth is not always the best policy when dealing with people. moreover, the line of a “truth” is becoming more and more vague. this essay will explore the importance of telling the truth in relationships between people.
we all understand that often the truth is offending and may not be a very nice thing to both hear or say. lies or white lies often have their advantages. the manipulation of white lies is the most obvious the business world. how many times have we heard that some product is “the finest” or “the cheapest”? how many times have we heard that products have such and such “magical functions”? advertising is about persuasion, and many would agree that if a company is to tell the absolute truth about it’s products, no one would be interested in even having a look at the products.
the same logic applies to human relationships. if your friend had worn a newly purchased dress on her birthday and energetically asked you if it was a worthy buy, would you freely express your opinion that you had never seen a dress as the one she’s currently wearing? and spoil her birthday? unarguably, hiding(entirely or particially) the truth in some situations can be quite handy indeed. confrontations and disputes can seemingly be avoided.
however, there is always the risk factor of the truth emerging sooner or later when telling an untruth. the basic trust in any relationships(businessman/customer, friends, parents/children) will be blotched, and would have an impact on the future relationship between both parties. the story of the “the boy who cried wolf” fully illustrates the consequenes of telling untruths. no one will believe you when you’re telling the truth. your word will have no weighting.
in addition, another “bad factor” of telling untruths is that you have absolutely no control over when the truth(of previous untruths) will emerge. untruths breed pain in both parties: tears when the truth is uncovered after a period of time; fear and the burden of sharing a “secret”. in the long run, it seems that hiding the truth is not beneficial to either party.
everyone hates betrayal. even if it is the trend to occasionally hide the truth in relationships, it is strongly recommended that not to follow that trend as the risk and the consequences of the truth unfolded overwhelms the minimal advantages one can derive from not telling the truth. afterall, it is understood that relationships are founded on “trust” which goes hand in hand with “truth”. indeed telling the truth is the most important consideration in any relationship between people.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
最后，我得出了这样的想法和问题：是不是我们只要写出了与话题有关（注意，不是那种死扣题意，绝对主流的符合题意，有时候还稍嫌走题，如附件中5分范文），但只要你能反反复复点题，不尽其烦地强调观点，适时的加上些展开。当然啦，不能有明显错误，语言要流畅多样等，就可以得高分甚至满分了？？？
当然我知道我们平时套路写的好文章也肯定会得高分的，但我现在感觉貌似没抓住托福独立写作的最主要的要求。有人可能会说管那么多做什么，都写好肯定没问题。但是要知道精力能力有限啊，不可能一下子就鸟枪换炮吧？抓住要点集中突破不更有效嘛？毕竟我短期的目的只是为了拿考试的高分啊（当然，我很乐意长期提升我英语，甚至是语言水平的！）
如果觉得这篇帖子很无聊，见谅，无视我即可。但希望有同样感想或对OG、官方思想有深刻见地的同学不吝赐教啊！也希望各版主赏个脸，拯救小菜鸟吧！
PS：附件中是官方网站上发布的范文
|
|
GO
发表于 2012-11-5 22:02:06
发表于 2012-11-6 11:05:10
转发
