Issue2 习作点评 by imong

galaxysongUID: 152834

Before putting into a pair of scales [???] the benefits and the damages of competition to the society, I suggest first analyzing where these advantages and disadvantages come from.

Competition is inevitable to everything in the universe. Every individual thing exists in and thus is confined by a certain situation whose status and change are beyond its control. The continuous requirement of the thing for input, namely resources, can only be met by its situation. Therefore, it has no other choice but to adapt itself to such situation. Otherwise it will slow its development or even decay to its end. If there are many individuals of the same sort under the same restraint of resources, as in most cases, fights and conflicts for resources for each one’s own use, in other words, competition, will be produced by the law of nature.

Our civilizations and we humans are not exceptions. Competition is everywhere in the world. It can never be avoided or even eliminated. If one person (or group) does not have to face competition, this means two things.

One thing is that the person will get inertial and reluctant to progress, because lack of competition helps to get him rid of responsibility, and reward too, for his work. If the results are no different, it is naturally advisable for one to choose an easier and more convenient way. In such a favorable condition away from challenges and difficulties for too long, one’s capabilities and energy will flag. And when his circumstance comes to [??] a tough change, he will be confronted with amplified challenges.

The other thing is that someone else must pays for his bill, as both a result of and a reason for his avoidance of competition. A giant business group, such as GE before Jack Welch became its CEO, has many child companies. A child company runs as a ring in the supply chain of the whole group, and partly or completely, has no necessity to compete seriously with similar companies in the open market. Bureaucracy grows and improvement delays. Loss of such a company is diverted by and to its parent group, in means like that the group purchases goods from the company at a higher price than that could be found in the external market fraught with competition. When the group is able to afford this loss, and usually there is compensation of profit from its children, in case of Scale Effect (the bigger a business is, the cheaper its product gets), everything will be OK. However, as soon as the group fails to win enough profit and goes bankrupt in the competition at a higher level, its children will suffer a tragedy or doom. And if there is only one group which dominates or occupies the market and has no threatening rivals, the group will unconsciously or calculatingly slows down its paces forward. Then, as a monopoly emerges, it will be the customers and the society that pays the bill. That’s what economists have long discussed about and why they have generally agreed on promoting competition.

A contrast between the disparate roads taken by China and Japan will perfectly elucidates what competition can introduce to the society. New China managed to turn nearly all businesses throughout the country into state-owned. And the widely applied equalization of wages among workers marked the success in minimizing competition within the country. National monopolies abounded and people became less and less satisfied by what those inertial product providers (the term of company could hardly be seen in China then) could supply. Over the ocean, Japan, who had made China and itself into debris in World War II, chose a way full of competition between free and independent enterprises, with proper policies to guide. This undoubtedly contributed greatly to Japan’s prominent take-off and rise in the global economy. Without the reform around 1980s, China may never overtake Japan and would fall in danger of repeat of the terrible aggression.

Competition, or rather to say, the mechanism and climate for competition, can expose the loss caused by inertia by returning the responsibility and concern to where it should be. Low income, bankrupt, unemployment and so on, are created not by competition but by those who, captured by inertia, deserve them. While others who manage to forge ahead in competition, will survive and thrive. Resources, always limited and relatively scarce, will be utilized in more and more efficient and beneficial ways by winners of competition. And society as a whole benefits much more than it suffers.

galaxysongUID: 152834

说明一下：[?]表示有怀疑，[??]是拿不准，[???]是大胆的尝试。大家知道是对是错的，请指出赐教；不清楚对错的，就不用管它了。

galaxysongUID: 152834

原先的被转移到文摘区去了：
http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=160771
高兴之余发现没人跟帖，不经怀疑有没有人再看过。
我可认真重写的，不能这样埋没了吧。希望大家比较一下，这一篇有什么改进。

imongUID: 140258

好文章我想我不应该错过哦 :D 进入正题

I suggest first analyzing where these advantages and disadvantages come from. 这句话我没看懂？where... come from是什么？

whose status and change 这个change感觉不太爽，如果是什么evolution之类的词也许好一点（但是evolution好像也不准确）

are not exceptions 应该是are no exceptions？

Competition is everywhere in the world. 这里用is everywhere恐怕不合适？

It can never be avoided or even eliminated. 这个递进关系？我觉得even的话不如用not to mention，总觉得用even的前后关系就变味儿了

this means two things. 这里建议和后面衔接再smooth一些

get inertial 动词用get是否合适（become？），inertial这个形容词我不能肯定，我自己没用过。

when his circumstance comes to [??] 这个come to 的确有问题，改成subject to 突变？还有尽量不要通篇his，sexist language能避免还是尽量避免，少用一点吧。

Without the reform around 1980s, China may never overtake Japan and would fall in danger of repeat of the terrible aggression. 这个结论离你的论据有点远了。前面一直在说中国不如日本，怎么结尾突然就中国超过去了？！中间肯定省东西了，而你省略掉的东西和你的主题其实关系不大，中国怎么超过日本的和你要论述competition没太大关系。索性你的结论就落在197x年中国远远落后算了。这一点在将来的写作中也要注意，例子的相关性！以及前后论述结论的一致性。

imongUID: 140258

倒着数最后的3个body的论证有几个小问题：这三个里面的第一个比较单薄，而且段内的coherence不好，论述有点跳，support也不太够。第二个则是例子叙述太长了点，而分析性的东西略缺。第三段和前面的衔接应该再稍微加一点transition，避免突兀。

好了，鸡蛋里挑骨头完毕。这篇文章能不能拿六分不敢说，至少至少得有5分吧？以上几点意见可以参考一下，我想这篇文章写到这个程度已经足够了，下一个题目吧。btw你写得好长，强啊~~ :D

白天做了一天的实验，晚上终于把明天要用的原料给制出来了，然后回来点评一篇好文，不错不错。:)

imongUID: 140258

突然觉得自己有点怪怪的~~只顾着挑刺也不把优点指出来，这算什么点评？

突出优点就是：逻辑和语言都好（-_-'）……的确是这样。galaxy这几篇文章的用词组句都相当不错，值得学习。关于大胆尝试，我还是那句话，自己要事后make sure，这样一来进步非常快的。这篇文章的逻辑构架很清楚，先做好一个铺垫，把必要的概念前提说清楚，然后从两个角度展开，把自己的论点说了个十足十。段间的衔接和段内的coherence基本上都不错的。

galaxysongUID: 152834

imong的评论等我下网后细看。先说声谢谢。

galaxysongUID: 152834

1 “I suggest first analyzing where these advantages and disadvantages come from. ”中的“advantages and disadvantages”指的是前半句的“the benefits and the damages ”，可能又犯了错误。我写的时候指觉得它们两对是一致的，而忘了其实意思是不同的。另外，不知有没有“suggest doing”的用法。好像没有，忘了标[??]。
2 改成“Every ...whose present status and futrue trend are beyond its control.”如何？
3 “Our civilizations and we humans are no exceptions.”用“no”是强调么？“not”在语法上也说得通吧？
4 “Competition is everywhere in the world.”只是我个人见解，倒与英文表达无关，我真的是这样认为的。
5 “avoided or even eliminated”用得的确不好，“avoided, not to mention eliminated”更合适。
6 “two things”后一段开头就是“One thing is that...”，还不smooth？或者应在“two things”后加“as follows”？
7 “get inertial”中“get”就是become的意思。正因为“get”像“have”一般有灵活的语义，我才喜欢用它们，——如果找不到或不值得琢磨更贴切的词的话。inertial和inertia是个很有用的词，比如psychological inertia，是在“创新学”TRIZ中的基础概念。
8 我是反对性别歧视的，以前也常常写“his/her”之类，不愿忽视女性，但有时这样实在太罗嗦，不得以忍痛用his以偏概全。毕竟man和mankind还在指整个人类。
9 中间一段的确过于肥大，全文到很像一条鱼。没控制住。我的事例论证的能力还不足，而且有娓娓道来的倾向，以为读者都像我一样喜欢寻根究底（所以连Scale Effect都写了）。