帮忙一篇TWE习作 感激不尽!!!

applelemonmeUID: 154500

:D 50． Some people like to do only what they already do well. Other people prefer to try new things and risk.

There’re more and more people in preference of tasting new things and taking risks in their limited life time. So many people want to change their fixed life style after daily boring work. I need more exciting challenge to keep my mind filled with new ideas and opinions.

Trying new things and take risk provide people with challenge, chance and experience. Though barriers, risk and wrong direction always block the way to our aims, the process of exploring the world out of our eyes commands us with. That’s the sense I just stick to.

As the Nick said, “Just do it”, the watchword contains a lot of meanings. I like TV show very much, but I didn’t have any formal performance training and was lack of experience. I decided to study further in Beijing Broadcast College, the best broadcast college in china, after I graduated. I went Beijing alone to have interview while my classmates was studying in school. I was so nervous that I couldn’t control my figures and made more than 3 times during I play flute in the interview. I was very depressed and ask the interviewer allowed me play again. Then I complete the song very fluently without nervous. I appreciated to the interviewer give me chance again, which rebuilt my confidence at that time ever further. I regretted I can’t enter the college with the lower special score, but I never regretted to have at try. It was a lose interview but a successful evidence to my dream in my life.

Sometimes, lacking experience is the excuse we throw to ourselves. We should open our eyes to the colorful world, learn to distinct the lure and chance. You will find you are wiser than before.
           这是我第一片习作希望大家多多支持哦!!

applelemonmeUID: 154500

帮忙修改一下  自知写坐水平不怎么样 迷茫呀

applelemonmeUID: 154500

帮忙修改一下  自知水准不够 迷茫呀!!!

chicagochenUID: 116575

Sorry i failed to modify your article yesterday for the simple cause that my computer has infected some serious virus.[please note that i will have to finish this modification till tonight, and here is just the beginning]
Generally it seems that you try to express what you can think of the topic regardless of the choice of proper words and sub-ideas, examples.
the following is some personal suggestions:

[+Nowdays,] There’re more and more people in preference of tasting new things and taking risks in their limited life time. {? there seems on causal relationship between the two sentence}So many people want to change their fixed life style after daily boring work. I need more exciting challenge to keep my mind filled with new ideas and opinions.
modification for last two sentence: people would like to change their usual lifestyle to refresh themselves, to chanllenge themselves, and to get more new ideas.

Trying new things and take[taking] risk provide people with challenge, chance and experience. Though barriers, risk and wrong direction always block the way to our aims[+at], the process of exploring the world out of our eyes commands us with{? this phrase is not appropriate here}. That’s the sense[belief] I just stick to.

As the Nick said[As the Nike slogan goes], “Just do it”, the watchword contains a lot of meanings. [here you need a sentence to connet the text.i.e i think my personal experience would be an good example in point]
I like TV show very much, but I didn’t have any formal performance training and was lack of experience. I decided to study further in Beijing Broadcast College, the best broadcast college in china, after I graduated[delete this confusing time]. I went [+to the street of ]Beijing alone to have [real] interview while my classmates was studying [interview means by reading books and guessing] in school. I was so nervous that I couldn’t control my figures and made [? trembled] more than 3 times during [when] I play flute in the interview. I was very depressed and ask the interviewer [i should be interviewee, who is interviewed][to allow]allowed me play again. Then I complete the song very fluently without nervous[nervousness]. [words can not express how much i appreciate..]I appreciated to the interviewer give me chance again, which rebuilt my confidence at that time ever further. I regretted I can’t enter the college with the lower special score, but I never regretted to have a try[then you did not enter beijing broadcast college?]. It was a lose[lost] interview but a successful evidence to [+persume] my dream in my life.

IMPORTANT: YOU FAIL TO restate and connet your view point"people like risk and new things" in your example!!!

Sometimes, lacking experience is the excuse [we make of to get ride of challenges and oppotunities] we throw to ourselves. We should open our eyes to the colorful world, learn to distinct the lure and chance. You will find you [will be] are wiser than before.

Some suggestion about your futher twe writing:
1.check grammar errors after you write your article.do it carefully like you are doing grammar part of Toefl test. Serious grammar errors may result in very low scores.
2.do use examples that will substantiate your viewpiont.

applelemonmeUID: 154500

谢谢哦 修改后比原来的读起来舒服好多