新人加入本版，请两位版主指点（2）

MBAonFinanceUID: 157189

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chicagochenUID: 116575

as i read this article along, i am greatly impressed by the story our professonal writer has wrote.It is not single words or sentences that arracts us but the experience itself.So the a furthur step in writing is to write something that makes sense.ETS may not say high of such kind of articles full of content but lack of varied sentences,wonderful words, but i like it.

our author know well how to communicate in English to others effectively and this may be what our English teaching fucus on.

MBAonFinanceUID: 157189

版主辛苦了。

能否再麻烦你一下呢？关于句式变化和炼字，可以帮拿几个句子和词语出来修改一下吗？我自己也确实觉得这篇文章的句式和用词比较单调。这是申请奖学金的ESSAY，写得好可以增加机会哦。拜托了。

另外，我在前人的帖子里看到说，很多申请商学院的人选题都是写自己职场上的业绩。有时候写一些个人生活中的小事，只要能写得有哲理，更能给老师留下深刻的印象。不知道这种策略可行性有多大，值不值得一试？

我在一本美国本科生入学申请辅导杂志上看过一篇范文，内容是一个学生从一次帮老师临时照看孩子们的经历中感悟到了生活之美好。读来感觉行文象《读者》杂志里那种很文学化的风格。我有个疑问，就是：本科阶段强调的是基础教育和人格的形成，研究生阶段则是要培养研究能力。所以不知道研究生的ESSAY能否也象这位高中升本科的学生这样写呢？

chicagochenUID: 116575

几个地方谈谈个人看法：
1。The opportunity was that I discovered the popularly underestimated energy of student organizations.

似乎流行的观点用popular不好吧 usual common
2。They had first-hand contact with potential student entrepreneurs.
显然这句应该跟上句合成一句啊 which had first-hand....
行文紧凑是学术文章应该注意的
下面一句“They owned gumptious and gifted communicators. ”也应该合在一起

3。The challenge was that the market and ideology still need nurture.
need nurturing 比较好 动词比名词显得更有行动感


4。Noticing this situation, an idea came across my mind:
这是一个很容易犯的错误 你看你把idea当主语 前面的noticing不可能是idea 注意啊。noticing this situation, i arrive at an idea:

5.To my company, we could gain batch information of projects in a short time. To the students, besides the primary function of an express way for finding investment from my company, the alliance would also be a good platform for them to learn and exchange knowledge and experience needed for entrepreneurship.
两句可以用分号连接起来的。要善于用表达符号来增强你的表达效果。


6。你文章中句式变化不多 很少看到什么倒装句啊什么的 好的文章有形式的灵活和内容的充实
7。恕最近比较忙不能全部给你看完 你自己改改 你写作的水平不在我之下 同其他时欢迎到此版的人谈他们的想法。
8。你提到的写读者类型文章的事 原则上不鼓励 除非你是那类文章的高手 你想靠那种比较新的形式去吸引教授要冒3个风险：
   1。你写的究竟写得怎么样 如果是中国的散文随记翻译过去 未必是好文章
   2。你遇到一个很刻板的教授他会觉得你 扯些不相干的事浪费他的时间干什么
   3。创意是不可以重复的 you are special for your are yourself.