issue29 问题文章 paisley详细点评

ZZZ@MARYLANDUID: 157802

29. Public figures such as actors, politicians, and athletes should expect people to be interested in their private lives. When they seek a public role, they should expect that they will lose at least some of their privacy.


The speaker claimed it is reasonable that public figures expect people to be interest in their private lives, and when they are get ready to be a public role, they'd better to prepare for losing some of their privacy. I can not help but concede the truth people pay more attention to figures’ privacy rather than their achievement. It's tour social problem. The figures should be interest in their achievements, not their privacy. And of course, they must learn to protect themselves.

Public figures play important roles in the modern society indeed, his or her actions and words work a lot in the society. Many people consider one of the figures as their example, they imitate figures’ every movements and words, even the tiny ones. But it's not the basic reason for people to focus on the privacy of public figures. Thinking over this problem seriously, I conclude that the curiosity, inherent in people, is the foundational reason. There must be something unknown to people is able to feeds people's curiosity. People interest in the things that are ignorant to them, and they want to be the same with their favorite figures in actions or characters. Therefore, public figures' privacy turns into people's target.

Why the figurers become public? It's because of his or her achievements, not their privacy. The society benefit from their achievement too. People should concentrate on the figures' accomplishments, not their private lives. The world become brighter in the night is because of Edison's invention. Society progress results from excellent policy made by politicians. And sweat and blood are the very reasons of world records. What will concentration brings to us? Princess Diana’s death is the end of it without any doubts. Every figure try their best to contribute for the society, it's their original objection to be a public figure. In this society, they can't focus on their careers with the whole energy, they must divide their energy into two parts, one is for careers, and the other is spent on the protection of their privacy. If we keep paying our most attention to figures' privacy, it's possible that our society will stop its way of progressing. Even worse, accidents like Princess Diana will happen again.

It’s hard to stop people’s concentration on public figures’ privacy. Wherefore, the public figures should take some actions to protect their own privacy. Being public figures doesn't mean losing some of their privacy. Figures should take himself or herself as a common people. Don't hide from people's attention. People like challenge, the one which is untouchable is the most wanted thing for them. If you attend as a normal people, the interest in your privacy will be reduced.

In sum, the problem, people interest in public figures' privacy, should be corrected. We must pay more attention to their accomplishments, motivate them to work harder in their own careers. And we must respect the public figures' privacy, no matter how deep is your like or even love.

paisleyUID: 64183

The speaker claimed为什么用过去时？ it is reasonable that public figures expect people to be interest（是interested） in their private lives, and when they are get ready to be a public role, they'd（正式行文应该不免缩略语，这里应是had better） better to prepare for losing some of their privacy. I can not help but concede the truth（少that） people pay more attention to figures’ privacy rather than their achievement. It's 问题同上，不要用缩略语tour（拼写错误） social problem. The figures should be interest问题同上 in their achievements, not their privacy. And of course, they must learn to protect themselves.

Public figures play important roles in the modern society indeed, his or her actions and words work a lot in the society. Many people consider one of the figures as their example, they imitate figures’ every movements and words, even the tiny ones. But it's not the basic reason for people to focus on the privacy of public figures. Thinking over this problem seriously, I conclude that the curiosity, inherent in people, is the foundational reason. There must be something unknown to people is（must be和这里的is都是谓语动词，这句话语法不通） able to feeds（be able to后面要跟原形！） people's curiosity. People interest in the things that are ignorant to them, and they want to be the same with their favorite figures in actions or characters. Therefore, public figures' privacy turns into people's target. “人们把公众人物作为榜样”和“好奇心”是两个完全不同的概念。最好分开论证，如果不打算多花篇幅的话写在一段里也可以，但是不要一句话论证前者，一句话论证后者，感觉没有逻辑的层次性。

Why the figurers become public? It's because of his or her achievements, not their privacy. The society benefit from their achievement too. People should concentrate on the figures' accomplishments, not their private lives. The world become brighter in the night is because of Edison's invention. Society（应是social或societal） progress results from excellent policy made by politicians.这句话欠妥，政治家在ETS评卷人以及众多国外学者眼中都是不折不扣的大话家，绝对不是推动社会进步的主要力量。 And sweat and blood are the very reasons of world records.这两个例子太远了点，最好用三个例子，彼此有些关联，句法相似，给人感觉连贯一些 What will concentration该词费解 brings to us? Princess Diana’s death is the end of it（it指什么？） without any doubts. Every figure try（tries！！） their best to contribute for the society, it's their original objection（应是object，objection是“反对”） to be a public figure. In this society, they can't focus on their careers with the whole energy, they must divide their energy into two parts, one is for careers, and the other is spent on the protection of their privacy. If we keep paying our most attention to figures' privacy, it's possible that our society will stop its way of progressing. Even worse, accidents like Princess Diana will happen again.最后几句话都是没有经过论证的，站不住脚。虽然看起来像常识。

It’s hard to stop people’s concentration（最好用interest或curiosrity） on public figures’ privacy. Wherefore, the public figures should take some actions to protect their own privacy. Being public figures doesn't mean losing some of their privacy. 这句话不是又和你前面说的矛盾了吗Figures should take himself or herself as a common people. Don't hide from people's attention. People like challenge, the one which is untouchable is the most wanted thing for them. If you attend（什么意思？） as a normal people（people前面可以加a的吗？）, the interest in your privacy will be reduced. 这段也站不住脚，想想全世界无所不在的狗仔队，你不去惹他们，向公众敞开怀抱就能保平安，保安静吗？

In sum, the problem,（逗号去掉，改成of） people（这里加一个’s） interest in public figures' privacy, 逗号去掉，不要乱加标点，加了标点也不能使句子结构完整或通顺的should be corrected. We must pay more attention to their accomplishments, motivate them to work harder in their own careers. And we must respect the public figures' privacy, no matter how deep is your like or even love. 这个结论也是没有经过前问论证的。

建议下次先写提纲再写文章，不然很容易越说越偏题，或者没东西可说。题目要你说的是同意或不同意，不管同不同意，都拿出自己的论据来，展开论证。你只花了一段来说你的观点（还不鲜明，到底同不同意），然后就转到说公众人物要注意保护自己上去了。他们该怎么做，这跟题目并无关系。不是不可以写，而是要写的话，得建立在你前面的问题已经论证充分了，还有余力，那可以，篇幅也要控制好。

语言功底还比较弱，很多基本的语法规则还没掌握。建议多学学范文。

字数太少是表面问题，关键是你脑子里"存货"不多，对这些问题没有思考过，没话可说. 解决办法，一是多参与大家的讨论，二是多看书多思考。这篇帖子也很值得一看http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthread.php?s=&threadid=166754

虽然是掐时间写的，还是麻烦你在写完之后多检查几遍，你的拼写错误和语法错误都不少，这靠论坛上别人帮你改几次是解决不了最终问题的，一定要靠自己。希望这次我帮你改的语法错误你能牢牢地记住，下次不要再犯。不要看过就算了。如果对改的地方有不懂的，请提出来。如果我没有回复的话请发悄悄话给我。

建议你看看精华区的范文，分析他们是怎么说理的。还有这篇文章里讲的思路，非常值得学习。https://bbs.gter.net/showthre ... =%BD%CC%C2%DF%BC%AD


你这篇文章，类似的和相关的文章可能有许多前人写过，或者还有范文。你可以搜索一下，对照一下这些文章。 或参照该帖：《在本版找前人作文的方法》http://211.151.90.54/bbs/showthr ... hlight=%CC%E2%BA%C5


希望你也能多多修改其他朋友的文章。尤其是提点结构上和想法上的建议。因为你不可能每个题目都练过来啊，看别人的题目，自己脑子过一遍,既可以给别人提建议，自己又多了一次训练的机会.为别人服务的人优先得到斑竹的修改哦！我想你可能对自己的水平没信心，但是你只要参与别人的讨论，自己的思路也会打开，改变目前说理不透彻的情况。到目前为止你都是闷头写，几乎从来没有参与过别人的讨论，闭门造车行不通的，尤其对基础不是太好的同学。真的。


平时最好也能多多阅读，不要读过就算，要注意人家的谋篇布局、用词、构思等等，对你的作文大有好处，同时也有助于你的GRE阅读