15年5月27日同主题写作 issue 13

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

13) Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's field of study.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.


今天这道题是绝对高频。由于题目不难，我建议不必写全文，但是要列出1+3的英语提纲（主旨句+主题句），写出完整的第一段，并尝试写其中一个中间段。我要看看大家写中间段的技巧。  

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以下涂成白色的内容为我为issue 70 列的提纲，请大家练习后查阅参考。

ISSUE 70
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


相关题目包括：13, 46, 54, 102,112,140

请回帖时按照这里的指引列出英语提纲并用汉语解释或直接回帖参与讨论其他同学的提纲

这道题属于claim与reason的题目，虽然题目问的是是否同意reason和claim，但如果不同时同意claim和reason会给论述带来不必要的麻烦，所以建议把题目理解为一个主句加一个原因状语从句的结构，要么同意reason和claim要么不同意reason和claim

也就是说把题目理解为
Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study because acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.

这里有我的提纲和思考过程的描述




主旨句
I agree that students should be required to take different courses outside their majors because training in other fields can help students to study their major fields more effectively,  improve their basic reading, writing and thinking skills that are important parts of education and network with people from different academic backgrounds.   

because前面的主句就是对claim的同意转换 改成了被动语态
because后面的原因状语从句的不定时包括三个结构
- 更好地学习主修科目 这里可以举的例子是工程的学生要学物理、数学和编程；经济学的同学要学统计学、社会学等等
- 通过学各种学科可以增长知识 提升基本的阅读、写作和思考的能力 包括学习文学、历史、哲学等等
- 通过选修其他学科可以接触到不同领域的同学 和他们交流 对将来的事业发展会有帮助 比如创业 或者对世界有了新的认识

其实这里的三个分点都是对truly educated这个抽象的目标的一种具体化  这里涉及到我们如何理解教育的目的的问题 因人而异 我的前两个点很快就想出来了 主要是从specialist和generalist两个层面讨论 而第三个点我想了一会儿才想到 其实就是所谓的教育作为社会或社交活动 所有的学习都是一种进入某个群体和那个群体的人交流的过程 比如学计算机、编程就是和程序员交流成为他们一份子的过程 而如果一个学文学的同学能和程序员交流也是很有利的  

具体文章我暂时不写了 以后有空再写吧

smily_rayUID: 3568276

这道题属于claim与reason的题目，虽然题目问的是是否同意reason和claim，但如果不同时同意claim和reason会给论述带来不必要的麻烦，所以建议把题目理解为一个主句加一个原因状语从句的结构，要么同意reason和claim要么不同意reason和claim

王老师在issue89的范文里就是同意reason不同意claim，所以这里的建议应该也是具体情况具体分析吧？

我的提纲：
If we define 'truly educated' as to empower students with broad knowledge and transferable skills so that they can live a better life, multi-discipline background is necessary for student to engage in both social life and academic research. However, the claim may overemphasize the importance of course variety, which may pose certain risks that undermine the aim of higher education.

In order to take an active part in civic life, one must master the skills or subjects that are considered essential for an educated man. 现代社会要求人必须具备基本的人文科学、社会科学、自然科学的知识。学自然科学的学生需要了解一些社会学、政治学、经济学的知识，从而更好地认识当代社会；学人文科学的学生需要了解一些基本的科学知识，以跟上科学技术的进步。只有对各学科都有基本的了解，学生才能对问题进行独立思考，而不是盲从权威。

Meanwhile, many academic research ask for a background of multi-subject. 例如考古学研究需要历史学的知识来断定年代，需要语言学的知识来识别古文字，需要档案学的知识来对资料进行分类整理。再比如计算机领域中，机器学习的算法借鉴了生物学、生态学和社会学的知识，机器翻译需要语言学的知识，人工智能需要心理学的知识等。

However, overemphasis on the number of courses may hinder students from in-depth study of their academic area. （1）研究表明，要在一个领域里取得成功，至少需要10000小时的投入，这要求高校学生四年里每天至少投入7小时。如果在其他领域投入过多的时间，可能影响学生的专业学习。（2）学校的这种选课要求可能增加学生的负担，为了达到要求，学生可能选择一些轻松、给分高的课程，而没有真正获得多学科的知识。因此学校不应require every student这样"一刀切"。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

smily_ray 发表于 2014-10-19 21:40
王老师在issue89的范文里就是同意reason不同意claim，所以这里的建议应该也是具体情况具体分析吧？

我 ...

王老师在issue89的范文里就是同意reason不同意claim，所以这里的建议应该也是具体情况具体分析吧？

你说得对。我之前写这个意见的时候也想到我自己的考场作文。我觉得这类题分开讨论比较纠结，考前一定要想好怎么处理。


我的提纲：
If we define 'truly educated' as to empower students with broad knowledge and transferable skills so that they can live a better life, multi-discipline background is necessary for student to engage in both social life and academic research. However, the claim may overemphasize the importance of course variety, which may pose certain risks that undermine the aim of higher education.

In order to take an active part in civic life, one must master the skills or subjects that are considered essential for an educated man. 现代社会要求人必须具备基本的人文科学、社会科学、自然科学的知识。学自然科学的学生需要了解一些社会学、政治学、经济学的知识，从而更好地认识当代社会；学人文科学的学生需要了解一些基本的科学知识，以跟上科学技术的进步。只有对各学科都有基本的了解，学生才能对问题进行独立思考，而不是盲从权威。

Meanwhile, many academic research ask for a background of multi-subject. 例如考古学研究需要历史学的知识来断定年代，需要语言学的知识来识别古文字，需要档案学的知识来对资料进行分类整理。再比如计算机领域中，机器学习的算法借鉴了生物学、生态学和社会学的知识，机器翻译需要语言学的知识，人工智能需要心理学的知识等。

我很高兴的看到你上面两段分别在呼应主旨句中的 both social life and academic research，看来1+3的模型已经开始在你的文章中被运用。可否具体谈谈你写个提纲的过程和想法，遇到的困难等等。

However, overemphasis on the number of courses may hinder students from in-depth study of their academic area. （1）研究表明，要在一个领域里取得成功，至少需要10000小时的投入，这要求高校学生四年里每天至少投入7小时。如果在其他领域投入过多的时间，可能影响学生的专业学习。（2）学校的这种选课要求可能增加学生的负担，为了达到要求，学生可能选择一些轻松、给分高的课程，而没有真正获得多学科的知识。因此学校不应require every student这样"一刀切"。

我能理解你写这段大概是出于某种平衡的考虑，觉得如果三段都支持会比较偏激。
我觉得你要考虑一下这道题所涉及的社会背景。在美国的高等教育制度里，有一种所谓的distribution requirement，也就是要求学生在专业以外也要修一些学分，这已经成为所有美国本科生的标配。而从全文的安排来看，讲完好处之后讲不足会使你整体的观点出现自相矛盾的情况，破坏文章的coherence。

我倒是建议你在中间第三段可以讨论一下关于require的争议 比如有人认为require会威胁学生的选择自由 但是指出学生既然读大学要拿到大学的学位 大学就有责任保证学位的质量和毕业生得质量 而且这些requirement是在新生入学的时候就写明的 如果不同意 可以不入学 最终还是要维系你对这个问题的基本立场即支持

我对于让步和平衡论证持有比较怀疑的态度 主要担心这样写使本来就不长的文章在观点上出现撕裂 关于这一点 你可以再考虑一下 其他同学也可以参与讨论发表意见

smily_rayUID: 3568276

tesolchina 发表于 2014-10-19 22:03
王老师在issue89的范文里就是同意reason不同意claim，所以这里的建议应该也是具体情况具体分析吧？

你 ...

谢谢王老师点评~哎呀呀，终于被表扬啦好开心;P
我最开始的思路是同意reason不同意claim，主要是不同意require和variety（有可能是我没理解对variety的意思。您说的distribution requirement我了解好像是把所有课程分成几个大类，要求学生每一类都要修一定的学分。但是variety给我的感觉好像要比几大类更多，各种各样的）。但是对reason的同意又写不出两个有相互联系的理由，于是就分类说了。我初步觉得分类讨论是一种挺有操作性的办法，例如分成社会生活与学术研究；科学类的题目可以分成自然科学和社会科学等。

dongyan18UID: 3560600

王老师，本来想按照部分同意观点写的，结果写一半就写不下去了，逻辑太混乱，难以驾驭。于是，按照您的提纲写了一遍。很苦恼，好像不太明白怎么在每个分论点里提供论据来支持，话写不多。是否每个分论点里面还能有层次和波折？
麻烦您帮忙看看这样写能得几分，以及需要改进之处，感谢。
I agree that students should be required to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study, because training in other fields can help them to study more effectively in their major field, improve their basic reading, writing and thinking abilities that are important part of education, as well as network with people from different academic disciplines.

With the knowledge of other fields, students could study their major more effectively. Students majored in literature, usually are required to have some knowledge of history and philosophy which could serve as a background to understand the individual literature work; students majored in economics usually need to take statistic and sociology courses, which give them the instruments for analysing diversified economical phenomenon. Besides these basic utilities, other fields knowledge could also edify students to solve their academic problems through comparison and draw on other's experiences, even enable them to get breakthrough and make innovation in their own field.

Furthermore, with the course of other disciplines students could improve their basic study ability, such as reading, writing and thinking. With the literature courses, one is training to understand the deep connotation of an article, which improves his skills in reading. With the course of philosophy, one will learn how to thinking logically. And with knowledge of many other fields, such as economic, media studies, etc., one could master more materials for writing. All the skills practiced in other discipline courses would serve to promote the students' comprehensive quality, which is an important part of truly education.

Last, through taking courses in other disciplines, students could broad his human network. In this broadened network, one could communicate with different kinds of friends, who could give you new views and different perspectives towards the things. In the future, they will be the unwanted human resources when you turn to create your own business.

In conclusion, it is necessary for universities to allocate different courses outside students major field. Actually many comprehensive university have already done this for several years, and numerous students have obtained the benefit from choosing the outside courses. This trend should be insisted by these universities, and develop to more other universities .

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

issue 70（13，46，102，112）
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.
主题句
Should universities require every students to take various courses outside their major field of study for them to be truly educated? A broad spectrum of courses will assist students on their major field of study as well in addition to make them to be truly educated. therefore, I fundamentally agree with the assertion insofar as this requirement will not add unnecessary burden to the students.   


as well in addition to  
make them to be truly educated
表达的问题还是要注意一下

注意你的主旨句应该更明确回应reason和claim
至于对整个命题设置某种限制  insofar as this requirement will not add unnecessary burden to the students 我不太确定是否符合题目的要求



In the first place, a well organized educational plan which allow students to dabble in various courses will intrinsically direct them in experiencing true education.
通过学习历史，学生能从以前的经验教训中了解到今后该如果做判断和决定。通过学习哲学，学生就能建立起正确思考问题的方式。通过学习艺术，学生就能懂得对生活中各个方面美的欣赏。这些课程都能帮助学生建立正确的人生观和世界观，使他们得到真正的教育。

这里你需要解释truly educated的涵义 包括你所说的思考能力 艺术欣赏 等等
注意“正确”这个词在西方教育理念中是不适用的  你在这里用了两次


In the second place, requiring students to take outside field courses plays an essential role in assisting them on their major field of study.
学生要成为一个biomedical-engineer的话，不仅仅只是生物学和工程学是必要的。医学，数学，统计，化学，物理，材料学和电脑编程这些课程的学习都起到了辅助和支撑这个专业的课程。有了对这些课程的了解，学生才能更好的掌握这个学科并且在今后加以利用。一些课程对专业的辅助作用也是不能忽视的


你需要将这里协助主修学科和truly educated联系起来
做到这一点这段话就没问题了


Nevertheless, schools must be aware of keeping good control on this requirement by guaranteeing won't add extra burden to students。
大学里，专业课程的负担已经很重。如果学校没有针对性的让学生去学习更多专业领域外的课程，只会平白无故给学生增加负担，同时也阻碍了学生对专业课程的学习。那样不但没有让学生得到真正的教育，反而阻碍了对学生的教育。

或许你可以把这段话写成anticipate challenges
有人会担心这样做如何如何 你认为如何如何  

   

raikkonen36UID: 2871931

Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

Perhaps, students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. Nonetheless, universities can encourage every student to take a verity of courses outside the student’s own field. In addition, in the process that a student attempts to take a wide range of courses outside the student’s own field, some problems may emerge.

1.        Perhaps, students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. 毫无疑问，学习不同学科有助于truly educated，但是如果只专注于学习不同科目知识，未必会truly educated。 举例，只专注于学习，在校成绩优秀的北大学生卖肉或者中科大学生找不到工作，呆在网吧上网打发时间。
2.        Nonetheless, universities can encourage every student to take a verity of courses outside the student’s own field. 学生往往在学习不同学科的过程中找到自己真正的兴趣所在，举例tirole。 他开始的修的phd是数学，但是他发现自己真正的兴趣在经济，从而转去学经济，今年的诺贝尔奖。
3.        In addition, in the process that a student attempts to take a wide range of courses outside the student’s own field, some problems may emerge. 一个人精力有限，未必是好事。举例。 真的！  还整什么选修课！  有什么用啊！！竟整那些没用的！ 还一整一学期就得修满四科，下学期还有什么科技创新选修！  本来课就多！还整那么多选修来！压得我们都喘不过气来了！！！  真是没天理！ 我倒不是光玩的人！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-11-2 15:30
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's  ...

Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.

Perhaps, students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. Nonetheless, universities can encourage every student to take a verity of courses outside the student’s own field. In addition, in the process that a student attempts to take a wide range of courses outside the student’s own field, some problems may emerge.

感觉你还是喜欢写成折衷的观点 这个不知道是受了哪本书的影响 有机会探讨一下
你这个主旨句还是出现了自相矛盾的情况 如果你不认同读不同的课程可以达到真正受教育的目标 为什么还要说universities can encourage every student to take a verity of courses outside the student’s own field. 如果这么做了 你下一句提到的problem 又如何解决  

考虑到issue题库里有一种题型是address the challenge 我觉得ETS的意图是希望我们有一个鲜明的立场 同时考虑对方的观点并作出回应 像你这种和稀泥的写法 未必合适

我觉得你可以明确反对take a vareity of courses outside major field 认为这个和大学教育的目的背道而驰


1.        Perhaps, students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. 毫无疑问，学习不同学科有助于truly educated，但是如果只专注于学习不同科目知识，未必会truly educated。 举例，只专注于学习，在校成绩优秀的北大学生卖肉或者中科大学生找不到工作，呆在网吧上网打发时间。

我觉得你这个例子又偏题了
感觉你是先有一些例子在脑海里 然后勉强套到题目上 而不是根据题目想例子   其实例子没必要是真人真事
否则会严重局限你的例子


2.        Nonetheless, universities can encourage every student to take a verity of courses outside the student’s own field. 学生往往在学习不同学科的过程中找到自己真正的兴趣所在，举例tirole。 他开始的修的phd是数学，但是他发现自己真正的兴趣在经济，从而转去学经济，今年的诺贝尔奖。

例子还是不切题
题目讲的是修读不同课程 不是转换专业或方向   


3.        In addition, in the process that a student attempts to take a wide range of courses outside the student’s own field, some problems may emerge. 一个人精力有限，未必是好事。举例。 真的！  还整什么选修课！  有什么用啊！！竟整那些没用的！ 还一整一学期就得修满四科，下学期还有什么科技创新选修！  本来课就多！还整那么多选修来！压得我们都喘不过气来了！！！  真是没天理！ 我倒不是光玩的人！

some problems may emerge. 这个用词太模糊 要具体说什么问题 the extra courses may distract the students from focusing on their major fields  

这道题可以这样写
先提出你对truly educated的理解是在某个专业上受到很系统深入的训练
应该在学专业课的同时，选修一些对学专业有帮助的课程
举例 学经济学需要修一些数学、统计学和计算机的课

但是对于无关的课程就不应该强制修 因为修了会有干扰 本来精力就不够
学经济学 就没必要去学化学、生物了  

学校可以考虑开设一些 比较轻松的课程 供学生选修 而非强制  培养学生的兴趣

或者
你可以提出 某些人会认为学生应该兴趣广泛 应该选修一些和本专业学习无关的课程 其实这些兴趣爱好可以通过业余和课外活动来做 不必修学分课程

lisa_CUID: 2678347

ISSUE 70
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


相关题目包括：13, 46, 54, 102,112,140

我的思路是分成pure science 和applied science两个不同的专业大类来讨论。



主旨句：
In modern society, the demand for inter-displine talents is increasing. To keep in pace with the times, many schools educate students by inter-displine training, introducing courses outside the students' major field of study. But it does not mean that every student in every major should be required to take courses of other fields of study. For pure science like mathematics, it is better to make courses of other fields of study as selective courses other than mendatory courses; And for applied science like economics, it is politic for schools to require every student to take courses outside their field of study.
随着社会发展，交叉型人才需求变大，越来越多的学校以培养交叉型人才为目标，但是这并不意味着所有的学科教学都应当强制引入其他专业知识，是否需要强制应当视学科类别而定：对于应用型学科，建议设置强制课程，以保证学生更好学习专业知识融会贯通；对于纯理论学科，不建议强制学习其他专业知识，而应当作为

Ts1:
To begin with, other than inter-displine talents, theorists in pure science are also important for our social development. Thus, it is hard to say that inter-displine training, which may handicap the cultivation of exellent theorists, is the best to become truly educated.
首先，多元复合人才只是社会对人才的一种需求，我们仍然需要纯理论学科的研究人才，因而不能说复合型教育是最好的真正的教育方式，它可能会扼杀纯理论研究人才（他们对社会进步也非常重要）。
（譬如数学理论学家、物理理论学家。）

Ts2:
For pure science that requires concentration such as mathematics and physics, it is not wise for universities to make courses in other study fields as required courses.
因而，对于纯理论学科，如数学、物理等，不建议强制，可以以选修课的形式提供给学生。
（一方面，纯理论的知识本身艰深难懂，层层递进，需要巨大的时间投入。如果强制学生学习其他专业知识，必然分散学生有限的精力，学生无法打好坚持的基础。譬如数学，泛函这类课程。另一方面，纯理论的知识学习本身不需要建立在别的学科知识基础上，体系相对独立，强制设置其他专业课程，尤其在课程设置不科学时，反而可能会限制学生的知识应用思路。譬如数学系只挑选了经济类的课程作为其他专业必修课，数学系的学生们在应用数学知识时会只局限于经济学，而较少去考虑数学在编程等方面的应用。在这种情况下，提供较多课程由学生自由选修更好。）

Ts3:
For applied science such as social science and engineering, universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study, which is not only good for students' study in their major but also for open mind.
然后，对于需要别的学科支持的应用型专业，如社会科学、工程学等等，建议强制，这样能够帮助学生更好地学习专业知识，同时拓展思路。
（一方面，这类学科的学习大多需要以基础性学科知识为支撑。譬如在学习微观经济学理论时，需要有微积分知识的储备，这时候要求经济学学生学习数学课程就显得很有必要，否则他们甚至无法完成正常的本专业学习。另一方面，其他学科的学习可以打开学生思路。譬如学生在学习发展经济学同时学习历史，他就可以用发展经济学中的理论去思考历史上的变革，又可以通过历史事件给发展经济学的理论作佐证。）


顺便提一个困惑，最近两天有在想提纲，尽管提纲有结构但是找不到合适的具体例子，王老师有什么建议吗？

raikkonen36UID: 2871931

Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.


Students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. Moreover, it is unrealistic for universities to require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student’s major field of study. Nonetheless, universities can encourage students to take a wide range of courses outside their study field.

1.        Students only acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines are not truly educated. 举例，北大学生卖肉或者中科大学生找不到工作，在面试时，不会和面试官沟通，无法展现自己，最后导致丧失信心，呆在网吧上网打发时间。
2.        Moreover, it is unrealistic for universities to require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student’s major field of study. 一个人精力有限，未必是好事。举例。 真的！  还整什么选修课！  有什么用啊！！竟整那些没用的！ 还一整一学期就得修满四科，下学期还有什么科技创新选修！  本来课就多！还整那么多选修来！压得我们都喘不过气来了！！！  真是没天理！ 我倒不是光玩的人！
3.        Nonetheless, universities can encourage every student to take a wide range of courses outside the student’s own field. 学生往往在学习不同学科的过程中找到自己真正的兴趣所在，举例tirole。 他开始的修的phd是数学，但是他发现自己真正的兴趣在经济，从而转去学经济，今年的诺贝尔奖。

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

lisa_C 发表于 2014-11-7 02:08
ISSUE 70
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the  ...

Ts1:
To begin with, other than inter-displine talents, theorists in pure science are also important for our social development. Thus, it is hard to say that inter-displine training, which may handicap the cultivation of exellent theorists, is the best to become truly educated.
首先，多元复合人才只是社会对人才的一种需求，我们仍然需要纯理论学科的研究人才，因而不能说复合型教育是最好的真正的教育方式，它可能会扼杀纯理论研究人才（他们对社会进步也非常重要）。
（譬如数学理论学家、物理理论学家。）


你这一段似乎在讨论truly educated的定义问题
这确实是需要讨论的
但是我觉得你这里没有讲清楚
看你整体的论述 你的观点应该是truly educated的关键不在于知识广博 而在于在本专业有所建树
你可以在这一段把这个观点讲清楚 解释为什么广博没有专业重要  

然后接下来你可以通过纯理论学科和应用学科的分类来讨论 前者不需要修读其他课程 后者需要
这个分类框架是不错的  

至于你说的举例问题
我建议你看一下  82楼：思想实验可产生更切题的例证
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1777232-1-1.html

还有一些表达的问题 比如politic这个词的用法
se'le’ctive -> elective

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-11-7 14:37
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's  ...

这个提纲和你7楼的区别不是很大 我说的例子偏题了你还是继续用 那我就没什么好说的了

raikkonen36UID: 2871931

这个提纲有问题吗？ 我还是没想通，例子我在换。

isabellaxiaUID: 3397230

raikkonen36 发表于 2014-11-7 14:37
Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's  ...

亲，我之前也写过类似的题目，然后以下是我对你提纲的一些建议 :)

1. It might be better to define the term "truly educated" before you say someone are not truly educated. Because if the grader sees this point, he/she must have a vague and broad definition of the term which is not also very helpful for your following arguing.
2. From what I see, you didn't hook up your example with your point. You need to say all these graduates who can't find jobs because the university required them to take too many courses. And the fact they ended in Internet cafes has something to do with this requirement.
3. Why is it unrealistic? You need to substantiate the term "unrealistic". For example, you can talk from the perspectives of time, energy and hinging the students future career/job finding to detail the point unrealistic.
4. In line of your arguing, I think it might be better to say "Nonetheless, the university should not deprive students of the right to take electives. Because for some students who have the interests and can handle the pressure, the chances to take electives can be beneficial for their future.
5. The Triole example here. Same problem. You need to hook up the example with the point. Really use the examples to substantiate the point instead of purely mentioning it.  

raikkonen36UID: 2871931

isabellaxia 发表于 2014-11-11 09:38
亲，我之前也写过类似的题目，然后以下是我对你提纲的一些建议 :)

1. It might be better to define ...

谢谢您的建议。刚看了您的文章，觉得您很强啊！


1. 我的意思是他们沉浸在学习中，没有锻炼其他能力，比如沟通能力，导致在面试时失败。这样就不是truly educated

3. Triole那个例子，可能我省略了，就是指他在学习其他课程当中时，发现他的兴趣在经济上，不知道是不是缺这句话