有没有人愿意帮我看看essay

lovesky89757UID: 3520752

在申明尼苏达，之前已经发过一次，改了点，希望再得到些意见，麻烦各位大神了。。这是要求：Please share a single excerpt of your life (or a story) that illustrates the strength and resilience of your personal character which highlights the qualities that would make you a unique addition to the Carlson School of Management undergraduate community. DO NOT reiterate the information you already indicated on this addendum, nor indicate the reasons why you wish to be admitted to the Carlson School. This statement is intended to provide the admissions committee with new information about you.

I have been really interested in chemistry and mathematics since high school. Once the Zhangjiagang Chemistry Council held the High School Chemistry Competition, and I was encouraged to take this examination. The top five percent had the opportunity to participate in Jiangsu Province Chemistry Competition. However, it turned out that I just ranked among ten percent (100/1000), which disappointed me so much.
Three days after the competition, I was doing my chemical homework, which reminded me of a question about the nature of benzene in chemistry competition. Hence, I turned to Mr. Chen, my chemical teacher, who was responsible for the Zhangjiagang chemistry competition. I asked him my question, and he was surprised that I was still considering this question after the competition, for this kind of question was beyond the range of what we learned. “It is true that the competition is over, but these questions are still there. I merely wonder why,” I responded. He nodded, smiling, and explained the nature and application of benzene elaborately to me.
When I got the answer and was ready to leave, he stopped me and asked me whether I was willing to participate in Jiangsu Province Chemistry Competition. “I didn’t reach the top five percent,” I responded with my head down. “It’s not a big idea. Score is just a type of evaluation criterion, but the desire for knowledge never can be measured by scores,” He said.
Thus, I got the chance to attend a ten-day course in Nanjing Normal University. During those days, I was assigned as the leader of “Sha Zhou” group, responsible for organizing group discussion. Our group had to complete the university course on inorganic chemistry and read the 400-page book Advanced Chemistry. Also, it was difficult for us high school students to comprehend the college courses. Hence, I used recording pen to record the contents in the class. After class, I would play the record again and again to understand what I was puzzled about. Then, I would inform the group members to gather together in the teaching building. We reviewed what we learned that day and exchanged ideas with each other. If someone had a question and all of us would work it out, I would write it down and seek our professor for help. Once we discussed about the molecular structure so intensely that no one noticed time passing until the building closed and we were locked inside.
Through ten-day hard working, our group applied what we learned in the chemistry competition held by Jiangsu Province and won the first prize and I got the second place for individual.
I appreciated Mr. Chen so much because he tells me the truth that life is like a boat tour, the grade is the wind, and the attitude is the rudder. However strong the wind is, if you cannot control your direction, you will be farther and farther from your destination.

MrcolorlessUID: 3588868

撇开奇怪的语法问题和叙述方式不说

lz你这个选材不行啊 这篇paper是要展现你的unique 完全没有做到啊

建议lz可以从“除了mgmt以为也很热爱science”“与人沟通能力极强”“超级坚韧不拔的毅力”入手着重强调一下自己的特点 改下写作入手点

单纯的叙述说实话这篇交上去审阅人不会看超过5秒钟

lovesky89757UID: 3520752

Mrcolorless 发表于 2015-2-14 00:39
撇开奇怪的语法问题和叙述方式不说

lz你这个选材不行啊 这篇paper是要展现你的unique 完全没有做到啊

谢谢你的建议，我会重新修改的

BarHarborUID: 3594541

你这个例子没有足够深度。我看了好像不是什么了不起的挫折。找一找看有没有什么大的挫折，比如生病，家里变故（比如父母下岗）什么的。

cinderalla1314UID: 3432616

PS内容太冗长，没有突出点，不用以记叙口吻写，不要写的很泛很虚，强调的东西具体是什么（品质），否则别人没耐心挖掘你的故事，你得自己简短又不是很直白的形式表现出来，改的最后每句话都是亮点或者有用的，就算是过关了~

lovesky89757UID: 3520752

BarHarbor 发表于 2015-2-14 11:26
你这个例子没有足够深度。我看了好像不是什么了不起的挫折。找一找看有没有什么大的挫折，比如生病，家里变 ...

额，可以编么。。。

狐狸大叔UID: 2342950

BarHarbor 发表于 2015-2-14 11:26
你这个例子没有足够深度。我看了好像不是什么了不起的挫折。找一找看有没有什么大的挫折，比如生病，家里变 ...

或者喜当爹了。。

BarHarborUID: 3594541

lovesky89757 发表于 2015-2-14 17:05
额，可以编么。。。

编有风险。万一面试问细节就麻烦了。有没有考试没考好之类的经验？ 你这个经验只是考得不是最好，痛点不够深刻。

SEALTEAM6UID: 3545799

感觉写的像一个故事······