[文书] 给essay提点意见，第三次重写了 [复制链接]

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电梯直达

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发表于 2015-2-15 20:19:41 |只看该作者 |倒序浏览

我申请的是明尼苏达这是要求。。。希望各位给点意见，我已经重写了几次，都说例子不行。。。Please share a single excerpt of your life (or a story) that illustrates the strength and resilience of your personal character which highlights the qualities that would make you a unique addition to the Carlson School of Management undergraduate community. DO NOT reiterate the information you already indicated on this addendum, nor indicate the reasons why you wish to be admitted to the Carlson School. This statement is intended to provide the admissions committee with new information about you

You would never know how excellent you are if you don’t push yourself. This sentence not only changed me but also made me become a better me.
When I was young, my parents were always on perpetual quarrels, and I could only huddle up on the sideline and cried. So I became an intelligent and obedient person from childhood, and I wasn’t dare to do the wrong things, which slowly resulted in my character of not daring to express my own opinions for fear that a slightest mistake would be made.
Therefore, I refused the opportunity of commanding the whole school’s acting when I was in the military training, and I missed the opportunity of being the host of the school’s Spring Festival Gala as a result, so I let others have the school team’s captain. I’ve missed every recommendation from elders and teachers, I’ve missed out on so much, so I don’t want to miss any more.
By chance the commissary in charge of organization of my class called me and asked me to make a lecture on the application process of studying abroad to the class, I hesitated for a long time, and then I agreed to her request. In the face of all people, I wasn’t willing to be a dumb person any more. I started to clean up all the information of studying abroad that I knew over the past year, and classified them one by one based on the application steps, and finally, I completed the speech draft from the perspective of choice and implementation. After that I knew I’m nervous on stage, so I kept practicing in front of the mirror. After I could recite it fluently from memory, I invited some of my best friends to listen to my speech, and then constantly communicated with them on my shortcomings after they’ve heard me out, and listened to their views.
It is cheating if I said I wasn’t nervous in that day’s speech. I went to the stage, and my hands were sweaty. It was not so smooth at the beginning of the speech, but then it went better and better later. When I found that all teachers and students were staring at me and listening to me, I could feel that it is a wonderful that to express myself. When I finished my speech, and bowed to everyone, a warm round of applause from the audience.
It was the first time that I dared to express my own opinions in front of everyone. Although it is only a short speech in my class, this success makes me no longer afraid to express myself. People sometimes need to decisively force themselves to do something with challenging, regardless of success or failure, will be a valuable life experience.

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