帮朋友改的一篇gre argument&写作建议

chicagochenUID: 116575

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Although black bears are common in the eastern Canadian province of Labrador, grizzly bears—often similar in color, but much larger—were believed to exist only in the western provinces. Despite a nineteenth-century explorer's account of having startled and narrowly escaped from a grizzly bear deep in the woods in Labrador, modern scientists find no physical evidence that grizzly bears have ever lived in Labrador. But recent research into the language and legends of the Innu, a people who have lived in Labrador for thousands of years, reveals that their language has words for two different kinds of bears, and their ancient legends attribute different characteristics to the two kinds of bears. Therefore, there probably were grizzly bears in Labrador, and the explorer's account probably accurately identified the bear.
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In this argument, the arguer advocates that there probably were grizzly bears in Labrador, and the explorer's account probably accurately identified the bear. The recommendation（用viewpoint 贴切点） is based on the observation that the Innu lived in Labrador for thousands of years reveals that their language has words for two different kinds of bears and their ancient legends attribute different characteristics to the two kinds of bears. Another fact that supports the arguer's conclusion is that a nineteenth-century explorer's account of having startled and narrowly escaped from a grizzly bear deep in the woods in Labrador. At first glance of this argument, is（应该是at first glance, this argument seems...才通顺吧） seems very convincing, a careful examination of it, however, reveals how groundless it is.
评价：模板化开头 如果你自己写得快无可非议（开头5分钟内吧）

The first problems of this argument is that the Innu's language which has words for two different kinds of bears and their ancient legends which（who吧） attribute different characteristics to the two kinds of bears. The arguer fails to rule out （这儿不应该是排除下面的可能 而是肯定下面的可能吧）the Innu's language that has words for two different kinds of bears is must（又是is 又是must的 太低级的错误吧） include the grizzly bear. may be（是此Maybe非彼may be）the two different kinds of bears are neither not pointing the grizzly bear（此句不通 该为：maybe neither of the two different kinds of bears is pointed to grezzly bear), for this point(改为 In this case 并且单独一句）, we can not conclude the grizzly bear was in Lborador. Another flaw is their ancient legends. First, legends are not recorded objectively but implement the people' imagination（谁说legend就记录得不客观 加上一个maybe是作为一个学术人士应该有的严谨）, we can not believe it enough（改为fully）. Then the arguer did not point out legends that attribute different characteristics to the two kinds of bears, （又是两句完整句子在一个句子中啊 中文思维的影响很重的）the grizzly bear is included in. If the two kinds of bears are neither not（你对neither的理解好像有错） the characteristics of the grizzly bear, the evidence of legends is useless.

The second flaw （加上that不然是个错误句子）weakens the argument is that a nineteenth-century explorer's account of having startled and narrowly escaped from a grizzly bear deep in the woods in Labrador. a explorer's experience is not convincing specially to us. There is a logical（名词logic） in this argument is that the arguer compare the modern scientists' research with a explorer's experience, the explorer was startled when he meet a bear, may be（maybe！） he did not see clearly the characteristic of that bear and mis-believe that is a grizzly bear. Albeit, the scientist's explore is an objective process that find no physical evidence. Between a startled explorer's interpreting that is probably wrong and sufficient the evidence and scientists' research, which we should believe? Do you intent（intend） to believe the account in sufficient evidence?

In sum, the arguer needs to provide sufficient evidence to guarantee the assumption argued in the above paragraphs so as to validate the conclusion.  
全文评价：首先才400字的argument以一般中国考生水平很难写出高分作文
低级错误太多 作者的语言功底还需要锻炼 不是打击作者一个托福可以写5的人写出的文章从语言上一定比本gre作文好 不要以为你在练gre作文了就怎样 你可以套模板做得很像gre作文 但是语言功底是套不出来的 不扎扎实实练语言 盲目背些范文套些模板 只能写作文去骗gre reader但骗不了的是自己。
总的来说 文章常规行文 常规论述 还是不充分 没有精彩句型 4分吧  个人以为。