Claret-5月全文练习批改

ClaretZUID: 3567572

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-19 01:55
communicate with
其实网上搜作业现在也有呢。。。还有专门的app付费请学霸辅导功课的:P

多谢指点！！！

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-20 00:25
好的~~俺明天再改一遍~~
另外，弱弱问一句，
without worry ...

argument 97已点评
句子的问题请往加油站 或者把整句贴出来

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-20 00:25
好的~~俺明天再改一遍~~
另外，弱弱问一句，
without worry ...

argument 97已点评
句子的问题请往加油站 或者把整句贴出来

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-19 23:48
Argument 97) The following appeared in an e-mail sent by the marketing director of the Classical Sha ...

314楼我也写了这一篇 你可以比对一下
这道是ScoreItNow的题目 土豪打算砸钱么

ClaretZUID: 3567572

15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for lucrative careers.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim. In developing and supporting your position, be sure to address the most compelling reasons and/or examples that could be used to challenge your position.

____________________________题文分界线_______________________________

    To help students choose suitable careers, it is proposed that educational institutions should actively suggest their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for profitable jobs. From my perspective, students should not be encouraged to choose the fields that enable them to find lucrative jobs, because of the unpredictable change in the labor market and students' personal interests. While others might argue that this proposal will provide students with some practical choices in career planning, the best way to help students choose careers, in my opinion, is to offer students plenty information rather than encouragement.

主旨句不错 有层次而且很make sense
语言表达也不错
profitable换lucrative 勉强可以吧  



    First of all, since the change in the labor market is unpredictable, it is hard for educational institutions to decide which careers are lucrative. There are several years between the time when students choose their study fields and the time they begin to find a job, during which the situation in labor market may change a lot. For example, before 2008, the labor demand in finance field was great. As Dow-Jones Index in stock market was growing up all the time, many investment companies, such as Morgan Stanly and Citi Bank, needed more stuff to make investments and market analysis, resulting in many students’ choosing finance as their major. In 2008, however, as the subprime crisis broke out, the labor demand in finance field dropped dramatically but the labor supply was still high enough, leading to a great number of unemployment in Wall Street. Since it is difficult to judge which careers are lucrative accurately, the institutions should not encourage students to choose the profitable fields actively.

不错 这个中间段基本上是个夹心饼干的样子 开头出point 中间是例子 结尾总结


   What is more, when choosing future career for a student, not only the future profit should be considered, but also the student's interest. 句型有点问题 In economy principles, a person’s utility is not only decided by his income and consumption, but also his happiness. Encouraging students to choose fields of study that will lead them to wealthy future may have ignored the importance of interest in career planning, which may cause unhappiness in students’ life. Albert Einstein, for instance, refused to be the president in Israel, but preferred to be a physician even though being a president sounds far more profitable than being a physician. Thus, in order to maximize the utility in students’ life, the educational institutions should not suggest their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for profitable jobs.


In economy principles表达
爱因斯坦这个例子太扯了 我发现很多同学都是 一用名人的例子就会不切题 你也未能免俗


    The proponents of the proposal, however, may argue that it will give students more choices and guide to choose their careers, so that students can choose their suitable careers by considering both their own interests and market demand. Faced with this claim, I insist that the best way to guide students to choose careers, is to offer students plenty information rather than direct encouragement and suggestion. As encouragements are subjective judgements made by educational institutions, they may lead students to make some decisions without judging on their own. Since the information about labor market is asymmetric between students and educational institution, the institutions should provide students with enough research data and career planning tests to help them make judgement by themselves.

plenty information ？
encouragements are subjective judgements made 表达
我觉得这个challenge需要调整一下

Some people may argue that this proposal can provide useful guidance for students who are often confused about the choices of majors and find it diffcult to make decisions.  While I agree that students do need more help with their major selection and career plan, the university should provide information rather than explicit suggestion when it comes to choosing areas of study.  

我觉得你现在的主要问题是要把速度提上去  
中间段可以写的更简洁一些  另外 多看看不同的issue  争取考场上遇到熟题


    Based on what has been discussed, educational institutions should not suggest their students to choose fields of study that will prepare them for profitable jobs because of the unpredictable change in the labor market and students' personal interests. Rather than giving students encouragement, the institutions should offer students plenty information of career planning instead.

ClaretZUID: 3567572

32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past year, Quiot Manufacturing had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby Panoply Industries plant, where the work shifts are one hour shorter than ours. Experts say that significant contributing factors in many on-the-job accidents are fatigue and sleep deprivation among workers. Therefore, to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents at Quiot and thereby increase productivity, we should shorten each of our three work shifts by one hour so that employees will get adequate amounts of sleep.
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

----------------------------------------------题目提纲分界线------------------------------------------------

    According to the memo, the vice president of Quiot Manufacturing (QM) suggests that QM should shorten each of their three work shifts to reduce the number of on-the-job accidents, citing the evidence about the comparison with Panoply Industrious (PI) and the experts’ opinion. In order to assess the argument, three assumptions about the measurement of on-the-job accident rate, the authority of the experts’ judgement and three work shifts should be examined.
   First of all, the assumption that the on-the-job accident rate can be measured by the total number of on-the-job accidents should be examined. As the author said that QM had 30 percent more on-the-job accidents than at the nearby PI plant, he treated the phenomenon as a problem of QM based on the assumption.
    Moreover, it is assumed that the experts mentioned by the author had found the solutions accurately.
    Finally, the author assumed that the possibility that on-the-job accidents happen in each of the three work shifts is the same.

建议你看看我写的吧 感觉我找的那几个点比你的要靠谱
尤其是第二点 你要质疑的不是专家说的一般性规律 而是是否适用于具体的个案
感觉你在找切入点方面还要加强练习

KssandraUID: 2766998

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-26 01:09
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past  ...

你发得好早~~

你的开头比我的简洁多了！我每次都概括了题目又把三个主题句写进去了，觉得第一段好长，而且打字费很多时间！我也要像这样写argument开头！

第一点我明白你的意思，不过题目好像也没有说是在比较accident rate呢，只是说事故的绝对数量上QM比PI多30%。不过只是第一句话的措辞而已~

第二点也有点这种感觉，题目中并没有说是expert说了fatigue&sleep deprivation是这个case的原因，只是写备忘录这人引用了expert的结论，感觉用argument/author作主语好像比expert合适一些？

第三点好像有点突兀？我理解的意思是，比如晚上的事故率可能高一些，所以事故是跟shift所在一天中的时间更有关系，而不是每一个shift的时长决定。直接指出shift的时长，或者说assumption是认为shift的时长而不是关于shift的其他原因导致了事故，会不会好一点？

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-26 01:09
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past  ...

你要考虑练一下不同题目要求怎么写 这个要练得很熟才行

艾小卉UID: 3484633

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-26 01:09
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past  ...

你讲到了measurement和authority的问题，但感觉缺了一点：就是从QM公司本身的角度去考虑，比如working environments, welfare等

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-26 00:10
15) Educational institutions should actively encourage their students to choose fields of study that ...

已点评

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-5-26 01:09
32) The following appeared in a memo from a vice president of Quiot Manufacturing.
During the past  ...

已点评

ClaretZUID: 3567572

Issue113  
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
Reason: The surest indicator of a great nation is actually the welfare of all its people.
Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
用时：35min在第二段说明定义理由的时候磨叽了很久，，，
    In order to judge whether a nation is great, it is proposed that the surest indicator of a great nation is the general welfare of its people rather than the achievement of its rulers, artists or scientists. From my perspective, the first task to judge a great nation is to define what a great nation is. As a great nation is defined as the nation that has great impact on the development of the word, I insist that the surest indicator is the achievement of its elites in politics, art or science, rather than the welfare of its people.

发现做表格好麻烦 还是先这样吧

你下定义的表达太生硬 给人一种只有这种定义的感觉 你最好先写一句话来下定义 然后再提出你的观点  


    First of all, the definition of the great nation is the nation that exerts great influence on the development of the whole world. While there are many ways to discuss what is a great nation, judging a nation by its impact on the world can emphasize the contribution the nation has made on the world development, so that the position of the nation among different countries can be distinguished, no matter in nowadays or in history. For example, since the paper was invented in ancient China and the technology to make paper was then spread to Europe, the European people could exchange their opinion with paper and pen, and knowledge can be stored in the book. Based on the definition of great nation, the ancient China is a great nation, because her invention of paper has influenced the world in a large scale.

主题句没有概括全段  
你有重复定义有啥意思啊  第二句还继续justify definition 快点入正题啊  
整段都没有回应题目的关键概念 the achievements of its rulers, artists, or scientists.
而且你写的好像中国就是因为造纸而伟大一样  这只是一个例子而已  你得通过这个例子概括出某些一般的规律   



    I disagree with the reason that the welfare of the nation's people is the surest indicator of a great nation, because there are a great many factors attached great importance in people's welfare do not closely relative to the impact of the nation. If the welfare of people in a nation is of high standard, it means that abundant material goods and various social services are accessible to them, but is does not necessarily mean that the nation can exerts great influence in the world. Maybe the nation is endowed in rich natural resources, so that great wealth can be gained by international trade. For example, Saudi Arabia, who gains enormous wealth by crude oil export, provides its people with high quality of living standard. Considering that it does not make any great contribution to the world development, it cannot be judged as a great nation.

你这一段和上一段毫无过渡
你的主旨句里也没有概括后面的分论点 直接导致中间三段之间逻辑关系混乱  

is does not necessarily
can exerts
你写完了不检查的啊？  
high quality of living standard表达  
it does not make any great contribution这话说得太绝对了 你需要学习如何hedge   


    On the contrary to the claim, the surest index indicating a great nation should be the contribution of its elites in politics, art and science. Since the greatness of a country is measured by the contribution it made to the world, the contribution made by its rulers, artists or scientists reliably reflects how great the nation is. For example, John Nash, the American mathematician who got the Nobel Prize for Economics Sciences, built the system to find Nash equilibriums in game theory. As game theory has been wildly used in analysis of economic problems, economists in different countries now use Nash equilibrium to study the influence of a new policy, so that the leaders in the country will be able to decide how to adjust the development of their country. Considering the great contribution of John Nash, American can be judged as a great country.

这段和中间第一段的内容是相关联的 你这样中间隔着中间第二段是怎么考虑的 你有没有在写之前想清楚怎么组织全文 还是想到哪儿写到哪儿  
为什么写了这么久还是没有用1+3模型
TS (pt1,pt2,pt3)
ts (pt1)
ts(pt2)
ts (pt3)

你如果将中间各段概括进主旨句 就会发现中间三段的点这样摆是有问题的


    Based on the discussion above, while the great nation is defined as the nation that has great impact on the development of the world, the best indicator of a great nation is the contribution of its rulers, artists or scientists, rather than the welfare of its people.

KssandraUID: 2766998

ClaretZ 发表于 2015-6-8 01:41
Issue113  
Claim: The surest indicator of a great nation is not the achievements of its rulers, art ...

王老师已经点评过了，我就说一点点我的体会吧~

第二段感觉例子讲了一半，我隐约感觉到后面想要说什么，但是篇幅限制没说出来。如果把欧洲人如何用纸笔交流那句话改一下（其实欧洲人很早以前就用羊皮纸了；埃及人更早之前就用莎草纸了），说纸的发明如何促进了中国文明和其他文明的交流而扩大的中国作为一个great nation的影响，好像会更加切题一点？

第二段说沙特阿拉伯没有给世界做任何贡献好像有点。。。过分。。。他们还是贡献了石油的:P 万一改卷的考官正好来自沙特咋办！

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

嗯，说说我粗浅的看法：感觉不是标准的1+3，而且表达有些繁复

jingyuege1UID: 3598309

John Nash 例子用得好棒，感觉自己举不出例子，就算想到一些，也不知道这些人的名字要怎么写！