2015年AW暑期同主题练习-Kssandra

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-5-28 10:08
5月28日 Argument 71

The following is a letter to the editor of the Waymarsh Times.

已点评

KssandraUID: 2766998

6月1日 Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure that the arts can flourish and be available to all people. Others believe that government funding of the arts threatens the integrity of the arts.

Write a response in which you discuss which view more closely aligns with your own position and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should address both of the views presented.

之前写过这一篇，在原来的基础上修改了一下。前两段都删改到了我认为考场上可能可以完成的长度，第三段参考了王老师范文的中间二三段。练习了一个月回头看发现自己之前写的作文有很多改进空间，感觉到了一点点进步~

愿闻其详！


I agree that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure the prosperity and public availability of art. Since arts are less "profitable" compared to other careers, government funding can support artists and encourage more artists to pursue this career. Also, such funds can support the museums and art institutions so artists' work could be more available to the public. To address the concerns on the integrity of the arts, the financial aids should be decided by artists themselves under peer review instead of by the government.

嗯 这个主旨句层次很清晰  
第一个点是原创哈 从HR的supply side来写 不错  


Firstly, government funds can help ensure that artists have enough financial aid to live and be productive, and make art as a more attractive career. With more people choosing arts as their careers, more artworks will be created, and more works mean higher availability to all people. Without enough financial support, many artists may drop out from this career and do other jobs to make a living; and those who stayed are often times struggling. Nowadays many talented artists are quitting this career or switching to industrial jobs because of the lack of financial support. If the government can support these artists, many of them could have persisted in pursuing their original dreams and stay productive, to create more artwork. With more artists stay in this career and more artworks to be created, arts will surely flourish and become more available to the public.

With more artists stay 语法 这段有一个正反论述的动作 我觉得不错 可以充实文章的内容
如果能够更具体的讨论政府通过什么形式来支持艺术家 或许内容会更具体

Moreover, government funding can be used to provide public resources like museum and art institutions as well, where artworks are presented to the public. These places are educational to all kinds of people. For the general public, they are places for them to learn more about arts. For students in arts, they are places to get familiar with different genres and styles, and get inspirations from masterpieces. For artists, they are places for communication and critiques. For researchers, they are places to look at the history and developments of art. With the government funding, more museums can be built, admission fees can be decreased or even waived. The awareness and appreciation of arts and artists would thus increase arts’ availability to the public and decrease the mystery. The positive feedback also encourages young people to pursue a career in art, thus help arts to flourish.

they are places 这里的they换成具体的名词好些
后面也是
感觉你这段从学生 艺术家 研究人员三方面去写 我觉得是很好的结构 但是 你的主题句却说的是the public 和后面的内容呼应不够




There may be reasonable concerns that such financial support may threaten the integrity of arts, but there are ways to avoid these threats. The potential threats can be that government funds might selectively sponsor the arts that advocate the governmental political agenda, while suppress those arts conveying political meaning and may challenge the authority. To address the concern, an independent committee could be elected by artists to regulate and distribute the governmental financial aids. Artists and/or projects to be awarded with funds are nominated and voted by their peers, under the supervision of the committee. In fact his model has been used and tested by Hong Kong Art Development Council. In such way, the government would have no influence over the process, and thus the sponsorship is awarded based on the merits of the artists and their work.

conveying political meaning and may challenge the authority 表达
his model-  typo
嗯 这段写的不错 基本上是用的address challenge的套路 用在address both sides也同样适用
需要指出的是 香港艺术发展局的委员一部分是业界选举产生 然后全部由行政长官任命 完全不受政府影响是不可能的 但至少有业界自治的元素
虽然GRE作文的篇幅限制我们不可能很深入的讨论这些问题 但是对这些资料的收集和相关问题的思考还是可以延展到备考之外的  

As the ADC’s principal decision-making body, the Council comprises 27 members appointed by the Chief Executive of Hong Kong. Of these, 10 are elected by various arts constituencies. Overseeing the administration of the ADC, these professional and enthusiastic advocates are dedicated to the formulation and implementation of sound policies to promote the arts in Hong Kong. The Council comprises six standing committees, namely the Arts Promotion Committee, Arts Support Committee, Management Committee, Audit Committee, Review Committee and Strategy Committee, as well as 10 art-form groups.http://www.hkadc.org.hk/en/content/web.do?page=aboutADC

In conclusion, I think it is reasonable and feasible for the government to provide funding to ensure that arts can flourish and be available to all people. By doing this, both the artists and non-artist public will benefit from the prosperity of arts. By carefully monitoring the funding and ensure the independence of artists is intact, the threats on the integrity of arts can be avoided.

avoided 或许用 minimized好些  

感觉从这篇来看 在结构和中间段的展开都已经很不错
如果每道题都能写出这个水平 4-4.5分应该可以拿到


------------------------------  修改后  ------------------------------


I agree that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure the prosperity and public availability of art. Since arts are less "profitable" compared to other careers, government funding can support artists and encourage more artists to pursue this career. Also, such funds can support the museums and art institutions so artists' work could be more available to the public and experts. To address the concerns on the integrity of the arts, the financial aids should be decided by artists themselves under peer review instead of by the government.

Firstly, government funds can help ensure that artists have enough financial aid to live and be productive, and make art as a more attractive career. With more people choosing arts as their careers, more artworks will be created, and more works mean higher availability to all people. Without enough financial support, many artists may drop out from this career and do other jobs to make a living; and those who stayed are often times struggling. Nowadays many talented artists are quitting this career or switching to industrial jobs because of the lack of financial support. If the government can support these artists and provide grants for artists and art projects, many of them could have persisted in pursuing their original dreams and staying productive, to create more artwork. With more artists stay in this career and more artworks to be created, arts will surely flourish and become more available to the public.

如果能够更具体的讨论政府通过什么形式来支持艺术家 或许内容会更具体 【加了provide “grants for artists and art projects”，不过不确定这样说是否具体？】

Moreover, government funding can be used to provide public resources like museum and art institutions as well, where artworks are presented to the both the public and peer artists. These places are educational to all kinds of people. For the general public, art museums and institutions are places for them to learn more about arts. For students in arts, they are places to get familiar with different genres and styles, and get inspirations from masterpieces. For artists, they are places for communication and critiques. For researchers, they are places to look at the history and developments of art. With the government funding, more museums can be built, admission fees can be decreased or even waived. The awareness and appreciation of arts and artists would thus increase arts’ availability to the public and decrease the mystery. The positive feedback also encourages young people to pursue a career in art, thus help arts to flourish.

感觉你这段从学生 艺术家 研究人员三方面去写 我觉得是很好的结构 但是 你的主题句却说的是the public 和后面的内容呼应不够
【主题句改成了“artworks are presented to the both the public and peer artists” 】


There may be reasonable concerns that such financial support may threaten the integrity of arts, but there are ways to avoid these threats. The potential threats can be that government funds might selectively sponsor the arts that advocate the governmental political agenda, while suppress those arts which convey political meaning that may challenge the authority. To address the concern, an independent committee could be elected by artists to regulate and distribute the governmental financial aids. Artists and/or projects to be awarded with funds are nominated and voted by their peers, under the supervision of the committee. In fact this model has been used and tested by Hong Kong Art Development Council. In such way, the governmental influences over the process are minimized, and thus the sponsorship is awarded based on the merits of the artists and their work.

需要指出的是 香港艺术发展局的委员一部分是业界选举产生 然后全部由行政长官任命 完全不受政府影响是不可能的 但至少有业界自治的元素  【改成了the governmental influences over the process are minimized】


In conclusion, I think it is reasonable and feasible for the government to provide funding to ensure that arts can flourish and be available to all people. By doing this, both the artists and non-artist public will benefit from the prosperity of arts. By carefully monitoring the funding and ensure the independence of artists is intact, the threats on the integrity of arts can be minimized.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-1 10:29
6月1日 Issue 7

Some people believe that government funding of the arts is necessary to ensure tha ...

已点评~~~

KssandraUID: 2766998

tesolchina 发表于 2015-6-1 11:06
已点评~~~

谢谢老师鼓励~~~

昨天看之前写的文章觉得上一次写的在以下几个方面有比较大的问题：

1 一段只讲一个意思做的不好
2 段落内部逻辑不够清晰流畅
3 语言重复啰嗦

从中间的一二段可能删减了有将近100个词。第三段整个都换了。

KssandraUID: 2766998

6月2日 Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

刚好30分钟写完，写的过程中也在一边写一边注意修改，但是如果能多留出3分钟通读一遍还是会好一些。30分钟过后又检查修改了一些地方。

题目的思路：

1) 在L发现了本以为独属于P的篮子
2) 没有证据显示P人可以制造船只
3) B河又深又宽，无船不能通过

结论：因为没有发现P人造的船，所以P人不能造船，所以没人能（带篮子）坐船过河，所以在L发现的篮子不是P人制造的。

文章的思路：

1) 没有发现P人造的船，不等于没有船存在过 - 需要证据证明完全没有船存在过
2) B河又深又宽，不等于B河不能通过 - 需要证据证明在P和L的时代，船是跨过B河的唯一途径
3) B河不能通过，又没有船，不等于篮子就不可能从P到达L - 需要证据排除其他的可能性证明L篮子不是从P来的


This paragraph argues that the baskets that were formerly believed to be unique to prehistoric village Palea are actually not unique, because similar baskets are 时态 also found in another prehistoric village Lithos. There is a deep and broad river between these two villages, and no evidence of Palean boats has been found. However, to support the argument, more evidence is needed to prove that no boats had ever been built in the nearby area, to show the necessity for ancient Paleans of crossing the river by boat, and evidence to exclude other possibilities for the baskets to be transported across the river.



To begin with, evidence is needed to show that no boats had ever been built in the area, no matter by Paleans, Lithos or some other prehistoric people.
要证明没有船是很难的 只能去找有船的证据 找不到就暂时相信没有  
Although no Palean boats have been found, it is possible that Paleans built boats with materials like animal skins, and those boats had rotted away over time. Or these ancient people had also built pier far away from their village and stored all their boats in the piers, thus the boats have not been found yet. Even if Paleans did not and could not built boats, it is still possible that people of Lithos or some other villages nearby could build boats, and the boats were used by Paleans to transport their unique baskets. Without evidence completely disproving the existence of any kind of boats in the area, we cannot decide that the baskets were not transported by boats.

总的来说写的不错



Moreover, we need evidence to show that the only way to cross the river, or travel from Palea to Lithos, is to use a boat. The fact that Brim River is deep and broad today is not strong enough to prove that it was the case in the age of Palea and Lithos. Back to the prehistoric age, the river might be a small brook where people could walk or swim across and did not need a boat at all. Even if the River was deep and broad, people of Palea and/or Lithos could have built bridges. In both ways the baskets could be transported from Palea to Lithos without a boat. Thus without evidence showing that boating was the only possible way for the baskets to be transported from Palea to Lithos, we cannot decide that the lack of evidence of boats means the lack of means for the baskets to be transported across the River.

fact- strong 搭配
嗯 写得不错啊  感觉很流畅 楼主自己有什么心得体会么  


Finally, one more piece of evidence is needed to rule out other possibilities for the basket to be transported out of Palea. Ancient Paleans might have thrown their baskets into the River by accident or on purpose, and the baskets floated to Lithos. Or, there might have been ancient merchants who traded baskets from Palea to Lithos and many other places, and these merchants could somehow cross the river with boats, canoes or bridges, or even from a different place. (then what happened to the boats?) Without evidence showing there were no other ways for the basket to be transported out of Palea, we cannot decide that the baskets found in Lithos were not originated from Palea and was created somewhere else.

感觉这一段的主题句概括得不是很好 和后面的点好像不是很吻合
整段的重点到底是啥？  
float和trade感觉不是可以放在一起的两件事


In conclusion, more evidence is needed to strengthen the argument, and we cannot conclude that the baskets were not unique to Palea with the current facts and reasoning offering in the argument.


写完以后想到第二段还有很多可能性：
例如曾经有过干旱（这一点是看@艾小卉写的），河流冬天封冻，地处热带所以河流每年都有丰水期和枯水期而枯水期可以很容易通过等等。不过丰水期和枯水期我不会用英语说，还是算了吧。。。


---------------------------  修改后  ------------------------------


谢谢大家的意见和建议！修改了一下文章的结构和部分段落的内容。

现在的提纲是：

1) 需要证据证明过河难：过去河可能不存在或者很小，又或者冬天水面冻住可以行走。
2) 需要更多证明不能造船：原来的第一段（这一点在第一点证据成立的基础上提出）
3) 需要证据证明船是篮子的唯一过河途径：篮子可能漂过河，或者有桥过河（这一点在第一点证据成立的基础上提出）

三段内容分别是关于河的，关于船的，和除了坐船之外任何其他可能让篮子过河的方式。


This paragraph argues that the baskets that were formerly believed to be unique to prehistoric village Palea are actually not unique, because similar baskets were also found in another prehistoric village Lithos. There is a deep and broad river between these two villages, and no evidence of Palean boats has been found. However, to support the argument, more evidence is needed to prove that no boats were built in the nearby area, to show Brim River was deep and broad back in those years, and evidence to exclude other possibilities for the baskets to be transported across the river.



To begin with, we need evidence to show that the the Brim River was a natural barrier between Palea and Lithos at all times in the prehistoric ages. The fact that the River is deep and broad today is not strong enough to prove that it was the case in the age of Palea and Lithos. Back to the prehistoric age, the river might be a small brook where people could walk or swim across. River could be frozen in winter and people could walk on the ice to the other size of. Or the River channel has migrated and at the time of Palea and Lithos there was no river between them. In any of these cases ancient people would not have any difficulty getting around between Palea and Lithos. Thus without evidence showing that the River was a natural barrier separating the two villages, we cannot decide that ancient people needed boats to cross the river or transport the baskets.


Moreover, evidence is needed to show that no boats were built in the area, neither by Paleans, Lithos nor some other prehistoric people. Although no Palean boats have been found, it is possible that Paleans built boats with materials like animal skins, and those boats had rotted away over time.  Even if Paleans did not and could not built boats, it is possible that people of Lithos or some other villages nearby could build boats, and the boats were used by Paleans to transport their unique baskets. In these case, baskets could still be transported across the river by boats, even though Paleans could not built boats. Without evidence completely disproving the existence of any kind of boats in the area, we cannot decide that the baskets were not transported by boats.


Finally, one more piece of evidence is needed to exclude other possible ways than boating for the basket to cross the river. Ancient Paleans might thrown their baskets into the River by accident or on purpose, and the baskets floated to Lithos. People of Palea and/or Lithos might built bridges across the river. Or, there might been ancient merchants who traded baskets from Palea to Lithos and many other places, and these merchants could cross the River at a different place. Without evidence ruling out other ways for the basket to be transported out of Palea and to Lithos, we cannot decide that the baskets found in Lithos were not originated from Palea or even was created in Lithos.


In conclusion, more evidence is needed to strengthen the argument, and we cannot conclude that the baskets were not unique to Palea with the current facts and reasoning offering in the argument.

晹城UID: 3586536

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-2 11:40
6月2日 Argument 1

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously ...

感觉不能说点评了，来学习一下~

我能找出来的只有一些很小的地方：
Para.3中，

Even if the River was deep and broad, people of Palea and/or Lithos could have built bridges.

could have done应该是由“本来可以  但没有做”的意思，不过这点我自己写的时候也会注意不到。

we cannot decide that the lack of evidence of boats means the lack of means for the baskets to be transported across the River.

这里两个mean感觉换掉其中一个可能更好，比如第一个换成show/indicate。

不过有一个地方，第二点(Para.3)和第三点，boat是唯一的方式和没有其他方式，是不是有点重复呀？

艾小卉UID: 3484633

我也是来学习文章的。

你TS1，TS2的结构层次都很清晰，不过TS1里面有一个点，关于那个码头，我觉得码头应该是建在河流旁边，也就是不会距离村庄太远，更不太可能把所有的船都放在一个距离很远的码头。（不知道是不是我想的复杂了？）

TS3的问题和老师看法相同，后面写的和主题句有一点脱节。

PS:
本来我想写热带沙漠气候，后来随着气候变化，降水增多，后来想了一下，好像这在现实中发生的概率很小。丰水期和枯水期的例子我觉得不合适，过去有的话，现在应该也有。

加油！

KssandraUID: 2766998

6月3日 Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

这个题目感觉很难，主要有以下几个原因：

1 看到题目觉得太大太空泛了，完全不知道如何下手，于是先把去年大家的提纲讨论看了一遍
2 稍微有了一点思路，但是又不知道如何展开
3 好不容易想到了一些例子，又发现用中文都说不太清楚，更何况是英文。。。

总的来说就是话题自己不熟悉，之前也没有思考和了解过，无话可说。

下午还思考了比较久，晚上写的时候仍然觉得很费力。于是写得比较短而且尽量浅显，竟然26分钟写完了，于是有了一点点时间自己检查。这个文章自己也不满意，觉得中间的一二段在扯，展开得不具体；第三段好不容易觉得思路比较靠谱了，语言上又力有未逮。

还真是悲剧啊。

26分钟写出这样的文章相当不错啊！


Whether the statement holds true or not depends on the types of leaders we are discussing. It is not the case for political and business leaders, who are voted based on their experience and capability. Similarly, scientific research leaders relied on their professional training and expertise in a research field but not the demands of such leaders. However, it is true that in social movements, the leaders are often created by the demands that are placed on them.

很清晰的分情况讨论主旨句
感觉第三点social movement 和我写的emergencies有异曲同工之妙 不知道作者有没有参考我的文章 如果有的话 可以算是一种 creative imitation吧  
和guoguo的借鉴思路很像  



To begin with, political and business leaders are normally voted 选词 because of their experience and capability in dealing with political and business affairs, instead of the demands that are placed on them. Congressmen are elected to be presidents because they showed extraordinary abilities of dealing with daily political affairs and coming up with solutions for social problems. Business leaders are voted or assigned because they are familiar with the market and have exhibited in their previous experience the ability of making important decisions that brought profits to their companies. For these leaders, it is their experience and capability, instead of the demands, that decided 选词 their leadership.


Similarly, the leaders in academia are also created by their own professional training and expertise in their field of research, instead of the demands placed on them. To lead a lab group or even a research institution, a scientist must hold a PhD in a relevant field, and have years of professional training in from conducting experiments, to finding the meaningful scientific questions to answer and the ways to answer them, to regulate a lab group. In addition to being experts in their fields of study, the research leaders also have expertise in presenting their research both in oral presentation and professional writing. Without such professional training and expertise, one cannot be a successful leader of a research group simply with the demands that are placed on them.

However, infor most of the social movements, it is the case that the leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them. For social movements, there are always first the demands that something about the society need to be changed, 断句 then the leaders stand up to take on the responsibilities. Take the African-American Civil Rights Movement as an example,断句 long before Martin Luther King stood out as the leader, there had been the demands of civil rights for African Americans, and leaders like Martin Luther King were created to encourage and guide people in speaking out and fighting together in request for the civil rights for African-American people. Without the demands of the society, there would not have been such leaders.

In conclusion, depends on the types of leaders and the fields they are in,严重语法错误 the statement can be true or not. The political, business and academic leaders are not created by the demands that are placed on them, but the social movements leaders are indeed the result of the demands of social changes.

感觉我的点评都是语言表达层面的
似乎楼主在思路和中间段展开方面都已经做的不错  
当然这道题本身确实很难 也许会有更好的思路 只是我们暂时想不到
可能楼主现在要做的就是狂刷题 把各种issue、argument都想一遍
然后多限时写


---------------------------  修改后  --------------------------


Whether the statement holds true or not depends on the types of leaders we are discussing. It is not the case for political and business leaders, who are voted based on their experience and capability. Similarly, scientific research leaders relied on their professional training and expertise in a research field but not the demands of such leaders. However, it is true that in social movements, the leaders are often created by the demands that are placed on them.


To begin with, political and business leaders are normally elected because of their experience and capability in dealing with political and business affairs, instead of the demands that are placed on them. Congressmen are elected to be presidents because they showed extraordinary abilities of dealing with daily political affairs and coming up with solutions for social problems. Business leaders are voted or assigned because they are familiar with the market and have exhibited in their previous experience the ability of making important decisions that brought profits to their companies. For these leaders, it is their experience and capability, instead of the demands, that determine their leadership.


Similarly, the leaders in academia are also created by their own professional training and expertise in their field of research, instead of the demands placed on them. To lead a lab group or even a research institution, a scientist must hold a PhD in a relevant field, and have years of professional training in from conducting experiments, to finding the meaningful scientific questions to answer and the ways to answer them, to regulate a lab group. In addition to being experts in their fields of study, the research leaders also have expertise in presenting their research both in oral presentation and professional writing. Without such professional training and expertise, one cannot be a successful leader of a research group simply with the demands that are placed on them.

However, for most of the social movements, it is the case that the leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them. For social movements, there are always first the demands that something about the society need to be changed; then the leaders stand up to take on the responsibilities. The African-American Civil Rights Movement is a great example. Long before Martin Luther King stood out as the leader, there had been the demands of civil rights for African Americans, and leaders like Martin Luther King were created to encourage and guide people in speaking out and fighting together in request for the civil rights for African-American people. Without the demands of the society, there would not have been such leaders.

In conclusion, depends on the types of leaders, the statement can be true or not. The political, business and academic leaders are not created by the demands that are placed on them, but the social movements leaders are indeed the result of the demands of social changes.

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-3 13:07
6月3日 Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

已点评 断句的问题要注意

艾小卉UID: 3484633

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-3 13:07
6月3日 Issue 62

Leaders are created by the demands that are placed on them.

我觉得你的分类好赞啊，学习了

有一点地方说一下我的看法：ts1提到political and business leaders ，ts3说到leaders in social movements, 我觉得这两个有重叠，因为很多political leaders 都会参加social movements  ， Martin Lurther King 也是一个伟大的政治家（一生都在为黑人争取平等权利）。可能也是因为我想的有点多，总觉得political leaders是承载了人民乃至整个社会对他们的demands的。

sunshineatnoonUID: 3584816

楼主，楼主，我是楼下来拜读楼主的
“and have years of professional training in from conducting experiments”这句没读懂，是不是多了个in？
还有就是lz可以用同义词变换下表达，比如lz好像用了多次demands of the society,能否换成mandate/mission of the society，expertise换成speciality
还有个这个“infor most of the social movements”也没读懂。
最后膜拜下lz，我还不能再30分钟写完文章，哎。。。

KssandraUID: 2766998

sunshineatnoon 发表于 2015-6-3 18:32
楼主，楼主，我是楼下来拜读楼主的
“and have years of professional training in from conducting exper ...

最后那里没有“in”... 应该是“for most of the social movements” o(╯□╰)o

KssandraUID: 2766998

6月4日 argument 14/118

Argument 14

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night."


题目的思路：
1) 300人的sample size显示报告需要的睡眠更少的人的公司盈利更多发展更快
2) 以上关系被解读为睡眠少导致盈利多
3) 以上因果关系启示我们为了增加盈利应该雇佣睡眠少的执行官

这样梳理思路很有用吧？  
注意题目用的是prosper这个词 不是盈利  



结论：因为调查显示广告公司执行官睡眠少的公司发展更好，所以广告公司执行官睡眠少是增加盈利的原因，所以为了增加盈利，公司们应该雇佣睡眠少的员工。

文章的思路：
1) 文章没有提供任何关于调查样本和研究细节的信息
2) 睡眠少不一定是公司发展的原因（而可能是结果）
3) executives的经验不一定能复制到其他职位和不同性质的公司



Argument 14

Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

27分钟；剩下的时间检查到了第三段，最后还有一些拼写错误没有找出来。
过去近一个月的练习你的速度有进步么？你觉得进步的主要原因是什么？

This argument cites a study on 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives, which showed a negative correlation relationship between the executives' reported amount of sleep needed and the success of their companies. The argument concludes that less than 6 hours of sleep per night of the executives is the reason of the success of the executives' companies, and suggests the way to make a business to prosper is to only hire people sleep less than 6 hours per night. However, there are hidden or stated assumptions about the reliability of the study, the causality between amount of sleep and success of the companies, and the validity of the suggestion.

the validity of the suggestion.
最后一个概括的不太好
也许用generalizability会好些？  


To begin with, the first assumption in the argument is the reliability of the study, 断句 that the author believes that the result of the study is reliable and valid. However, there is no information about the sampling process and data analysis of this study. We do not know if the 300 people who are surveyed are randomly chosen. The researchers may accidentally picked 语法people who sleep for longer in the less successful companies and picked those who sleep for less than 6 hours in more successful companies. Or, people in more successful companies tend to report fewer amount of sleep per night although they actually sleep more than 6 hours. In any of these cases, the result of the study will be not reliable, and the assumption on the validity of the study may not hold true. And thus we cannot draw conclusions from the result.

我不太确定你这里展开的很好  
感觉写了一些很细节的可能性 为什么sampling 方法不对就可能导致后面的情况呢  而且这似乎是一种百搭的写法 见到survey就question sampling  



Moreover, another assumption in the argument is the causal relationship between hours of sleep per night of executives and the success of their companies. Even if the research result is reliable, the fewer hours of sleep of executives may not be the reason of the success of their companies. Possibly the executives sleep less than 6 hours per night because they are in already successful and fast growing companies, thus they are too busy to sleep for longer - although they would prefer to. Thus the success of the companies came first, and they are the reasons instead of the results. If this is the case, the assumption that the fewer sleeping hours of executives are the reasons of success of their companies does not hold true. And thus we cannot decide that less sleep of executives gives rise to business success of the advertising companies.

Assumption应该是某件事 而不是relationship  
所以你要说 there exists … relationship between  
这里还是搭配的问题  



Finally, the last hidden assumption is that the conclusion on Mentian advertising executives can be transferred to other employees and other types of business. Even if the less amount of sleep of executives gives rise to the success of advertising companies, this rule may not apply to other businesses and employees. Executives sleep for 6 hours or less because they spend more time in working; but other employees may sleep for fewer than 6 hours while do not work for longer; or even become less efficient because they did not get enough sleep. Or in advertising industry, longer working hours means success, but it is not the case in a different business. In any of these cases, hiring people who sleep for no more than 6 hours may not bring business success to the employees. And thus the suggestion of the argument may not work at all.

Conclusion – transfer 这个搭配要再斟酌  
this rule的前面似乎看不到rule
while do not 句子结构  
; or even become分号这样断开句子是不合适的  
it is not- it may not  注意情态动词的用法  



In conclusion, there are several stated or hidden assumptions in this argument that may or may not hold true. If they do not hold true, the whole argument and its suggestion will proved to be unwarranted.

will proved 这个竟然没有检查出来


Argument 118

The following appeared as part of an article in a business magazine.

"A recent study rating 300 male and female advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than six hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. On the basis of this study, we recommend that businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation and the argument on which it is based are reasonable. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.



This argument cites a study on 300 male and female advertising executives, which showed an association between the executives' reported amount of sleep needed and the success of their companies. The argument concludes with executives sleep for less than 6 hours of sleep per night, the advertising firms are more successful. Thus it recommend the businesses hire only people who need less than six hours of sleep per night to achieve business success. However, before we get to the conclusion and recommendation, a few questions need to be asked on the reliability of the study, the causal relationship between executives' hours of sleep and the success of their firms, and on the validity of the recommendation on other kinds of businesses.

To begin with, we need to question the reliability of the study cited in the argument.
Possibilities: sampling process - they studied only executives who sleep less in successful companies, and executives sleep more in less successful firms. Executives in more successful companies tend to report to sleep less than they actually do, etc.
If the study is not reliable, than we cannot take the result seriously and base the argument on it.

Moreover, questions need to be asked about the causal relationship suggested in the argument, that less than 6 hours of sleep of the executives is the reason of the success of their firms.
Possibilities: 因果倒置 - 因为公司成功所以才忙所以才睡得少
If the executives' amount of sleep is not the reason of the success of these advertising firms, then we cannot decide that the amount of sleep gives rise to the business success.

Finally, we should ask question about the validity of the recommendation: if the conclusion on the sleep of executives of advertising companies can be applied to other employees and other types of businesses.
Possibilities: over employees sleep less but not work more; in other businesses longer working hours does not mean business success.
If the conclusion based on the advertising business and its executives cannot be transferred to other businesses and other types of employees, adopting the recommendation of the argument may not have any effect in boosting the businesses.

In conclusion...


-------------------------------  修改后  --------------------------------


This argument cites a study on 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives, which showed a negative correlation relationship between the executives' reported amount of sleep needed and the success of their companies. The argument concludes that less than 6 hours of sleep per night of the executives is the reason of the success of the executives' companies, and suggests the way to make a business to prosper is to only hire people sleep less than 6 hours per night. However, there are hidden or stated assumptions about the reliability of the study, the causality between amount of sleep and success of the companies, and the generalizability of the suggestion.


To begin with, the first assumption in the argument is the reliability of the study: the author believes that the result of the study is reliable and valid. However, there is no information about the sampling process and data analysis of this study. We do not know if the 300 people who are surveyed are randomly chosen. The researchers may accidentally surveyed only people who sleep for longer in the less successful companies and picked those who sleep for less than 6 hours in more successful companies. Or, people in more successful companies tend to report fewer amount of sleep per night although they actually sleep more than 6 hours. In any of these cases, the result of the study may be biased by the sampling and not reliable, and thus there may not actually be the association between sleeping ours and prosperity of the firms. In such case we cannot draw conclusions from the result.

我不太确定你这里展开的很好  
感觉写了一些很细节的可能性 为什么sampling 方法不对就可能导致后面的情况呢  而且这似乎是一种百搭的写法 见到survey就question sampling

【又加入了一句话解释了一下为什么sampling方法会影响结论】


Furthermore, the argument assumes that there is a causal relationship between hours of sleep per night of executives and the success of their companies. Even if the research result is reliable, the fewer hours of sleep of executives may not be the reason of the success of their companies. Possibly the executives sleep less than 6 hours per night because they are in already successful and fast growing companies, thus they are too busy to sleep for longer - although they would prefer to. Thus the success of the companies came first, and they are the reasons instead of the results. If this is the case, the assumption that the fewer sleeping hours of executives are the reasons of success of their companies does not hold true. And thus we cannot decide that less sleep of executives gives rise to business success of the advertising companies.


Finally, the last hidden assumption is that the conclusion on Mentian advertising executives can be applied to other employees and other types of business. Even if the less amount of sleep of executives gives rise to the success of advertising companies, it may not apply to other businesses and employees. Executives sleep for 6 hours or less because they spend more time in working; but other employees may sleep for fewer than 6 hours but do not work for longer. Or the employees may even become less efficient because they did not get enough sleep. Furthermore, in advertising industry, it is the case that longer working hours means success, but it may not the case in a different business. In any of these cases, hiring people who sleep for no more than 6 hours may not bring business success to the employees. And thus the suggestion of the argument may not work at all.

Conclusion – transfer 这个搭配要再斟酌   【transfer换成apply可以吗？自己回头看也觉得这个搭配很奇怪！】
this rule的前面似乎看不到rule 【改成了it；老师有其他建议吗？这里不太确定怎么写比较好】


In conclusion, there are several stated or hidden assumptions in this argument that may or may not hold true. If they do not hold true, the whole argument and its suggestion will be proved to be unwarranted.

我承认这个地方我是从一开始的will be proved给改成will prove的。。。o(╯□╰)o

tesolchinaUID: 2191404

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-4 11:08
6月4日 argument 14/118

Argument 14

已点评

晹城UID: 3586536

Kssandra 发表于 2015-6-4 11:08
6月4日 argument 14/118

Argument 14

抱歉这么晚才来点（mo）评（bai）~
感觉把题目思路和文章思路都列出来是清楚很多，而且你提出的三个point感觉很清晰。
第三点你是想说可推广性吧。 我也发现不知道的词还真不是查查词典就能用的，像generalisability这样的词，如果不是在老师范文里面看到，即便是自己查到了也不敢用。

Para.2
和文章无关，有一点想探讨一下，就是survey类argument中我们常会质疑被调查者说的是否属实。可是现实中调查问卷不都是这样吗？感觉这是一个没办法解决的问题，除非像以研究为目的地跟踪调查（可这不现实啊）。有时候会想如果我是调查者，人家说我的调查在真实性方面有问题我会很委屈。想问问你这么看？